If my heart is numb with grief, why does it hurt so bad?

Rachelle is being laid to rest even as I type this.  I attended the funeral but was over whelmed by my emotions.  I did not intend to view her body but something drew me to the casket.  She lay there... her body, and yet it was a doll's face, similar to hers, but not...  My mind accepted the easy way out, 'No, that's not Rachelle, there's been a mistake!'

Babies cried openly.  I cried inside. 

To know Rachelle was to love her.  The church was over flowing with those who loved her. 

'She is not dead, her life has just changed' the Father said.  'If you live, you must die, and you must die to live.'

But not like that!  I screamed silently.  Not like that!

'She will watch over her children at God's side'

She should be watching over them by their side, here on earth!

There had been a memorial in the break room at work.  A small table was lovingly draped in pale pink cloth.  Cards signed from edge to edge and spotted by tears lay amongst the figurines and flowers.  Balloons floated silently on pink and white ribbon.  I saw it and shook my head.

'That should not be here' I said and sat with my back to it, as if not looking at it would make it go away.  Yesterday as I sat again with my back stubbornly towards the table, the store manager and a couple of other employees began to box the memorial up to transport it to the church.  The finality of it took my breath away.

'No, that should stay there!'

It was a beautiful service, but I could not bear to see Rachelle lowered into the earth that she just recently walked so gracefully upon.  I waited until the last car in the funeral procession left the parking lot for the cemetary and then drove off in the opposite direction.

Ironically I found myself wondering about 'his' family.  They are grieving the loss of a son and a beloved daughter-in-law but it must be done in private.  There was no obituary in the local paper.  There is no guest book, no public support, no memorial.  While I feel no sorrow for the man who took such a wonderful person from us, I am saddened that his family must bear their grief in silence.

On the wings of an angel may you find everlasting peace Rachelle.  I shall miss you.