THINGS I LEARNED AS A KID

THESE THINGS I LEARNED AS A CHILD:

* Aquiring a taste for burnt food usually nets you the first and last batch of cookies all to yourself.

* Sisters can't keep secrets.

* Grown-ups always believe the first one to tattle.

* You have 12 years of school to learn everything you need to know about life.

* Dads are smarter than moms.

* The best meal includes a fried product, a baked product, gravy and dessert.

* Being a kid is hard because you have to follow all your parents rules.

* Being a parent is easy, you just have to watch your kids grow up.

* Boogers make good glue when hanging pictures on the wall.

* Moms smell good.

* Babies smell bad.

* Santa Claus doesn't really skip the bad kids, he just holds on to the presents until February.

* Chocolate is a good investment.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED AS AN ADULT:

* Kids will eat anything if they're hungry enough.

* Sisters can keep secrets.

* A good tattler prevents many catastrophes.

* You will never know everything.

* Dads and kids are the only ones who believe that dads are smarter than moms.

* Any meal is good if its prepared by someone else and there are no dishes to clean up.

* Being a child is easy, all you have to do is grow up.

* Being a parent is hard because you have to make sure the child grows up.

* Boogers freeze in your nostrils in the wintertime.

* Mom's smell good because they must contantly wash up after messes made by the children.

* Babies smell good.

* Santa Claus shops at Wal-Mart.

* Chocolate is a good investment.

 

Computer, sweet computer!

I'm back on my pedigree Dell computer, and I am content!  I hate that Frankenstein computer upstairs, I will never EVER use it again!

The weather here has been a little freaky lately.  Yesterday and today we had tornado watches, not just warnings but watches!  So what does my less-than-average family do?  They all run outside to 'watch' for tornados.  Okay, I'll admit it, I was out there with them staring up at the cloud formations.  I have several 1 minute videos of some awesome swirling clouds directly overhead.  No, they weren't funnel clouds, but I've always wanted to see a funnel cloud and was thinking that I might be able to capture the formation of one.  My little Rocky was scared probably for the first time in her entire life.

'Swirling clouds in a tornado watch area is bad, right?  So shouldn't you be inside the house?'  She was awesome, she had all the pets downstairs near the crawlspace, just in case (including the hermit crabs).  It was her genuine concern that made me give up my lifelong desire to witness a funnel cloud first hand and go inside.  I wasn't worried, but she was, and I wanted her to know that her precautions were well founded.  In all there were about 4 funnel clouds spotted yesterday (none by me), with 2 confirmed touch-downs in the north.  I've got to admit I'm glad they weren't any where near my children.

I've lost 5 pounds since the discovery of the condoms.  I'm sure there's a weightloss fad in there somewhere, I'm just not sure how to market it.  Another thing I've noticed lately, I'm very sarcastic.  Okay, let me re-word that, I am MORE sarcastic than normal.  I'm thinking about giving my husband a box of Trojans for Father's Day.  I suppose I should be really mad and maybe even hate him, but heck, he's put up with me for 20 years, I can't help but admire him for that.  My own parents only put up with me for 23 years before they got me married off (to him, poor guy!) and out of their house.  So anyhow, I'm feeling a little 'disposable' right now, but I imagine I still have some recycleable qualities... somewhere.... besides the air that I breath and my paycheck that is. 

I've been puzzled by a strange occurance in my household.  I buy toilet paper every payday, a 4 roll pack for each ofour 3 bathrooms.  Thats 12 rolls of toilet paper every 2 weeks, or six a week.  We have 7 people in the house at the moment... 4 are male who use the 'drip-dry' method unless they 'do the doo'.  3 of us have full time jobs that keep us out of the house for up to 9 hours, 5days a week.  So where is all that toilet paper going?  I don't understand it.  I go maybe 4 times a day (including the time at work), which is 28 times a week.  There's no way I use a whole roll of toilet paper in one week, and I wipe EVERYTIME I go!  I'm almost sure I'm going to open a closet door one day and be hit by an avalanche of toilet paper rolls.  Or maybe there's a toilet paper Bermuda Triangle vortex thing... or a worm hole or some other strange phenomenon in my house that is responsible for the disappearance of countless rolls of Charmin over the months.  It just totally baffles me.

Finally, I've come to the conclusion that it was the Dirty Dish Fairy that I found floating in the kitchen sink the other day.  We've had to resort to paper plates and plasticware.  I had to buy some cans of soda because all the cups and glasses are dirty.  For now I must sign off so I can look up telekenetic methods and techniques which I hope to use to load the dishwasher.  I hope they have an accelerated course because I'm about out of paper plates!  In honor of the untimely passing of the Dirty Dish Fairy I shall be flying my dishtowel at half mast in the kitchen tomorrow.  She will be greatly missed.  Amen and good night.

I had planned a nice little entry about lessons learned as a child but I am having to work on my childrens' computer and I just may have to kill it instead. I have had to restart 3 times now.  The keyboard keeps switching to all caps without me hitting the caplock key, I can type but nothing shows up on the screen.... agh!  Lets face it, this computer is a Frankenstein computer.... it has bits and pieces from other computers, and I think its haunted, I swear it is!  Its a reconditioned Dell with a HP monitor and printer, and eMachine keyboard and JUSTer speakers.  The mouse is a Dell, but its more of a rat if you ask me.  Just gonna have to kick that boy of mine out of my computer room cos this just is not cutting it.  I want my computer back!  Got a $1500 computer down there and I'm sitting here pecking on this Frankenstein contraption... I don't think so!  I did a virus scan just incase cos I didn't want to catch anything but nothing was detected.  I did find 99 documents qued for printing... 99?  Their printer has been out of ink for a month... well, now I know why!  What could they possibly have to print... some of those documents had multiple pages!

Thats okay, I'll be alright.  I'm just going to send this, shut this monstrosity down, go to work, and when I come home I'll be able to get onto MY computer.  No more Frankenstein computer with the haunted keyboard.  I just know theres a gremlin or something watching me from the otherside of the monitor screen, messing with the harddrive.  I'm tempted to pull the surge protector during the next thunderstorm.... hahahahaha!  ZAP!  That'll do it!  Sizzle, sizzle!  Hey, I'm feeling better already!

Just a little about me....

My kids used to love to hear fairy tales, but lets face it, fairies don't have a long life expectantcy in my house so lately they've been asking for 'when you were a kid' stories.

As a child I was mostly quiet in public.  My report cards through grade school always ended with the same comment... "too quiet".  I think that comment led my parents to hold little faith in the opinions of teachers because I was anything but quiet at home.

I remember the first time I got hauled into the pricipals office.  A little boy had gotten stung by a bee.  So why was I sent to the office?  Well, apparently my name was brought up when the boy was asked why he was trying to catch the bee in his hand.  I was a sort of school-yard celebrity because I could catch bees in my hand and I'd hold them to the other kids ears and let them hear them buzzing.  This one little boy decided that he wanted to try it but when he did, he got stung.  So I was being interrogated as to why I made him catch the bee knowing that it was dangerous.  I just looked at the boy and stated that 'he was stupid, I didn't tell him to squish the bee, they only sting if you squish them!'.  I was forbidden to catch anymore bees from that day on, and I was also forbidden from calling my classmates 'stupid' infront of the principal, thus making them cry again like the stupid crybaby that they are.

One of my favorite stories include a crab apple tree and a basset hound.  Strange combination, I know, but I swear this one is true.  I was walking down behind our home in Navy housing in Groton Connecticut, there was a fenced in field off to the side and I used to love to climb the crab apple tree and watch the horses in the pasture.  Well, I was just about at the clump of trees when I heard this gosh awful baying.  I turned around and this huge basset hound was running full speed right at me!  Terrified, I ran to the nearest tree and scrambled up as fast as my chubby little legs would let me.  And... I kid you not, this dog scrambled up behind me!  For a second I just sat there watching in total disbelief as this big fat dog with stumps for legs climbed closer and closer.  Then, with a scream I jumped down.  Suddenly something hit me like a ton of bricks.  The dog had jumped down on top of me.  I scrambled up from under it and ran! I guess the impact had knocked the wind out of the dog because it didn't follow me, and of course it was gone when I dragged my family out to check out my story.  The lesson I learned from this episode is that there is no such thing as 'can't', just 'hasn't yet'.  For instance, the statement 'dogs can't climb trees' should actually be worded 'a dog hasn't yet been witnessed climbing a tree' therefore leaving the possibility open that it might actually happen, as it did to me.  

Soon after that my baby sister became the victim of my experimental humor.  She was about 5 years younger and was always tagging along, getting in the way and tattling.  Once, while visiting my grandparents I was instructed against my wishes to take her along with my cousins and I when we went to explore the sugar cane field.  As we walked through the tall cane I fumed, and tried to come up with a way to ditch the little brat.  My cousin was up ahead telling a story about how wild pigs sometimes come through the cane field.  Suddenly it hit me, it was brilliant!  I stooped down by the roots of a cane clump and called the others over.  As we peered down at the moss covered ground my baby sister asked what it was.  I looked up at her and said in my best 'Twilight Zone' voice... 'PIG PEE!'  That did it!  Everyone screamed and scattered!  I knew exactly where I was going and enjoyed a good laugh with my cousins farther into the field.  It was short lived though for when we returned to my grandmother's yard my parents were waiting for me with the news that my baby sister had returned home... alone... and that I was now grounded.  I think the only times I have ever been grounded, with the exception of maybe once or twice, involved my baby sister.  When we went back to Hawaii last summer for our first ever family reunion one of my kids, meeting their Auntie Beenie and the star of many of my stories for the first time, asked if she remembered how rotten I was to her.  She looked me square in the eye and said 'She was my hero, she might have picked on me alot, but she was always there to protect me when I needed her'.  Oh my gosh, I never knew!  I moved over and whispered to the kids.. 'Lets not remind her of any of those stories, okay?'.

Watching my children growing I see that their lives will be rich with memories to share with their children.  Sometimes I look at them and think, 'I am so lucky to have such precious children', and other times I think 'Oh my gosh, I was never that bad, was I?'  Well, the jury is out and after the reunion I think it has been decided that I was infact worse than my own children.  Hmmm, I don't know about that, I demand a recount!

 

GOOD FRIENDS, OLD FRIENDS

What a wonderful surprise to wake and find that a very dear friend has visited while I was asleep.  Doris, my neighbor Deb and I tore up the town at the end of the millenium.  It was quite a time.  I remember once going out to dinner at a nice Italian spot... and fighting over who got to sit on the vibrating reservation alert thingie.  When asked if we were ready to order I pointed to a feature on the menu and asked... "We were wondering if this Meaty Italian has a brother?"  The waiter asked dear little Doris if she wanted to sit at another table... alone!  The three of us also cleared an Adult book and toy store when my friend pointed something long, spiney and black out to me and I exclaimed.... 'You put that where?'.  That was all in one night, there were many more, but not since she moved back to Germany, I miss you Doris!  My dishes miss you! (when Doris was here I didn't need a Dirty Dish Fairy, she was my Dirty Dish Fairy!)

On the subject of dirty dishes I thought I'd just toss in a couple of product endorsments.  No, I'm not getting paid for this.... hmmmmm, infact they may even charge me for it... so lets not let this get out.  Anyhow... for the dishwasher, try Cascade packets, with the orange colored Dawn in them.  They are awesome!  They even get 2 day old oatmeal off bowls!  Of course you have to actually load the dishwasher in order for them to work, and as my son found out... it will not dissolve green beans and macaroni... scrape the large pieces of food off the dishes first!

Venus razor by Gillette... best disposable razor in the world!  I don't even have to do a pre-shave with the weed-wacker first... it gets everything the first time around.  Oh, and guys, do you want to know why your armpits smell halfway through the day even though you've put deoderant on?  Its because you're just deoderizing your pit hair.  Shave it off and get the deoderant on your pits... thats the ticket!  And use the Venus razor... no razor burn!

And finally.... a word of advise to those out there who actually take advise.... Don't bake a meatloaf the night before and leave it in the oven overnight.  It will soak up the grease from the pan and when it cools it will stick to the pan... and no amount of reheating will release it.  It will take a chisel to get it out and it will no longer resemble a meat load.... more like a cow pie or something of similar qualities.  Well, I'm off to work.  Thanks to all who left words of sympathy and encouragement.  I needed them and took them to heart. 

LIFE AFTER THE PITY PARTY

Spent the day doing dishes.  I found something floating in the dishwater, lifeless and waterlogged, its wings limp and translucent.  I am hopping that it was just a moth and not the Dirty Dish Fairy.  Not quite sure, I guiltily flushed it down the toilet before anyone else saw.

The children are oddly agreeable today. No fights or conflicts to report.  My husband went out and bought some icecream so that we could have rootbeer floats WITH icecream.  Becca still insists that her icecreamless float is almost as good as the real thing.  I still think she was dropped on her head as a baby but I still love her.

My husband was napping earlier on the couch, goodness knows it must be hard work riding dirtbikes all day.  I personally wouldn't know being as I was banished to the kitchen doing dishes all day (thanks for nothing little miss Dirty Dish Fairy... maybe next time you'll learn to do the dog paddle!) I guess a dirty sock woke him up cos he grabbed a sock and held it up demanding to know who's it was.  Sniff it, I told him, everyone has a distinct foot odor, like a finger print.  You can tell whose sock it is just by comparing the odor of the sock with each persons foot.  He just gave me 'that look' and had one of the kids throw the sock away.  He thinks I'm kidding, I'm not.  I can tell you right now that his feet smell like balsamic vinegar.  Mine, like my farts, smell like roses.  Pink roses.

SOMETIMES MY LIFE SUCKS LIKE A BIG BAD BABY

I am a firm believer that life is all about how you choose to react to all that is tossed out to you.  Most of the time I just duck, but laugh when I get splashed with a little bit of muck.  Today I am taking a break from ducking and laughing.

I'm going to be a grandma, have I ever mentioned that?  I am sooooo excited, I've been waiting to be a grandma ever since I heard that grandparents can get revenge on their own children by spoiling their grandbabies rotten.  I've been waiting almost 20 years for this!  Unfortunately my future grandbaby is in Ohio and I am still unsure if his mother will move back here in order for me to fulfill my rights. Heavy sigh, heavy sigh!  This is just not fair. My oldest boy is working again to get money to bring his girlfriend back and set up an apartment.  He's got a good job as a bartender.  Unfortunately he hasn't yet told his girlfriend that its at a booby-bar.  That would be a hard sell under normal conditions, but with her being pregnant and her hormones all haywire, and with the entire length of the country between them I don't see her being too forgiving about his choice of occupations.

Found some condoms in my husband's computer laptop bag.  Now I'm not so stupid as to think that he would need them on his fingers for cyber-sex.  He says he hasn't had time to do anything with them, like thats supposed to make me feel any better. Quite honestly I don't know what would make me feel better right now, maybe a Chippendale dude dressed in nothing but a bowtie and baby oil whispering in my ear 'You've got Mail' might help, but nothing else I'm sure.

My girls tore my cloth red white and blue Americana Rooster... thingie... almost in half.  I'm really not too sure what it was supposed to be, my son got it for me at an auction, so I just put it on the dining table when there's space.  They had a tug-of-war with it last night.  The rooster lost.  My husband lost his temper and started cussing at them.  Next thing I know I'm yelling at him for cussing at them for tearing the rooster.  How stupid is all that?  Calgon, take me away.

Actually I've tried the Calgon escape but it doesn't work.  For starters, my bathtub is too shallow.  And when I do try to have a bubble bath, the kids are always banging at the door asking things like 'what are you doing?' 'How long are you going to be?'. 

So anyhow, my girls are grounded today, which means that I am grounded because they can't be left home alone.  My husband is out with my youngest boy at the dirtbike track.  The girls are taking a break from cleaning their rooms right now.  Becca just asked me if I wanted a rootbeer float... without the icecream since we haven't got any... Sometimes I wonder if she was dropped as a baby.  I know I didn't drop her, but someone must have, this can't be normal.

Oh well, my break is over.  The dirty dish fairy must be on strike or something because she hasn't been here for weeks.  I've got a mountain of dishes to do so I better get started now.  Ahhhhh life, does it get any better than this?  (Please say it does... please!)

THE NEWS ACCORDING TO DORN

I don't have time for TV nowdays, except to watch the news and occasionally catch an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  I watch CNN only for up to date news, but my favorite news and commentaries are on Fox.  This is MY version of the week in brief.

Terry Nichols asks jury to spare his life when sentencing him for his role in the Oklahoma City bombing. He was found guilty of 161 counts of murder.  He stated that since the bombing he has found religion.  I say hang him and let the real Judge and jury pass sentence!

Today is the National Day of Mourning for former President Ronald Reagan.  I saw a report showing the line of people waiting to get into the Rotunda to view his casket.  It looked more like a line for an amusement park ride, people dressed in shorts and tee shirts, trash all over the place.  I would have hoped that there of all places and of all times people would be a little more respectful.  To be fair though some people were in line for up to 5 hours, thats an awfully long time.  I was just wondering though... did they have portapotties out there on the lawn cos I couldn't have stood there that long without, well, you know.... relief!

Ray Charles has also passed on.  I used to love watching him perform.  Now he will play with a different band.  Did you know he played for Reagan's innaugeration?  Looks like he'll play for him again.

Teacher in Rochester NY washes 10 year old student's mouth out with soap for using foul language in class.  The teacher is on administrative leave.  The student who had been suspended several times in the past, behaved for the rest of the day.  I personally do not believe in corporal punishment at schools... but I grew up in a time when it was allowed, and went to schools that practised it.. and it worked!  Time out and suspension works on some kids, but not all. For some it is viewed as a sort of vacation, they don't care about the fact that it will be a part of their permanent school record... they don't have to go to school!  Maybe a little hard labor doing repairs to the school grounds would do the trick instead of giving them a 'get out of class for free' card.

And for Falluja... I recommend a total evacuation of the city and then... 'Buh Bye!'

So there you have it, the weeks news, according to me.  And you also know now why I am just a blogger and not a news reporter or politician... or lawyer, or teacher, or even rich for that matter!

SECURITY ALARM

We were talking at work about bubble wrap, its a favorite toy and past time at my job... and I got to thinking about something that happened to me right after we moved into our current house.  I was working the closing shift at the burger joint, and usually didn't get home until after midnight.  My first night after the move had me driving back to the old house and actually parking in the driveway before I realized that I no longer lived there.  The second night I made it to the right house, but nobody had left the porch lights on for me so I was totally in the dark trying to get a strange key into a strange door.  The house was pitch black when I stepped in.  Suddenly there was an explosion of popping.  I screamed and jumped forward into the darkness.  More popping.  Everytime I put down my foot there was an explosion.  I lunged for the wall where I thought the light switches were.  Amidst the noise of these pops I finally found the switch and the foyer was flooded with light.  I was standing in the middle of a minefield of bubblewrap!  One of the little trolls they gave me at the hospital instead of a human baby had carpeted the entire entranceway with large pink bubblewrap!  I sank to the floor in relief... of course setting off more of the pops... and waited to compose myself.  This was definitely worse than stepping on a mousetrap in the dark... mousetraps only snap once.  The giggling the next morning at the breakfast table indicated that it was a joint operation. Well, no desert after lunch that day!  I did take notes though, that will also go into my bag of tricks I learned from my kids.

And for those of you who like to play with bubblewrap, here's a little virtual toy for you when you're waiting for your journal counter to go up...Virtual bubblewrap

REUNION CANCELED DUE TO BAD WEATHER

So we went to the creek instead.  Our mission, to find geodes which are hollow rocks with crystals inside.

We didn't find any but we found a lot of petrified wood, several bleached animal bones (I hope they were animal bones!), and tracks! The tracks above are turkey and racoon tracks. Its almost scary how the bird track is larger than the varmit track. (EDIT: after posting this message I was informed by Zack that this is actually the print of a Great Blue Heron and not a turkey... oops!  Well, I guess you all now know why we call him the smart one)

Becca always tries so hard to be a lady, but lets face it, she has a lousy role model.  She didn't stay dry for long.

 

Zack was the smart one, he decided not to go into the water and stayed on the shore skipping stones.

 

 That didn't stop the others though.  Rocky, being Rocky, was the first one in the water.

 Of course it didn't take the other two long before they were floating down the creek with her.  The ride home was awful though, the whole truck smelt like a septic tank!  I had hoped to do a walk-through at the model homes in the new housing developement down the way but something told me they wouldn't appreciate our visit so we came straight home to shower instead.  If the smell didn't run other potential buys off, our hill-billy manners probably would have.  Oh well, we'll introduce ourselves another day.

FAMILY REUNION

Okay, its not really a family reunion.... we're just going to the zoo, but we always get soooo many comments about the kids resemblence to the inhabitants of the monkey house!  In fact I've taken to calling my own home the monkey house.  I draw the line at flinging feces though!

Ohhhhhh, on the subject of feces.... (if you have a scratch-n-sniff-capable computer, now would be a good time to turn off the sensor), I found one in the toilet the other day soooooo big that it just wouldn't flush, even after 6 tries.  How do kids make things like that?   I'm not kidding, it had to be at least 10 inches long!  Thats not taking a dump, thats giving birth!  I wasn't sure if I should flush it or slap a diaper on it and give it a name! Holy mackeral!

Okay, enough about that.... I'm off to the zoo.  I guess I'll be a good mom and have the kids hands stamped at the gate so the zookeepers will believe me when I say that they came in with me when we try to leave... although it is always tempting to leave them there with the other primates, even for a day or two.

p.s. for my readers who have not yet realized that this journal is about the lighter side of my life and should not be taken seriously.... please do not call the police on me for child abandoment, I am not really going to leave my children at the zoo.  The last time I tried the zookeepers caught up with me before I even got out of the parking lot.

HOT POTATO

Last night we had baked potatoes for supper.  I was really looking forward to reheating one for breakfast this morning.  The kids were all still in bed when I got ready for work, so after dressing I went straight to the frige and found the biggest foil wrapped potato there was and pulled it out.  It was huge and I was very excited about smothering it in all kinds of carbs and calories!  I peeled back the foil, set the potato in a bowl and got everything ready.  When everything was all layed out on the table I got a knife and tried to cut the potato open.  It crunched!  Huh?  I cut that sucker in half and the truth was revealed.  The potato was raw!  Some little gremlin had wrapped a raw potato in foil and stuck it in the frige with the baked potatoes!  I guess I should have been upset, but I wasn't.  I just stood there thinking, 'dang, that was good, I wish I had thought of that first!'.  I had to eat a much smaller potato for breakfast, but thats okay.  I'm just glad the culprit wasn't around to see my face when I first cut into that spud.

GAMBLING

On the top of the $10 scratch card are the words 'Win up to 20 times!' which can also be interpreted as 'Lose up to 20 times', but I'm an optimist.  Take yesterday for example.  I had $3 left over after shopping so I bought 3 $1 scratch cards.  Two were losers, as usual, but the third on was a winner.  I won $1.00!  Woooo Hoooo!  I stuck the winning card in the visor of my truck, where I keep all my other winning cards.  I currently have maybe $8.  I probably spent $30 getting those cards, but its not about how much you spend, its about how much you win!  That same mentality keeps me happy at the casino as well.  My husband doesn't let me go often, and when we do go he limits me to $100. The last time we went I came home with $40 in quarters.  I was absolutely bubbling with happiness because I had won a small jackpot just as we were leaving.  My husband is more of a pessimist and naturally was unhappy because in his eyes he saw it as losing $160 between the two of us.  Now that kind of thinking is just going to bring you down.  No wonder he's so grumpy all the time.

The Birds and the Bees

I posted this on my other journal, Treestand ramlin' (and other tall tales) but thought I'd post it here as well in tribute to my husband with Father's Day right around the corner.

The Birds and the Bees talk

My husband and I knew there would come a day when the kids would inquire about the birds and the bees, so we came to an agreement.  He would handle the boys and I would take care of the girls.  Sooooo, when my oldest boy, who was about 6 or 7 at the time, asked what the difference between a boy deer and a girl deer was, naturally I sent him to ask his father.  And this is what Daddy had to say:

"Well son, you see, the boy deer has antlers, and the girl deer doesn't"

End of discussion.

COUNTER

This Journal has been read times since its creation on March 18, 2004

Woooooo Hoooooo!  Check it out, and I didn't even have to hit the refresh button to make it climb this time!  Thanks everyone.

Dorn

I AM SICK, WITH AN INCURABLE DISEASE

Hello, my name is Dorn, and I am a Blogging Addict.  Its hard to admit it, I didn't even realize it at first.  But the symptoms are obvious.  I go straight to the computer in the morning after I start the coffee pot.  I open my mailbox for any new Comment Alerts, then go  to my journal and check the counter to compare the number from what it was before I logged off last night.  Pleased that there have been 20 hits overnight, I go to my favorite journals and read their latest entries.  I try to leave a comment of my own because I know how much I appreciate when they leave me comments.  I wait until the last minute to log off, just incase I get a Comment Alert.... I like to read them as soon as they pop up.

During the day I refer to other journalers as 'friends', even though I don't know them personally and in fact only know them by their screen name.  They are real enough to me and I believe every thing they write because nobody would ever lie or exaderate on a journal.

After work I rush back home and straight down to the computer room and turn on AOL.  My mailbox is full lately and I am happy because most of the comments are favorable.  I have so many friends now and I feel so special.

But when my husband comes in I guiltily shut down the computer.  He gives me long brooding looks.  I think he suspects that I might be having some kind of online affair, but he never says anything.  Its hard, but I wait until he goes to bed before logging on again.  More journal alerts... so I quickly pull them up and read them before checking the counter and logging off.

Now that I am over the denial stage of this addiction I must deal with it.  I didn't sleep well last night trying to come up with a solution.  With the sunrise came the answer.  I will just have to make a committment and take responsibility for my sickness.  I will have to go cold turkey.  It will be hard in the beginning, but changes must be made in order to save my sanity.

I will quit my job and devote myself to blogging full time! 

And I will start a help group for other addicts so that they may come to terms with their sickness.  I will call it 'Bloggers Anonymous'.  Blogging is not a crime, it isa disease.  Don't hate me because I blog.  Bloggers are people too.  Just because we 'LOL' instead of laughing out loud doesn't make us bad.  We are just misunderstood.   And bloggers are beautiful people.  I am proud to be a blogger! 

(oops, here comes the husband, gotta go!)

BLOGGERS ANONYMOUS

Updating Journal for Dummies

My journal is being featured this week as part of a Father's Day Feature - probably because I make fun of my husband a lot.  And I'll probably get in trouble with him once he discovers my journal but thats okay, for a week I am FAMOUS!  (kind of, sort of).  I didn't get a number, but I did get my picture on the welcome screen.  Didn't think they'd make it so big, makes my nose look even bigger than it is.  You can almost see up my nostrils... please don't look, I didn't mow them before the picture was taken. 

So anyhow, in celebration of my feature,  I am making some upgrades to my journal.  These are inter-active upgrades so you will have to follow the instructions I give to benefit from the application.  First of all, in order to spruce up my journal, kind of give it a flashy facelift with the little blinkies that are so popular with the other journals, I am adding some of my own.  Here is where the 'inter-active' part comes in.  When ever you see a little asterik, like this  *  , just blink your eyes several times in succession.  The more you blink, the faster the blinkie!  Try it now:

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you did it properly you should have seen a blinking row of twinkly stars.  Got it?  Good.  Now I'll add some color.... and.... blink! blink! blink!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * 

Next I will add some background music.  Scroll back up to *the top of the message.  Under the heading there should be a song title * and the artist that performs it.  In this case it is 'How Do You Like Me Now' by Toby Keith.  Go to AOL Music on the toolbar and click on it.  Find the country section and select TobyKeith, and then the song title.  Crank it up and continue reading the message.  *       *

Through the marvels of modern technology I am now able to provide you with a unique interactive online  * experience.  I *hope you have enjoyed your visit here at my journal.  To my new found friends, thank you  for the support and encouragement you * have given me.  To those who made fun of my name, or made insinuations as to whether or not I have* a life, all I can say is....   (crank up the chorus now)   "How Do You Like Me Now?!"  *

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

MY 'THINGS NOT TO DO' LIST

People are always eager to tell you what to do, but it seems they forget to mention what you should not do.... Here is my list of things not to do.

* Do not try to hard boil eggs in the microwave.  They will explode.  You will nearly wet your pants at the sound of this explosion.

* Do not leave your box of tampons under the bathroom sink unless you have already explained their use to your children first.  They will find them when a door-to-door salesman comes to your house, and they will open them and inquire about them as they dangle them from their fingers infront of this door-to-door salesman.

* Do not run barefoot in the snow to get the mail.  You will slip and fall on your hiney, and the mailman will never let you forget it for the entire time he has the route.  He will then tell your new mailman about it when he retires.

* Do not attempt to pull up control-top pantyhose after putting on your false fingernails.  You will not be able to do it and your husband will have to help you. 

* Do not accuse a police officer of tailgating thus forcing you to run a red light.  He will not believe you and will give you a ticket.

* Do not describe your child's teacher as a dork infront of your child, he will tell her the next day.

* Do not talk about your husband at work, he will show up behind your back and listen.

* Do not drink 2 bottles of MD 20/20 just because it tastes like Kool-ade.  It is not Kool-ade and will not taste like Kool-ade on the way back up.

 

Pictures of the Memorial Day Fiasco

Art before the cannon ball injury

Zack would later win 3rd place for the small bore cannon competition.

Becca discovers the emergency breaks.

We cleaned Rocky up and found a cute little girl under all the dirt.

Rocky hated going that slow, we had to tie the throttle so she wouldn't go too fast.  This is the 'Little Bike that Could', and yes, that big guy running along side it actually rides it as well (don't go much faster with him on, even with the throttle all the way!)  Its a little bike with a big heart.

This is me above the knees

And me below the knees.

My first mistake this year was to let my husband be in charge of the kid's packing.  As I left for work my youngest reminded me to wash a load of her clothes and bring them up with me.  My husband decided at the last minute to go and get the mini dirtbike off of layaway, but came home with the mini, a youth sized ATV and a full sized dirt bike!  Well, there goes his downpayment for his Harley.  'Don't worry honey, I'm sure the guys will still let you join their Harley club with the dirt bike, just change the sticker' I told him.  That would be quite a sight, Steve looks like a Shriners clown on the dirtbike, its poor little shocks were all maxed out.  Everytime he approaches a hill I call out to the bike 'I think I can, I think I can!'  Steve will probably run me over the next time (if he can get up enough speed that is) but its sooooo funny to watch.

My plan to send the chili up on Friday night so the air would be clear of the after affects by the time I got up there.... didn't work.  The whole camp had gas sooo bad I was afraid to light a match.  It was pretty cold up there so we were able to test my theory about farts making steam when they hit cold air (the way breath does...) the answer is... no, farts do not steam up in cold air!  At least chili farts don't.  They do, however smell just as bad and linger longer.

This was a black powder club campout in Florence.  The scenery is stunning and we go there every Memorial weekend.  Many of the campers are re-enactors and dress up as Union or Confederate soldiers, mountain men or Native Americans.  We have the outfits to dress as Natives, but those are our Pow Wow outfits and are not appropriate to wear for something like this.  My boys were the only ones from our family participating in the shooting events this year, they were firing cannons and a mortar.  Someone had a cannon that shot bowling balls and since the boys brought along 4 balls they were able to shoot them as well.  That was a hoot.  They also shot a can of peas from the mortar.  Yep, a real can of peas!  It split open when it landed.  The hopes was that it would split at the intial blast and shower the 'pea' all over the audience, but that didn't happen.  Next year they'll try a thinner can, or maybe partially open it before launching it.  The girls got to launch a couple of potatoes from a catapault, that contraption was pretty cool!

We came prepared for the stinky sock issue.  I had 2 bags of new socks, and a container of footpowder.  Those kids had soooo much powder in their shoes that they let off a little poof of dust everytime their feet touched the ground.  But no more stinky socks this year!

It was a wonderful weekend, but the funniest thing happened on the way home on Monday afternoon.  My kids had gone behind the cannon range and dug up some old cannon balls.  These cannon balls aren't as big as they show on the movies.... big as bowling balls.... they are about the size of golf balls and tennis balls.  But they are very heavy.  The tennis ball sized cannon ball weighs 8 pounds, and is considered a prize find by my children.  My oldest daughter found 2 and her brother snatched one from her in the truck and wouldn't give it back.  He kept tossing it up and catching it, taunting her.  She sat there fussing... "Mom, make Art give me back my cannon ball!"  I was getting mad by now, its hard to drive a big pickup loaded down with 2 dirt bikes, an ATV, and tons of camping gear... making sure nothing fell (instructions to the kids... If you see a dirt bike bouncing down the road behind us without a rider, that is a BAD thing, and let me know so I can pull over!).   So I threaten to pull over right there and get their dad involved.  Right at that moment Art looked away and missed the cannon ball.  The 8 pound ball of lead dropped right into his lap.  His head went down and his knees went up as he howled.  And me, being the wonderful loving mother that I am, I got on the radio and said.... 'Hey Steve, guess what, Art just dropped an 8 pound cannon ball on his balls!'.  Poor Art was laughing and crying at the same time.  But he still wouldn't give his sister the cannon ball.  After that I think he deserved to keep it.

Our next campout will be the 3rd weekend in June.  I'll only be able to go up for the day since I work on Friday and Sunday... but thats okay.  Steve can take the kids, and I'll probably have more fun here in the peaceful house by myself.