THE FARTRILIQUIST, and fart etiquette

One of my children possesses a wonderful talent but is too bashful, or smart, to own up to it.  That talented child is a 'fartriliquist', one who can throw the sound and/or smell of a fart in another direction so as to avoid detection and responsibility for said stench.  Oh, the fun I could have with a talent such as that!

Today, as I sat at my computer, I couldn't help but admire the skill involved in fartriliquism even as I sat gasping for air and blinking back the tears from my eyes as the putrid gas filled the air.  The three spawn in the room with me vehemently denied the infraction and I immediately discounted my oldest daughter's confession for although she was gladly laying claim to the talent, she had been down the hall in the bathroom at the time.  Even the greatest fartriliquist of all time, my brother, could not have thrown a fart that far, so who was it?

For now the culprit remains a mystery.  But I shall eventually discover who the silent gasser is and then I shall learn the art of fartriliquism.  Never again will I have to excuse myself from a crowd to relieve the pressure.  No more will I have to fake a cough or force a laugh to hid the sound of a butt burp.  And never again will I endure the embarrassing and accusing glares from others who know darn well where the smell came from.  I will learn to throw my farts, and let someone else take the blame for it!

For those who have not aquired the talent, allow me to share an emergency response trick of mine.  When you are in a crowd and find yourself in an embarrassing situation, quickly turn to someone nearby, wrinkle your nose up and say 'Excuse you!'  Even if the person denies the charges, or tries the old 'he who smelt it dealt it' routine, the damage has already been done and the others in the party will believe that the accused is actually the offender.  A word of caution, this does not work if you are with only one other person!  Dogs are always easy scapegoats, and in some circumstances ducks and frogs.  Even cats and babies!  But when you are with just one other person, just smile and accept responsibility.  Besides, no matter what anyone else may have you believe, everyone farts, and most farts stink!