CHAT ROOMS

I went to the Journals Cafe chatroom earlier and after I logged out I peeked at all of the other chatrooms listed.  I was amazed by the many different topics listed.  The Abducted by Aliens chatroom caught my attention so I clicked on it.  The topic of the night, subterrainian gerbils, and by subterrainian I mean as in human anatomy.  Needless to say I didn't stick around to see what else those aliens were up to.  My next stop was the Elvis Sightings room.  Apparently the only ones who were sighting him at the moment were young teenagers who couldn't spell anything over 4 letters long and probably had no idea who Elvis was let alone what he looked like to be able to sight him.  My final stop, Pets.  Expecting another gerbil adventure, I was greeted by accusations from people who probably should have been in the Abducted by Aliens chatroom.  Okay, I've had my little adventure for the night, I think I'll stick with the Journals Cafe, where I can discuss farts, food, and family with friends.

Points of Procrastination

I'm taking a break from doing the dishes.  My fingers are so waterlogged that they are sloshing on the keyboard.  I made some observations today.  For instance, did you know that nacho cheese smells like rotten eggs when you add water to it and let it sit for a day or two?  I didn't.  I do now.  And now that I know what chicken noodle soup smells and looks like after sitting for a little while in an obscure corner of the kitchen I may never be able to enjoy it again, no matter how cold I am.

The boys tackled the livingroom and dining room.  It took them 30 minutes to get them in order.  I've been trying all week to get them to do 30 minutes of work.  They work fast when dad is around.  That makes me mad.  I wish they would jump to it when I tell them to do something the way they do for him.  I think its more of a fear factor than a respect issue.  Its still not fair.

I got my new cell phone in the mail today.  Its charging now.  I can't wait to use it.  I gave up my phone about 3 months ago when my son when camping and his was out of commission.  I never got it back.  I had to renew my contract to get a new phone, but thats okay.  Despite the poor customer service department, we really do have a good plan.  I don't use the phone often and I only need it when I don't have it, you know how that goes.  I see it as a protection thing, see, now that I have a phone, I'll never have to use it.  Thats a GOOD thing, it keeps bad things from happening to me because I'll be prepared. 

Well, my fingers have dried out a little so I guess I'll get back to the dishes.  Got to make room for more dirty dishes.

FRIDAY FREE-FOR-ALL

Theres a car dealership in town advertising Buy One, Get One Free cars.  Hey, I'm cool with that, the only catch is... the only cars eligible are UGLY!  With my luck those Dodge Magnums will be 2fers, and my husband will show up with 2!  I wouldn't be caught dead with 1, let alone 2!  My 17 year old son Zack just got his permit today.  I worry because one of his favorite games is Stuntman for the PS2.  None of my kids have fear, so I have to fear for them.  I wonder if those new Mustangs will ever go BOGOF... they aren't quite as nice as the classic, but I could live with 2 of them, one for me, and one for the boy.  My husband can keep his little "Wish I was A Harley" dirtbike... (berrrroooommmmm neeeeeee neeeeee neeeee neeeeeeee!)  

My birthday present came in the mail today.  Its a paper mache Corona parrot on a perch swing, like they have in bars and cantinas.  My husband has been trying to talk bartenders across the country into selling him one to no avail, but I finally found one online and he ordered it for me.  I love it!  I've now forgiven him for not stopping at Margaritaville in Las Vegas, but he still owes me.  We're still working on the trojans though, thats still a big sore spot.  In the mean time I have to hand it to him, he even had a case of Coronas in the cooler and limes on the table for me... I think he's trying to say something.  I just wish he would use a few simple words.  

The ultra cool Sammie made it as the Editors #1 pick.  I'm happy for her, and jealous at the same time.  And so I told her so.  Her advice... perhaps if I didn't make so many posts about farts and such I would get picked.   Well, surely I'm not that bad!  So I decide to do a quick review of my posts.  In the last 10 entries (not including this one) I made reference of some sort in 5 about farts, feces, boogers and other natural bodily functions.  I stopped countingthere because I knew it would only get worse.  I was devastated.  My life is comprised of bodily excrements!  To quote Shakespeare (I love that book!), my life is a 'dunghill'.   Oh well, I guess I'll have to be happy with the knowledge that some people actually LIKE my pink vapor!  Hehehehe!  Oh my gosh, my mom would absolutely die of embarassment if she were ever to read this!  No people, my mom has never read The Dust Bunny journal... she would ground me for a million years if she did!  (shhhhhhh, don't tell her!)

SUMMER SEIGE

In 12 more days school begins a new session and I can reclaim my house.  I have to say that so far this year there has been little damage even with the kids rained in most of the time.  It obviously helped to have 2 TV's with a game system, DVD and video, 2 computers (sorry, no web-surfing while mom and dad are gone), 3 guitars, a flute, a violin, dozens of board games, decks of cards, balls, marbles, pets, BOOKS (be warned world, their favorite is my copy of Shakespeare's Insults!), and .... the telephone!  No furniture has been broken this year, no rooms flooded, no walls colored or dented, no police waiting for me at my work place, no angry neighborhood parents glaring at me through the screendoor.  Basically its been a good summer.

This year I will have children spread out all over the tarnation.  My youngest will be at the elementary school in the 5th grade, my oldest daughter is going into the 7th grade at the Junion High, and my boys will be in high school, in the 9th and 12th grade.  And of course, my oldest will be in boot camp.  I'm starting to feel like my parents when my brother and sisters were teenagers.  It scares me because my parents were always angry, and I was always grounded.

My big project this fall will be to rip up the carpeting in the upstairs.  I had hoped to do it this summer, but we got too busy being tired so that never happened.  I know the kids are going to miss the static... 'shock-tag' is a favorite game of ours in the wintertime, where you slide your feet (not bare feet... it doesn't work) on the carpet then tap someone and zap them.  But soon they will learn the joy of sock-skating on polished hardwood floors, a favorite childhood past-time of mine.  If it were an Olympic event I would have medaled for sure, I was THAT good!

Let me share a few lines from Shakespeare, and maybe give you some insight as to why he is my favorite writer....

"(Your) face is not worth sunburning!"

"You crusty botch of nature!"

"(Your) horrid image doth unfix my hair"

MID-LIFE CRISIS?

My husband wants a Harley.  All his friends have Harleys.  He has a dirt bike.  They won't let him in their Harley Club. Its called the "Ha Ha Ha, I Have A Harley Club".  They go out on the  open road with a thousand horses rumbling between their leather clad legs.  He goes around in circles in the cul de sac with a lawnmower engine between his bermuda shorts clad legs going 'berrrrrooooom, neeeee neeee neeee neeeeee!'  I know he wants the chopper so bad, and I've told him several times to get one, but for some reason he always hesitates. 

He also wants a 2005 Dodge Magnum, which is the offical pace car for the Pikes Peak International Raceway.  For those who don't know what a Magnum is, no, its not a gun.  Its a car.  To be more precise, its a station wagon!  Why does he want a stationwagon?  Because it has a HEMI!  Its a station wagon on steroids!  The kids all hate it, and only 5 of us will be able to fit in it at any one time, but hey, it has a hemi, so that makes it all better!  At least it doesn't sound like 'berrroooom neeeeee neeeeee neeeeee neeeee!

Me, I want an old car, with an old engine.  I want a mustang, or a nova... or a Chevelle!  I want to drive like the Dukes of Hazzard, I want the younger kids to wave at me and cheer "Go, go Grandma!" as I speed down the street with the law at my tailpipe, his little Monte Carlo with its nitro spitting and sputtering trying to keep up with me... Or not... and I'll just add the citation to my steadily growning pile that I have so far collected from my adventures in my jeep and pick-up.  I really do think that the fines for my speeding tickets should be tax deductable, after all I am funding a large portion of the Police Departments annual budget!

I spent the day at a meeting, and then it was right back on the Front End, taking care of customers.  After having Chicken Chow Mein for supper last night, and then the leftovers for breakfast, my gullet was bursting with fragrance!  Being the conscientious person that I am, I pinched off the urge until my shift was over.  I was able to maintain control until I got out to the truck, but then the flood gates were released and the heralds sounded.  I guiltily looked around to see if anyone had heard, but I was alone in the parking lot.  And it was at that time that I was glad that my wish as stated on my BLOGGERS ANONYMOUS Journal was not granted for I would have been surrounded by a rosy pink cloud!

 "Farts should be visable, so you can see them before you walk into a vapor cloud from one.  And they should be color coded so you know the bad ones from the really choke-you-so-you-can't-breath bad.  Farts happen, I know this, but if you could actually SEE the stink, then you'd have a chance of avoiding it.  If you turn down an aisle and see a red vapor cloud you'll know it was chili dogs, but the ailse beside it has a brown cloud which would indicate a worse olfactory rating coming from German beer and brats, so you can choose the lesser of the offenders.  And then the culprit of those vapors can't blame it on anyone else because that stink smoke would be trailing out their britches behind them!  I'm getting tired of people walking up after a fart-n-runner, and look at me like I might have had the indiscretion.  Besides, mommys don't fart, just ask my kids!  But if I did... it would be pink and smell like roses!"

THERES A REASON ITS CALLED NIQUIL!

My headache followed me into today, and after little results from the allergy and sinus medicine, I stood infront of my cabinet and pondered.... orange or green?  Dayquil or Niquil?  As bad as I was feeling I grabbed the green.  Next thing I know half of the afternoon is gone, my house is nowhere near being picked up as I had hoped, its almost dinner time and the dishes haven't even been started, and my house is quiet.  My house is NEVER quiet, something must be wrong!  I jumped up, and almost fell back down because I wasn't fully awake yet, and my daughter looked at me with sweet concerned eyes.

"Did you sleep good?" she asked.  Sleep?  I haven't slept in weeks!  Then I realized, yes, I DID sleep good, I felt great!  My head is still a little woosy, but it doesn't hurt.  This is great!  My sweet little trolls had postponed any fights and loud carrying on's so I could sleep in peace.  Well, now that I'm up and about they are back to their normal, rambunctious selves, but how sweet of them.....

I am now in between loads of dishes.  We ran out of paper plates last night, I guess it was inevitable.  A pack of 250 doesn't last as long as it used to.  And they really make a lot of trash too.  I'm thinking about edible plates, like tortillas maybe.  Just serve the meal on them, and when you're finished, just pick up the tortilla and eat that too.  What a breeze clean up would be, and I won't be filling up the garbage can quite so fast.

I went grocery shopping after work last night.  I was in a bad mood to begin with, thanks to my head ache.  Having to fork out $90 didn't help matters.  And for what, biodegradable products that we will consume only to 'exhume' at the end of our digestive cycle and flush down the toilet?  Is that what I work for... the production of solid waste?  Agh!  I'm getting depressed all over again.  I knew I should have grabbed the happy juice in the orange bottle!

SUMMER HEAD COLD

Been fighting a headache all day long.  I've been popping Aleve but there's no let up on the pain.  Don't even want to think what I'd be feeling like without the drugs!  I feel like every sinus pocket in my head is ready to explode.  Do you know what sinuses are full of?  Cultured and educated people would say 'mucous', but hey, I'm a lot of things but I've never been accused of being cultured or educated, so I'll tell you the truth about sinuses.  They are full of SNOT!  Those sinus headaches are caused when you have all this snot in your head, encroaching on your brain's space and just giving you all kinds of grief.  I've tried blowing my nose, laying down with my head hanging upside down off the chair, even cognac (sipping, not snorting), but to no avail.  My head still hurts!  Fortunately tomorrow is my day off.  I think I'll get one of those turkey baster and shove it up my nose then suck that junk out, kind of like what I had to do with the babies when they got congested.  If all else fails, maybe another one of them shots of tequila.... right where it hurts!

TOYS

My husband and I watched the Evel Knievel movie last night and Steve got all excited when the little Evel Knievel action figure was shown.  He idolized Knievel as a child, much to his family's dismay, and the little white clad plastic motorcycle stuntman (stuntbike sold separately!) was his favorite toy.  That got me to thinking about my toys.  I don't think I had toys as a child.  We were pretty poor so  most of our presents, regardless of the occasion were practical, like clothing, underwear, and books.  I didn't mind though, because these gifts usually came in boxes of various sizes, with ribbons and bows that were always so much fun to play with after all the presents were unwrapped.  Seriously folks, my siblings and I always had as much fun with the wrappings as we did with the presents themselves... and in the case of underwear... even MORE fun.  And hey, for those long months in between birthdays and holidays, just toss us an empty paper towel tube or a packing box and we were in heaven!  They were trumpets, they were telescopes, they were microphones, they were baseball bats or swords, they were castles and forts, cars and planes, virtually anything and everything we could imagine.

I do remember Barbie dolls.  But my Barbies looked nothing like the glamorous fashion beauties of today.  By the time it was my time to inherit a Barbie, she usually had no hair, had wires sticking out from the backs of her knees, and had chew marks and ink stains all over her naked limbs.  You see, I was the 4th daughter, and my Barbies were all hand-me-downs.  I honestly don't remember ever having a new Barbie, one with perfect hair, posable legs that actually stayed bent and clothes! 

All of the old toys are coming back.  Remember Lincoln Logs?  Those were my favorites.  I used to make the coolest one room cabins.  Now you can make a 3 story mansion with all of the extras!  I got my kids a colorful Barrel Full of Monkeys, another of my childhood favorites.  They just looked at the pile of plastic monkeys with blank stares.  By the end of the day we had monkeys hanging off of the lights, hanging off of ears, stuck in the vacuum, chewed up in the disposal, and launched onto the rooftop with a rubberband... there were no monkeys in the barrel.  So much for sharing that fond childhood memory.  All of their fancy, modern toys were strewn all over the house and they were running up and down the stairs, chasing each other with the long empty wrapping paper tubes, swinging them like swords, shooting pingpong balls from them, or trumpeting out a melody.  And I was right there with them, waving my wrapping paper tube over my head like a warrior princess with a bent sword, with my calico ribbon crown sitting lopsided on my head.  Outwardly I was spending quality family time with my children.  In my mind I was thinking:  "note to self.... don't waste money on toys this Christmas, just get a bunch of boxes and tubes, and stick some pretty bows on them.  More fun, less money, completely disposable!"

ITS ABOUT TIME

Some people find it hard to comprehend how I manage my life without a watch or a calendar.  My philosophy is simple, if something needs to be done, it doesn't matter what time it is, just do it. 

* If the hair on your legs is starting to poke through your jeans and dustbunnies stick to you like velcro then it is time to shave your legs.

* If little 'eyes' are starting to sprout on your potatoes then it is time to toss them into the garden and buy a new bag.

* If your closets and drawers are empty it is time to wash the laundry.

* If your cupboards are empty but the counter is full, it is time to wash dishes.

* If your bank account is empty, it is time to borrow money.

* If your bank account is full, it is time to go shopping.

* If people can tell what you ate for dinner.... two weeks ago... its time to go to the dentist.

* If you leave footprints when you walk, its time to vacuum your carpet.

* If your stomach growls, its time to eat.

* If your dog growls, its time for your dog to eat.

* If your husband growls, its time to get off of the computer.

BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING

I have 4 kids to shop for this school year.  2 of the schools have graciously supplied us with shopping lists for each of the grade levels and classes.  These lists are very specific, they even state brands.  The elementary school specifies Prang watercolors, not the cheap one.. (yes, it actually says..."Not the cheap one")  I wonder if the school is being paid for product endorsements and is therefore obligated to require the use of the particular brand.  Don't laugh folks, if Pepsi can monopolize the soda vending machines at the upper level schools, is it really too far fetched to think that Crayola and Prang are taking over the multimillion dollar school supply market.  I must remember to look on the back of my crayola box to see if it says "Official Sponsor of the 2004-2005 School Year".  My high schoolers each have to have a million composition notebooks and several hundred reams of filler paper.  I still have leftovers from 2 years ago, mostly because my boys haven't done their homework in over 2 years so they never had to use any paper.

24 #2 pencils... why is that even on the list?  The kids are required to do their assignments in black ink.  And they must have a red correction pencil, this is so they can grade each other's papers instead of the teacher.  Hmmm, you'd think if they're going to have to do the teacher's job, the school should at least supply the red pencil.  But nope, these kids need 2 for all the grading they will be doing.  The kids sitting next to my boys will be getting off easy, they won't have anything to correct, if I knew who they were I'd call their parents up and just tell them to skip the red pencils.

Every year the elementary school requests that the parents send in 3 large boxes of facial tissue (Kleenex or Puffs of course), 2 rolls of Bounty papertowels, and a box of 1 gallon Ziploc bags.  One year I got a note from my son's teacher stating that I hadn't sent in the tissue.  I wrote back to her... Oh thats okay, he doesn't use tissue, he uses his teeshirt.  She did not ask for the tissue again.  Now if they asked for toilet paper, well, that I could understand.

Every year my kids force me to buy brand new backpacks and lunch boxes.  Why they can't use last years backpacks I don't know, I guess its a fashion thing, you know, sooooo last year and all!  And lunch boxes?  On the mornings that we get up with enough time to pack a lunch, they suddenly remember that they've forgetten the lunchbox at school, and we end up using papersacks, or the ever handy blue Wal-mart bag.  Last year when it was all said and done we had spent on the average $75 per child on school supplies.  We should have automatically have qualified for free lunches for at least the first month of school after that huge chunk was taken out of our monthly income.  Un-be-fricken-lievable!

The Bald Son

Well, its almost a new day.  I'm still not used to my near-bald son, but its getting a little easier to talk about him going into the military.  And yes, I am soooo very proud of him for making this decision.  Actually its a 4 part decision.  He's joining the military to serve his country, he's providing for his unborn child, he's securing a future for himself, and he donated his beautiful long hair to help someone less fortunate.  Oh yeah, and 5..... he's moving out and I'll have my computer room back.  Truth be know I'd be just as happy with him shacking up here forever, but my little birdie must spread his wings and fly!

Been getting a lot of calls lately from non-profit organizations soliciting for donations, and politicians looking for votes.  I just tell them to call back later when my rich husband is home (he's not really rich, but they get excited and hang up), and the politicians, I just tell them that I'll vote for them if they never call again.  The NRA is also a frequent harrasser being as my husband is a member and on their 'sucker list'.  I just tell them 'I have a gun and I know how to use it'.  They quickly offer to call back later when my husband is home.  I'm honestly thinking about taking us off of the no-call list.  At least those telemarketers had personality, they knew they had to make a sell or they weren't getting a paycheck.  You could have fun with them!  These non-profit guys, heck, they don't care, they're one big tax right-off!  And those campaigners, they're more fickle than Kerry.  If you tell them 'no' on a Democratic call, they'll mark your number with a red R and call back the next night campaigning for the Republican party.

I'm going to start rationing toilet paper.  We have 3 bathrooms for the 7 of us.  I buy 3 packs of toilet tissue every 2 weeks, one for each bathroom.  We never have enough paper to last the 2 week period.  I don't understand why because nobody wipes their butt!  I have proof!  I walk in all the time to an unflushed bowl full of lincoln logs and no Charmin!  First of all, thats just disgusting!  Second of all, phew!  This morning I was in the girls bathroom and found myself having to duckwalk around the bathroom looking for scraps on the discarded cardboardtoilet paper tubes just so I could wipe!  Give me a BREAK!  There is NEVER toilet paper in their pee punch concoction, so where is it!  From now on, its 3 squares for a swipe, 6 for a log, and 2x6 for a squirt. Monthly female issues are negotiable.

THE 'AFTER' SHOT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, he did it!  Its so strange to see his scalp and neck.  His hair hasn't been this short in over 10 years!  He saved a lock for me, a scalplock for his scrapbook, and the rest went to Locks for Love.  I can't believe how much he's starting to look like his dad... its SCARY!

WRITTEN WITH A HEAVY HEART

This is my oldest boy Gabriel.  He turns 20 in August.  Once upon a time, when we lived in North Carolina he used to tear up the Pow Wow grounds as a champion Traditional dancer.  Oh my lord, I loved watching him dance, he was just a young boy but it was like watching something magical and spiritual.  He danced with all the grace and wisdom of his ancestors.  I have seen people of all ages with tears in their eyes after watching him dance, he was that natural.

This picture was taken just minutes ago.  This will be the last picture taken of him with long hair for a long time.  He is off to get it cut off.  After his 20th birthday he intends to enlist in the army.  He did not want the barber at boot camp to cut his hair, which is being donated to Locks for Love.

And so it is with great pride, and fear that I support him in this new adventure in his life.  He has decided that by joining the military he will be able to guarantee some kind of future for his unborn child, and with the draft hoovering in the near future he's decided to join on his own terms.  This is his most mature and responsible decision in all of his young life.  I am terrified!  And I am so very proud.  Ah, now, I think I will go and cry.

NON-PROFIT GROUP

I was wondering, does a family qualify as a non-profit group?  Because there is absolutely no profit involved in my family or our income!  If you don't believe me just take a peek into my savings account... the balance is .01.  Seriously, I have one penny in my savings account.  I think the only reason the bank hasn't closed my account is because they've probably never had to deal with a one cent balance before.  With my luck they'll assess a service fee and I'll be over drawn.  As for being non-profit, I'm not looking for a hand out, just a tax exempt status would be nice.

MOAN-DAY

Its Back to School season at my job and the moment I've been waiting for all year has finally arrived.  I rush to the front of the store where I hear they have placed it... the 6 foot tall carasol of personalized stationery items.... pencils, pens, rulers, calculators, erasers, memo pads, you name it, they have it... and ALL PERSONALIZED with every name in the world... except for mine!  This can not be true!  I search in vain behind the other names, just incase they had run out of room and stuck my name in the back, but for the hundreth year in a row my name is not worthy of the personlized stationery line.  My friends are already grabbing arms full of their names, then guiltily hide them behind their backs because they know... JODY ... with a 'y' is not there.  I give them a half-hearted smile and turn away so that they can resume their shopping spree. 

That was how my day started, then it was a 1 1/2 hour meeting with my co-workers, and a boss who seemed to stare at me the whole time he was pointing out what was wrong with the way we were working, and I just stared back at him, hoping that he just had those kind of eyes that seemed to follow you no matter where you stood and that the others were all thinking that he was staring at THEM... but probably not.  Oh well, I didn't think I was guilty of anything he pointed out and he certainly didn't call me by name.  But those eyes!  Brrrrrrrrrrrr!

I was glad to finally make it home after work, and back to the loving, caring family who greets me at the driveway with a loud 'Hi Mom, whats for supper?'  I almost reply 'fingernails, boogers and spit', but the neighbors are out and I don't want them to think that I feed my kids the same thing EVERY night. 

So after a little rest (spent on the computer, of course) I set a pot of 'pressed and formed' skinless pork, chicken and beef by-product weiners on the stove, put a lid on, and set it on high.  30 minutes later I discover that you don't need to spend $4 on a pack of Ball Park Franks to have hotdogs 'plump' when you cook them.  These guys got so big and fat that they literally exploded!  And they only cost me 74¢ for a pack of 8!  What a deal huh?  Hey, I'm feeling better already!

A BIGGER AND BETTER BUTT!

My butt feels much better folks, thank you.  Seems I pinched my sciatic nerve.  No, I didn't go to the doctor, I'm not too keen about shoving my bare neked butt under an xray and saying 'it hurts here doctor!'  I have taken some anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxing drugs.  I suggested that my husband get one of them turkey injectors, fill it full of tequila and just inject it straight into the injured area but he's got a thing about needles so he wouldn't oblige me.... dang chicken!  But seriously, I am feeling much better.  Thanks for all of the 'hope your butt gets better' prayers. 

THE PERILS OF DUST BUNNY RELOCATION

Agh!  Folks, I am in pain!  I was trying to straighten up the kitchen and dining room just a little before work, there were bags of groceries on the floor by the frige from yesterday's shopping trip and the table has last nights supper dishes on it... So anyhow I thought I'd do what I could in the time that I had.  I got the gallon can of Nacho cheese (my kids eyes lit up like Christmas when they saw me come in with that Dairy Delicacy but Colesteral and Saturated Fat Disaster... "Thats MY cheese, Not Yo Cheese!"  Poor Steve was so sick of hearing that by the time we got home from Sams) I tried to put it in the frige, but there wasn't enough room so I had to rearrange one of the shelves.  When I had the room I bent over to pick up the gallon can I had set on the floor, and lifted.  As soon as I felt the pain I remembered that I should have bent my knees for a proper lift.  But it was just a one gallon can of cheese!  That pain shot up my butt cheek to my hip, and then down my leg.  Its throbbing as I sit and contemplate how I'm going to manage today.  One thing's for sure, I'm not calling in sick for work because then I'd had to explain that I busted my butt.  Hopefully its just a pinched nerve and will work itself out, but OW!  I've heard of a pain in the butt, but this is not my idea of fun!  It couldn't be my pinkie finger, or my ear lobe, no, I had to go and pull the biggest muscle in my body!  Maybe I should wake Dickidoo up.  "My butt hurts, kiss it better?"  Hmmmmm, that would be like saying "Kiss my arse", only literally!  This could actually be fun, if I didn't hurt so bad.  Thats okay though, I'll live.  It only hurts when I stand up, or sit down, or bend over, or stretch.  Other than that I'm fine!

LUNCH OUT ON THE TOWN

The family went out to eat lunch.  We had Yakitori Chicken, Tangy Boneless Buffalo Chicken, Tender Zesty Pulled BBQ Pork, Iced Raspberry Tea, and Melt in Your Mouth Chocolates for dessert.  Thats the best thing about shopping at Sams Clubs, if you time it just right you can make a meal of the samples!  I wonder when their little liquor store is going to start passing out samples, I could have my next party there.

NATURAL 'FEEL GOODS'

Everyone knows how good it feels to laugh, and nothing quite beats the toe-tingling fireworks of sex, but there are so many other stimulants that just feel so darn good, and yet nobody ever talks about them.  For instance, in all of the journals I've read, only one other blogger mentioned how good a Q-tip feels in the ear.  And if that doesn't get the itch that you have way down deep in your ear, just turn the speakers up on your stereo and put your head to it, that should do the trick.

Other 'feel goods' includ sneezing, yawning, farting and good old fashioned burping!  The release of pressure is immediately gratifying.  Then there is the simple act of scratching an itch.  Try resisting an itch for as long as you can, and when you can no longer stand it, scratch gently.  Ahhhhhhhh! Its almost orgasmic!

Have you ever been so congested that you couldn't breath, and then suddenly the flood gates open and your sinuses drain, and you can actually feel it running out.  Of course you start choking and have to hack up that loogie, but you know you're thinking.... 'dang, that felt GOOD'! 

Your knuckles are stiff so you bend them backwards and are rewarded by  a loud resounding crack.  People around you cringe but you don't care because it felt so good you decide to crack ALL of your knuckles.

The only good thing about costipation is when the dam finally gives way, either naturally or with the aid of Exlax.  You sit there on your throne and give a big sigh of relief similar to the one you gave after your child was born.  Another great 'relief' feel-good is when you are finally able to empty your bladder after being forced to hold it for a long time.  I've actually heard people sighing with pleasure in public restrooms.  And yep, I'm guilty of that pleasure myself.

Ever had a splinter?  Do you remember how you felt when the sliver finally came out?  Was it relief, or pleasure?  Think about the next time you get one.  And zits... now thats one I never got into but my husband loves to have his back picked on.  And scabs.... what is it about scabs that some people just feel the need to pick?  Ewwwww!  Not me, but there are a vast number of people who practice that strange obsession.

And one of my favorites.... eye boogers!  I'll swipe the corner of my eye and get a hold of one that drags across my eye, and up and behind, and under the lid  and by the time it finally comes out or breaks my back is twitching, my eye is rolled back into my head and my leg is twitching like a dog getting its belly rubbed.  With all of these natural 'feel-goods', who needs drugs?  Now please excuse me while I go pick some eye boogers.