HOMELAND SECURITY... begins at home!

I don't normally suffer from PMS, but with my pre-menopaus issues and this dang head cold my system is just going beserk.  And so am I!  Yesterday all it took was one dose of a non-drowsy cold and flu medicine to send me flying like a kite and off the deep end.  It made me wonder why the military didn't assemble a secret army of menopausal women suffering from PMS and a winter headcold to help rid the world of terrorists, because I'll tell you what... yesterday, if someone had given me a weapon and told me to 'get the bad guy', there would be no further need for homeland security!  A simple problem of missing keys turned into a mercenary mission to root out the sabator, my drugged mind could not comprehend why anyone would kidnap my keys.  But those little keys unlock various topsecret doors, they start the ignition to my vehicle, they are instumental in my transportation and therefore are vital in the running of my little world.  Their kidnapping was a well planned and executed attempt to disable and overthrow my whole life!  Dickidoo quitely ignored me and pretended to be interested in the commercials on the TV.  It was 10:30... the young rebels were all in bed.  I almost woke them up for interrogation, but decided that certain elements of the Geneva Convention might be at risk so I made an executive decision to wait until daybreak. 

With the morning came new problems.  My supplies had been cut off... My monthly mission, code named Aunt Flo, had to be dealt with but I was completely out of Tampons!  Undeterred,  I perched my broken glasses on my nose and began the interrogation with the rebels.  The older female was probably the leader so I started with her.  Naturally she denied any knowledge of the keys, but I knew better.  I would have to make her talk!  She became worried and began to talk.  "I don't know!" and "Not Me!"  she blurted when asked who took the keys.  Success!  I have names, I just need to find Mr. I Don't Know, and Miss Not Me.  I've have problems with them before, but this time I'm PMS'ing and I'm Pre-Menopausal... there will be no escape.

Before I could continue my investigation I heard a weird beep, coming from the pile of gear stowednext to the DVD shelf.  I went over to investigate the sound. One of the rebels had dropped their walkie talkie there last night and had forgotten to turn it off... it beeped a warning now to alert that the batteries were running low.  I picked up the communications device, and as I straightened up my eyes caught the sight of a d-ring... one identical to the one I have my keys attached to.  I stuck my hand inside the rebel bag and my fingers closed around... MY KEYS!  Ha!  SUCCESS! 

The rebels got away this time, but I have my keys.  All is well.  But I will continue to fight for law and order in my little paradise called 'Home', sometimes with the aid of my old friend 'Aunt Flo', and my new menopausal superpowers!  Back at base camp the coffee welcomed me.  Ahhhh, life is good. 

Dang... I'm still out of tampons!