I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS OR SNAKES!

Got a call at work from the kids.  'Spiders!' they say, 'Everywhere!'.  'Take them outside' I say.  'Too many, there's like millions and billions!' they say. 

Now its no secret that I do not like spiders.  Daddy-long-legs and jumping spiders are okay, in fact they're just bugs to me.  But those ones with the big fat butts and long fangs and super-glue webs... ewwwwwww!  I didn't used to be this bad, but a few years ago, while picking raspberries in Germany I wandered deep into a thicket in search of the huge succulant berries which were abundant farther in.  When my bucket was full I stood up to make my way back to the path when I spotted a spider leering at me from its web.  I turned to go a different route only to be greeted by another spider.  Then to my horror I realized that I was completely surrounded by the arachnids which seemed to be growing in size even as I stood there frozen in terror.  Fortunately the sound of my scream seemed to immobilize them just long enough for my husband to reach me and guide me out. 

So needless to say I didn't hurry home to assess the spider population at the house but nothing prepared me for what I saw when I got there.  They were everywhere.... tiny ones, coming out from the elk mount's nostril and climbing down the web ladder constructed by the first wave of invaders.  The phone rings.  The spiders have broken its perimeter, I run to find the other one.  Its my husband, the Spider hunter.

'Spiders' I say.  'Everywhere!'  'Take them outside' he says.  'Too many!' I say, 'Millions and billions!'.  He comes home and saves the house from the invasion.  I don't ask what he did, but I know he didn't get them all.  I can feel them watching me, from their lair in the nostril of the elk mount.  I don't sit on that side of the den anymore.  I sit on the other side, watching and listening..... with a can of Raid clutched in my twitching fist.