Monday, January 31, 2005

ANOTHER FUNERAL... and Fat Mayo!

There was an untimely death in the family.  Actually the deceased was a fish, and to hear Becca tell it... it was a murder!  Her male guppy was found floating in the tank after school will all of its fins and tail completely nibbled off.  The interrogation continues even as I type this.  The guppy has been replaced with another fan-tailed male, but he and his new bride have a home of their own, Becca set the small tank up to risk any future canabalism.  For the new guppy's sake I hope the female isn't a 'black widow'.

While at the store to finalize the adoption of the newest addition to our little aqua-community we also bought sandwich fixings.  (Becca was not amused when she inquired what was for dinner and Art replied 'fish' with a wicked grin).  We were already at the register when I realized that I had forgotten to pick up some mayo, so I sent Becca to grab a jar.  'MAYO! Not that Miracle Sh*t...' I specified.  When she returned with the mayo, I immediately noticed that it was Fat Free.  'What are you trying to say?' I asked suspiciously.  I grudgingly paid for the fat-free mayo to save time, but you can bet when I got home I scrounged around like an addict until I found some 'fat' mayo, and scrapped the sides of the jar for my fix!

Day 1 of my 3-day use or lose vacation is almost over.  I slept all morning, and played all afternoon.  Tomorrow I suppose I should try to do some housework... I wonder if there is a Dummy's Guide To Housework that I can download.  I think that will be my first plan of action for the morning... go online and research the art of 'housework'.  Yeah, thats definitely a plan worth having!


I've gotten lots of letters from my son Gabe, letters that make me proud to be able to call him 'son', letters that make me just want to run out there and protect him, and then there are letters like today that just leave me in stitches.  Here is part of that letter:


27 Jan 05

Right now I've got this God awful cough that I've had for a little over a week now and its just been getting worse and worse.  I went to sick-call the other day for it and the stupid.."I Know What I'm Talking About" specialist dip sh** prescribed me SINUS medicine!...So anyway it got progressively worse, to the point where theres blood every once in a while (but I think thats just my throat).  I'm up all night or waking up every 15 min. having a cough attack.  I AM SO TIRED!  I fell in formation cuz I fell asleep standing up!  So tomorrow when I go back to sick-call I'm going to kick the specialist square in his nuts, and then I'll prescribe him some Sudo Gest Sinus stuff and ask him if that helps! 

...And on top of that I completely lost my voice.  Its been gone for a couple days now.  Its funny cus when ever we go to chow the person in front of me has to yell out 'Regular Army 6856 Mamame!" for me cos I can't say anything.  Oh, and I think I screwed my right eye up really good this time cuz during our Night Land Nav my eyeball got whacked pretty good with a branch and now everything is double and blurry.  So I'm going to get that checked out tomorrow.  But good ol Nav, just keep on trucking.  When ever Failure and Defeat step in my path and try to bring me down, I just take my Sudo Gest sinus sh**, spit it back in their face, kick them down and get on my way with a smile on my face, coughing my left lung out!
Love, your son, your brother

Saturday, January 29, 2005


I wish the very best to the Iraqi people in their first election as a free nation.  May they find the peace and freedom they so deserve.  I pray for their safety, and for the safe return of all our brave service men and women who are there to support their new government and way of life.  May God bless Iraq as God has blessed America!


The kids each got 2 fish a piece.  The only catch, the fish had to be the same kind.  Becca got 2 guppies, a male fan-tail and a female.  Zack got 2 bleeding heart tetras.  Art got a couple Kribensises and Rocky chose some Head and Tail Light Tetras.  The guppies were obviously a breeding pair, the others we weren't sure of.  Art went to the computer and was able to pull up some information on the other fish.  The bleeding hearts don't breed well in captivity so we didn't bother with them.  Art was able to distinguish almost immediately a male and a female Kribensis... he also had a breeding pair. 

Rocky had little to go by except that the male Head and Tail Light tetra is thinner than the female.  She became frustrated and moody because she could not name her fish without knowing whether they were male or female.  I suggested uni-sex names, but she dismissed that idea, nope, it had to be a male or female name, and changing the name later if necessary was NOT an option.  Gracious, these critters don't even know we're talking to them let alone care what we call them!  Frustrated I told her that I had NO IDEA how to tell the difference... Desparate, I even stared at the fishtank, peering between their fins like some kind of kinky peeping tom, trying to get a hint of their sex, but heck, I can't tell the difference between a male fish's 'thing' and a female's 'thing'.

Determined to get this settled I finally found a site that was able to give a little more detail besides that 'the female is fatter than the male'.  This one said that the abdomin of the female was more rounded and that when pregnant you could see the eggs through the translucent skin.  Well guess what... Rocky has a male and a female... and the female may even be pregnant.  Its either that or the fish has to take a major dump!

That got me to thinking though... maybe I am plump and more rounded than the average male of my species because the human females are supposed to be 'rounder' than the males.  It's either that or I have to take a major dump!


Did I ever tell you about Bob and Henry?  No?  Well your luck just wore out.  Bob and Henry are our fish... or were our fish.  Actually Henry still IS our fish... Bob (why do kids always name their fish Bob?) passed on yesterday.  We were expecting it.  He had been swimming upside down for a few days.  Rocky was convinced that he was okay, that he had just decided to start swimming upside down for a change.  Yesterday morning he decided to lay motionless on his side on the bottom of the little fish tank.  Of course every parent knows that the only way to fish heaven is via the sewer line so I flushed Bob after a moment of silence.  Rocky was very upset when she returned home and learned that I had disposed of the fish before she could say her final good-byes.  Then, as if I hadn't done enough harm already, my bladder decided that it needed relieving.  I had no idea that there was a mourning period following the death of a fish.  The look of horror and disbelief on poor little Rocky's face when I opened the bathroom door after using the 'flush-atorium ' to relieve myself not five minutes after telling her that Bob had recieved at 'burial at sea' is not one I will soon forget! 

Soooo, feeling guilty I took all the kids down to the pet store to buy some new fish to go into our new tank.  If you have never driven a car full of teens and pre-teens, count yourself lucky.  I was immediately overruled by the majority as far as the music selection went.  In went Art's cd.  Funny how singing groups now days have names that are either deliberately mispelled or is comprised of numbers.  This one was 81 something.  Art insisted that it was patriotic.  How could he tell, all these guys did was shout!  They didn't sing, I don't even know if they were using words, if so it probably wasn't English!  I protested and Becca immediately accused me of being a 'hater'.  She then proclaimed that she was a 'hater-hater!'.  Indeed!  I pulled the car over to the side of the road and told her 'If you hate me so much, get out and walk!'  She immediately apologized and I pulled back onto the street.  'You're a 'hater-hater-hater!' she accused.  I let her have the last word, its a skill she will need for when she gets married (soon, I hope!)

Now we have tank full of beautiful tropical fish.  And Henry, the goldfish is King of the Castle.  If any of the new, smaller fish were to challenge him he would just eat them, no problem.  All of the fish will have names by dinner I'm sure, and I'll bet that one will almost surely be called 'Bob'. 

Friday, January 28, 2005

CABELAS, my favorite store that I've never been to!

My husband went to Cabelas
nd all he bought for me was...
Bear Poo, Elk Doo
And Deer Doodles!


Here's my Weekend Assignment #45: Karaoke Time :  My daughter received a Karaoke Machine for Christmas this year and I've gone nuts buying Karaoke CD's.  I've been practicing in the car with 'Its Five O'clock Somewhere' because that song is sooooo ME!  I mean, if ever there was a song written that describes me, thats the one! One day I'll be a big star and all of you folks here in J-land will come to hear me sing and you'll think...'Hey, I knew her when she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket!'.

Extra Credit: The worst Karaoke performance I have ever witnessed:  that would have to have been my husband at our Luau/New Year's Party in 1997.  We had a bunch of friends over and we busted out the old Karaoke machine and sang in the New Year.  When the party broke up after 1am, my husband was passed out at the table with the microphone in his hand.  When I tried to wake him up to go to bed, he sat up and started to sing, then passed out again.  I tried to wake him up 2 more times with the same ear shattering results.  I finally got smart and unplugged the machine.  I ended up leaving him there at the table, snoring into the microphone.  Come to think of it, that was our LAST Karaoke party at the house.  He hasn't initiated the new machine yet.  Thats MY job! 

Thursday, January 27, 2005


They call me 'lazy'.  I say I'm just 'being energy efficient'.

They call me 'fat', I prefer 'curvacious'...

They call me 'old', but in fact I am 'experienced'.

They say I'm 'forgetful', but I'm merely 'inspiring' them to think for themselves.  I could tell them the answers, but they would lose out on the first hand experience! 

They call it 'gluttony', I call it 'storing for the winter'.

They say I 'gamble', I call it 'high risk investments'.

They say I have 'vices', I like to think of it as being 'addicted to happiness'.

They criticize my 'consistent tardies and absentee-ism', when in reality they should thank me for my 'payroll conservation'.

They score me negatively for 'delinquent payments', when in fact my late fees are 'guaranteed profit'.

They call me 'rude', I think I'm just 'honest' (and sometimes the truth hurts, baby!)

They call it 'speeding', I call it 'a sence of urgency'.

They call it 'lack of willpower', I call it 'letting nature take its course'.

From my point of view folks, I'm reallyquite the model citizen.  No need to change my ways to better myself, I'm already PERFECT!

Wednesday, January 26, 2005


My favorites list is 526 items long.  I didn't add them all, some of them were automatically added by AOL, but I'm afraid to delete them because the last time I deleted something that AOL had loaded for me... I crashed my computer.  The Frankenputer is still out of commission, I cannot get it online.  About 70 of my favorites are journals, 20 of which are either deleted or inactive, I hate to delete them from my favorites, I am still hoping that one day they will be resurrected. Several have been made private and I have not been given the security clearance to access those sites.  Also on that list are several email accounts that I no longer have passwords to access.  At least I think thats why they are there.  I keep asking the sites to resend my password, but AOL's spam filters keep intercepting the emails and I have never received these top-secret emails. 

I have the kids' school websites, the local online newspaper, the cinema guide, several blackpower sites, recipe sites, and a gazillion graphic sites.  I collect them like a pack rat, I'm just glad they all compress into neat little one-line hyperlinks on my favorites list.  It makes me feel.... organized!

Most important on the list are the links to my family, my siblings and parents in Hawaii, and my sister in the South, all of whom would never know I was still alive if it weren't for the internet.  (Hi Mom, Hi Dad!  Thanks for the letters guys!)

Ah yes, who needs the phone or the mailman when there is the internet?  For that matter who needs to talk, lets just write!  No need to get dressed for that matter... do it naked!  You don't even have to brush your teeth if you don't want to... nobody will notice except maybe the Papa John's delivery man when he brings you the Gourmet Garlic Chicken pizza you ordered online.  This is the good life, and it can all be found on the right hand side of my AOL desktop between Jalepeno Jeans and the Acme Label Maker!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


My son did my dishes last week.  He tossed them into the automatic dishwasher, added a soap packet and turned it on.  He didn't rinse first.  When the load was finished the dishes were caked with clean, dried on food.  As we took the dishes from the dishwasher we had to chip off the residue.  'Rinse first!',  I told him.  Did he listen?  No!  He washed another load of leftovers that decorated my Corelle dinnerware.  My elegant mason jar glasses actually came out dirtier than they went in!   Later, my husband decided to help... he looks into the dishwasher, saw it half loaded and asked if they were clean or dirty.  Disgusted by the food particles my kids shouted 'Dirty'... even though the dishes had already run through the cycle once.  Steve filled up the dishwasher, added a soap packet and turned it on.  Did he rinse?  No he did not.  The dishes from the earlier load were now caked with even cleaner food particles.

So what is the point of this story...  Is it not to let the guys do the dishes?  No!  I love when they help out in the residential badlands that is sometimes called 'the kitchen'.  The point is: why have a stinking dishwasher if you have to wash the stinking dishes before you put them into the dishwasher in order for them to come out of the dishwasher clean?  I think its time to get a new dishwasher, one that comes with scrubbing bubbles and a garbage disposal.  Is that too much to ask for Whirlpool?  I want a dishwasher that actually cleans the dirty dishes!  (What a concept!) Either that or change the name because 'dishwasher' is really misleading. 

Users GuideCongratulations on your purchase of the new Sudsomatic Ultra Turbo Charged Automatic Clean Dishwasher!  Please note... this dishwasher is for the washing of clean dishes only .  It is not intended to clean dirty dishes.  Please ensure that all dishes are washed thoroughly in the sink and completely free of food particles BEFORE placing in dishwasher.  Instances when dirty dishes become clean while in the automatic dishwasher cycle are purely coincidental and should not be accepted as typical results.

I love the Dixie Dinnerware Collection!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL... right after the Toilet Bowl!


            (thats 39 just in case you didn't know...)

Sunday, February 6th, 2005.  And I will be there!  Well, not actually THERE... I will be here... at home, not at work... YEHAW!  I'm goint to root for the Patriots, only because I rooted for them last year and have a penant for them.  Besides, they have a cool helmet... even if it does kind of resemble John Kerry's profile in a creepy, dead guy kind of way.

I had nachos today, with jalepenos.  One day I'll remember BEFORE I order them that my intestines don't like nachos with jalepenos.  I never remember until later... in the bathroom.  Funny, I don't remember them smelling that bad when I ate them... I don't remember them being that hot either! 

Do you know what else I didn't remember?  I didn't remember to grab a new roll of toilet paper for my bathroom!  Somedays were just not meant to be spent awake.  This is one of those days!

Thanks dklars for pointing out the mistake... sorry, I had 'other things' on my mind at the time.

Friday, January 21, 2005



(Click on the Chicken Fat button to hear the song)
How many of you remember this morning grade school ritual?  It wasn't until I moved to Hawaii in '71 that I was subjected to this nationally approved form of mass humiliation.  Every school morning, immediately following the Pledge (yes, were allowed to say it back then, and even said 'Under God') we would gather outside on the basketball court and do this perfectly choreographed routine, and we HATED it!  We didn't dare complain though, because afterwards the complainers would have to lay down on their backs and do the 'dying cockroach' while the rest of the school filed past on their way back into the building.  For those of you lucky enough never to have been exposed to the 'dying cockroach', its 10x worse than doing Chicken Fat... you have to lay on your back with your arms and legs in the air and kick and flail like a roach until the teacher deems you have been learned to appreciate the life long benefits gained from having to do a calisthenics routine every morning.  I'm telling you, it was like a Board of Education sanctioned boot camp!  And those teachers never participated with us, they just walked around with their hands clasped behind their backs, smirking like prison wardens... cos they knew if we made any comments about their Chicken Fat butts, we'd be down on our backs again, doing the dying cockroach... again!


Who ever said 'coffee is coffee, it all tastes the same', should be shot!  I was trying to budget earlier in the week... and the only way I could afford my Cherry Cordial Cocoa, which I just had to have... was to buy a generic vacuum packed foil bag of coffee.  Since 'all coffee tastes the same' I thought, why not?  The money saved would pay for the cocoa, so it would be like getting my cocoa for FREE!

I should have suspected as soon as I cut the foil wrapper and was not greeted by the fragrant aroma of coffee.  Undaunted I dumped the package into the empty Folger's container, and then made a pot.  When Folgers is ready I can almost see the little aroma trail with the beckoning finger that leads me back to the awaiting pot.  I had to sniff to catch a vague scent this morning... it didn't come and find me.  No biggie, I still wasn't concerned.

My concern began when I poured the creamer into my mug and then topped it off with the coffee.  Normally I have a nice creamy tan color, in fact I tell the kids the way to make the perfect cup of coffee is to add creamer until the coffee is the same color as my skin tone.  Today the coffee turned was a dark caramel color.  I am not caramel colored.   I added more creamer, but the color remained the same.  Now I was worried.  And for good reason too, this had to be one of the nastiest cups of coffee I have ever had!  In fact, I don't think this stuff even qualifies as 'coffee'.  It tasted like butt-crack (not that I've ever actually tasted butt-crack before).  I think I am going to do something I've never done before... I'm going to throw away the coffee... not just the cup of coffee, not just the pot, but the whole darn package! 

Not all coffee is created equal.  The best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup (not this gross Great Value counterfeit).  I need some real coffee!  I need coffee that will grow hair on my chest (nothing like a hairy chested woman!)  This is all my own fault, it wouldn't have happened if I didn't just have to have that stupid Cherry Cordial Cocoa (which wasn't as good as it sounded for that matter!)  Sometimes it really sucks to be me, right now, at this very second... it sucks! 

Thursday, January 20, 2005


~  I love coffee... especially with hazelnut creamer.

~  I only wear shoes when I leave the house.  In the winter I leave bare footprints in the snow going out to the mailbox... people think the Abominable snowman lives here.  Ironically my lastname translates to 'snowfoot'.

~  I am allergic to only 3 things... ampicillin (antibiotic) dry cold, and alcohol.  I live in Colorado and love my rum and coke.  I itch a lot!

~  I have a guitar.  I don't play it, I play with it.  It has 12 strings, only 1 is tuned.  I don't know which one it is.

~  I am a hunter, I eat what I kill.  I am not ashamed of that fact.  Its better than eatting my meat while it is still alive.

~  I am a fast typist.  I am a lousy speller.  I type words wrong... very quickly.  I love my spell check.  My spell check hates me.  Half the time it can't even guess what I'm trying to spell and it just sits there with a blank screen.  'Please check your spelling!' it says... hey, if I knew how to spell I wouldn't be needing you.... dummy!

~  I was 29 before I got my driver's license.  I was 8 months pregnant.  I'm sure I failed the test, but my testor didn't want to go through the test with me again so she passed me.

~  I want to be cremated.  The thought of rotting in the ground gives me nightmares... or even worse... being dug up hundreds of years in the future and displayed as a archeological find.

~  I love to cook and experiment with new dishes all the time.  I will NEVER be able to make my 2 favorite foods in the whole wide world... bananas and oranges!  I could eat them 24/7.

~  My two favorite TV shows are Bill O'Riley's No Spin Zone... and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  Don't really watch anything else except for the news. 

~  I love all types of music, country, classic rock, Hawaiian, Native, R&B, even some Rap and Alternative... but my favorite piece is Pachelbel's Canon.

~  I am totally creeped out by spiders and worms... no other bugs... just THEM!  I don't mind daddy longlegs or jumping spiders and will hold them, and earthworms are cool too, but anything else just gives me the heebie jeebies.

~  I cry during most movies.  I cried while watchingLilo and Stitch (it was sooo sad when they took little Lilo away from her sister...).  I embarrassed my family when we saw Black Hawk Down and We were Soldiers at the theater... People around us were saying 'will someone please take the baby out!'

~  I love the feel of mud between my toes.

~  I love pistachio nuts, but not the red ones... they always give me away when someone is trying to figure out who ate all their nuts.

~  I have accomplished most of my goals in life.  I still want to look down at the earth from something higher than an airplane.  Heaven would be nice.  It sucks that I'm afraid of heights.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


I was writing a comment earlier and needed to look up the name for a specific phobia so I did a search on phobias and found a list that has all of the common, and some not so well known phobias.  There were approximately 540 different phobias!  Some phobias are serious and people have real issues with them, but there are some that just boggle the mind.  Here's a few that I didn't know about.

Aulophobia: the fear of flutes... (okay, I have to say that I dreaded when my son first started playing the flute, but fear it?  Not really...)
Alliumphobia:  fear of garlic (something all vampires suffer from).
Amathophobia:  fear of dust (nope, not me!)
Ballistophobia:  fear of missiles or bullets (sounds like a good phobia to have).
Coprophobia:  fear of feces  (someone is actually afraid of feces... why?  And how the heck do they clean themselves?)
Dextrophobia:  fear of objects at the right side of the body, and levophobia:  fear of things to the left side of the body (I hope nobody has both of these phobias at the same time)
Genophobia:  fear of sex (they just don't know what they're missing!)
Genuphobia:  fear of knees.  (Okay, I can understand gymnophobia, the fear of nudity... but there is also a phobia for just about every part of the body... chins, hands, noses... how can you be afraid of your own body... thats just crazy!)
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia:  fear of long words (I'm not kidding, thats what it is called!)
Hypengyophobia:  fear of responsibility (I think I know a few people with that)
Logizomechanophobia:  fear of computers (now thats just sad!)
Papyrophobia:  fear of paper (I don't get it... how can you be afraid of paper?)
Phobophobia:  fear of phobias (of course)
Phronemonphobia:  fear of thinking (I definitely know some of those!)
Proctophobia:  fear of rectums (I don't fear rectums, I just hate having to deal with them all the time)
Sitophobia:  fear of food or eating (definitely not a problem here!)

For the complete  list of phobias, go here:  The Phobia List
To find the name of a particular phobia, go here:  The Indexed Phobia List

Monday, January 17, 2005


I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.
(Delivered on the steps at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. on August 28, 1963.)

I hope everyone enjoyed the day off, but remembered the message of a very great American.


Getting dressed this morning was tramatic.  The Dirty Laundry Fairy obviously helped herself to an unauthorized 4 day weekend in celebration of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I had no clean clothes to change into.  I dug up a pair of Wranglers from a basket filled with discards.  This particular pair of jeans had been discarded because a small hole was torn into the seat of it.  No time to patch it, but I was able to think up a quick remedy.  The jeans were black, the hole was in the seat of the jeans... I just changed into a pair of black panties, and the hole was instantly camoflauged.  Dang, sometimes my brilliance scares me!

Unfortunately the jeans were flawed in another way.  The zipper sides were placed too far apart.  In the past I would have thought that the jeans were too small, but my youngest daughter corrected my way of thinking... the jeans are fine, the zipper was just put on too far apart!  So, knowing that aside from the defective zipper and the hidden hole, I had a perfectly good pair of jeans... I forced the zipper together and pulled it up.  I was eventually able to secure the zipper, but now I look like some alien with 2 sets of boobs, one pair right at chest level, and another set just above my waistline.  I'll just have to wear a baggy shirt today, and hope I don't get perky in the wrong places.  And I hope I can hold my breath all day because the button was placed too far from the button hole and I don't know how long it will hold under the current stress conditions!

Sunday, January 16, 2005


y children are all musically inclined.  We have 4 guitars in the house.  Rocky has a little acoustic guitar that she got for Christmas two years ago.  This year Art inherited an electric guitar tuner for his electric guitar and his little sister has been trying to learn how to use it.  Yesterday she brought the tuner to me and asked what it meant if the little arrow pointed to the center of the scale.  Well, the tuner was set to E so when the tuner's hand swung to the middle it indicated that the key of E had been reached.  'Cool',  she said with a grin... 'Hold this right like this... I want to show you something!'  She gave me the tuner, then turned around... and farted!  Stunned, I stared at her then looked down... the arrow swung to the center... and Rocky grinned happily.  "I can fart in the key of E!" she giggled!  She proved the validity of that little poem... Beans, beans, the musical fruit... the more you eat, the more you toot!  I think I now know how my mother felt raising me.

Saturday, January 15, 2005


I gave myself a pedicure.  I cannot have a professional pedicure done, I am too ticklish.  And besides, my feet stink.  I would not want to be a professional pedicurist, touching toejam feet all day, buffing fungi toenails.  Now I'm not saying I have foot fungus, but I do know that even when I wash my feet before I clip my toenails... ewwww, the funk that is under my toenails just curls my nose!  And I don't know why, cos I know it smells bad... but I always have to sniff my fingers after I clip my toenails.   I guess its like when a dog sniffs another dog's hiney, it knows its gonna be bad, but it just HAS to sniff it... don't know why, its just instinct... in-stink!  Hahahaha!  Anyhow, after I trimmed my toenails and sniffed my fingertips, I put my feet on my husband's new heated foot massager.  Oh my goodness, after a few minutes on that thing my feet were like jello.  Let me tell you, if my feet had lips, they'd be smiling right now!  (And if they had nostrils I wouldn't have to bend over to sniff my toenails!)

Friday, January 14, 2005


Do you know what this is a picture of?  Its mouse turds!  Not Mickey Mouse turds, but computer mouse turds.  I clean my mouse out every couple of months or so... I open the bottom, pull out the ball (my mouse only has one ball, poor little thing, no wonder he always pulls to the left).  And I have to scrape off those little roller thingies that help the ball go 'round, and this is what I pull out, every time!  I don't get it... its not like I have crud all over my mouse pad or anything.  So where does this junk come from?  I'm afraid if I look hard enough I might see it move!  It can't be healthy!  Anyhow... if you don't clean your mouse's ball, do it.  Be careful, you don't want to damage anything, just flip your mouse upsidedown, unscrew the ball-holder and the ball should just drop out.  Gently clean the rollers with a cotton swab moistened with... alcohol?  Actually I drink the alcohol and scrape the rollers with my fingernail to remove the crusty scuzz... but thats just me.  Its not unusual for your computer screen to react irradically at this point, after all, the mouse's ball is a very sensitive area.  Just keep a firm grip on the mouse and work carefully.  Return the ball to its little hole, replace the cover and secure, and you're back in business!  What ever you do... under no circumstances should you give in to the temptation to sniff the scuzz-particles... unless you don't mind having a nose full of mouse turds of unknown biological origins!  (Did you ever read Stephen King's Dream Catcher?)  Anyhow, thats how to keep your mouse's ball clean and your computer happy!

Thursday, January 13, 2005


I've never been one to give much mind to fortunes and horoscopes, but Dickidoo came home with a neat little trick that has added new enjoyment to the little slips of paper that are tucked away inside a fortune cookie.   After you read your fortune, add the words 'in bed' to the prophecy.  Rocky and I had a sick day today and ordered Chinese for lunch.  My fortune read:  'You have a potential urge and the ablility for accomplishment... in bed ! '.  Now even generic, one size fits all horoscopes have new meaning. This is my AOL Horoscope for today.

Typically, you know when to quit in bed, for even though you can be quite logical, you’re not one to go down fighting a losing battle in bed. This time, however, you may not want to let go in bed. You have a glimmer of hope and you really believe the sky is going to open and everything will work out perfectly in bed. Well, it may not be perfect, but you can still surprise them all with your original tactics in bed.

Well, I don't know that things will be quite that exciting tonight... in bed.  Aunt Flo is still visiting and goodness knows I wouldn't want to knock her loose... in bed!  We may have to take a raincheck on this... in bed.  Hahahahaha!  Oh Lordy, that was bad!  Bad Bad Dorn... you ain't never gonna make the Editor's pick this way!  Hey... is there an Editor's Black List?  Maybe I can make it on there!  Ah ha!  There may still be hope for fame and notoriety for me yet in the halls of J-Land!


Once upon a time, in sheer deperation for a unique screen name, I typed in the words 'Purple Hippo Snot'.  AOL rejected my choice, stating "That Screenname Is Already Being Used".  Impossible!  Who would use the name 'Purple Hippo Snot'?  I didn't even want it... but I was running out of choices.  After the 100th rejection, I typed the name printed on my beer stein/coffee mug and 'Dornbrau' was born.  Today, for a complete lack of anything better to do, I typed the words 'purple hippo snot' in the search bar and came up with Kozo, the Dancing Sumo Hippo, performing the Thong Song.  And I was truely amazed!  Who would have guessed!  Kozo even has a new movie out, check out the Vending Machine.  Both of these are flash clips, so click on them to watch.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005


This is a good example of why you should not go shopping when you are not feeling well.  I went to the store to get Rocky something to comfort her upset stomach... with mine not feeling all that great either... and I came home with all kinds of junk... like berries and cream!  If I wasn't sick before, I will be after I eat all that stuff!  Okay, with the exception of the whipped cream it is actually healthy stuff... but oh my gosh, I saw the bright raspberries and plump blackberries... and the strawberries just screamed out to me when I passed by them... they all smelled soooooo good, I couldn't help myself.  I was already weak from all the medicine I've been popping... wait...  I didn't take any medicine today... okay, so I was weak because I didn't take my medicine.. and I just had to have them!  And have them I did!  Now I'm all fat and fed... phew!  I haven't been hit with cravings like that in years.... well, Rocky is 10... so its been about 11 years!  And NO!  Before anyone speculates, I am not pregnant... my 'dustbunny' didn't die... I am not breeding again.  I got Dickidoo neutered right after Rocky was born so there will be no more little Dickidoos or Mini-Me's popping out of this baby factory, nope, I'm out to pasture folks.  Just gonna sit around and wait for the grandbabies to start arriving.  In the mean time... I just might have to have another berry parfait.... Mmmm mmmm good!


Farts should be visable, so you can see them before you walk into a vapor cloud from one.  And they should be color coded so you know the bad ones from the really choke-you-so-you-can't-breath bad. 

'Tornado watch doesn't mean that you should go outside and watch for a tonado, it means get inside to safety idiots!...' That was my conscience speaking.  I never listen to her anymore.  She's the one who told me that getting married and having kids was a good idea.  She also told me that buying a 5 bedroom house was the answer to our messy, cramped lifestyle.  Now we have a messy lifestyle that fills a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, splitlevel house.

Little Rocky has been following me around the house with an Avon book.  She wants the eyebrow groomer/trimmer because she says she's getting a unibrow.  Of course I say no, 9 is too young to be worrying about unibrows!  To cheer herself up she asks for some coffee.  No, I say, coffee causes unibrows! 

*  I need to go to the store and buy something for dinner, but I figure if I stall, my money will last a little longer.  Thats about as close to a savings plan as I get.

One day little Rocky looked at my husband and made an observation.  'Daddy, your boobies are bigger than mommy's'.

I spend $300+ every two weeks on groceries, thats over $600 a month!  And you know what happens to those groceries after you prepare and eat them right?  They turn into .... oh what the heck... POOP!  I literally spend more than $600 a month on POOP!

Last night, while I was being assaulted by Arts Farts I realized why the good Lord, with his infinite wisdom and whacky sence of humor had invented farts.  It was out of pity for us humans so we wouldn't have to burp and taste something that nasty from our mouth!  I've always referred to farts as 'butt burps', now it all makes perfect sence!  The kids thought I was saying my bedtime prayer.  What I was saying in fact was "Dear Lord, thank you for not giving farts a taste... AMEN!"

Rocky was trying on her new school clothes and came out in some really stylish blue jeans that cost more than what I would ever dream of spending on a pair of my own...  and asked me to help her close the zipper.
'Hmmmmm, ' I say, '
Maybe we should have gotten the next size up.'
Oh no, it fits great,' she says, '
They just made it wrong.... they put the zipper too far apart!'

9 more hours until school starts.  I have organized a district wide celebration that kicks off at 8am tomorrow morning.  Members of the PASV (Parents Against Summer Vacation) will kick their children out of the house with a sack lunch and then gather in the streets to celebrate the start of the new school year.  Teachers across the district will hold a moment of silence to mourn the end of their vacation. 

I collect money.  Not foreign money, not mint condition coins, not the Philharmonic Gold Piece from Monex.  Not even the state quarters.  I collect... other peoples money.

Have you ever played Ker-Plunk.... in the kitchen?  Its like Jenga.... with dirty dishes.  The trick is to extract that utensil or dish without toppling the rest of the stack onto the floor.  The loser cleans up the mess and has to wash the rest of the dishes.

I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle.  I eat faster so that I spend less time eatting, I actually watch WHAT I eat instead of watching TV while I eat,  I watch more sports, and I drink 6.0 beer so I don't have to drink as much to get a buzz.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

HOMELAND SECURITY... begins at home!

I don't normally suffer from PMS, but with my pre-menopaus issues and this dang head cold my system is just going beserk.  And so am I!  Yesterday all it took was one dose of a non-drowsy cold and flu medicine to send me flying like a kite and off the deep end.  It made me wonder why the military didn't assemble a secret army of menopausal women suffering from PMS and a winter headcold to help rid the world of terrorists, because I'll tell you what... yesterday, if someone had given me a weapon and told me to 'get the bad guy', there would be no further need for homeland security!  A simple problem of missing keys turned into a mercenary mission to root out the sabator, my drugged mind could not comprehend why anyone would kidnap my keys.  But those little keys unlock various topsecret doors, they start the ignition to my vehicle, they are instumental in my transportation and therefore are vital in the running of my little world.  Their kidnapping was a well planned and executed attempt to disable and overthrow my whole life!  Dickidoo quitely ignored me and pretended to be interested in the commercials on the TV.  It was 10:30... the young rebels were all in bed.  I almost woke them up for interrogation, but decided that certain elements of the Geneva Convention might be at risk so I made an executive decision to wait until daybreak. 

With the morning came new problems.  My supplies had been cut off... My monthly mission, code named Aunt Flo, had to be dealt with but I was completely out of Tampons!  Undeterred,  I perched my broken glasses on my nose and began the interrogation with the rebels.  The older female was probably the leader so I started with her.  Naturally she denied any knowledge of the keys, but I knew better.  I would have to make her talk!  She became worried and began to talk.  "I don't know!" and "Not Me!"  she blurted when asked who took the keys.  Success!  I have names, I just need to find Mr. I Don't Know, and Miss Not Me.  I've have problems with them before, but this time I'm PMS'ing and I'm Pre-Menopausal... there will be no escape.

Before I could continue my investigation I heard a weird beep, coming from the pile of gear stowednext to the DVD shelf.  I went over to investigate the sound. One of the rebels had dropped their walkie talkie there last night and had forgotten to turn it off... it beeped a warning now to alert that the batteries were running low.  I picked up the communications device, and as I straightened up my eyes caught the sight of a d-ring... one identical to the one I have my keys attached to.  I stuck my hand inside the rebel bag and my fingers closed around... MY KEYS!  Ha!  SUCCESS! 

The rebels got away this time, but I have my keys.  All is well.  But I will continue to fight for law and order in my little paradise called 'Home', sometimes with the aid of my old friend 'Aunt Flo', and my new menopausal superpowers!  Back at base camp the coffee welcomed me.  Ahhhh, life is good. 

Dang... I'm still out of tampons!

Monday, January 10, 2005


Another year, another season, another Super Bowl dream fades into the sunset for the Denver Broncos.  But they shall return in the fall with future dreams of greatness.  And I shall be there to cheer them on all the way to Super Bowl XXXX

With all the 'Bowl' games in the works, the NFL follows their run to the Championship with a Best of the Best 'Pro-Bowl'.  I think there should also be a 'Worst of the Worst' game called the 'Toilet Bowl'.  And Randy Moss of the Minnesota Vikings has certainly earned a spot on the starting line up for his 'simulated moon'.  He definitely gets the 'Bad Form' award.

Saturday, January 8, 2005


Rocky's school choir performed at the 10th Annual Great Fruitcake Toss in Manitou Springs this morning.  After the kids sang 'The Everlasting Fruitcake' the contest began.  The first part of the competition was hand tossed fruitcakes.  Most of the hardy delicasies were tossed again and again and again without any sign of wear and tear.  Rocky managed to toss her fruitcake approximately 50 feet before the weight of the fossilized fruit succumbed to gravity.

Later the heavy artillery was brought out, catapults, slings... and yes, even a giant sling shot!  We brought our own launcher but were disqualified on the grounds that explosives were permitted... Agh!  Every party needs a pooper I suppose!  I wanted to enter the 'Human Fruitcake Toss', but Dickidoo was a bit too heavy for me to lift.  Okay, there really wasn't a 'human fruitcake' category, but there should be!


My kids love mangoes.  Thats great, except for the fact that mangoes sell anywhere from $1.00 to $3.00 a piece in the state of Colorado.  It cost me almost $6.00 to buy mangoes for the family today.  Its my fault I suppose.  I buy them when ever I can afford them.  I grew up with an unlimited, year-round supply of Hayden mangoes.  I didn't know at the time that I loved them... I just ate them all the time.  Its like bread.  You don't think of it as a favorite food, yet you eat it all the time.  That was me with mangoes.  My children listen with envy as I talk about being able to go out to the back yard and pick a mango off the tree... or if our tree was barren at the time, I just had to go across the street to my Uncle's house where they had a unique tree that bore fruit all year round... half the tree would bloom at a time so there were always mangoes to be had.

3 bucks a piece... who would have guessed?  We used to have mango fights with the fallen fruit that would involve all the kids on our end of the street.  There would be rotten mango splashed all over the sidewalk and driveways, on cars and front doors.  Mynah birds would screech at us for picking their fruit, but we were actually making their job easier by smashing the fruits open.  And those suckers hurt if you got beamed at point blank range!  Talk about a sticky stinky mess, especially if you had long hair!  But they weren't as bad as strawberry guavas, which exploded on contact... or lichee fruit, which were covered with a hard, spiney peel that felt like a rock against bare skin.

I speak with a melancholy smile as I tell the stories of my childhood in the islands.  But then I come back to the present and shoot my own children a look that says... 'Don't even think about it!  Those stinkin' mangoes cost me $1.00 apiece!' 

Friday, January 7, 2005


Folks, I am truely miserable!  My sinuses are so full of snot that I think my face will explode... so don't stand to close to me... you won't want to be anywhere nearby when that happens!  I can't bend over, I can't lay down, I can't stand up... I can't sleep, I can't breath... I can't NOT breath... I feel just like one of those gold fish with the bulgy eyes and those bubbles all over their face... I wonder if they're just regular gold fish with bad sinus infections?  Gonna try my home remedy tonight... a few shots of tequila.  Steve has offered to administer his remedy, but it comes with serious side effects... pregnancy!  Thats okay... I'll stick with the tequila, cos the hangover only lasts a day.  I'm still suffering from all my pregnancies, I only just got rid of my first one and it took 20 years! 



It's only mid morning and I've already had 4 cups of coffee.  I haven't blinked in over an hour, however I have been to the bathroom about 3 times!  How is it that coffee goes in black but comes out yellow?  I know where the color goes, its just.... how does the body separate the color like that... cos thats just amazing!  And thats all I'm going to say about that!

Thursday, January 6, 2005


I walked around at work yesterday and people looked at me with odd smiles and said... "You look ... different..."  No, its not a new Wonder Bra that had given me a new youthful lift.  The weatherman predicted highs of 15 degrees.  As usual he was wrong... it never topped 10!  I was so perky it almost hurt!  Today they are predicting a heatwave of 30.  I'll wear a sweater just in case though... but one that accentuates my perkiness.

Tuesday, January 4, 2005

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS: according to Dorn

(I got this idea from John 'The Blogman' Scalzi... since I was sick on New Years Eve and we did not have the usual celebration where we announce our resolutions, I have decided to make resolutions for everyone.)

For Steve:  I resolve for him to be more sentimental and romantic on special occasions, like our Anniversary, Valentines, Mother's Day (yeah, yeah, I know I'm not your mother, we've had this discussion before.... but you can help the kids do something special) my Birthday and Christmas.  (I know you get me all kinds of neat stuff for no reason, but still, its nice to feel extra special on that extra special day... and I mean every year, not just Leap year, or when the moon is full or what ever calendar you are using.)

For my kids:  I resolve for them to help more around the house, not just when dad threatens to take away the games.  (Even if you just pick up after yourself, what a difference that makes!  And do your school work.  It may seem useless to you now, but that Diploma is soooo important later on in life and simple lessons learned now may help out when you least expect it.  Oh... and Rocky, could you please try to be a little less like me?  Thanks!)

For Bandie, the ferret:  I resolve for Bandie to learn to use the toilet.. and flush... so we don't have to smell her 'stuff' in the cage all the time, thats just nasty!  And stop with the ankle-biting!  (Thats just a phrase humans use, you're not really supposed to bite ankles!)

For myself:  I suppose I could be a better house keeper, but hey, I suppose I could win the lottery but that'll never happen so lets stick to reality shall we?  I resolve to eat less starchy foods... notice I said 'eat less', not 'eat no'... there's no way I can totally give up my pasta, potatoes and rice... but I do acknowledge that I should cut back on my intake.  I think I also need to drink less alcohol and more water... and I don't mean adding ice to my drinks... I really mean cutting back on the 'social drinking' cos lets face it, I'm too social for my own good!  And lastly, and this one hurts... I will spend less time (ouch!) on the computer!  Truth be known I spend less time infront of the computer than my husband spends infront of the TV set, but I'm not pushing the issue, I just think I need to reset my priorities.  Of course by limiting my time on the computer I may be jeopardizing my earlier resolution to limit my alcohol and starch intake because I'm sure I will eventually get frustrated with being a good wife, mother and housekeeper and start binging.  Now wait a minute... upon further examination of my current habits I see that my time spent on the computer actually helps to regulate my alcohol and starch intake, and keeps my frustration to an acceptable level.  Which leads me to the conclusion that I am just fine the way I am and don't need a New Year's resolution to better myself in the months to come.  Wow, I feel GREAT aready!  Happy New Years!


I took the kids to the Mall to spend some of their Christmas money.  Zack and Art spent their money on a game system, some games and a couple controllers.  Becca bought clothes and things for the game system.  Rocky bought a shock pen from Spencer's Gifts! 

Yesterday morning as I rushed out of the door Rocky called out that she had found my pen and put it in my work vest pocket.  I thanked her, told her what a sweet child she was and sped off to work.  Later, I reached into my pocket to get a pen to sign off on some equipment and found a pen that was not mine and yet looked strangely familiar.  That little imp of mine had stuck her shock pen in my pocket!  And you know she was waiting by the door when I got home acting all innocent.  I'll get her back.  I don't know how yet, but I will get her back!

Monday, January 3, 2005


WOO HOO!  WE DID IT!  WE'RE GOING TO THE PLAY-OFFS!  Denver kicked the Colts right where it hurt, with a final score of 33 - 14.   Ironically the Colts will get a chance to fight back with a re-match next Sunday.  The Bronco's haven't won a post-season game since 1998, and fell to the Colts in their first play-off game last year so they will be chomping at the bit.  I predict a very tough game.  And I predict that I will NOT be watching it since the wonderful people who do the scheduling have decided to make the game on Sunday instead of Saturday as I have requested... and my boss seems to feel that I should dedicate my loyalties to the unfaithful, disloyal hometown folks who think it is more important to go shopping for toilet paper and turkey pot pies than to stay home and root for the team.  But thats okay, I will not play Cinderella on Super Bowl Sunday, and if the Football Gods are willing, I will be cheering my beloved Broncos on to another Super Bowl Championship!


Saturday, January 8
St. Louis (8-8) at Seattle (9-7)
N.Y. Jets (10-6) at San Diego (12-4)

Sunday, January 9
Denver (10-6) at Indianapolis (12-4)
Minnesota (8-8) at Green Bay (10-6)

Saturday, January 1, 2005


I went out hiking this afternoon with Steve, despite the fact that I have a chest cold... and boy am I glad I did, for look what greeted me at the end of the day, a gorgeous sunset.  For the whole story of my little walk-about check out my other journal, the highly neglected Tree Stand Rambling and Other Tall Tales.