Today I got on the scale and weighed myself. No, I'm not going to tell you how much I weigh. I could but then I would have to kill you, and being as I leave for California in a day and a half I wouldn't have time to kill you all... so lets just not got there, okay?
Soooo, anyhow, I'm on the scale and I don't like the weight it registers. I call it 'liar', and other 4-letter names, but the needle remains on the same number. Annoyed, I get off the scale and strip. I loose 2 pounds instantly and am happy. Naked, I make the adjustment on my weight log I keep on the vanity cupboard door, written with my eyeliner pencil. Suddenly my stomach rumbles. Ah, the daily constitutional! I sit on my throne and contemplate the day's events. When I am done I wipe and flush... (unlike the other members of my family I do not suffer from latrinaphobia). Then, just for a refresher I step back on the scale. Holy mackeral, I lost another 3 pounds!
So, here is the secret to Dorn's Miracle Weight Loss Program. Its very important that you follow ALL of these steps. Get naked, drop a healthy turd and empty your bladder before weighing yourself! You'll be amazed by the results!