Friday, December 29, 2006

THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS, and another winter storm

Another winter storm blew across Colorado yesterday, 5 hours early.  While the residents were scurrying around trying to stock up on essentials, the storm front moved in with a vengeance.  This motorist, a young mother, was trying frantically to reach her baby sitter's house to get her young children.  Dickidoo and 3 other passers-by pushed her little car several hundred yards uphill until the road evened out and she was able to get some traction.  Driving to work this morning wasn't too bad, but now there is a layer of ice an inch thick on all of the roads.  Dickidoo to the rescue again, he is driving me in tomorrow... he has chains on the Hemi.

Yucca is considered to be a desert plant, and I have some very unpleasant memories of it during my many hunting trips, but it sure makes a beautiful picture when covered in snow.  I jumped out of the Hemi while Dickidoo was helping to push the Mustang.  Note to self, never EVER go outside to take pictures during a snow storm while wearing slip on clogs. Brrrrrr!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


A little while ago I mentioned that I didn't like posting my political views here because I didn't want to bore anyone, but the fact remains that I do have views, as uneducated as they may be.  Sooooooo I started jotting them down on another blog, under a different name because honestly, who is going to take the opinions of a fart blogger seriously?  Come to think of it, with a made up name like 'Dispundit' and my limited Fox News education I doubt anyone will take me seriously no matter where I post.  Heck, half the time I don't even take myself seriously but oh well.  I have this uncontrollable compulsion to blog so blog I must.  Anyhow... if you'd like to take a peek into my disfunctional political mind, click here:  DISPUNDIT  By the way, I mention this now because I posted my favorite picture of former President Ford on the blog.

Monday, December 25, 2006


Gabe called this morning and I was able to wish my Grand-Oompa a Merry Christmas.  And for the record, Santa is officially on my kaa-kaa list.  He brought Rocky a drum set... against my wishes.  Not cool!  Oh, but you should have seen her face when she opened the box!  (now if I can only convince her to keep the dang drums IN the box!)

Did I say the magic was gone?  Silly me... its not about Santa, its all about family.  The magic is most definitely still alive, no matter how old you are.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Hahahaha!  I just realized that our tree lights are visible in the picture.  We use icicle lights because we're too lazy to get the single strands and wind them all around and around and around the tree.  We just take a strand of icicles and toss it over the front of the tree... POOF!  Instant tree trimming!  It might have worked if we had used the green wire strand instead of the white one.

Sunday, December 24, 2006


I saw Santa yesterday and gave him a big hug.  Then, because I had known him for so many years, I stepped back and scolded him.

'You are costing me a whole bunch of money buddy.'

Customers passing by gasped in disbelief, shocked that anyone would dare to speak to the jolly old soul in such a manner.

'Every year I blow my paychecks to get the Oompas something nice, and you get all the credit for it,' I continued.

'I'm sorry, but that's what they wanted in their letters to me,' the rosy cheeked elf shrugged apologetically.

'Yeah, well I'll bet they said they were good too, but guess what?  THEY LIED!'

Santa's merry 'Ho Ho Ho!' followed me as I hurried out of the Super Center with the last of his gifts for the Oompas.  (by the way, Santa's real name is John and he works in the Toy Department when he's not listening to children lie about how good they've been... )

The youngest Oompa is 12 now and knows the truth.  She doesn't mind and she helped the others wrap the gifts, forging Santa's signature on the tags.  I appreciate the help, but reluctantly I must accept the fact that there will be no plate of cookies left out for Santa this year in a last minute attempt to distract from past indiscretions and no carrots left on the front porch for his reindeer.  Sadly I think I will miss the magic of Christmas more than the Oompas will.

Oh well, there is still the Grand-Oompa!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

A TREE (finally)

We finally got our tree set up and decorated.  Dickidoo found one for us, a beautiful fragrant pine of some sort... fresh, not spray painted.  The Oompas were all for hanging the ornaments, but now we have boxes, bubble wrap and newspaper used to cushion the bulbs laying all around the den.  Packing tubs full of left over ornaments crowd the walk way.  I'm too tired to deal with the mess right now.  Maybe I'll just slap some bows on them and shove them under the tree, goodness knows the kids always seem to get more enjoyment out of the wrapping and the packaging than the actual gifts themselves.  Hmmm.... you know... that's really not such a bad idea.

Friday, December 22, 2006


Dear Santa,

I've been good this year... sort of.  I didn't get any traffic tickets at all.  Well... there was that little incident at the school when I backed into that car, but the cop never showed up at court so the charges were dropped.  And the hex I put on the grumpy lady down the street back fired so that really shouldn't count either.  I've put up with PMS, pre-PMS, pre-menopaus syndrome.  I have 5 Oompas and I'm married to Dickidoo for crying out loud!  That should account for something.

I don't want a Red Rider BB gun, I don't need diamonds or even chocolate truffles (although they would be very appreciated if they should appear under the tree).  I don't need money or gift cards, and I know a visit from my Grand-Oompa is out of the question at the moment.  So what I want... what I really, realistically want... is just a little appreciation.  I want a 'thanks for the ride', or 'thanks for heating up the microwave pizza', an occasional 'thanks for not telling daddy,' and 'thanks for being my Designated Driver'.  'Great supper', and 'thanks for leaving me some coffee'.  That's all.

Okay, and maybe a truffle or two.  And I really do like diamonds, I just don't own any (yet?).


Love Dorn.

Thursday, December 21, 2006


The school district announced the second snow day last night at 8:39.  So much for my hibernation.  For those of you who were concerned, no, we didn't catch the brunt of the storm.  That was centered up a little more north around Denver.  We got maybe 6 to 8 inches in the yard, but with the strong winds blowing through parts of the yard has drifts of about a foot deep while other areas are bare dirt.  The roads through the neighborhoods are bad though with packed snow and ice.  I'm not looking forward to driving to work tomorrow morning, brrrrrrrrrrr!

So anyhow, back to the snow days... did you know that not only was today the first day of winter, it was also the last day of the semester?  I didn't, but I do now.  The kids don't need a snow day to stay home tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the first day of their winter break.  Impossible! First they had 2 snow days in a row and now they will be home for another 18 days.  Thats 20 days of non-stop fussing and fighting, and its not even summer! 

Happy, happy, joy, joy!  Nothing like quality family time with the Oompas!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

SNOW DAY? Where!? (edited)

Dickidoo woke me at 5:30 this morning to ask me to make the coffee.  'Make it yourself, I'm sleeping in!' I told him, peeved that he should interrupt my hibernation to make HIM some coffee.  The man must surely have a death wish.

45 minutes later he woke me again to tell me that school was cancelled for the day.  I looked out the window... no snow, WTF! (no Rocky, mommy doesn't owe you a quarter, that stands for Where's The Flurries?... you know, as in snow flurries?)  Folks, you gotta understand, the school district superintendent, who decides on whether or not to call a 'snow day', came from Alaska and his policy has always been 'over the river and through the snow its off to school you go!'  (he must have been a mailman in a past life).   Then today, out of the blue, with no snow in sight, and on the first day of my hibernation... he calls for a snow day.  I repeat... WTF!


Edit:  Oh... there's the snow... brrrrrrrrr!  Okay Mr. School District Superintendent, good call! 

(oops, did anyone notice that I posted '5 days' for the second day in a row?)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

HIBERNATION, the twins and 23 year old jeans

Did you know that while bears hibernate, they burn on the average 100 pounds?  They eat a bunch of food, sleep for a few months, and wake up 100 pounds lighter, how cool is that?  I could do that... I could scarf up a lot of food, take a three month nap and wake up skinny.  I want to be the bear!

I went to the store last night with Dickidoo.  I had just gotten out of the shower, my hair was still wet, and I was not constricted by the confines of my Cross Your Heart Over The Shoulder Boulder Holders.

Ladies... don't do this at home.  Don't go outside just after a shower... in the dead of winter... when its below freezing... with no foundation garment on under your shirt.  Almost immediately upon leaving the warmth of the truck, the Twins shriveled to half their normal size and became so perky that I thought for sure they would break off!  I can almost guarantee that the 'Ban the Bra' movement did not begin in the State of Colorado in the dead of winter!

It's supposed to snow tomorrow.  Tomorrow might be a good day to begin my hibernation.  I'll just set the Bunn-Omatic Brew-Omatic up next to the bed and I should be good for the rest of the winter.  I've got two days off in a row, I wonder how many pounds I can burn while sleeping for 48 hours?  I sure wouldn't mind going to bed and waking up 40 pounds lighter.  Oh, the fun I could have in my jeans from yester-year!  Yes, I still have my Levi 501's from when I got married.  I've always hoped to one day be able to squeeze back into them and keep the button fly buttoned when I sit down.  Heck, at this point I'd be happy just to be able to get them up and over my tush, we'll work on getting the buttons fastened later!

But if I were a bear, I'd be in them by February!

Monday, December 18, 2006


No, I didn't cancel Christmas, much as it behooves me.  The Oompas, especially the girls, have been on their best behavior.  I don't know if they read my last blog entry... or maybe it was the green peach fuzz that was starting to grow on my exposed skin... but what ever the reason, yesterday and today have been relatively quiet.  Darn, I guess that means I have to start wrapping all those presents.

I vaguely remember my parents cancelling Christmas one year.  I don't know why they would have done that because me and my siblings were very well behaved (at least compared to my Oompas), but I recall that there were very few gifts under the tree that year, and we had to earn the confiscated gifts one by one until Valentines when we got the last ones.  I was an angel as a child, I know I was.  I'd hate to think what my parents would have done to the Oompas had they been theirs to raise.  You know what they say about parents' revenge.  Thanks Mom and Dad, consider yourself avenged, and then some!

We waited too late to purchase a permit to cut down our own Christmas tree.  We may be forced to purchase a spray painted Christmas Tree Farm tree.  Maybe I'll just buy one of those live potted Norfolk pine trees, and plant it in the yard after Christmas (if it doesn't die on me).  Or maybe, if the Oompas don't get their act together, we won't even need a tree.  I guess we'll see over the next couple of days.

Saturday, December 16, 2006


I work in a retail super center.  I've braved the Post Office line, the mall, and extended holiday rush hour traffic.  Through it all my Christmas Spirit survived almost unscathed... until this morning. 

Oompa Rivalry... worse than any sibling rivalry I've ever seen.  FEMALE Oompa Rivalry.  Its the thing nightmares are made of.  Pre-pre-menopaus.  And after 12 years I had finally had enough.  I blew a gasket.  I yelled like I didn't know I could yell and then I slammed out of the house. 

As I reversed Big Red out of the driveway I used Santa's name in vain a record 10 times in one sentence.  Even as I spoke I could feel the spirit of the season slowly seeping out of my body.  It could be that my head wasn't screwed on quite right. It could be, perhaps, that my shoes were to tight.  (cough, cough... hack, hack... green hairball?)

Fortunately I was able to calm down before the metamorphosis into a Grinch was complete and decided to return Christmas to all of the little Oompas in Oompaville.

Awwwww, who am I kidding?  Christmas was always a magical time for me as a child but now, as a parent... even as an Oompa parent, the magic is so much more intense.

But I swear to goodness, if those girls pull another fit like they did today, they'll find out that no Christmas is coming.  They'll wake up and I know just what they'll do.  Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.  Then all of the Oompas down in Oompaville will all cry 'boo hoo'! "  Bah humbug!

Friday, December 15, 2006

THE NEW ELF, and the Post Office at last.

The new Elf wrapped the last of the gifts to be sent to the Grand-Oompa, his baby sister and cousins but when I picked them up to pack them in the box, most of the parcels popped open and had to be rewrapped.  I considered firing him as well, but decided that he probably just needed a little more experience.  Not a problem, I've got tons more gifts that need to be wrapped by the 24th!

When I could no longer procrastinate about the trip to the Post Office with a clear conscience, I got into Big Red and made my way through town.  It was later in the day than I had wanted, but traffic was light and although the parking lot was full, I still had a choice of parking spaces.  Inside I encountered the expected line.  What I didn't expect was the speed in which the line was proceeding.  Nor was I anticipating such friendliness from the other customers in line.  Upon closer inspection I figured out why the visit was turning out to be so pleasant... the other patrons were for the most part Grandparents just like me, braving the chaos of the season to send some special treats to their very own precious Grandbabies.

By the time I paid for my postage and turned to leave the Post Office, the line had grown to 3 times the length it was when I had arrived, and the customers were obviously no longer in the spirit of the season judging by the looks on their scowling faces.  Hahaha, better them than me!

I took the Oompas to the mall to do their Christmas shopping.  It was actually very fun watching them searching for the perfect gifts for their siblings.  One day they will make fine Santas for their own children.  Hmmm, I wonder how many times THEY will use Santa's name in vain.  At least as many times as WE did... I hope!  (Its only fair!)

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Yes, I am still here, but only because I didn't go to the Post Office as planned.  Santa's Helpers didn't finish wrapping the gifts as they had promised so they were not ready when I was.  The errant elves were fired and another one was hired but he won't start until tomorrow.

I got the last of my layaway purchases out this evening, and did a little more shopping.  Walking through the crowded super center I have noticed as the days pass, little by little the overall good feeling for the season seems to be fading as well.  Shoppers seem more harried than they did when the shopping season officially kicked off the day after Thanksgiving.  Tempers are short now, patience is thin, and (gasp) parents often use Santa's name in vain.  I know, because I used to do it all the time:  'If you don't behave, Santa's not coming here this year!'  Unfortunately there comes a time in a child's life when that kind of threat no longer has the desired effect.  I do believe my Oompas have passed such an age.  Now I find myself to be the one calling out to Santa:  'Hey Santa, buddy, there better be something in this for me because dude, I've been footing the bill for years and letting you get all the credit.  I better have at least a 2 pound box of truffles under the tree or next year I'm signing all of the gift tags: Love, The Easter Bunny!'

Driving is getting extra scary this time of year.  I don't know, maybe the cold affects people's driving abilities.  Everyone is so busy trying to get where they're going that they seem to forget that they aren't the only one's on the road.  I've been cut off, nearly side swiped, nearly rear ended, and almost run over more times this month than in the entire rest of the year.  Its as if for the month of December the roadways and parking lots become one big community demolition bumper car course.  Its like... the post office line... only we're all in vehicles!  Scary stuff I tell you.  And tomorrow I have to drive these manic streets just so I can go and wait in line with the drivers of the cars that just tried to run me over in the parking lot... Only for the Grand Oompa would I risk it.  Only for the Grand Oompa.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

ODORLICIOUS, and a pending trip to the Post Office


Why am I happy?

I am happy because I smell like ME again!  I smell like Elizabeth Arden's Fifth Avenue.  I ran out of my favorite cologne months ago and have been wearing a hodge podge of fragrances ever since... left overs from Christmas's past, imported oils from Bahrain, Avon rejects and even a couple of lableless mystery bottles.  But those all shall be swept off the vanity so that my sleek angular bottle of glistening golden essence can once again take its place of honor.  I am Odorlicious, I smell soooooooo good!    Yeaaaaaaaah Baby!

There is about 12 inches of ice in the pool now.  I guess its too late to empty it now... The kids have already tried skating on it, but I'm afraid they may fall through the ice.  We'll give it a few more inches before we try that again, just to be on the safe side. 

Anyhow.... this may be my last entry for a while.  Forever even. 

Tomorrow I shall attempt an excursion to the Post Office to mail some packages out to the Grand-Oompa.  I still remember last year, just like it was last year.  I almost didn't make it back out alive.  I don't anticipate this year's trip to be any better.  Wish me well.  Hopefully I'll be back shortly.  If not, Merry Christmas, its been fun blogging with you all.  I shall miss you....

Love Dorn.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


All I want for Christmas is a Baby Alive, that pees and poops.

That was me when I was maybe 7 or 8, but I never got a Baby Alive that peed and pooped.  I got practical gifts like clothes; socks, underwear, pj's and dresses (beautiful homemade dresses!)  I got novels and art supplies.  I got Barrels Of Monkeys and Tip It.  I got Candyland and Chutes and Ladders, gloves and scarves.  But I never got a Baby Alive that peed and pooped.

Not until I got my very own, real live baby alive, that really peed real pee and pooped real poop.  In a way its probably a good thing that I never got a Baby Alive that peed and pooped because if I had a clue of how bad diaper changing could be, I may never have wanted to have my own babies... and I just can't imagine life without the Oompas!

Hmmmmm.... peace, quiet, access to my computer and cell phone 24/7, unlimited supply of Charmin, no need to share my truffles...  Okay, maybe I can imagine life without the Oompas.  But I don't think I'd enjoy it.  (except maybe for the part about the unlimited supply of Charmin).

Monday, December 11, 2006

THE EMPTY CORNER, and the Griswolds

I try not to use the boy's bathroom unless its an emergency.  Yesterday presented an emergency and I rushed in, making sure not to look in the corner or under the tank... 'Don't look... Just do your business and get out!' I coached myself.  'Don't look... don't look.'

Too late, I looked.

The corner was empty.  The spider was gone.  A feeling of relief washed over me.  And I was happy that the spider was gone too.

But then an dreadful thought occured to me.  Ever the pessimist, ever the worrier, I began to wonder... okay, if the spider is gone, where is it?  What if it joined up with the spider behind the toilet, below my tuffet?  What if they did the 'humpty'?  What if they had babies... millions and billions of hungry black spiders with eight beady eyes and eight hairy noses/feet?

That was my fastest trip to the throne in history!  In and out in 30 seconds flat!

We are surrounded by the Griswolds.  Everyone in our town must be related in one way or another to them; for every house, every yard and garage, even the mailboxes, are decked out in festive Christmas decor.   Its like 'Griswoldville'.  At night it is a winter wonderland, aglow in bright strings of lights, animated wire reindeer and huge, glowing inflatable snow globes and Santa Clauses.  I feel bad at night for my yard, the House of Oompas, is dark with the exception of the bare porch light, still draped with remnants of last year's Halloween glow-in-the-dark spider webbing.  There are no brightly blinking lights in the windows, just the glow of the dining room light through the gap in the curtains.  The only Christmasy thing on the quarter acre lot is the tall Colorado blue spruce in the front yard.

But during the day I feel somewhat better for during the day while my yard takes on a more 'Country Christmas' appeal, with a tall pine in the center of the snow covered ground.  All through the town lies the carcasses of the huge inflatable yard decorations, looking like the after math of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade gone terribly wrong.  Deflated snow globes form wide puddles on the ground.  A bright red mound marks where Santa once stood so jolly and plump just the night before.  Zig zag strands of green icicle lights hang down starkly against the backdrop of the eves, their glowing tips extinguished for the day.  Reindeer stand frigid in the cold, no warm glow from the lights intertwined in its wire body.

At least my grand Colorado Blue Spruce Christmas tree still looks good in the daylight.  Yep, the Christmas spirit is alive and well here, no matter how dull it may appear from the outside at night.

But next year... next year we're going ALL out.  And the Griswolds will seem dim in our shadow!  Yeah, I know... we say that every year, but seriously... next year will be our year to shine.  This year we will be content with driving around and enjoying the efforts and electric bills of our neighbors.

Saturday, December 9, 2006


Yesterday evening Art suddenly sat up straight in his seat and said 'You forgot Jack Nicholas Day.'

'I forgot who day?'  I had no idea what he was talking about.

'Jack Nicholas.'

'Do you mean Jack Nicholson?' I suggested

'Yeah, you forgot Jack Nicholson Day.'

'Huh?' Now I was really confused.

'You forgot last year and you forgot again this year.' he scolded.

'I'm lost, what is Jack Nicholson Day?'

'Isn't he the guy who played The Joker in Batman?' Zack joined in.

'Yeah...' I confirmed, excited that we were finally getting somewhere.

'No, that guy with the candy in the radioactive fungi shoes...' Art corrected.

And then it dawned on me... Saint Nicholai Day!  I had forgotten Saint Nicholai Day for the third year in a row. 

We learned of the little tradition while in Ansbach, Germany.  The children set out their shoes on the eve of December 6th, and later Saint Nicholai comes through while the children are fast asleep and fills the shoes with candies and other treats.  Our German neighbors spoiled the boys while we were there and I carried on the tradition even after returning to the states.  Now here we are, years later... and my teenagers are still expecting for their shoes to be filled with candy on December 6th.

Just at that moment Becca came out of the bathroom with a look of accusation on her face.

'Hey, I just remembered that you forgot Jack Nicholas Day!' she accused.

Personally I think the Oompas are goofy.  I've smelled their shoes and I for onewould never be so desperate as to eat anything that had been inside of them!  But since it means that much to them, we will celebrate Jack Nicholson Day this year, late as usual... stinky shoes and all.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

TOILET HANDLE, and letters to Santa

Its called a 'toilet handle'.  You pull it down and it opens a hole in the bottom of the toilet tank, which in turn floods the toilet bowl with fresh water and forces the #1 and #2 (and sometimes #3) down the hole and into the sewer.  It prevents the production of pee punch and strong bathroom odors.  USE IT!


So have you all written your letters to Santa?  I already know what I'm getting from Santa.  He came early and gave me the digital video program I've been drooling over.  (Too bad he didn't give me a digital cam-corder to go along with it).  So I've been very content... until I started seeing the commercials on TV.

'He went to Jared!'

Who did?  Not Dickidoo, that's for darn sure.  I'll bet that guy doesn't even know where Jared's is.  And who gets a new Cadillac for Christmas?  The future ex-Mrs. Trump?  Marcelo's wife (with the really bad accent)?

Now I know why Dickidoo keeps changing the channel, he doesn't want me to see the Christmas commercials and start getting ideas!

Yet he still drops hints about what I can get him... even after getting his Past Champion/ Future Loser Steelers leather jacket early  so he could enjoy it while the Steelers were still Champions.  Silly man, you've been good, but not THAT good!


I will never forget the first time I visited the Arizona Memorial... I cut out of school with my brother and we caught the bus where we were the only locals among the throngs of tourists, mostly Japanese, waiting in line to catch the shuttle boat to the white structure built above the wreckage of the submerged battleship.  Thinking back, I had no warning of the depth of emotions that would come over me.  My brother and I joked around before boarding the free shuttle, run by the Navy... but as we drew closer to the shrine, a solemn quiet took over everyone so that all you could hear was the hum of the boat's engines and the gentle splashing of the waves against the side.

Once we disembarked onto the memorial it was as if we had entered another world.  Nobody said a word.  It wasn't that one was forbidden to speak, it was that nobody had the ability to speak.  The emotions there were so thick I found myself holding my breath.  There was an immense sadness that seemed to envelope the entire area and although the sun was warm that day, my arms were covered with goosebumps.  I saw the oil floating up from the depths of the ocean, tears from a once great battle ship.  I saw the endless rows of names of the killed and missing on the tall wall that reached towards the Heavens, many whose bodies still remained within the steel hull of the ship below me. 

I cried openly, for men I never knew.  I cried openly with strangers who wept with me.  And I vowed that I would always remember the men whom I would never meet.

When December 7th, 1941 is mentioned, most people think Pearl Harbor and the sinking of the battleship Arizona.  In actuality the attack took place over the entire island of Oahu and its many military bases there.  In all 2,335 military and 68 civilians were killed. 1,143 military and 35 civilians were wounded. 

I'm not entirely sure why the Arizona Memorial is so special to me.  Perhaps its because I grew up in Hawaii where decadeslater one can still see the scars of war and human tragedy.  Perhaps its because I grew up as the daughter of Sailor.  Or perhaps its just because I'm an American who cares.  For what ever reason, as in the years past, my thoughts are once again with the men and women who fought so bravely that day, the service members and the civilians, those who survived and those who perished. 

And so, to the men and women who gave their lives, to their families... to those who lived through it and still carry the memories, I say a prayer for you and peace.  I pray also that the heavy cost in human lives be met by the lessons learned and not forgotten.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

INEVITABLE, paper mache and 8 legged freaks!

I talked to Gabe the other night.  He had spoken to Art first and then asked to speak to me.  When I got on he apologized.  'I tried to talk him out of it, but I couldn't.  He's already made up his mind.' he began.  I knew what he was talking about.  Art had made no secret about the fact that he wanted to join the Army upon graduation, and he wanted to be a Cav Scout like his older brother.  'But don't worry mom, if he joins, I'll re-enlist so I can keep an eye on him.' my eldest son said with all sincerity. 

Once upon a time it, when the boys were little it was assumed and in fact almost expected that the boys would all join one branch of the service or the other.  The boys spoke of being a soldier as casually as they would speak of being an adult, it was just the natural flow of life.  But that was then, in happier, peaceful times.  This is now.  Now being a soldier almost always means exposure to death and destruction.  I no longer expected my sons to join the military.  I feared it.

'If you're trying to make me feel better, knowing you'll be there with him, you've failed... and succeeded at the same time.  Thank you, I appreciate that, but selfishly I hope it doesn't come to that.' I said, not really knowing what to say, but feeling that I had to say something.  Truth be known I don't want either of them out there in harms way.

'I know, but I wanted you to know that... I will do EVERYTHING I can to take care of him.  I don't want him to see what I've seen, or to have to do what I've done.  I can't change his mind, so I'll take care of him and make sure he comes out okay.'  Gabe's voice broke a couple of times, and I knew he was feeling what I was feeling, the helplessness of the inevitable.  Art has already cut his hair, the wheels were already in motion.  All we could do was help where we could along the path.  Dickidoo remains silent, watching... waiting.  I see the father in him searching for strength in the soldier he was and will always be.  His strength held me up while Gabe was deployed.  I hope he can handle having two sons in battle because I already know I can't.  Art has one more year in High School.  That's not much time to achieve World Peace, but its definitely worth a try.

Last night I zipped off to the near by over priced grocery store to buy a bottle of dish detergent.  13 items later I walked out $27 poorer.  But not to worry because right on cue the cashier handed me a Buy One, Get One Free Always Clean Pads coupon and a Save $1.50 On Two Any Size Any Variety of TAMPAX® Tampons.  I might have decided right then and there never to shop at that over priced grocery store again, but the third check-out coupon ejected by the Coupon Wizard was for $2.00 Off On Any ONE (1) Yuban Coffee 11oz Or Larger.  Ah, coffee!  Thats what I'm talking about!  (Pity they don't litter me with coffee coupons!)  The Oompas are finding the whole Feminine Hygiene Coupon episode amusing and have taken it upon themselves to solving the 'what to do with all the women's monthly coupons' dilemma.  So far I'm leaning towards the paper maché piñata made of coupons and stuffed with tampons.  I could deliver it to the store with the following message:  Thank you for the tampon coupons, I finally found a use for them.  Please give me more, I have idea for a bigger piñata!  Worst case scenario: they will give me more coupons, but I suspect they will most likely cease and desist.

I visited the boy's downstairs bathroom.  As I sat on the Throne of Plenty, I noticed a large spider hanging off of a web in the corner by the door.  I guess its web under the toilet was just a little too close for comfort and it moved to a safer distance.  So there it hung, staring at me staring at it.  I laughed as I wondered what its 8 little feet were smelling at that precise moment.  The spider didn't share my laughter, it just hung there, staring at me with its 8 little eyes, pointing its feet at me through the silk fibers of its web. 

A few moments later, when I turned to flush I caught a glimpse of black from beneath the toilet tank.  I bent closer for a better view... it was a big black spider.  I spun around and immediately spotted the other spider by the door.  Ekkkk !  There were 2 of them!


Tuesday, December 5, 2006

THE OTHER ROCKY, hair and grandbabies.

Guess what?  Have you heard?  There is a new 'Rocky' movie.  Rocky Balboa is back!  I'm not a big boxing fan (although I will watch a match with Dickidoo every now and then), and I never thought Sylvester Stallone was much of an actor, but I love the Rocky series and have watched them all over and over again.  Rumor has it that there is a sixth installation due out this month... yay!  Do you know what I would do if I were to ever meet the great Sly Stallone?  I'd ask him to do that one line from the movie... 'Adrianne', except I would ask him to say 'Dornbrau...!', just like that.  Uh huh, I'd like that a lot!  There's just something about his voice that makes me all weak in the knees.  I still remember how badly I wished my name was Adrienne after I saw that movie for the first time.

I'm a bad mom.  I rode around all day with Zack last week... all day... and didn't even notice until he mentioned his hairy chiney chin-chin that he had finally shaved his goatee off.  Poor guy, nobody else in the family noticed either.  Dickidoo didn't even notice until I pointed it out the following day.  I have to say I like the smooth shaven look much better.  I still don't know how I missed it.

Art has finally cut his hair.  The initial haircut was poorly done so our neighbor, who works at a salon at the mall, fixed it up for him, and now he really looks ...errrrrrrr..... I want to say 'cute', but I can think of at least one teenaged boy who does not want to look cute... so I'll settle for 'cool'.  Art's new hair style makes him look cool!  And yes, the 12 inches that was cut off is going to Locks For Love. 

I can't believe it but I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping.  And I've done something really kookie.  I know that Little Zachary's half sister Summer isn't my grandbaby, but I bought her some presents.  And of course I had to buy  his cousin and partner in crime, a gift because those two little guys are like bread and butter, peanut butter and jelly, catsup and mustard, coffee and hazelnut creamer... they just belong together.  And if I got his cousin a gift then I'd have to get his brand new baby cousin a gift as well.  I'm like a calabash step-grandmother-outlaw or something, and its FUN! 

Happy Birthday Little Zachary.  I wish I was there to watch you blow out your birthday candles.  The mailman should be bringing you a surprise.  Love you always~  Granny

Sunday, December 3, 2006


I live just a hop, skip and a jump from a very nice, very high priced grocery store.  I only shop there when I need a few items and its not worth the gas to drive the farther distance to the supercenter.  This classy upscale grocery store has a membership card as well as 'check-out coupons', which issues coupons based on your purchases.  Once upon a time I must have purchased a pack of Kotex there and now the purchase haunts me.  Every time I check out, my eyes light up with excitement as I watch the strip of thermo paper magically appear from the Coupon Wizard next to the register.  One never knows what one will find printed on the paper... maybe is $1.00 off next purchase coupon, or maybe a buy one, get one free coupon.  But lately... ever since that fateful female day, the only coupons that are handed to me are for the Pad of the Month club... $1.00 off my next purchase of 3 mega packs.  I now have over $20 worth of coupons for various feminine hygiene products.  I'm tempted to use them all at once just to see the reaction of the cashier.  Of course that would leave me with a lifetime supply of napkins.  If they track my purchases you'd think that they would be able to figure out that I can't possible redeem all of those coupons.  How many do they think the average female shopper over the age of 45 needs?

Its 16 degrees outside.  It was a beautiful sunny day today, but it was below freezing.  The sun melted much of the snow and ice, and the parking lot steamed under the noon day sun.  Naturally that got me to wondering about my theory on steaming body exhaust.  Without going into too much detail lets just say that sadly, regardly how quickly I spun around following the purge, once again the test was inconclusive.  Tomorrow should be another cold day though and I've got a freezer full of microwavable burritos.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

FORKING MY HAIR, and a snow day for everyone but me.

You know you have really hit rock bottom when the only hair grooming implement you can find at 3 o'clock in the morning is a plastic fork.  Do you know how long it takes to comb hair with a fork?  Well, if its as long as mine it takes exactly 12 minutes!  Grrrrrrrrrr!

Today was a snow day.  Dickidoo and the Oompas had a 2 hour delay.  Today should have been my day off but I had to work... on time... no snow day, no 2 hour delay.  No 'stay home and be safe and warm' day.  Nope, I had to get up at 3am, fork my hair, scrape the snow off my truck and drive to work on snow covered roads because even the snow plow drivers were still tucked in their warm beds at that ridiculous time of the morning.

Tomorrow is my regular day off.  I get to sleep in until 6am.  Woo hoo!  Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

'STAY AWAY FROM THE TREE!', or why Dickidoo has premature gray hair.

I found this video stashed in a Walmart bag with years and years of memories.  Dickidoo took all of the Oompas down to the High School following a light overnight flurry just after Christmas in 2001.  Rocky, who was only 6 at the time, side swiped a tree on her way down.  Miraculously she was unharmed, but poor Dickidoo spent the rest of the day trying to keep the Oompas away from the tree... to no avail.  At one point you can actually see Gabe scoot over at the top of the hill to get closer to the tree.  Rocky was the MVP of the day in her siblings eyes, but I still wince every time I watch this video.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

SLEEPING IN (or not) bubbles and Christmas is coming!

I had today off because one of the ladies at work is on vacation so we had to change our schedules to cover her shift.  I was looking forward to sleeping in this morning.  Unfortunately my brain never got the memo and I was wide awake a few minutes before 3am.  I immediately fell back asleep once I was able to convince my internal clock to shut off, but by 6am I was wide awake again.  Grrrrrrrrrr!  I hate when that happens.

The swimming pool has iced over on the top, I guess that means its about time to empty it for the season.  Dickidoo just cleaned and refilled the hot tub last week and we spent a good part of the morning steeping in its warmth.  He didn't put in any defoamer and after running the jets for a little while, some bubbles began to accumulate on the surface.  'Can you guess which one is mine?'  Dickidoo asked innocently as I jabbed at the larger bubbles to pop them.  It took me a second or two to comprehend just exactly what he was saying... Charming Dickidoo, absolutely charming!

Christmas songs have been playing on the radio for weeks and the Christmas displays went up at work the day after Halloween, but it just doesn't really seem like Christmas to me until I catch my first whiff of fresh cut Christmas trees.  I walked past the garden center and smelled them before I saw them.  The crisp pine scent immediately took me back to Christmas's gone by, and for a moment I was a child again, standing there on the sidewalk with my eyes closed, breathing in the heady scent and sighing happily.  When I opened my eyes I realized that I was not alone but the other shoppers merely smiled with shared appreciation.  I love this time of year.

Friday, November 24, 2006

THANKSGIVING PIZZA, the Broncos and mama's cooking.

 We traditionally celebrate Thanksgiving with a Harvest Feast the day after Thanksgiving so yesterday while the rest of the nation was feasting on turkey with stuffing and giblet gravy, we were gobbling down a hand made pepperoni, sausage, mushroom and red pepperocini pizza at one of the only joints open in Old Colorado City.   The lone worker at the Old Town Pizza shop even invited me to go back and personally choose the toppings for our pizza, what a blast that was.  I want a Blodgette pizza oven!  That sucker gets up to 650 degrees!

And while the rest of the nation was watching the Broncos lose to the KC Chiefs in full living color on the NFL network, I was reading the play by play action, complete with commercial breaks on the laptop while my buddy Howie gave away thousands of dollars to his contestants on 'Deal Or No Deal'.  I'd love to be on that show, but instead of 26 beautiful models in skimpy dresses, I'd want 26 Chippendale-ish models in tank tops and blue jeans.  And I would want to rub Howie's head... not for luck but just because it looks sooooo smooth that I just want to touch it!

Time to get the Oompas up and moving.  They will be doing most of the cooking this year.  Its time to pass on the torch.  Hahaha, that's funny isn't it?  Me teaching culinary arts skills!  Hahahaha!  My mom used to say that she couldn't watch me in the kitchen because I was so reckless and messy.  Not much has changed, at least not for the better... but I still LOVE watching my mom in the kitchen.  I don't know how she does it but that woman has thousands of recipes memorized in that head of hers and I swear she gets them right every single time!  Just don't ask her for a recipe, she can't break it down into measurements.  Its all 'a pinch of this and a handful of that'.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


So much has happened over the past year alone that has given me new reasons to be thankful.  First and fore most I am thankful that my son Gabe is safe in the US, even if just for a short while.  I am thankful that he has maintained a wonderful, loving relationship with his son who lives in another state with his mother.  I am also thankful that what ever hardships I face from day to day, they have all been manageable, and that even in my sadness it is only sadness that is eventually overcome. 

My children are ornery, but loving.  My husband's 'stomach may stick out farther than his dicki-do', but his heart is even bigger.  And while I may not fall anywhere close to the weight guidelines for the average adult of my age and height, I am for the most part healthy and shall quite possibly torment my town with my warped presence for decades to come.

But it goes beyond the usual 'I'm thankful for my family, friends and health' routine.  Don't get me wrong, I am totally sincere in those declarations, but I would be remiss to neglect mentioning a few other reasons I have for being thankful.

I am thankful for my dirty house, for even in its disarray it shelters us from the elements and offers protection from a sometimes dangerous world.  It also shelters the world from us.

I am thankful for running water which I all too often take for granted.  People who know my Oompas should be extra thankful for running water.

I am thankful for 24 roll economy packs of Charmin... I think that needs no explanation.

I am thankful for Folgers in my cup.  Everyone at work is thankful for Folgers in my cup.

I am thankful that we can't afford TiVo because Dickidoo is bad enough now with real time channel surfing.  I would probably have to seriously hurt him if he ever had the ability to not only change channels but to rewind and fast forward as well.

I have always been thankful that odors have no taste.  Sometimes I long for a taste of a fragrant flower, but then one of the Oompas farts or takes off his or her shoes, and then I remember... 'Oh yeah, I sure am glad I can't taste that!'

I'm glad Uncle Sam never married because we owe him enough as it is, goodness knows how much he'd want if he had a wife and kids to support!

I'm thankful that there is no mail delivery on Sundays.  That is the one day of the week that doesn't increase our debt/income ratio.

I am thankful (so VERY VERY thankful) for sleep overs... at other people's houses.

I am thankful for the National No Call list.  I would be extra thankful if politicians would be included in that.

And last but definitely not least, I'm thankful that Al Gore invented the internet so I could start this blog and meet all the very super uber cool people I have here.  Thanks Al, you're the greatest!

Monday, November 20, 2006

BRONCOS and fairies

I am depressed.  The Broncos lost to the Chargers last night.  But that's not why I'm depressed.  I'm depressed because while the Broncos will be playing the Kansas City Chiefs on Thanksgiving, I will not be watching the game.  Why?  Because the game will be broadcast on the NFL Network, which is not included in Basic Cable.  No, that comes with the 'bronze package', which runs another $14 a month.  I think the NFL and the cable company are playing dirty ball just to get more money from the fans, not COOL!

That's okay though, I will give up my hero Champ Bailey for the equally bald and very funny Howie Mandel in a 2 hour special of 'Deal Or No Deal'.  Who knows, this may be the start of a brand new Thanksgiving tradition!

Got a call from Gabe last night.  It doesn't look like he'll be able to make it out here for New Years after all.  He also mentioned that he may be going back out a little bit sooner than we thought.  I hate to admit it, but I'll be so glad when his enlistment is up.  I'd love nothing better than for him to be working back at the boobie bar... maybe even with his little boy living near by too.  (hint hint Kayle!)

The girls have been making little flower petal fairies to give as gifts.  There are fairies every where.  Its like a little fairy infestation.  Too bad neither of them thought to make a 'dirty dish' fairy, or a 'laundry' fairy.  Sure could use a couple of those around this place.

Saturday, November 18, 2006


I've been feeling sorry for Henry, the Goldfish lately.  He needs a mate.  If you've been a reader here for a while you may remember Henry as being a prime suspect from the Great Aquarium Massacre.  (the story begins here and goes on through February 2005). He is the lone survivor from an inter-species school of 9.

How do you tell the sex of a goldfish?  I tried peeking between his fins, but he wouldn't stay still and he stared unblinkingly at me like I was some kind of fish molester.  I didn't want to put another sex-unknown fish in with him for fear of renewed fighting, so I did the next best thing... I bought him some dried baby shrimp!

Henry has never had shrimp before, only flakes, raw venison (which he loves!) and of course his tank-mates, which he also loved.  Shrimp was a new taste sensation for him and after spitting them out a couple of times, he swallowed them whole.

Later, when I walked past his acrylic sided domain, he waved lazily at me.  I placed my finger again the side of the tank in greeting but rather than swimming over, wagging his tail like a puppy as he always does, he merely waved again from the center of the tank.  He was so full he could barely move.

That was when I saw it.

Henry was giving birth!

Wait, Henry COULDN'T give birth, he was by himself and to my knowledge there is no such thing as self impregnating fish.   I moved in closer and the goldfish turned away shyly, giving me a better view...

Congratulations Henry, its a shrimp!

Friday, November 17, 2006

SICK AND TIRED, but mostly just tired.

I couldn't sleep last night.  I kept waking up.  The clock was running slow for some reason and the minutes stretched on for hours.  I finally gave up, reset the alarm for Dickidoo and got up.

I looked like a chihuahua, with big buldgy eyes.  I gulped my coffee like a fish in water, grabbed a granola bar and went to work.

I should have stayed in bed.

I forgot to spackle my face.  Everyone at work thought I was sick.  Good grief, do I really look that bad without make-up?  I'm sorry, but 3am is a little early to be putting mascara on, especially after a sleepless night.  I was just happy that my shoes matched.

My fingers didn't work for most of the day.  Everything seemed to slip right through them.  I spilled coffee on my smock and down the side of my jeans.  I was a mess, but I smelled delicious! 

Barefaced, over tired and under caffeinated.... a very BAD combination.  Fortunately, unlike my alarm clock, the time clock at work was running fast and I made it home safe and sound.  I think I will have another early night this evening. 

Thursday, November 16, 2006


(I wrote and posted this in another blog over a year ago... hmmm, not much has changed really.)

 Wake up... grudgingly, (but then I remember the computer and I bounce out of bed.)

 Do my 'duties' in the bathroom, (quickly because the computer calls to me)

 Turn on the computer (this is a manuvere that can be completed in the dark thanks to a cyber-magnetic homing device in the tip of my right index finger)

 Pour a cup of coffee while waiting for Windows xp to load.  (too bad the computer doesn't load as fast as the coffee brews).

 Log on to AOL.

 Experience a feeling of peace and well being.

 Read e-mails from children who must forward any requests for funding or mediation.  This is the preferred method of communication since volume can be controlled and screen names can be ignored or deleted if need be.

 Read emails from spouse and wonder why he is fwd'ing a link to  Can't he see, I'm too busy to get a job!

  Check my horoscope so I know how I'm expected to behave today.

  Check lotto numbers to see if I'm a multi-millionaire yet.

 Realize that I am NOT a multi-millionaire yet.  Delete shopping cart at Macy's.

 Search for German bbq recipe to use for supper.

 Accept the risk of 7 years bad luck for deleting another Little Tommy chain letter.

 Consider ordering from the spammed penile enlarger catalog and switching them with spouse's One A Day vitamins just to see if it really works. 

 Log off as spouse's car turns up the driveway and turn on dishwasher to simulate work in progress.

 Intercept spouse on landing with beer and a promise to bring supper down while he relaxes on sofa infront of the TV.

 Rush upstairs and toss some frozen hotdogs into a pot on the stove.

 Log back on to AOL.