MY 'THINGS NOT TO DO' LIST

People are always eager to tell you what to do, but it seems they forget to mention what you should not do.... Here is my list of things not to do.

* Do not try to hard boil eggs in the microwave.  They will explode.  You will nearly wet your pants at the sound of this explosion.

* Do not leave your box of tampons under the bathroom sink unless you have already explained their use to your children first.  They will find them when a door-to-door salesman comes to your house, and they will open them and inquire about them as they dangle them from their fingers infront of this door-to-door salesman.

* Do not run barefoot in the snow to get the mail.  You will slip and fall on your hiney, and the mailman will never let you forget it for the entire time he has the route.  He will then tell your new mailman about it when he retires.

* Do not attempt to pull up control-top pantyhose after putting on your false fingernails.  You will not be able to do it and your husband will have to help you. 

* Do not accuse a police officer of tailgating thus forcing you to run a red light.  He will not believe you and will give you a ticket.

* Do not describe your child's teacher as a dork infront of your child, he will tell her the next day.

* Do not talk about your husband at work, he will show up behind your back and listen.

* Do not drink 2 bottles of MD 20/20 just because it tastes like Kool-ade.  It is not Kool-ade and will not taste like Kool-ade on the way back up.