MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.
(Delivered on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963.)

I hope everyone enjoyed the day off, but remembered the message of a very great American.

MY MORNING ORDEAL

Getting dressed this morning was tramatic.  The Dirty Laundry Fairy obviously helped herself to an unauthorized 4 day weekend in celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I had no clean clothes to change into.  I dug up a pair of Wranglers from a basket filled with discards.  This particular pair of jeans had been discarded because a small hole was torn into the seat of it.  No time to patch it, but I was able to think up a quick remedy.  The jeans were black, the hole was in the seat of the jeans... I just changed into a pair of black panties, and the hole was instantly camoflauged.  Dang, sometimes my brilliance scares me!

Unfortunately the jeans were flawed in another way.  The zipper sides were placed too far apart.  In the past I would have thought that the jeans were too small, but my youngest daughter corrected my way of thinking... the jeans are fine, the zipper was just put on too far apart!  So, knowing that aside from the defective zipper and the hidden hole, I had a perfectly good pair of jeans... I forced the zipper together and pulled it up.  I was eventually able to secure the zipper, but now I look like some alien with 2 sets of boobs, one pair right at chest level, and another set just above my waistline.  I'll just have to wear a baggy shirt today, and hope I don't get perky in the wrong places.  And I hope I can hold my breath all day because the button was placed too far from the button hole and I don't know how long it will hold under the current stress conditions!

IN THE KEY OF 'E'

My children are all musically inclined.  We have 4 guitars in the house.  Rocky has a little acoustic guitar that she got for Christmas two years ago.  This year Art inherited an electric guitar tuner for his electric guitar and his little sister has been trying to learn how to use it.  Yesterday she brought the tuner to me and asked what it meant if the little arrow pointed to the center of the scale.  Well, the tuner was set to E so when the tuner's hand swung to the middle it indicated that the key of E had been reached.  'Cool',  she said with a grin... 'Hold this right like this... I want to show you something!'  She gave me the tuner, then turned around... and farted!  Stunned, I stared at her then looked down... the arrow swung to the center... and Rocky grinned happily.  "I can fart in the key of E!" she giggled!  She proved the validity of that little poem... Beans, beans, the musical fruit... the more you eat, the more you toot!  I think I now know how my mother felt raising me.

THE PEDICURE

I gave myself a pedicure.  I cannot have a professional pedicure done, I am too ticklish.  And besides, my feet stink.  I would not want to be a professional pedicurist, touching toejam feet all day, buffing fungi toenails.  Now I'm not saying I have foot fungus, but I do know that even when I wash my feet before I clip my toenails... ewwww, the funk that is under my toenails just curls my nose!  And I don't know why, cos I know it smells bad... but I always have to sniff my fingers after I clip my toenails.   I guess its like when a dog sniffs another dog's hiney, it knows its gonna be bad, but it just HAS to sniff it... don't know why, its just instinct... in-stink!  Hahahaha!  Anyhow, after I trimmed my toenails and sniffed my fingertips, I put my feet on my husband's new heated foot massager.  Oh my goodness, after a few minutes on that thing my feet were like jello.  Let me tell you, if my feet had lips, they'd be smiling right now!  (And if they had nostrils I wouldn't have to bend over to sniff my toenails!)

MOUSE BALLS

Do you know what this is a picture of?  Its mouse turds!  Not Mickey Mouse turds, but computer mouse turds.  I clean my mouse out every couple of months or so... I open the bottom, pull out the ball (my mouse only has one ball, poor little thing, no wonder he always pulls to the left).  And I have to scrape off those little roller thingies that help the ball go 'round, and this is what I pull out, every time!  I don't get it... its not like I have crud all over my mouse pad or anything.  So where does this junk come from?  I'm afraid if I look hard enough I might see it move!  It can't be healthy!  Anyhow... if you don't clean your mouse's ball, do it.  Be careful, you don't want to damage anything, just flip your mouse upsidedown, unscrew the ball-holder and the ball should just drop out.  Gently clean the rollers with a cotton swab moistened with... alcohol?  Actually I drink the alcohol and scrape the rollers with my fingernail to remove the crusty scuzz... but thats just me.  Its not unusual for your computer screen to react irradically at this point, after all, the mouse's ball is a very sensitive area.  Just keep a firm grip on the mouse and work carefully.  Return the ball to its little hole, replace the cover and secure, and you're back in business!  What ever you do... under no circumstances should you give in to the temptation to sniff the scuzz-particles... unless you don't mind having a nose full of mouse turds of unknown biological origins!  (Did you ever read Stephen King's Dream Catcher?)  Anyhow, thats how to keep your mouse's ball clean and your computer happy!

FORTUNE COOKIES AND HOROSCOPES... in bed!

I've never been one to give much mind to fortunes and horoscopes, but Dickidoo came home with a neat little trick that has added new enjoyment to the little slips of paper that are tucked away inside a fortune cookie.   After you read your fortune, add the words 'in bed' to the prophecy.  Rocky and I had a sick day today and ordered Chinese for lunch.  My fortune read:  'You have a potential urge and the ablility for accomplishment... in bed ! '.  Now even generic, one size fits all horoscopes have new meaning. This is my AOL Horoscope for today.

VIRGO:
Typically, you know when to quit in bed, for even though you can be quite logical, you’re not one to go down fighting a losing battle in bed. This time, however, you may not want to let go in bed. You have a glimmer of hope and you really believe the sky is going to open and everything will work out perfectly in bed. Well, it may not be perfect, but you can still surprise them all with your original tactics in bed.

Well, I don't know that things will be quite that exciting tonight... in bed.  Aunt Flo is still visiting and goodness knows I wouldn't want to knock her loose... in bed!  We may have to take a raincheck on this... in bed.  Hahahahaha!  Oh Lordy, that was bad!  Bad Bad Dorn... you ain't never gonna make the Editor's pick this way!  Hey... is there an Editor's Black List?  Maybe I can make it on there!  Ah ha!  There may still be hope for fame and notoriety for me yet in the halls of J-Land!

PURPLE HIPPO?

Once upon a time, in sheer deperation for a unique screen name, I typed in the words 'Purple Hippo Snot'.  AOL rejected my choice, stating "That Screenname Is Already Being Used".  Impossible!  Who would use the name 'Purple Hippo Snot'?  I didn't even want it... but I was running out of choices.  After the 100th rejection, I typed the name printed on my beer stein/coffee mug and 'Dornbrau' was born.  Today, for a complete lack of anything better to do, I typed the words 'purple hippo snot' in the search bar and came up with Kozo, the Dancing Sumo Hippo, performing the Thong Song.  And I was truely amazed!  Who would have guessed!  Kozo even has a new movie out, check out the Vending Machine.  Both of these are flash clips, so click on them to watch.

BERRY, BERRY GOOD!

This is a good example of why you should not go shopping when you are not feeling well.  I went to the store to get Rocky something to comfort her upset stomach... with mine not feeling all that great either... and I came home with all kinds of junk... like berries and cream!  If I wasn't sick before, I will be after I eat all that stuff!  Okay, with the exception of the whipped cream it is actually healthy stuff... but oh my gosh, I saw the bright raspberries and plump blackberries... and the strawberries just screamed out to me when I passed by them... they all smelled soooooo good, I couldn't help myself.  I was already weak from all the medicine I've been popping... wait...  I didn't take any medicine today... okay, so I was weak because I didn't take my medicine.. and I just had to have them!  And have them I did!  Now I'm all fat and fed... phew!  I haven't been hit with cravings like that in years.... well, Rocky is 10... so its been about 11 years!  And NO!  Before anyone speculates, I am not pregnant... my 'dustbunny' didn't die... I am not breeding again.  I got Dickidoo neutered right after Rocky was born so there will be no more little Dickidoos or Mini-Me's popping out of this baby factory, nope, I'm out to pasture folks.  Just gonna sit around and wait for the grandbabies to start arriving.  In the mean time... I just might have to have another berry parfait.... Mmmm mmmm good!

DUST BUNNY HIGHLIGHTS.... August 2004

*  Farts should be visable, so you can see them before you walk into a vapor cloud from one.  And they should be color coded so you know the bad ones from the really choke-you-so-you-can't-breath bad. 

*  'Tornado watch doesn't mean that you should go outside and watch for a tonado, it means get inside to safety idiots!...' That was my conscience speaking.  I never listen to her anymore.  She's the one who told me that getting married and having kids was a good idea.  She also told me that buying a 5 bedroom house was the answer to our messy, cramped lifestyle.  Now we have a messy lifestyle that fills a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, splitlevel house.

*  Little Rocky has been following me around the house with an Avon book.  She wants the eyebrow groomer/trimmer because she says she's getting a unibrow.  Of course I say no, 9 is too young to be worrying about unibrows!  To cheer herself up she asks for some coffee.  No, I say, coffee causes unibrows! 

*  I need to go to the store and buy something for dinner, but I figure if I stall, my money will last a little longer.  Thats about as close to a savings plan as I get.

*  One day little Rocky looked at my husband and made an observation.  'Daddy, your boobies are bigger than mommy's'.

*  I spend $300+ every two weeks on groceries, thats over $600 a month!  And you know what happens to those groceries after you prepare and eat them right?  They turn into .... oh what the heck... POOP!  I literally spend more than $600 a month on POOP!

*  Last night, while I was being assaulted by Arts Farts I realized why the good Lord, with his infinite wisdom and whacky sence of humor had invented farts.  It was out of pity for us humans so we wouldn't have to burp and taste something that nasty from our mouth!  I've always referred to farts as 'butt burps', now it all makes perfect sence!  The kids thought I was saying my bedtime prayer.  What I was saying in fact was "Dear Lord, thank you for not giving farts a taste... AMEN!"

*  Rocky was trying on her new school clothes and came out in some really stylish blue jeans that cost more than what I would ever dream of spending on a pair of my own...  and asked me to help her close the zipper.
'Hmmmmm, ' I say, 'Maybe we should have gotten the next size up.'
'Oh no, it fits great,' she says, 'They just made it wrong.... they put the zipper too far apart!'

*  9 more hours until school starts.  I have organized a district wide celebration that kicks off at 8am tomorrow morning.  Members of the PASV (Parents Against Summer Vacation) will kick their children out of the house with a sack lunch and then gather in the streets to celebrate the start of the new school year.  Teachers across the district will hold a moment of silence to mourn the end of their vacation. 

*  I collect money.  Not foreign money, not mint condition coins, not the Philharmonic Gold Piece from Monex.  Not even the state quarters.  I collect... other peoples money.

*  Have you ever played Ker-Plunk.... in the kitchen?  Its like Jenga.... with dirty dishes.  The trick is to extract that utensil or dish without toppling the rest of the stack onto the floor.  The loser cleans up the mess and has to wash the rest of the dishes.

*  I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle.  I eat faster so that I spend less time eatting, I actually watch WHAT I eat instead of watching TV while I eat,  I watch more sports, and I drink 6.0 beer so I don't have to drink as much to get a buzz.

HOMELAND SECURITY... begins at home!

I don't normally suffer from PMS, but with my pre-menopaus issues and this dang head cold my system is just going beserk.  And so am I!  Yesterday all it took was one dose of a non-drowsy cold and flu medicine to send me flying like a kite and off the deep end.  It made me wonder why the military didn't assemble a secret army of menopausal women suffering from PMS and a winter headcold to help rid the world of terrorists, because I'll tell you what... yesterday, if someone had given me a weapon and told me to 'get the bad guy', there would be no further need for homeland security!  A simple problem of missing keys turned into a mercenary mission to root out the sabator, my drugged mind could not comprehend why anyone would kidnap my keys.  But those little keys unlock various topsecret doors, they start the ignition to my vehicle, they are instumental in my transportation and therefore are vital in the running of my little world.  Their kidnapping was a well planned and executed attempt to disable and overthrow my whole life!  Dickidoo quitely ignored me and pretended to be interested in the commercials on the TV.  It was 10:30... the young rebels were all in bed.  I almost woke them up for interrogation, but decided that certain elements of the Geneva Convention might be at risk so I made an executive decision to wait until daybreak. 

With the morning came new problems.  My supplies had been cut off... My monthly mission, code named Aunt Flo, had to be dealt with but I was completely out of Tampons!  Undeterred,  I perched my broken glasses on my nose and began the interrogation with the rebels.  The older female was probably the leader so I started with her.  Naturally she denied any knowledge of the keys, but I knew better.  I would have to make her talk!  She became worried and began to talk.  "I don't know!" and "Not Me!"  she blurted when asked who took the keys.  Success!  I have names, I just need to find Mr. I Don't Know, and Miss Not Me.  I've have problems with them before, but this time I'm PMS'ing and I'm Pre-Menopausal... there will be no escape.

Before I could continue my investigation I heard a weird beep, coming from the pile of gear stowednext to the DVD shelf.  I went over to investigate the sound. One of the rebels had dropped their walkie talkie there last night and had forgotten to turn it off... it beeped a warning now to alert that the batteries were running low.  I picked up the communications device, and as I straightened up my eyes caught the sight of a d-ring... one identical to the one I have my keys attached to.  I stuck my hand inside the rebel bag and my fingers closed around... MY KEYS!  Ha!  SUCCESS! 

The rebels got away this time, but I have my keys.  All is well.  But I will continue to fight for law and order in my little paradise called 'Home', sometimes with the aid of my old friend 'Aunt Flo', and my new menopausal superpowers!  Back at base camp the coffee welcomed me.  Ahhhh, life is good. 

Dang... I'm still out of tampons!

BRONCOS FADE INTO THE SUNSET......

Another year, another season, another Super Bowl dream fades into the sunset for the Denver Broncos.  But they shall return in the fall with future dreams of greatness.  And I shall be there to cheer them on all the way to Super Bowl XXXX

With all the 'Bowl' games in the works, the NFL follows their run to the Championship with a Best of the Best 'Pro-Bowl'.  I think there should also be a 'Worst of the Worst' game called the 'Toilet Bowl'.  And Randy Moss of the Minnesota Vikings has certainly earned a spot on the starting line up for his 'simulated moon'.  He definitely gets the 'Bad Form' award.

FRUITCAKE TOSS

Rocky's school choir performed at the 10th Annual Great Fruitcake Toss in Manitou Springs this morning.  After the kids sang 'The Everlasting Fruitcake' the contest began.  The first part of the competition was hand tossed fruitcakes.  Most of the hardy delicasies were tossed again and again and again without any sign of wear and tear.  Rocky managed to toss her fruitcake approximately 50 feet before the weight of the fossilized fruit succumbed to gravity.

Later the heavy artillery was brought out, catapults, slings... and yes, even a giant sling shot!  We brought our own launcher but were disqualified on the grounds that explosives were permitted... Agh!  Every party needs a pooper I suppose!  I wanted to enter the 'Human Fruitcake Toss', but Dickidoo was a bit too heavy for me to lift.  Okay, there really wasn't a 'human fruitcake' category, but there should be!

MANGOES

My kids love mangoes.  Thats great, except for the fact that mangoes sell anywhere from $1.00 to $3.00 a piece in the state of Colorado.  It cost me almost $6.00 to buy mangoes for the family today.  Its my fault I suppose.  I buy them when ever I can afford them.  I grew up with an unlimited, year-round supply of Hayden mangoes.  I didn't know at the time that I loved them... I just ate them all the time.  Its like bread.  You don't think of it as a favorite food, yet you eat it all the time.  That was me with mangoes.  My children listen with envy as I talk about being able to go out to the back yard and pick a mango off the tree... or if our tree was barren at the time, I just had to go across the street to my Uncle's house where they had a unique tree that bore fruit all year round... half the tree would bloom at a time so there were always mangoes to be had.

3 bucks a piece... who would have guessed?  We used to have mango fights with the fallen fruit that would involve all the kids on our end of the street.  There would be rotten mango splashed all over the sidewalk and driveways, on cars and front doors.  Mynah birds would screech at us for picking their fruit, but we were actually making their job easier by smashing the fruits open.  And those suckers hurt if you got beamed at point blank range!  Talk about a sticky stinky mess, especially if you had long hair!  But they weren't as bad as strawberry guavas, which exploded on contact... or lichee fruit, which were covered with a hard, spiney peel that felt like a rock against bare skin.

I speak with a melancholy smile as I tell the stories of my childhood in the islands.  But then I come back to the present and shoot my own children a look that says... 'Don't even think about it!  Those stinkin' mangoes cost me $1.00 apiece!' 

HEAD COLD

Folks, I am truely miserable!  My sinuses are so full of snot that I think my face will explode... so don't stand to close to me... you won't want to be anywhere nearby when that happens!  I can't bend over, I can't lay down, I can't stand up... I can't sleep, I can't breath... I can't NOT breath... I feel just like one of those gold fish with the bulgy eyes and those bubbles all over their face... I wonder if they're just regular gold fish with bad sinus infections?  Gonna try my home remedy tonight... a few shots of tequila.  Steve has offered to administer his remedy, but it comes with serious side effects... pregnancy!  Thats okay... I'll stick with the tequila, cos the hangover only lasts a day.  I'm still suffering from all my pregnancies, I only just got rid of my first one and it took 20 years! 

GOT COFFEE?

    

It's only mid morning and I've already had 4 cups of coffee.  I haven't blinked in over an hour, however I have been to the bathroom about 3 times!  How is it that coffee goes in black but comes out yellow?  I know where the color goes, its just.... how does the body separate the color like that... cos thats just amazing!  And thats all I'm going to say about that!

ITS FRICKEN FREEZEN!

I walked around at work yesterday and people looked at me with odd smiles and said... "You look ... different..."  No, its not a new Wonder Bra that had given me a new youthful lift.  The weatherman predicted highs of 15 degrees.  As usual he was wrong... it never topped 10!  I was so perky it almost hurt!  Today they are predicting a heatwave of 30.  I'll wear a sweater just in case though... but one that accentuates my perkiness.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS: according to Dorn

(I got this idea from John 'The Blogman' Scalzi... since I was sick on New Years Eve and we did not have the usual celebration where we announce our resolutions, I have decided to make resolutions for everyone.)

For Steve:  I resolve for him to be more sentimental and romantic on special occasions, like our Anniversary, Valentines, Mother's Day (yeah, yeah, I know I'm not your mother, we've had this discussion before.... but you can help the kids do something special) my Birthday and Christmas.  (I know you get me all kinds of neat stuff for no reason, but still, its nice to feel extra special on that extra special day... and I mean every year, not just Leap year, or when the moon is full or what ever calendar you are using.)

For my kids:  I resolve for them to help more around the house, not just when dad threatens to take away the games.  (Even if you just pick up after yourself, what a difference that makes!  And do your school work.  It may seem useless to you now, but that Diploma is soooo important later on in life and simple lessons learned now may help out when you least expect it.  Oh... and Rocky, could you please try to be a little less like me?  Thanks!)

For Bandie, the ferret:  I resolve for Bandie to learn to use the toilet.. and flush... so we don't have to smell her 'stuff' in the cage all the time, thats just nasty!  And stop with the ankle-biting!  (Thats just a phrase humans use, you're not really supposed to bite ankles!)

For myself:  I suppose I could be a better house keeper, but hey, I suppose I could win the lottery but that'll never happen so lets stick to reality shall we?  I resolve to eat less starchy foods... notice I said 'eat less', not 'eat no'... there's no way I can totally give up my pasta, potatoes and rice... but I do acknowledge that I should cut back on my intake.  I think I also need to drink less alcohol and more water... and I don't mean adding ice to my drinks... I really mean cutting back on the 'social drinking' cos lets face it, I'm too social for my own good!  And lastly, and this one hurts... I will spend less time (ouch!) on the computer!  Truth be known I spend less time infront of the computer than my husband spends infront of the TV set, but I'm not pushing the issue, I just think I need to reset my priorities.  Of course by limiting my time on the computer I may be jeopardizing my earlier resolution to limit my alcohol and starch intake because I'm sure I will eventually get frustrated with being a good wife, mother and housekeeper and start binging.  Now wait a minute... upon further examination of my current habits I see that my time spent on the computer actually helps to regulate my alcohol and starch intake, and keeps my frustration to an acceptable level.  Which leads me to the conclusion that I am just fine the way I am and don't need a New Year's resolution to better myself in the months to come.  Wow, I feel GREAT aready!  Happy New Years!

HOW'S THIS FOR A SHOCKER!

I took the kids to the Mall to spend some of their Christmas money.  Zack and Art spent their money on a game system, some games and a couple controllers.  Becca bought clothes and things for the game system.  Rocky bought a shock pen from Spencer's Gifts! 

Yesterday morning as I rushed out of the door Rocky called out that she had found my pen and put it in my work vest pocket.  I thanked her, told her what a sweet child she was and sped off to work.  Later, I reached into my pocket to get a pen to sign off on some equipment and found a pen that was not mine and yet looked strangely familiar.  That little imp of mine had stuck her shock pen in my pocket!  And you know she was waiting by the door when I got home acting all innocent.  I'll get her back.  I don't know how yet, but I will get her back!

WE'RE GOING TO THE PLAY-OFFS!

WOO HOO!  WE DID IT!  WE'RE GOING TO THE PLAY-OFFS!  Denver kicked the Colts right where it hurt, with a final score of 33 - 14.   Ironically the Colts will get a chance to fight back with a re-match next Sunday.  The Bronco's haven't won a post-season game since 1998, and fell to the Colts in their first play-off game last year so they will be chomping at the bit.  I predict a very tough game.  And I predict that I will NOT be watching it since the wonderful people who do the scheduling have decided to make the game on Sunday instead of Saturday as I have requested... and my boss seems to feel that I should dedicate my loyalties to the unfaithful, disloyal hometown folks who think it is more important to go shopping for toilet paper and turkey pot pies than to stay home and root for the team.  But thats okay, I will not play Cinderella on Super Bowl Sunday, and if the Football Gods are willing, I will be cheering my beloved Broncos on to another Super Bowl Championship!

WILD CARD WEEKEND

Saturday, January 8
St. Louis (8-8) at Seattle (9-7)
N.Y. Jets (10-6) at San Diego (12-4)

Sunday, January 9
Denver (10-6) at Indianapolis (12-4)
Minnesota (8-8) at Green Bay (10-6)

MY FIRST SUNSET OF THE NEW YEAR

I went out hiking this afternoon with Steve, despite the fact that I have a chest cold... and boy am I glad I did, for look what greeted me at the end of the day, a gorgeous sunset.  For the whole story of my little walk-about check out my other journal, the highly neglected Tree Stand Rambling and Other Tall Tales.