Wednesday, January 12, 2005


Farts should be visable, so you can see them before you walk into a vapor cloud from one.  And they should be color coded so you know the bad ones from the really choke-you-so-you-can't-breath bad. 

'Tornado watch doesn't mean that you should go outside and watch for a tonado, it means get inside to safety idiots!...' That was my conscience speaking.  I never listen to her anymore.  She's the one who told me that getting married and having kids was a good idea.  She also told me that buying a 5 bedroom house was the answer to our messy, cramped lifestyle.  Now we have a messy lifestyle that fills a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, splitlevel house.

Little Rocky has been following me around the house with an Avon book.  She wants the eyebrow groomer/trimmer because she says she's getting a unibrow.  Of course I say no, 9 is too young to be worrying about unibrows!  To cheer herself up she asks for some coffee.  No, I say, coffee causes unibrows! 

*  I need to go to the store and buy something for dinner, but I figure if I stall, my money will last a little longer.  Thats about as close to a savings plan as I get.

One day little Rocky looked at my husband and made an observation.  'Daddy, your boobies are bigger than mommy's'.

I spend $300+ every two weeks on groceries, thats over $600 a month!  And you know what happens to those groceries after you prepare and eat them right?  They turn into .... oh what the heck... POOP!  I literally spend more than $600 a month on POOP!

Last night, while I was being assaulted by Arts Farts I realized why the good Lord, with his infinite wisdom and whacky sence of humor had invented farts.  It was out of pity for us humans so we wouldn't have to burp and taste something that nasty from our mouth!  I've always referred to farts as 'butt burps', now it all makes perfect sence!  The kids thought I was saying my bedtime prayer.  What I was saying in fact was "Dear Lord, thank you for not giving farts a taste... AMEN!"

Rocky was trying on her new school clothes and came out in some really stylish blue jeans that cost more than what I would ever dream of spending on a pair of my own...  and asked me to help her close the zipper.
'Hmmmmm, ' I say, '
Maybe we should have gotten the next size up.'
Oh no, it fits great,' she says, '
They just made it wrong.... they put the zipper too far apart!'

9 more hours until school starts.  I have organized a district wide celebration that kicks off at 8am tomorrow morning.  Members of the PASV (Parents Against Summer Vacation) will kick their children out of the house with a sack lunch and then gather in the streets to celebrate the start of the new school year.  Teachers across the district will hold a moment of silence to mourn the end of their vacation. 

I collect money.  Not foreign money, not mint condition coins, not the Philharmonic Gold Piece from Monex.  Not even the state quarters.  I collect... other peoples money.

Have you ever played Ker-Plunk.... in the kitchen?  Its like Jenga.... with dirty dishes.  The trick is to extract that utensil or dish without toppling the rest of the stack onto the floor.  The loser cleans up the mess and has to wash the rest of the dishes.

I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle.  I eat faster so that I spend less time eatting, I actually watch WHAT I eat instead of watching TV while I eat,  I watch more sports, and I drink 6.0 beer so I don't have to drink as much to get a buzz.


amy122389 said...

"They just put the zipper too far apart"  hahahahahhaahahahaha....I may have to use that one someday....

piperacharmed1 said... son and boyfriend have burps that smell like farts. Only happens a few times a year...but they get to taste farts in a

articwulf58368 said...

I work at a grocery store... does that mean I sell poop?