Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Mantra (if you say something often enough you're bound to believe it eventually)

Ahhhhh-tumn lasted all of 5 minutes in Colorado. It is now winter. Winter for me has always been cold, crisp mornings when you can see your breath, sunlight reflecting off of diamond tipped snowflakes and a crackling fire in the fireplace at night as the family sits around reminiscing about winters past.

Although the mountains are capped in white, the snow has yet to stick down here in the foothills. The chimney remains clear, the hearth is cold and dark. Everything is different now. Everything has changed. The family is split in different directions as all growing families do but I fear that the bridges we cross are being burned behind us. Sometimes I ponder the classification of 'family' and wonder if we even qualify any more. Life has become a mosaic of technicalities.

I am, therefore I am.

I miss the sentimentalities of the past. I miss laughter that comes from the heart and reaches the eyes. I miss spontaneous hugs and holding hands. I miss the comfort that comes with naivety and the peace of innocence. I wonder where I went wrong. Did I zig when I should have zagged?

My daughter quoted me the other day... 'No regrets,' she said, mimicking my voice as she repeated my mantra.

No regrets. That thought has kept me from drowning in self pity many times during my 49 years on this earth. If I had zagged instead of zigging... where would I be today? What of my life now would I have achieved? What pain would I have avoiding, what joy would I have missed?

No regrets indeed. (thanks Baby)

It is a good motto, but now a new thought enters my mind. One day, when I look back upon these events, what will be my take-away, my silver lining? What positive thing will emerge from these past few months to make me believe without conviction that I have no regrets? Try as I might I cannot think of anything right now... I haven't a clue, but experience has proven that there is always something if one is willing to step back and look at the big picture so I shall keep my eyes and mind open to the possibilities.

I still miss the way we used to be... and but it was all just a part of the path we took which has led us to where we are today. What now?

I guess a nice fire in the fireplace is as good a place as any to start.


GrapevineTexan said...

My heart aches for you.
Go ahead and light that fire in the fireplace....burn up the "what ifs." We learn and grow from our experiences both happy and sad and mostly we come out the other side better somehow. You are resilient. Your wonderful children will lend you their strength and hopeful outlook. Eat chocolate.

Indigo said...

I think a fire in the fireplace is as good as any place to start. When it comes down to it hon, it's what you find inside that gives way to the 'no regrets'. Strength, Courage, Life they all begin with you. (Hugs)Indigo

Dawn said...

My heart aches for you too, because I know that this is NOT where you ever expected to be.

I do believe that in the future, you will end up in a wonderfully happy good place with new love in your life and THEN you will be able to breathe 'no regrets' and mean it. Besides... you can't regret this as you didn't choose it. It was foisted upon you. Love and hope and kisses to you....

Humming228 said...

My heart aches for you too, but who are you? I don't recognize this person......I am accustomed(sp?) to dog-eating-poop stories,no toilet paper in the BR stories, etc. Seriously, something good will come to you. It just does for those who really need and deserve it, and you do, sweetie. Just keep your heart and eyes open. Huggies to you.

Traci said...

Hope you took the time for the fire. You never know what it may spark. Sorry couldn't stop that one! I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

Michelle said...

Change is always hard.... Think of it as a new journey, a new road not taken that's meant to be explored.

You and your family will be ok, I'm betting that in time those ties to your family will become even stronger. Smart daughter listening to her Mom.... "no regrets".

Light that fire, have a glass of wine, breathe and believe that all will be ok. It will.