I DON'T LIKE SPIDERS OR SNAKES!

Got a call at work from the kids.  'Spiders!' they say, 'Everywhere!'.  'Take them outside' I say.  'Too many, there's like millions and billions!' they say. 

Now its no secret that I do not like spiders.  Daddy-long-legs and jumping spiders are okay, in fact they're just bugs to me.  But those ones with the big fat butts and long fangs and super-glue webs... ewwwwwww!  I didn't used to be this bad, but a few years ago, while picking raspberries in Germany I wandered deep into a thicket in search of the huge succulant berries which were abundant farther in.  When my bucket was full I stood up to make my way back to the path when I spotted a spider leering at me from its web.  I turned to go a different route only to be greeted by another spider.  Then to my horror I realized that I was completely surrounded by the arachnids which seemed to be growing in size even as I stood there frozen in terror.  Fortunately the sound of my scream seemed to immobilize them just long enough for my husband to reach me and guide me out. 

So needless to say I didn't hurry home to assess the spider population at the house but nothing prepared me for what I saw when I got there.  They were everywhere.... tiny ones, coming out from the elk mount's nostril and climbing down the web ladder constructed by the first wave of invaders.  The phone rings.  The spiders have broken its perimeter, I run to find the other one.  Its my husband, the Spider hunter.

'Spiders' I say.  'Everywhere!'  'Take them outside' he says.  'Too many!' I say, 'Millions and billions!'.  He comes home and saves the house from the invasion.  I don't ask what he did, but I know he didn't get them all.  I can feel them watching me, from their lair in the nostril of the elk mount.  I don't sit on that side of the den anymore.  I sit on the other side, watching and listening..... with a can of Raid clutched in my twitching fist.

MAMA ALWAYS SAID....

Although I never would have believed it growing up, my mother was and probably still is the wisest woman I know.  She used to always say things like '2 wrongs don't make a right', and 'Always wear clean underwear when you leave the house just in case you get hit by a car...'.  She always had something perfectly fitting to say at the right time.  With me getting on in age I decided to ask my kids which of my sayings stuck with them the most... just to see what I would be remembered for long after I am gone.  Unfortunately I don't think I will qualify for the 'wisest woman' position because of all the wonderful thoughtful words of wisdom that I share with my children, their favorite is this... "Don't swallow your bubble gum because if you fart you will blow a bubble out your butt!"  My youngest even went so far as to test the theory and informed me that it didn't work.  Unfortunately she had already shared the hypothesis with her classmates and it became an unofficial schoolground science experiment, much to the dismay of many parents who probably would have given their eye teeth to know who had planted that notion in their childrens' mind.  Needless to say I keep a very low profile at that school.  Its not so bad, my youngest only has 2 more years there.

GREEN THUMB

I like the winter, because its the one time of the year when my lawn looks the same as everyone else's.... brown and dead!  People who know me best tend to tease me about my inability to grow things, but they are far from the truth.  Fact is while I may lack the knack for growing horticultural wonders... okay, in plain English, my gardening skills suck!... But, in the kitchen, well, thats a whole different story!  I've sprouted bags and bags of onions and potatoes.  And had the EPA not insisted on removing that bowl from the refrigerator and transporting it to a toxic waste disposal site I'm sure tests would have proven that I had created a new strain of fungus that may even have been the cure for the common  cold.  The notion that I can kill even a plastic plant is purely fictional and has never been proven. (Dry rot doesn't count!)  It is personal preference that I prefer cut flowers to potted plants.  The fact that they are already dead and require no upkeep to stay alive has nothing to do with it.  Besides, how was I to know that you can drown a cactus and dehydrate a lily?

I GOT BROADBAND!

Just had broadband installed.  The guy had a hard time finding the house because the workorder indicated that I lived in a houseboat.  In Colorado?  Not unless this is the Ark, which could be possible considering the number of animals here, but no... this is no houseboat.  So, in preparation for the installation I had to move all the junk from the computer room into my son's bedroom.  Found all kinds of neat stuff that I had forgotten about, for instance I found a futon under the huge mountain of unfolded laundry, and there was a Coca Cola table in the corner behind a wall of boxes and bags.  And.... I kid you not... I almost thanked the guy for installing a new wall outlet by the window only to realize later that the outlet had been there since we had moved in 5 years ago, it had just been hidden behind the curtains the previous owners had left and we had never gotten around to changing.  All this time I had thought we had only one outlet in the room and we had all kinds of extention cords and surge protectors running out of it.  Any how, I was proud of the quick clean up job I had done and was feeling good about it until the guy was ready to leave and had to fill in the time of completion.  Of all the clocks and time pieces I have in this room, not a single one was telling the correct time.  One is still on daylight savings time, one is telling Austrailian time... I think, the kids had taken the batteries out of the Coca Cola Bear clock for their gameboy, and while the hour glass sand was working, its not very precise.  And then, of the million pens and pencils I had picked up off the floor and deposited nicely in the pen and pencil caddy... not a single one worked!  But I think I fooled him into thinking I was a neat and organized homeowner, what do you think?