Monday, January 29, 2007

CHEW YOUR CORN

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senior Citizen Class of 2020.

Chew your corn.

If I could offer you one bit of advice for the future it would be to chew your corn.  Your teeth are not what they used to be.  Neither is your digestive system.  Take your time and chew your food.

Enjoy the excuse of age.  Don't be embarrassed of your age.  Embrace it.  Forgetfulness and eccentricity are not symptoms of old age, they are perks.  Take advantage of them.

Don't worry about the future.  Don't worry about the past.  Don't worry at all.  Live for the moment.  Do something that scares those around you.  It will be easier to see who really cares.

Laugh. 

Laugh loud and hard.  But don't laugh too hard unless you are wearing a panty liner.

Walk.

Take your time to enjoy the sights, sounds and smells around you.  Slow down.  If you must run, make sure you are wearing a panty liner.

Act your age.  You are in the cusp of your existence.  Anything is acceptable.  Anything is possible.  Do what you can while you still can.

Get to know your children.  Tolerate their moods.  Remember the magic you felt when they were young and helpless.  Remember all the diapers you changed for them.  Find comfort in the knowledge that one day they will be changing your diapers.

Respect the youngsters.  One day they will rule the world.  Be their mentor so that they can take care of the earth for your grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Wear a bra.  Playtex 18 Hour Cross Your Heart bras might not be as sexy as Victoria's Secret, but flimsy lacy bras can't support senior boobs and there's nothing sexy about 38DD when they're down around your waist.

Don't tuck your shirts into your pants as it accentuates your 38DD around your waist, or your Party Keg beer belly.  If you must bend over, wear a belt.

Don't be afraid of balding.  Natural baldness can be sexy if you hold your head up proudly.

Comb overs are never sexy.

Walk in the rain, splash in puddles.  Play in the leaves. 

Eat something because it tastes good, even if its not good for you.

Pull out your old photo albums.  Call your parents and siblings.  Forgive grudges and focus on happier times.

Get excited over little things, but don't get upset over little things.

And trust me on chewing corn.

12 comments:

jckfrstross said...

lol have a good week:)

Deb

deshelestraci said...

Oh man.  It's coming up fast huh?
Traci

princesssaurora said...

Great advice...  and a wonderful post.  I miss you!  I hate that you are not posting as much as you used to.  I know you must be busy... but, I just had to say it.  

I agree about the corn...  and the bra!

be well,
Dawn

plittle said...

A funny take on the Kurt Vonnegut MIT commencement speech hoax e-mail. Nicely done.
http://www.wesselenyi.com/Vonnegutstory.htm
-Paul

lanurseprn said...

Good entry.  Funny, too!
Pam

carolhehe said...

This made me sick to my stomach! Yuck and double Yuck. I am not ready to get old and act like it. Chew your corn. Heck spit it out!

missheathyrmaree said...

ha ha.
This was great Dorn!
I hope you are well, hon!
xo,
H

swmpgrly said...

lmao

glensfork4 said...

ROFLMAO!!!
Love it Jody.
Michele

quiltsnroses said...

Too funny AND too true!

desoulsheartbeat said...

Got my denture cream and ben gay allllllll readyyyyyyyy
                                         -jazz

helmswondermom said...

I liked this!  I'm wondering what the story is behind the "chew your corn" advice!
Lori
http://journals.aol.com/helmswondermom/DustyPages