Monday, March 30, 2009
11 days and about 450 miles later our Cross Country Pajama Party came to an end. By the Grace of God, Mother Nature and the Impala we made it home safely. The girls were amazing and with the exception of their excessive gas and random bouts of singing obnoxious songs, were no problem at all.
On this trip we made several major discoveries;
* Loveland, Colorado has one of the coolest McDonald's we'd ever been to.
* It only takes half an hour to turn 20 oz. of soda pop into 1 gallon of pee.
* 5 people can eat the same thing but their farts will all smell different.
* 'Imaginarily' is a word if you use your imagination.
* It is impossible to distinguish pig and yak pooh from mud when it rains.
* Adults and teenagers sound the same when they are having fun.
* It is possible to eat too much chocolate.
* Drivers are usually frowning as they drive until someone (even a random Oompa) smiles and waves at them at which time about 80% of them will return the smile.
* Booger drilling is a common past time while driving.
* Snowflakes are sharp and hurt at 75 mph.
* Even a hard mattress feels good after 10 hours on the road.
* A messy home is a welcomed sight after 11 days.
* Sisters and Oompas ROCK! (so does Art's Pink Haired Girlfriend)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
We made it to Iowa just in time for a snow storm on Saturday night. With 6 hours under our belt we were already ahead of schedule so we called it an early night and pulled in to the next exit. Iowa 80 was hard to miss with all it's lights and signs, and trucks.
It was a fricken maze! I turned into the parking lot to explore the possible supper options. Of the three visible restaurants, at least one person in the car had an objection to every one. Not to fear, the signs along the interstate promised many more, some where in the area known as Iowa 80. The place is so big it probably has it's own zip code! As soon as I got into the parking lot I was immediately dwarfed by the hundreds of big rigs. With about 4 inches of snow and slush on the ground there was no telling where or what the markings on the ground were.
Lost in a sea of monster trucks I picked one and began to follow it out. After 15 minutes that felt like an hour we pulled up in front of the Econo Lodge. All cravings for Taco Bell, McDonalds and Wendy's were gone and Hot Pockets were the unanimous choice being as they were as close as the cooler in the trunk. We parked, checked in and settled in to our room. And the Hot Pockets were delicious, until Dickidoo sent a picture of the BBQ ribs he and the boys had for supper. Grrrr!
Morning light brought sobering confirmation that our decision to stop for the night when we did was a good one. Abandoned cars and trucks speckled the roadside like carcasses. In the back seat the Oompas giggled and waved to passing motorists. In the front seat my sister and I thanked our blessings. The passing motorists... not so much.
'Honk if you like cheese'
'Honk if you like muffins'
'Honk if Yoda you like.'
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Day two took us to the Mount Rushmore Monument. We spent two hours there under the watchful gaze of the 4 presidents. Then it was eastward ho! At this point we have not time schedule and it has been a nice ride full of impulsive stops to ride ponies or run around a parking lot to a store that we wished wasn't closed. (Why does Cabelas ALWAYS close the moment we enter the parking lot, no matter what time it is?)
We did have one little incident, which has earned my sister a new nick-name: Val the Coon Slayer.
"Mom, what was that?"
"Was it a large critter?"
Today we're making one scheduled stop... The Spam Museum!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
My 'older' sister Val, the Yak Herder, flew in Thursday night. We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking and laughing. What... it's not like we had to get up and drive 400+ miles the next day or anything like that.
Oh wait, we did!
The girls all stayed home from school. The idea was that we were going to get an early start. Dickidoo and I said our goodbyes at 6:30 am. I got up early so he could make me coffee. I made him store bought Danish pastries.
8 1/2 hours later we finally pulled out of the driveway and pointed the Impala north. It was stop and go traffic getting out of the Springs and then all the way through Denver. But from then on it was smooth sailing... at least when Val was driving. I tend to tap the brakes a little too hard for the passengers' liking. Hey, I'm used to Big Red, okay? At every stop Art's Pink Haired Girlfriend would take a picture of Pete, the Love Frog that Art gave her when they first started dating 2 years ago. Then I would photograph the Oompas, and they would ask random strangers for quotes to put in their little Cross Country Pajama Party Book of Quotes. Some guy named Ben from Castle Rock, Colorado wrote 'Good Lord!' which was the first thing that came to mind when the girls asked him for a quote. Shannon from Loveland Carl's Jr. said 'You Girls Rock!'
We made it just outside of Mount Rushmore shortly after midnight. Super 8, 3 queen sized beds, breakfast from 7-11, pool opens at 10am.
Okay Presidents... are you ready for the Cross Country Pajama Party? The Oompas are coming!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
I walked past Henry The Homicidal Goldfish after work, chomping on a huge tuna fish and alfalfa sprout sandwich. I suddenly felt guilty and hid the sandwich behind my back as I tried to avoid Henry's accusing glare. Then I looked closer at him... one of his fillets would fit quite nicely between two slices of bread.
The Shit Hound farts worse than any person in the house. I swear she smiles every time she farts, kind of like a kid smiles when he smells cookies baking in the oven. It's like she knows that she's got a tasty little snack in the making.
Art called me from his Pink Haired Girlfriend's car this afternoon. They were on their way up town when they saw a big red pick-up truck with white feathers on the windows and sides. BIG RED LIVES! An old man is driving her now. I hope they travel many safe and happy miles together.
I'm tired. It's after 1 am. I stink. I smell like tuna fish and alfalfa. Think Dickidoo wants to cuddle?
How can you tell that we are in a recession? By the increased number of telephone directories piling up on your porch.
We got one yesterday, one last week, and two in February. On the average we receive 2 new phone books of one kind or another each month. Businesses are sinking that extra dollar into every inch of advertising they can get to bring customers in.
Dickidoo and I are fortunate. Our job security is not affected by the current recession (so far). We are both guaranteed our 40 hours a week. We don't have to worry about where our next mortgage payment is coming from. And so long as the Oompas don't run up the dang cell phone bill again, we should be able to weather this economic hiccup without too much discomfort.
Actually I won't have to worry about the Oompas running up the phone bill this month, or last month for that matter. Last week, right after I finally paid off that humongous phone bill from December and got service restored, my first text message was from the phone company informing me that our bill was past due. As of this morning our service has once again been suspended. Too bad we don't get roll-over minutes. At least we can still receive incoming calls. How else would they be able to call 10 times a day to inform us that the phone bill is over due ? Plus, this way they can still charge us the monthly service fees.
Milk at my store has gone down by about 25% to $2.63 while Coke and Pepsi 12 packs reflect almost a $1 increase to $4.26 - on sale! Gas remains pretty stable for the first time in a while, but I imagine it is just a matter of time before we see another spike. Of all the industries in the world, I still for the life of me cannot understand what drives the prices of oil and gas.
"The cost of oil is going up~ quick, raise the gas prices!"
"The cost of oil is going down~ quick, raise the gas prices!"
"Folks are afraid to fly and want to drive instead~ quick, raise the gas prices!"
"The stock market dropped~ quick, raise the gas prices!"
"The stock market rebounded~ quick, raise the gas prices!"
"It's Memorial Day, Labor Day, Fourth Of July, Christmas~ raise the gas prices!"
"It's Monday~ raise the gas prices!"
"My neice just had a baby, raise the gas prices!"
Anyhow, while luxuries are showing a marked increase in cost, the essentials like milk, eggs, bread and gas are either the same or lower. I shall not panic during this crisis though~ unless the price of toilet paper shows a sharp increase. This might be a good time to look into the feasibility of installing a heated bidet. Or perhaps we can just use a hillbilly bidet. All it takes is a water hose and a blow dryer. No Charmin needed.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
In 2004 my son Gabriel cut his waist length hair and joined the Army. I cried at the bus station as he rode away in the Greyhound bud. Memories of not so long ago when we said good-bye to a young friend as he departed for boot camp only to return a few weeks later in a casket escorted by my husband haunted me. But Gabe had inherited his father's sense of duty and was firm in his resolve.
I knew where his journey would take him, to the badlands of Iraq. And again I held my breath as icy fear gripped my heart. He would return for a second tour, losing several friends along the way. I cried in the dark hours of the night so as not to alarm the others, but my fears were never really calmed until today.
Today he is released from his commitment, having served bravely and honorably. And we impatiently await his return to his hometown and family. To all my friends who have been there with us through this trying time, those who shared my fears, and lightened my heart with their prayers and well wishes, I thank you from the bottom of my weary but grateful heart.
He's coming home. Amen!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
My yard was the only yard in the neighborhood that had snow on it!
I repeat, Spring my butt!
I want my hour back!
Monday, March 9, 2009
But wait, there's more!
It also has... over 700 channels!
Unfortunately we still only have the basic cable subscription (but in HD Digital!). What does that mean? It means that of the 700+ channels, about 650 are repeats of our basic cable package. At least we don't have to stare at a blank screen while trying to find a working channel among the vast abyss of cable tv.
(I'm still afraid to go near a television set when the screen turns to static snow - as seen on Poltergeist. You do know that little girl that played Carol Ann really did die after filming the movie!)
We have the same Spanish Soap Opera on about 40 channels. It's amazing. This might be a good time to brush up on my Espanol.
Tomorrow (today?) is my day off so I'll have lots of time to learn how to use this new technology. I'll just hoist the remote control on to the Oompa's Yamaha keyboard stand and bang away at it until I figure it out. I may even compose a couple of overtures while I'm at it.
Who needs a life when you can have HD Cable with 700+ channels!
As seen on TV. This offer is not available in stores so call now! Supplies are limited!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Spring my butt! It snowed yesterday, it's still winter here in Colorado. I want my hour back!
I got an awesome email yesterday from my big sister Lisa. She's going to join my other two sisters, my two daughters, Art's Pink Haired Girlfriend and me in New York for Spring Break. I'm sooooooooooo excited! I wish my Baby Sister could be there, and Mama~ that would be perfect (sorry guys, this is a girls only party!), but we have the Family Reunion in 2010 to look forward to when EVERY DANG ONE will be there. In the mean time, the girls and I are going on a Cross Country Pajama Party that goes from Colorado to Upstate New York and back again!
Look out America, here we come!
Well, not yet... but soon! And thanks to daylight fricken time we'll get there one hour earlier!
Or is it one hour later? Grrrrrr! I hate daylight fricken time!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
That was about the time it dawned on me....
Just what did I intend to do once I caught the turd-eating pooch... take the turd away?
Oh heck no! I didn't want it! I hit the handle on the back screen door and Jubilee ran out without slowing down. I didn't even bother to see what she was going to do with her prize, I just slammed the door shut.
Jubilee has been a part of the family for 4 weeks now. The novelty has worn off. She is no longer the 'Poopy Little Puppy'. She is the Shit-Hound! The lady who sold her to us told me that she might be eating the turds to hide the evidence of her accidents so we wouldn't be angry at her.
Ah Jubi, you shouldn't have! Really, you shouldn't have... so quit it!
Gabe was laughing on the phone the whole time. Yeah... just wait till this summer when he gets to meet Jubilee face to stinking face, and she licks him with her poopy tongue! We'll see how hard he laughs then!
I've been surveying my friends who have dogs and almost all of them admit that their dogs eat turds. I've had dogs before, they never at turds! Alpo dog food which is hard to distinguish between pre-digestion and post-digestion - yes. A dead critter now and then, maybe. Then of course a mother dog will lick her babies to make them 'go', and all dogs lick their own butts (and other dogs butts), but I'd never heard of them just out right eating shit before.
It's like extreme food recycling.
And yet through all this traumatic discovery I have found a new inspiration to communicate with my Maker. Each night I pray: "Dear God, thank you for making me human rather than canine."
Who ever coined the phrase 'it's a dog's life' must have had a shit hound.