Tuesday, October 24, 2006

SIMPLY BREATHTAKING

Dickidoo volunteered to do supper last night.  I love when he does supper.  It usually means pizza or Chinese take-out.  Last night it meant Albertaco's carnitas burritos.  I ate my fill and slept well.  When I woke this morning I felt light and airy, which is normal after such a great feast followed by a restful sleep, but this was exceptional.  It was as if I was walking on air.  In fact I looked like a hot air balloon, just barely hoovering over the ground.  It wasn't until this afternoon before I finally came in for a landing, and believe me... it was hard and fast!  Phew!  Love them Albertaco carnitas burritos, but man does the state's air quality index suffer after I eat them.

Question of the day:  Do you flatulate in public or do you run to the bathroom to fumigate?  Do you just let one rip or do you leak them out while making a hasty retreat, hoping that nobody comes up behind you while you're fumigating?  When you sound off in the presence of company, do you excuse yourself or do you proudly exclaim 'Woooweeee!  Dang, I don't remember it smelling that bad when I ate it!'  When someone else poots, do you politely ignore it, or do you pinch your nose and ask 'Yeow!  What climbed up your butt and died?'  Do you accommodate your body's natural reflex or do you keep it pent up, pinching it back until you can't hold it back any more while running to the bathroom?  Do you take proud ownership for your creation or blatantly lie and try to blame it on your pet or someone else in the room?

I have found that over the years my attitude towards public flatulation has changed.  Growing up, farts were always a source of embarrassment.  I remember Daddy always blaming his squeakers on an imaginary dog named 'Snippy'.  He'd peer under the table, scolding 'Snippy', and stupid me would always look under the table, hoping to get a glimpse of this elusive, gaseous canine but only getting a nose full of last night's left overs.  I would always release my gas in the bathroom and mask the odor with air freshener.  It wasn't until I met my Baban that I discovered that farts could be fun.  She had no inhibitions, she'd crack them as they came. 

Now I find myself striving for a record breaking longest blast.  I'm still experimenting to see if the heat of the vapors produce steam in the winter.  I've not been able to spin around fast enough after purging yet and far there have been no volunteers to help me in this experiment.

A young man once told me 'I don't fart, I burp!'.  I then turned to his girlfriend (my sister... hehehehe) and asked her 'And you kiss him?'  Ewwwww!

A co-worker proudly proclaimed after a loud belch 'Better to burp and taste it, Than to fart and waste it!'  Again, Ewwwwww!

There's a reason gas is expelled from the butt and the butt points in the opposite direction from the nose.  I am no longer embarrassed by farts but lets face it, there is only one good thing about farts and that is that they don't have a taste!  Nor can the smell be transferred over the internet, and YOU can thank your lucky stars for that one because otherwise you might find yourself a little breathless right about now.

14 comments:

plittle said...

Ah, the old Dorn is back!
-Paul
http://journals.aol.ca/plittle/AuroraWalkingVacation/

deshelestraci said...

Hilarious!  I tend to let them sloooowly out.  Never do I run for the bathroom.  I leave quickly after they have left the rumpus.  Hopefully no one has caught on yet!
Traci

midwestvintage said...

Excuse me, I am laughing too hard to comment, my incisions are killing me, you're killing me.   Sob

                      Julie

mzgoochi said...

my granny would give herself belly aches because she was ashamed to pass gas. even if no one was around she still wouldn't because someone could walk in and smell it. if one slipped out and you let on like you knew it was her, she'd get fighting mad.

i don't know if that had anything to do with it but she died of stomach cancer.

when cameron and i were living with his Dad it was considered rude and we were to excuse ourselves.

Now, it's hilarious and there's been times I literally cried from laughing at Cameron telling me about lighting his farts or farting from one room to another non stop.

my only fart rules are if you're with me in public, don't fart. I don't care if you are willing to claim it. LOL And no farting at or near the table or in the truck. :)

jckfrstross said...

lol you crack me up:) yes we here in lafayette think its funny but my grandparents see no humor in farts. You could be behind them or in the same room and they would fart but you didn't dare laugh of course that made it worse. now a days it all laughter. have a good week

Deb

swmpgrly said...

Lol funny you should mention this.
I had broccoli and cheese soup yesterday and tried the let it leak out and make a hasty retreat  but a co worker said man what did you have for lunch...lol

sdoscher458 said...

Funny lady.  In my mother's day it was considered rather inappropriate for a lady to even acknowledge that she had bodily functions, much less that she actually passed gas!  My mother told me she used to run to the bathroom, whenever she felt the urge to fart.....she became much more relaxed after she met my Dad - he never cared who what where or when - and the louder the better!  I think it's actually healthy to pass it..LOL>..Sandi http://journals.aol.com/sdoscher458/LifeIsFullOfSurprises

glensfork4 said...

Jody-I am in my chairing just laughing hysterically!! Why hide it, everybody does it! They just won't admit it. In my house the loudest is the winner!! Do arm farts count? My Ms Bobbi does those the best.
Michele
http://journals.aol.com/glensfork4/these-are-my-thoughts/

princesssaurora said...

Oh yeah... farting is good.  As Shrek, the Great and Wise Farter stated, 'Better out than in!'

be well,
Dawn

cmarlow330 said...

ROFLMAO!

GOD you crack me up Jo

lol yeah im the one that usually runs to my room or bathroom to lol well..... not putting it nicely FART LOL hahahahaha.. Do I RARELY let it out lol .. if I do its one of those farts that i dont feel coming on lol and it just randomly pops out hahaha


CM

mumma4evr said...

At school, they were always complaining of the smell in the bathrooms...so I started letting out the farts in the class and it was decided that it was better to leave them int he bathroom!
Becky

hestiahomeschool said...

OK, you met me in real life...what do you think???

We are farters...

wumzels2 said...

i never thought i would be discussing expulsion of flatulance over the internet, but here goes.................

i am a sales associate/cashier/area manager at my work.  most of the time i am stuck at a register, thus no time to go to the bathroom for gas-passing or anything else.  since there are usually a lot of children coming through the line with their parents, "letting it rip" hasn't been a problem..........the parents always think it is their children.........or the child of the parent that just checked out.  i don't say a word and let them think what they may.  i also try to walk away from people when i feel an eruption coming...........and hope they don't follow me.  one of my co-workers was trying to tell me something one night, and i kept walking further away and they got closer and closer.  then when i finally couldn't keep the stopper in anymore, it escaped and man-o-man.................whew................it was silent but deadly..............and when my co-worker said "oh my gosh........that is horrible!  how could you??!!" i told them i tried my darndest to walk away, so it was their fault their olfactory glands were assaulted.................

i made some great homemade chili the other night and someone at work came by and gave me some pizza they had left over from cici's, so believe me, no one wants to get anywhere near me.............does this make me an official oompah???  i guess not, since i am over 50.............sigh

i have always called farts "rejected burps" and vice versa.  i think i would opt for a rejected burp anytime..................

may the "force be with you" and may your days be hazy green...............

luff ya,

regina

bgilmore725 said...

Eewwwwwww!

Bea