Wishing everyone who celebrates a safe and happy Halloween. I don't really 'celebrate', but I do take advantage of the occasion to eat candy! Never heard if we could dress up in costume at work so I've decided to opt for a breast reduction so as not to cause too much 'excitement' in the back among the vendors. Instead I've decided to masquerade as Suzy Homemake, the Domestic Diva. Do you think I can imitate domesticity and good manners?
No, they're not real ... yet! Give me a few years. And I swear to goodness if anyone comes up then and askes to feel them like people did last night at the party, I'll deck them! (Unless they're as hot as my mullet head Dickdioo.... hehehehe!)
Did you remember to set your clocks back before you went to bed last night? I didn't. I went to bed almost as soon as I got home from a co-worker's Halloween party, set the alarm and slept quite soundly until the clock radio went off. I went through my routine morning procrastination before finally rolling out of bed 10 minutes later. I dressed, spackled my face, listened to the news while slurping left over coffee, then checked the VCR to see if it was time to heat up Big Red. 4:35? Impossible. It was 5:15 before I even got out of bed. And then it hit me... Daylight Fricken Savings!
So I jumped back into bed for another hour. Woo hoo!
The Broncos played today. Thats all I could think about today while at work... watching the game! I got tied up at the last minute but I still had time to get home and make a sandwich before rushing down to my favorite overstuffed leather chair by the fireplace to watch the game...
Which wasn't on because Dickidoo was channel surfing for the Steelers game. Grrrrrrrr!
So I took my sandwich and headed upstairs to watch the game on the other tv.... the one that Art was playing some stupid video game on.
'Dude, my GAME is on and your dad is watching his game downstairs' I whined.
'Well my game is on too' Art said without even looking up. The other kids half heartedly urged him to let me watch the football game but what can I say... he is his father's son.
So I ran back down stairs with my sandwich with the intention of watching the game stats online while the Steelers played on the Magnavox. I got asfar as turning the laptop when Dickidoo took over. I thought maybe he was going to pull the game up for me but he had Cincinnati on the screen and the tv. Major grrrrrrrrrrr-ness!
By this time I had lost my appetite. So I ran back upstairs, put my sandwich in the fridge and went to the bedroom to listen to the game on the radio's TV band.
At half time Dickidoo came up to inform me that the game was on since nothing else good was on, and that he had actually been trying to pull up the game on the laptop for me when I stomped off but it wasn't being streamed at the time. Okay, maybe I was a little hasty but he didn't say a word at the time, and he waited until halftime to come and tell me that he had changed the channel to the Bronco game. So I cursed the Steelers to lose.
Unfortunately in doing so I made bachi for myself and the Broncos lost as well.
Next week there will be no fight over which game we will be watching because next week is the Bronco / Steeler game. We will call it the Boobidoo / Dickidoo grudge match. May the best equidae win!
I have never heard of anyone dying from eating too many breakfast burritos, but I think I came pretty darn close yesterday. Needless to say, my scientific experiment has been postponed until a new method of acquiring data can be found.
Not good, not good at all.
The weather service had alerted us a couple of days in advance of the approaching winter storm so we were prepared for the blizzard when it arrived early this morning. Any other morning the Oompas would have been looking for reasons to remain in bed, but this morning they were up as soon as it was announced on their clock radios that their school district had called a snow day.
The term 'blizzard' was a bit extreme for what we experienced in our part of town. We got a lot of snow, with a lot of wind, but it passed quickly and the roads are already clear. It should be in the low 50's tomorrow, and in the 60's by Saturday. Yeah, that's my kind of winter storm. You blink and you've missed it!
Today presented ideal weather conditions for my 'steaming gas' experiment. Unfortunately I cannot flatulent at will and found myself completely void of gas. I have re-generated my system with a couple of breakfast burritos but knowing my luck, production will be at its peak tomorrow morning at work when it would not be appropriate to conduct the experiment. I guess the scientific world will just have to wait a little longer for the answer to the age old query: Do farts steam like breath does in cold air? (by the way, in case you ever wondered.... yes, they DO still stink in cold air!)
Dickidoo volunteered to do supper last night. I love when he does supper. It usually means pizza or Chinese take-out. Last night it meant Albertaco's carnitas burritos. I ate my fill and slept well. When I woke this morning I felt light and airy, which is normal after such a great feast followed by a restful sleep, but this was exceptional. It was as if I was walking on air. In fact I looked like a hot air balloon, just barely hoovering over the ground. It wasn't until this afternoon before I finally came in for a landing, and believe me... it was hard and fast! Phew! Love them Albertaco carnitas burritos, but man does the state's air quality index suffer after I eat them.
Question of the day: Do you flatulate in public or do you run to the bathroom to fumigate? Do you just let one rip or do you leak them out while making a hasty retreat, hoping that nobody comes up behind you while you're fumigating? When you sound off in the presence of company, do you excuse yourself or do you proudly exclaim 'Woooweeee! Dang, I don't remember it smelling that bad when I ate it!' When someone else poots, do you politely ignore it, or do you pinch your nose and ask 'Yeow! What climbed up your butt and died?' Do you accommodate your body's natural reflex or do you keep it pent up, pinching it back until you can't hold it back any more while running to the bathroom? Do you take proud ownership for your creation or blatantly lie and try to blame it on your pet or someone else in the room?
I have found that over the years my attitude towards public flatulation has changed. Growing up, farts were always a source of embarrassment. I remember Daddy always blaming his squeakers on an imaginary dog named 'Snippy'. He'd peer under the table, scolding 'Snippy', and stupid me would always look under the table, hoping to get a glimpse of this elusive, gaseous canine but only getting a nose full of last night's left overs. I would always release my gas in the bathroom and mask the odor with air freshener. It wasn't until I met my Baban that I discovered that farts could be fun. She had no inhibitions, she'd crack them as they came.
Now I find myself striving for a record breaking longest blast. I'm still experimenting to see if the heat of the vapors produce steam in the winter. I've not been able to spin around fast enough after purging yet and far there have been no volunteers to help me in this experiment.
A young man once told me 'I don't fart, I burp!'. I then turned to his girlfriend (my sister... hehehehe) and asked her 'And you kiss him?' Ewwwww!
A co-worker proudly proclaimed after a loud belch 'Better to burp and taste it, Than to fart and waste it!' Again, Ewwwwww!
There's a reason gas is expelled from the butt and the butt points in the opposite direction from the nose. I am no longer embarrassed by farts but lets face it, there is only one good thing about farts and that is that they don't have a taste! Nor can the smell be transferred over the internet, and YOU can thank your lucky stars for that one because otherwise you might find yourself a little breathless right about now.
The Bronco's won yesterday's game against the Cleveland Browns. I try not to get too excited about a Cleveland win. The team isn't the brightest in the league. They're called the 'Browns', and yet their helmet is orange.... duh! They look like giant Tootsie Rolls on the field! I'm sorry, but if after all these years they still can't tell the difference between orange and brown, then they deserve to lose. And my Bronco's don't mind it one bit! Dickidoo is all salty because the Pittsburg Steelers lost in overtime. They deserve to lose also, because they kicked the Broncos out of the playoffs last year, so neeeener neeeener neeeener!
I've been dreading the onset of winter mostly because I thought I'd have to get up even earlier to scrape the ice off my truck windows. Ironically I have discovered that 3:30 in the morning is even too early for Jack Frost, and most mornings I can get by with just running the defroster. There's no doubt that its winter though, my snot will still freeze in just the space of time that it takes to get from the porch to the cab of Big Red.
My paycheck is already shot. Between the cellphone bill, back taxes (yep, I'm still paying on them!), gas for my truck and groceries, I am left with $7 in my checking account. Actually that's about the norm for me. I guess that would explain why, despite the competitive dividends offered by my Credit Union, that particular column on my statement remains blank. I actually laughed out loud when our tax preparer asked if I had any dividends to claim! I found out that I'm due some back pay from when I got promoted to this new job, that will be nice when it comes in. But it still won't bring me any dividends.
Have you ever analyzed what you spend your money on? I mean REALLY analyze your expenses? Dickidoo takes care of all of the household expenses since he makes 3 times more than I do. He has dividends. I pay the cellphone bill, the back state taxes, I gas up my own truck and I purchase the groceries. Groceries... I spend about $250 every two weeks to feed my family. At the end of the two weeks there is no trace of that $250, no evidence that it ever even existed. Why? Because that $250 got eaten, digested and then flushed down the toilet, that's why. So more accurately, every two weeks I spend $250 on turds! So, to recap, I work to pay taxes on what I earn, to put gas in my truck so I can get to my job to earn this money so I can pay taxes on it, and to pay for the cellphone my husband never answers, and to keep in touch with Oompas who only seem to come home to deposit their $250 turds. Hows that for a new perspective on life!
The call came in last night after I had already gone to bed, but I was awake, and when nobody came up to give me the news, I grabbed my cellphone in the dark and sent a text message to the phone Art and Becca had. Becca texted back immediately.
Mesa Ridge High School Marching Band and Color Guard placed 7th in the state! I don't know who was more excited, the Oompas or me!
Art made some goofy challenge to the other band members... if they made it to the State Finals he would cut his hair. Fortunately he didn't specify a length so he will only trim about 6 inches off. He doesn't mind though because Wow! 7th Place! The school has never made it past the quarter finals in their 9 year history. The kids all worked so hard for this competition, but a stark reality is that if Art hadn't gone to school sick on the day before the quarter finals, he would not have been eligible to participate in the competition, thus disqualifying the school from the entire championship. Thats a heavy load to place on a kid, but he toughed it out and the school was able to show the rest of the state just what they are made of.
Yay Mesa Ridge Grrrrrrrizzzzzlies!
The fashion industry has finally given in to pressure from the health community as more and more agencies are banning overly thin models in favor of more curvacious and meaty models. And there are none more curvacious and meaty than I. Add a little botox to the lips and Presto Amazo! I am.... the next Super Model! With my Chunky Hunk Dickidoo by my side we shall surely be the Hottest Couple on the Planet.
For those of you who were not blessed with natural fluffiness, the up coming holiday season is sure to get you into shape. Need a little jump start? How about pumpkin pie fudge! Becca brought me home a piece she got on a field trip and its to die for, and a sure fire way to tip the scales in your favor towards a new curalicious you! Can't find it in your neck of the woods? Just google 'pumpkin fudge' for several different recipes. Jello pudding just came out with pumpkin pudding, I picked up a couple of boxes to try. And Coffeemate has a Pumpkin Pie Creamer that is pretty tasty as well. Yes, these are all just as rich as they are yummy, but remember... Fat is the new Thin!
Art and Becca have made it to the State Finals with their marching band. They compete again this evening at 5:30. This is the first year in the marching band for both of them. They have been practicing so hard and have sacrificed so much over the past months. They have missed out on parties and outings. They missed hot meals and weekends just to play around. They've had to endure months of their mother whining about how she never gets to see them anymore except to drive them to and from practice. Even if they come away without placing this evening, they are already winners because they have achieved so much in so little time. Oh how I wish I could be there to cheer them on in person! I know I won't be able to sleep tonight until I hear the results. Until then I shall keep my fingers crossed, and my toes crossed, and my arms and legs, and even my eyes crossed! Go Mesa Ridge Grrrrrrizzzzlies! Go Becca! Go Art! Woo hoo!
Either my spelling has improved and I haven't made one single mistake in this entry, or the Spell Check is still on the fritz. I suspect the latter. Perhaps the Spell Checker got a pink slip during the latest down sizing. Sure was sorry to hear about the recent lay-offs, and what sucky timing, just before the holidays. I sincerely wish all of the former AOL employees the best of luck. I guess someone had to pay for our free service, I just wish it didn't have to be that way.
Oh, and one more thing before I forget because I know you all WANT to know...
With Halloween close on our heels I have decided to share a few real life spooky stories with you. First and foremost let me say that Yes, Virginia, there are ghosts! I do believe in them, I've just never seen one myself nor been presented with any concrete physical evidence to prove their existance.
Why do I believe? Well, initially it was because my parents told me so. Okay, they didn't actually say 'Jo, ghosts are real.' What they said was more like 'Jo, we came home one night in 1950 something when we lived in San Diego and found all the books from the bookshelf strewn all over the staircase.'
I know what you're thinking.... California... earthquakes.... books fell off bookshelf and down the stairs....
Except for the simple fact that the book case was at the foot of the stairs and the books had fallen 'up the stairs'.
So anyhow, while my parents never actually said that the apartment was haunted and ghosts had tossed the books up the stairs, I was convinced that it was a haunting because my parents would never lie. Exaderate maybe, but never lie...
Of course that happened long before I was born, but the story ignited the ghost hunter in me and in time I would become the leading authority on ghosts and the supernatural on the school yard.
And in the house.
I once trapped a ghost in the wardrobe in our house in Scotland and arranged a close encounter for my baby sister. Okay, not really, but there could have been a ghost in there, so I helped her into the wardrobe, told her to be very quiet.....
And then I slammed the door and locked it!
She never saw the ghost because she didn't follow my directions. She did not keep very quiet. She screamed and screamed and screamed until Mama came and rescued her. I thought Mama would be more understanding, having been in the presence of a ghost herself. She was not!
I also convinced my brother of the existence of polterguists and he eventually befriended one he came to refer to as 'Ghoster'. I guess there weren't very many Specteral Fast Food joints around back because my brother insisted on feeding Ghoster, who had a special liking for peanut butter and mashed potatoes. Being as we had no dishes appropiate for feeding the supernatural, George would dig holes in the plaster walls with a spoon and fill the holes with his offerings.
I'm not sure what drove me to dig the decomposing offerings out the first time, but it made a believer out of my brother and he continued to drill new holes and stuff them with more potatoes and peanut butter. Naturally I had to keep up the charade, encouraging his link to the supernatural. Mama was getting suspicious though. How did all those holes get in the walls, and is that peanut butter in them?
Do I still believe in ghosts? Yes. Do I have proof? No. Perhaps I just want to believe. Perhaps they exist and I just haven't been lucky enough to see them. Goodness knows I've photographed scores of orbs. Maybe they really are spirits! And sometimes, some nights... I swear someone or something is touching me... but I can't open my eyes or move. I can feel fingers, I can feel pressure (or maybe its just gas...) but I'm caught in that shadowy area between sleep and awake when the mind is aware but the body will not respond to the brain's commands. Someone told me that it is actually a sleep disorder, but I know better. Its a ghost who wants me... one with very bad gas!
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Becca just called from Fort Collins. The Mesa Ridge Marching Band is currently #1 in the state following the quarter finals! Tomorrow morning they compete in the semi-finals, and hopefully the finals after that! Rocky explained that since the school is relatively new, it hasn't enough accumulated points to make it to the Nationals but thats okay because WOW! Go Grrrrrrizzzzlies!
And while we're on the subject of 'grrrrrrr', once againmy spell check has defected so let me just remind you all that the Vivi awards are not based on spelling and grammar skills. Grrrrrrrrrr!
I just put nail polish on my fingers, can you tell that I am typing prettier? Well, I am. I'm even holding my little pinkie fingers out like a prim and proper lady. Why am I getting all gussied up you ask?
Because I have been nominated for an AOL Journals Vivi Award, thats why!
And what exactly is a Vivi Award?
The Vivi Awards (named after AOL's Journal Pioneer and Fairy Godmother/Queen Vivian) are awards given to Bloggers by their peers for Achievement and Excellence.
Okay, thats not the actual, official description, I just made it up based on myself.....
But it is a Readers Choice thing, and a blogger or blog can only make the ballot if they had been nominated by a fellow blogger. The categories are few and the competition tough.
Last year I was nominated for and won for the Best Family Journal. My litter of Oompas have since mutated and are no longer Family Value Poster Children so my blog 'Dust Bunny Club of North America' has instead been nominated in the 'Humorous' category. And as I pointed out in the preceding paragraph, the competition is really tough so unless my Dust Bunnies all manage to sign up for AOL accounts in time to cast their votes I doubt I shall be hanging another Vivi Medallion on my side bar.
Too bad there wasn't a 'Most Dustball' category, or 'Most Entries about Flatulance and Other Bodily Functions'. I would be a shoo in for either of those awards.
Oh well, its not about winning, its about the journey that got us here in the first place. (my PR manager told me to write that).
For the blogger who nominated me, Thanks! To all of my loyal readers who are going to vote for me (hint hint!) Thanks also. To those of you who have never been here but just came to check me out through the link on the Nomination blog... vote for me and I will kiss your baby, or your dog, or your baby and your dog... or your baby dog... I don't care, I'll kiss what ever I have to for your vote. And for my opponents who have come by to spy on the Dust Bunny campaign.... I know where you blog! Hehehehehe!
Seriously though, I appreciate the nomination and am tickled pink from my freshly polished fingernails right down to my font color.
For a list of nominees for each of the categories click here: 2006 VIVI AWARD JOURNAL . There are some great journals there. Pick a link, any link... even one you've never visited before. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
Congratulations and good luck to all of the Vivi nominees.
While the high country has already seen enough snow this year to open the ski slopes, yesterday brought the first snowfall for my area in the foothills. Poor Dickidoo was just trying to get home before the road conditions worsened when we passed this statue in town and I went on and on (and on and on!) about what a perfect picture it would make. Just to shut me up he went around the block and parked nearby so I could get my picture of the day. I get a chill even now just looking at it. Brrrrrrrr!
I don't know what those guys ate at elk camp, but Dickidoo's flatulation factory is in rare form. He's killing us all here at the house. The only one safe is Henry the Goldfish who is protected from air pollution by the water in his aquarium. Of course what would he know, he swims around quite happily in his own pee....
"Yawn"
So... having read that word, do you feel the sudden urge to yawn? I had a big discussion yesterday at work about yawning. And during the entire conversation, everyone within earshot kept yawning uncontrollably. My theory is that not only is the actual witnessing of the act of yawning contagious, but even the mere thought or mention of the word can trigger a spontaneous reaction. Hmmmm, something to think about.... (yaaaaaaaaa-wn)
Nap time I think....
It was 10 pm before I got in touch with my parents on Sunday evening. Their only real problem was the power outage which lasted for about 10 hours. As suspected, that didn't even slow them down. Mama found a little propane burner and was cooking on that, Daddy monitored the Emergency Radio Band, and my brother did 'emergency civil defence repairs'. The rain and humitity seemed to be the bigger issue, which is usually always the case anyway.
Art and Becca's marching band made it to the State Semi-Finals, which will be held at Fort Collins this weekend. So far their High School ranks 7th overall in their division. Go Mesa Ridge Grizzlies.... GGRRRRRRRRRRRR! (I'm soooo proud of my Little Oompas!)
Dickidoo came home from Elk Camp early... with an ELK! Yahoo! It was a very decent sized cow elk (female). He had to quarter it up (cut it in fourths) to pack it out from the area he shot it, and now it is aging in our second refrigerator down stairs. Looks like we'll be feasting on elk stew through the winter after all... darn, and I was so looking forward to beans and weenies till spring!
I just got home and switched on the news... only to hear that Hawaii was hit by a 6.3 earth quake this morning. No reported injuries or deaths, so there is some relief, but my brother lives on the Big Island, right next to the epicenter of the quake, and my parents and sisters live on Oahu, which has lost electricity and phone service. I'm sure they're fine, but I'd feel a lot better if I could actually hear their voices say so.
Its hard not to panic, listening to the urgency in the voices of the reporters, but the whole Islander Mentality is so different there. Everything is so laid back and they run on Island Time, which is typically almost always late. They never panic over anything there, they just take everything in stride and in their own time.
Having said that... Mom, Dad, Naomi, Vina, George... someone, anyone... give me a call when you can, k? I'm sitting here worrying my butt off and you guys are probably all just sitting around the table, talking story and waiting for the electicity to come back on. Mama's probably already planning on what she can cook on the hibachi, Daddy's most likely waiting impatiently for the power to return to his computer while listening to his battery operated emergency band radio. I can almost hear Naomi's voice, which speeds up when she gets excited. Vina... she's probably fussing because her husband is probably thinking about driving down to the beach to check out the waves. And if George hasn't been called in to work (he works for the Hilo PD), he'll probably be turning the whole situation into an adventure for my young neices and nephew.
And I'm worried about them? Heck yes.
CALL ME, GUYS!
Its the second day of elk camp..... and I'm loving it! I have the bed to myself, well, almost to myself. Rocky sneaked in sometime last night but she's not the bed hog she used to be and she doesn't snore like Chewbacca so I hardly even noticed her there. And being as today is National Dessert Day, we celebrated by endulging in a half gallon of Blue Bunny Cappuccino Fudge Blitz ice cream.
While the stress level of my job has almost completely dissipated, there is one thing that remains unchanged. The automated lavatories continue to harass my hiney. I used to think it coincidental but after yesterday I have come to believe that it is personal. After reluctantly using stall number 3 and trying without success to beat the automatic flusher, I dried off, gathered what was left of my dignity and exited the stall. Then, almost in spite, the toilet flushed again! And as I passed the next two stalls those toilets activated as well... even though they were vacant! Unbelievable! Coincidence? I think not! I think there is an Automatic Toilet Fairy with a very warped sense of humor.
Do you have a favorite movie for the various holidays? I do. We always start off the Christmas season with at least one viewing of 'The Christmas Story' and the original 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'. And my all time favorite Halloween movie is 'Hocus Pocus'! To be honest, I watch that movie all year round! I think I must have been a Sanderson Sister in a past life. Any how, the movie is about to begin and Rocky is adamant that I watch it with her. I probably won't last through the whole movie since I have to work in the morning, but not a problem, I'll just watch it again tomorrow!
It has been a couple of weeks since my last entry which has caused a little concern among my regular visitors. For that I humbly apologize. Really, I and my family are all fine.
So what was it that has kept this addicted blogger from flying to the keyboard with a daily dose of nonsense? I guess you could say that life finally caught up with me, holding a big banner that read 'Hey Stupid, you're not getting any younger so get used to it!'. So..... I took a nap, and it felt so good that the following day, and the days following, I took even longer naps. I'd like to say that I woke up from said siestas feeling revitalized but that really isn't the case. Most of my snoozes were interrupted several times by the telephone or doorbell, and more often than not I had at least one of my 3 school aged Oompas at home sick. But I will say that I woke feeling capable of keeping up with the rat race I call 'life', so all is good.
I love my new job at the store. I check in local vendors who deliver their product to the store rather than go through the out-of-town distribution center. I count Zingers. And Beer! How cool is that? Never in my life did I think I would get a raise to count Zingers and beer.
I have a slow leak in my left front tire. I still haven't been able to locate the source of the leak so I just keep filling the tire up every week or so. I drive on one cheek, leaning to the right as if shifting my weight might slow the leak down a bit. It hasn't yet, but at least I feel a little pro active. I need to find that leak before my tire blows. I really hate driving any more now days. I need a chauffeur.
Today is my day off but I still found myself waking up at around 3am. And at some time during the night Dickidoo left and Chewbacca took his place in my bed, making all kinds of gosh awful noises that pretty much eliminated any hopes of falling back to sleep. This weekend he takes off for elk camp in a final attempt to fill the freezer. I'm sure I will miss him a some point in time, but it won't be while I'm trying to get some sleep.
And now, for the answer to the question I know you all have been dying to know.........
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