Friday, December 28, 2007

IF THE INTERNET ISN'T REAL, then why do I hurt so bad?

I think I have lost at least 10 pounds in tears this week.  But that's not all I've lost.  I've lost... WE'VE lost... two very special women.  Online they were known as mzgoochi and demandnlilchit.  In person they were Lahoma and Kimberleigh.  In my heart they were my friends.

The death of an Internet friend is hard to deal with because there is nothing to hold on to.  Individuals are separated by miles and miles of cable.  Often times family members who might otherwise know a neighborhood or workplace friend are unaware of cyber friendships and therefore are untouched by the loss.

I hurt.  I hurt so bad.  I want to scream.  I want to run as fast and as far as I can to get away from the reality.  I want so bad for someone to say 'Oops, sorry, they aren't really dead... my bad!'  Its happened before, I wouldn't mind if it happened now.  I would love for it to happen now.

Nobody has come forward to admit to a hoax.  I can wait.  I don't mind.  Please, someone come forward and admit to a hoax.

Please....

My brain is in defensive mode.  My heart is locking down.  No more friends.  No more caring for silly nonsensical names@aol.com.  And just maybe I won't hurt so bad ever again.

No...

I have met so many wonderful, precious people... REAL people here online.  I am richer for knowing them.  I cannot turn my back and heart on them, on you.

I just wish it didn't hurt so much to let go when one must leave this world.

God speed Lahoma.  God speed Kim.  I hope to see you both again.  Till then, missing you so much,

Dorn~

25 comments:

buggieboo1 said...

{{{Dorn}}}  I know I am still hurting too! I was starting to think I wasn't normal for feeling so blue over 2 people I never met in real life! It still hurts the same!  It sure was a sad week in j-land!


Sharon

deshelestraci said...

I didn't know Lahoma and only lurked on Kim's journal with a few comments.  But boy, they were special people.  I'm sorry you are hurting.
Traci

imshadowraven2 said...

I dont know what to say i have been reading Kim's journal for a long time now. And emailing with her for a long time before she became ill. I have been thinking about her for the past couple of weeks alot. The tears fall and i find it hard to breathe oh her poor kids and hubby i hope they find peace .

rbrown6172 said...

oh i do understand.  i didn't know lahoma but had been following kim's journey.  i am soooo sad...so very, very sad.  i just find it amazing how much we touch one another through our journals. i just feel a sisterhood...a connection with so many of the women here, and when one is suffering/hurting, i feel it too.  {{{dorn}}}
gina

sdoscher458 said...

Dorn, my friend, I've crying torrents of tears....the feelings we feel are real, rock solid not just some radio signals channeling thru the net, bouncing from one server to another. I think back to that first year anniversary that we had here, all the chatter back and forth, the im's, the start of the cafe...the laughter that ensued. These women were pure gold as friends go. They didn't ask anything of you but for you to accept them as they were, flaws, faults, tempers; it was all good. Lahoma needed so much to be loved by the world, to make up for the rotten childhood that she had...and I believe in my heart that she knew just how much we loved her. Kim had the heart of a lioness and her written words just took you in and opened her soul for all to see. I loved them both, I will remember them till the day I die and I will remember them kindly. I figure as polar opposites go they are walking holding hands through God's garden just about now...and Kim is mad because she doesn't have her camera with her. I love you too, many people do...we are in a circle of life that unfortunately does end at certain times...but we will all meet again, I believe it.....love, Sandi

mawmellow said...

I was friends in REAL life with Kim.  She was a beautiful person.....as all of journal land knew.  I didn't know Lahoma.  I am sorry to hear that you're hurting, too.  God Bless you.  

justplainbill said...

Jodi. I was a dedicated reader of Kimberleigh's journal and like all of her readers I fell in love with her. I am tearing up again.
You did a good job of expressing the feelings that so many of us have. Kim would ( or maybe will ) enjoy reading this post It is a tribute to her.

Have a Great New year, Bill

jckfrstross said...

we have lost so many this year:( but my life has been so much richer for knowing these wonderful ladies their courage in the face of cancer is an example of a sharing and caring i have never seen before. God be with the families

Deb

princesssaurora said...

I know, Jody.  I know.  I still can't wrap my mind around it either.  I even emailed with Kim's sister, and it still does not seem real.  It just doesn't.  I cry every time I read a nice comment in my journal.  I am a mess.  Makes you want to run... but I can't!  I love you all too much!

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

wumzels2 said...

i, too, have cried myself to sleep since Christmas night.  as internet friends, we sometimes hold out for that chance to actually meet the people we see online.  part of my hurt comes from knowing that now i will never meet either of these women......at least not here on earth.  i feel the same as you, dorn.  i was so hoping that this was one of those times someone had gotten the facts wrong.  but knowing nelishia, who lives here in georgia as i do, and knowing she was stating pure truth, i knew it was true.  lahoma had passed......then my UK friend, jeannette, broke the news of kim.  it was too much to bear.  i broke down and cried for 2 days straight.  upon reading your entry, once again the tears began.  know that so many share the grief that you feel.

regina

onehenn3chicks said...

All I can do is send a hug.  :-(

(((HUGS)))


Amy

astaryth said...

I agree with you.... the hardest part about the internet is that you -do- make connections and you -do- think of these electronic signals as people and you -do- come to care about them. It is hard because you don't get the usual closure of a funeral, or hugging other friends/family members. You feel the sadness, but don't have any outlet other than an entry in your own journal.

I was a reader/friend of Kim before she became sick, and rode out each high and low with her. I never gave up hope she would beat this thing..... but as each treatment quit working I became more fearful we were losing her, especially as the entries became more sporadic....

My heart is sore.........

mumma4evr said...

understanding the pain...and hating it so very much!!
Becky

chat2missie said...

My husband tells me all the time, how can you get so personal with these people online?  I tell him it's easy.  We read about each other's lives daily and it's like we're there with them. I cried a lot this week too.
Missie

mpnaz58 said...

For us, in the cyber world, the grief is so harder to deal with.  We can't go to a service, see the family, participate in the closure that all of it brings.  We just deal with it quietly, in our own way.  Missing the alerts.  Missing the entries.  I'm with you...it hurts.
xoxo ~Myra

mutualaide said...

The permanent loss of our cyber friends through death hurts --- and the missing them just ....  sucks.

With you in sadness J ... and wish I could give you a real hug.  

yankeeatheart79 said...

I couldn't agree more Dorn!  It is real, that's what I have been telling people all along, real people, real friends, it doesn't matter if you have met face to face, there are still real feelings...real people...real frienships.  We lost to very real and genuine women...two amazing women who were so strong, and we are all better for knowing both of them.

inquestoftruth said...

I read Kim's journal, but I didn't hear about Lahoma until she was with Kim.   Kimberleigh was just such a special person, and I can't believe she's gone.  So sad.
~Meg

swmpgrly said...

Its funny how attached we all become to each other in here.

rgossett4195 said...

I read the news while on vacation.  I am heartbroken...these precious ladies are real, very real, and our pain is too.  I feel your pain hon, I truly do.  rose

plittle said...

  Your headline sums up my feelings when Pamela died last year. Our friendships on this here interwurb thingy sneak up on us. I was not as close to either Lahoma or Kim, but did interact with them a bit, and it is a sad thing for J-land to lose either of them, and both at the same time is a gut wrenching blow.
-Paul
http://journals.aol.ca/plittle/AuroraWalkingVacation/

roxzee1 said...

I just back from Christmas vacation and learned of Kim's passing. I cried my eyes out. I didn't know Kim...but I knew about Kim through her on line blog.She was such a brave sweatheart, with a tremendous sense of humor. She gave me courage and lots of smiles when I needed both. It was nice to hear someone else talk about the loss of those we have grown to love on line and how real it is to US. Thank you so much! I to am grieveing the loss of Kim. Bless you dornbrau!
Roxie

stacyashirley said...

Wow-I haven't been here (j-Land) in a while so in one day I have had to learn of 3 deaths in the matter of minutes. Ugh! I can't believe it! I read Pam's journal and Kim's a little too and Lohoma helped me figure something out one time when I was a newbie. It is so sad. God has His way of working and sometimes it just sucks doesn't it? I haven't been around for a while but recognize so many journalers and can see the ties have only grown stronger. I am so glad to be coming back.
http://journals.aol.com/stacyashirley/ALifeWithoutLimits/
aka JBenjack

I know it is corny, but time does heal all wounds. It is just that time thing that is hard:(

jouell3935 said...

I am with you on this feelings...

Peace
Jodi

glopsey said...

WAIT! Lahoma is dead?! I've really been out of the journaling loop for so long. Probably won't write again in a blog, but still.... Lahoma is gone?! Was it cancer, or something else?! Can you send me a little clarification?

Also, after reading quite a bit of your blog, I realized how much I miss it! You're still funny!