Wednesday, June 30, 2004

MIRACLE WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

Today I got on the scale and weighed myself.  No, I'm not going to tell you how much I weigh.  I could but then I would have to kill you, and being as I leave for California in a day and a half I wouldn't have time to kill you all... so lets just not got there, okay?

Soooo, anyhow, I'm on the scale and I don't like the weight it registers.  I call it 'liar', and other 4-letter names, but the needle remains on the same number.  Annoyed, I get off the scale and strip.  I loose 2 pounds instantly and am happy.  Naked, I make the adjustment on my weight log I keep on the vanity cupboard door, written with my eyeliner pencil.  Suddenly my stomach rumbles.  Ah, the daily constitutional!  I sit on my throne and contemplate the day's events.  When I am done I wipe and flush... (unlike the other members of my family I do not suffer from latrinaphobia).  Then, just for a refresher I step back on the scale.  Holy mackeral, I lost another 3 pounds! 

So, here is the secret to Dorn's Miracle Weight Loss Program.  Its very important that you follow ALL of these steps.  Get naked, drop a healthy turd and empty your bladder before weighing yourself!  You'll be amazed by the results!

17 comments:

fuzzypanda68 said...

Literally,ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

Lahoma

hestiahomeschool said...

I once read that the average Asian in China sheds four pounds of stool a day--and the average American just one.  So YOU, my dear friend, are well above average for the average American in feces production!  Congrats!

indigosunmoon said...

Is that all you have to do?  Wow!!!!
I've spend thousands of dollars on
weight loss programs, and all I really
needed was a big ole healthy crap!
LOL
-Connie

gatorspictures said...

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
girl, you ain't right! (and i LOVE it!) c

ryanagi said...

Ha! I knew this particular weightloss secret! I am going to try and coordinate my, uh, evacuation with weigh in day at Curves. LOL Maybe a little raisin bran in the AM...hmm. -B

hebby1021 said...

LMAO OMG too funny!!! I'm gonna have to try it!!!!!
Heather~

beckieramos said...

LOL! Wish it were that easy! god bless, Beckie

cathy0o0 said...

You are a NUT!!!!....lol funny stuff

bigred3392 said...

ROFLMAO! I think I just lost five pounds alone from laughing at this entry. Well done :0)
http://journals.aol.com/bigred3392/steppingstonesandcoffee

angieabk said...

You may not have latrinaphobia but you have some other obsession with toilets and poops..... lol

Funny entry!
angie

ann7inflorida said...

Ummm, so your telling me that you took a 3lb shit ?....(Holy Toledo)- More power to ya!!! ; )

jcgeorgiapeach said...

Simple as that?  And you can literally do that anywhere.  Excellent weight loss plan that you can take (or leave) anywhere.  ~Peachy

angieabk said...

It's been five days since I added a comment to your journal....  You haven't put it any more entries... but my addiction dictates that I should comment anyway....

so..

hi!
angie

gatorspictures said...

:::::::::heavy sigh:::::::::::
i sure do miss your entries, dorn.
i hope you are having a GRAND time, though!!!
hurry home, i need a fix.
c

hestiahomeschool said...

Coooommmmeeee bbbaaaaaccccckkkkk... I am missing you!

glopsblink said...

Hey, I do that (really) to make the number on the scale go down. You sure do loose a lot of weight that way, tehehe..... please come back, I'm having withdrawals.................must......keep........blogging..............

LoL!!! God Bless!!! :D

spurgins311 said...

What a wonderful, brilliant plan. I've used it myself, many times.

Here's what I do. Wake up, eyes still shut basically, I stagger to the scale, located at the foot of my bed for easy access! YIKES.

Weight...no good. Go pee, poop, get even more naked than what I am-hop on that baby one more time, with a hammer laying close by to smash it if nothing happens. See if I made a dent in that #. HOLY CRAP BATMAN...well it was good. : )   I lost 2-3 pounds. OK....my daily routine.

Then go downstairs, pour a BIG glass of milk and get box of chocolate cupcakes, flop in my chair, EAT and rest! TIRED, VERY TIRED.

http://journals.aol.com/spurgins311/SLS/
http://journals.aol.com/spurgins311/LovingIt