SIMPLY BREATHTAKING

Dickidoo volunteered to do supper last night.  I love when he does supper.  It usually means pizza or Chinese take-out.  Last night it meant Albertaco's carnitas burritos.  I ate my fill and slept well.  When I woke this morning I felt light and airy, which is normal after such a great feast followed by a restful sleep, but this was exceptional.  It was as if I was walking on air.  In fact I looked like a hot air balloon, just barely hoovering over the ground.  It wasn't until this afternoon before I finally came in for a landing, and believe me... it was hard and fast!  Phew!  Love them Albertaco carnitas burritos, but man does the state's air quality index suffer after I eat them.

Question of the day:  Do you flatulate in public or do you run to the bathroom to fumigate?  Do you just let one rip or do you leak them out while making a hasty retreat, hoping that nobody comes up behind you while you're fumigating?  When you sound off in the presence of company, do you excuse yourself or do you proudly exclaim 'Woooweeee!  Dang, I don't remember it smelling that bad when I ate it!'  When someone else poots, do you politely ignore it, or do you pinch your nose and ask 'Yeow!  What climbed up your butt and died?'  Do you accommodate your body's natural reflex or do you keep it pent up, pinching it back until you can't hold it back any more while running to the bathroom?  Do you take proud ownership for your creation or blatantly lie and try to blame it on your pet or someone else in the room?

I have found that over the years my attitude towards public flatulation has changed.  Growing up, farts were always a source of embarrassment.  I remember Daddy always blaming his squeakers on an imaginary dog named 'Snippy'.  He'd peer under the table, scolding 'Snippy', and stupid me would always look under the table, hoping to get a glimpse of this elusive, gaseous canine but only getting a nose full of last night's left overs.  I would always release my gas in the bathroom and mask the odor with air freshener.  It wasn't until I met my Baban that I discovered that farts could be fun.  She had no inhibitions, she'd crack them as they came. 

Now I find myself striving for a record breaking longest blast.  I'm still experimenting to see if the heat of the vapors produce steam in the winter.  I've not been able to spin around fast enough after purging yet and far there have been no volunteers to help me in this experiment.

A young man once told me 'I don't fart, I burp!'.  I then turned to his girlfriend (my sister... hehehehe) and asked her 'And you kiss him?'  Ewwwww!

A co-worker proudly proclaimed after a loud belch 'Better to burp and taste it, Than to fart and waste it!'  Again, Ewwwwww!

There's a reason gas is expelled from the butt and the butt points in the opposite direction from the nose.  I am no longer embarrassed by farts but lets face it, there is only one good thing about farts and that is that they don't have a taste!  Nor can the smell be transferred over the internet, and YOU can thank your lucky stars for that one because otherwise you might find yourself a little breathless right about now.