Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Today revisited~

I just read my last post. Day off, NCIS marathon, 'life is good'.

Bullshit!

I never should have gotten up off of the couch when Dickidoo came home a couple of hours after I made that post and suggested a ride. Of course it would only have prolonged the inevitable but at least I could have enjoyed the rest of my marathon while I still cared.

'I'm not happy', he said.

'Ditto,' I replied.

'I still care for you but I don't love you anymore.'

(Phew! Is that all? Well, at least there isn't another woman!)

'There's someone else and I can't stop thinking about her.'

'Her' is a woman from his past, his childhood sweetheart. Long story short, they have rekindled their love for each other. Unfortunately they are both still married.

I thought I was ready for anything. I was ready for everything except that he was still in love with her. I could have dealt with anyone else but her. There I was thinking I was too fat and unappealing for him, or maybe he had ED, thus his distraction and my involuntary re-virginhood but it turned out not to be about me at all.

No, it was something more powerful than that. It only took him more than 25 years but he finally figured it out, he's still in love with her. Secretly I hope it's just the romantic memory and that once they are back together and she realized that he farts in his sleep, is a sub-conscious public nose picker and doesn't flush the toilet that she'll want nothing to do with him. Then I realize that because I loved him I had accepted those less than romantic qualities about him. If their love is as enduring as it appears to be it won't matter.

Still, I hope she's a farter too, and they can sit on the porch in their rocking chairs and watch the sun set rocking and farting like two happy hillbillies.

(That was supposed to be our future, dammit.)

So how do I feel about this? 'Feel' may be the wrong word. I haven't 'felt' much since I was so wickedly lured away from my NCIS marathon. It's like somebody has pulled the plug on my future leaving just a blank or staticky screen. I struggle to restore power and bring things back in to focus but just as I gain control and think 'Yeah, I can do this,' the power flickers and I'm in the dark again. Crying helps. So did drinking until Steve got rid of my 5 liter box of wine after I got sloshed and suggested that he do so to keep me from developing a bad habit.

25 years of 'in one ear and out the other' and he picks now to start listening to me! I could have used some wine last night. And where's my tequila? I didn't say anything about getting rid of the damn tequila! Grrrr!

I wish Steve was being a butt about all this, it might be easy to handle if I were on the defense, but he has been very honest and sensitive. I wish she were a hussy, but I've met her family and know she's comes from good people. I wish I could hate Steve and her for kicking me out of the fairytale but I can't because I honestly want Steve to be happy again. Not gloriously happy but he is a good man and should be happy. For that matter I happen to believe that I am a good woman and therefore deserve to be happy as well, but in this case we can't both be happy so it may as well be him since he's already got a plan.

The kids know and weren't particularly surprised. They are pre-conditioned by the accepted norm in society, plus they are all very mature so they understand that sometimes things just don't work out and families become separated. They are all making plans for me moving in with them when they move out. They have obviously forgotten my vow to let them change my Depends when incontinence sets in. For now they are just concerned with making me feel loved.

Its weird. This time last week I thought I was set for life. Now I'm plagued with thoughts of where I shall live once we sell this big old house. I'm almost 50. I'll never make enough to buy a house which means my less than generous paycheck is going to have to squeeze out rent for the rest of my life. I'm going to turn in to the bitchy old lady in the downstairs apartment who is always banging on the ceiling with a broomstick for quiet.

The first time Steve proposed to me he said and I quote: 'I want to watch our hair grow silver together.' That was sooooooo romantic... and as predicted we have both aged gracefully. He has more silver than I do, but mine is longer. Poor guy must have crapped his pants recently when he realized that I had dyed my hair to cover all the white and he'd have to wait longer to fulfil the prophecy so he could call it quits and get on with his life.

Every day Steve asks me if I'm okay to which I lie and say 'yes' but I'm not fine. My 25 year old romance has been replaced by an older, deeper love and I am nowhere in the picture. It's not even a 'happily ever after' story yet since it is not possible for Steve and 'her' to be together for the time being and they must wait.

I wish someone would love me like that, with a love so powerful that it endured a quarter of a century separation and countless obstacles but it still prevailed. I can understand and respect that kind of true love. It just would have been nice if it could have been for me.

So now that I am soon-to-be-single, what now? Zack's already thrown in the name of a replacement.

Are you fricken nuts because I sure am not!

No. For every heart there is one true love. Ideally the match is mutual but occasionally, as in this case, there is a mismatch and while my heart chose Steve, his heart was meant for another. No regrets though. I've got 5 wonderful kids and many great memories out of it. And now that we aren't so busy feeling unhappy with our marriage and have accepted that we cannot force it I think I have found a new friend in Steve. It's good to hear him laugh again.

But please... please, please please let her have morning breath and night-gas!

20 comments:

Tabby said...

Dorn,

I am speechless. I feel like my heart is being broken too :(

Maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis, the grass always looks greener on the other side until you get to the other side. Wishing you the best and Hugs!!!!

Just Bill said...

jodi. I went through the same type thing years ago and got over it, We have now been married for over 55 years and are aging together. We really could not have gotten along any better than we have.
Good luck to you and Steve, Bill

Traci said...

{{{{{Dorn}}}}}} I'm so sorry. You have amazing amounts of grace within you to even speak so kindly of him. I want the fairy tale ending for you too. NOT fair.

Donna said...

We never know what tomorrow may bring. If I were you, I wouldn't give up on that "happily ever after", though. It may come in a guise you least expect.

My sister-in-law next door went through this same thing. After a year, her heart is on the mend. But she sure had some long nights of crying and agonizing before she finally got some peace about it.

God bless you.

sober white women said...

You may be the old crazy lade who bangs on ceiling, but I am only one bad relationship away from being the crazy cat lady! LOL

I know that this is hard, but as a women I know that you will be able to move on with grace.... and a few cuss words mixed in!
Kelli

FrankandMary said...

Glad he is being so nice about it(dripping with sarcasm). I can send wine. Yes? I don't think he figured out he is still in love with her. I think not being with her all those years lets him live in a romantic fantasy of how glorious he life would be if only....cept it is a fantasy. I've known many people to travel down the road and the reality is NOT what they are looking for~and it is not what they see in the beginning, but it dawns later.

I'll be thinking of you, Jo.
~Mary

Indigo said...

Ouch hon, I haven't been by in awhile. I'm so sorry to hear about this. Nice is a mask at this point. I have to agree with Mary, it's the illusion of love and the what if's for Steve. I'm betting he'll find out it's not all roses in ANY relationship. You're in my thoughts dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo

Astaryth said...

That SUCKS! But, I have to say been there, done that. Got almost the exact same speech given to me back in the 90's. At the time I was heartbroken, but I got over it.

You are dealing with it much better than I did. You are being kind and gracious.... I don't remember being so understanding.

So sorry that you are going thru this. {{{Hugs}}}

Charley said...

I'm with Mary on this one; he's not really in love with her - he's having a delayed mid-life crisis where he believes some sort of return to former years will allow him a new chance at life.

He's not even thinking clearly. Be patient if you can....

Nelishia said...

I haven't been by in awhile either and came to send my support. He's at least being 'nice' about leaving. I'm sure you're having a roller coaster of emotions. I wish you nothing but the very best and don't quiet sell the house yet. The grass isn't always greener but he doesn't know that yet.
Hang in there as your GF's are here with you and for you.

Nelishia

Jeannette said...

You should not tell him that you are o.k. You should tell him about how you really feel. Tell him the things you have told us, about what he said about growing old. He could be at the stage where he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. He could be making one big mistake. You need to TALK.

Michelle said...

Wow. I am so sorry Jodi. What a nightmare you must be living but what grace you are showing. You are a class act for sure. I'm sorry he isn't seeing that.
All my good thoughts and prayers go out to you and the oompas.

moshell's lilbit of space said...

WOW....

I am praying for the best for you both Jody.

(((HUGS)))

Lazarai said...

Oh geez, Dorn...I'm so sorry to hear this news. I agree with Mary...his memory of her may not match up with reality. Mid-life sucks (I should know, lol - I'm 52 and my husband's about to turn 50). I highly don't recommend it. LOL

You are a very strong woman with lots of great family and friends...AND a sense of humor the size of Texas. I wish you the very best and I hope you'll keep blogging!!

Big hugs,
Carol

Kelly Dawn said...

I am shocked...and speechless....You know where to find me if you need anything at all...Got a spare room in Texas if you need an escape too :)

i can say you are stronger better woman than me cause i would so be slapping some ass and scratching some eyes out and throwing around some words that children should never hear their mothers say EVER...

I am thinkin of ya...
Kelly

Christopher M said...

ALL I CAN SAY JO IS..........

( AND EXCUSE MY FRENCH )

HOLY SHIT!

I like Many other's haven't been by lately, I lost my google bookmarks and had to go and google each person lol and re add them to google reader and the first thing I see on my screen is " ME AND DICKADOO CALL IT QUITS". My Jaw hit the floor I think I need both hands to pick it up.

Sorry I haven't been by often I got you back so I can read your everyday.. I just read 3 entries in 15 min. I am at the point of crying just sitting here RIGHT NOW.

HEY! Good news though JO and your going to laugh at this... Once you sale " THE OLD DUMP" and your kids are all about grown out of HS right? You can move back to Paradise aka HAWAII!! ( big grin).

I mean Hey Jo, trans for a Walmart out there in, ( where was it you're from BIG ISLAND?) and that way you can take care of your mom!

or maybe you guys can work it out and go to you know, COUNCELING and try to keep the marriage together, It wont hurt to try. Unless its the relationship is that far gone, and I dont believe that ONE BIT, I think you got hope. COME ON... I am like 2 states over and I am sending my hope up there to Colorado right now....

And you know if you ever need me I am always around you have my AIM screename

cmarlow480 ( it hasnt changed)

or my email
-----------------
C_Marlow@Live.com

your always welcome.. Lol you've been my walmart buddy for years! HA! HA HA!

Cheer up... I hope something intervenes and you and dickadoo find love and invest in each other and divine happiness!

Love Ya,
Christopher

http://life-accordingtochristopher.blogspot.com/

Becky said...

man oh man!!! you know what? I agree with Mary! and there has to be some reason they split up in the first place...
I am so sorry, broken hearts are the pits... there is a place in NY for you to stay!
Heck, travel the U.S., I am sure all your blogger friends can put you up!

GrapevineTexan said...

(((Dorn))) Gosh, I have to agree with Mary. Steve has lost his mind. You are being so much kinder than I could be. I am thinking of you and holding you and the oompas in my heart.

Maire said...

Jodi, I too am speechless. The unrequited, I'm still in love with this person thing is crap. If it had been meant to be all those years ago, it woulda been. Dickidoo needs a reality check. Sorry to be blunt.
Maire

Lisa said...

I came over by way of Traci. Don't know exactly why I felt compelled to stop by but after reading this it became clear. My x walked out on Sunday and never came back. Yeah, I am actually the person who had someone go for cigs and never come back. I thought it was the end of the world. I was broken. 18 years later I can barely remember his name and I have a good husband. I wish you all the best ~ I know how it feels and I think you are one tough woman to be writing as you are. I have to agree with the others that he may be in a fantasy stage. He may be in for one big rude awakening and you'll be the one who is fine.
Lisa