Wednesday, August 30, 2006

If my heart is numb with grief, why does it hurt so bad?

Rachelle is being laid to rest even as I type this.  I attended the funeral but was over whelmed by my emotions.  I did not intend to view her body but something drew me to the casket.  She lay there... her body, and yet it was a doll's face, similar to hers, but not...  My mind accepted the easy way out, 'No, that's not Rachelle, there's been a mistake!'

Babies cried openly.  I cried inside. 

To know Rachelle was to love her.  The church was over flowing with those who loved her. 

'She is not dead, her life has just changed' the Father said.  'If you live, you must die, and you must die to live.'

But not like that!  I screamed silently.  Not like that!

'She will watch over her children at God's side'

She should be watching over them by their side, here on earth!

There had been a memorial in the break room at work.  A small table was lovingly draped in pale pink cloth.  Cards signed from edge to edge and spotted by tears lay amongst the figurines and flowers.  Balloons floated silently on pink and white ribbon.  I saw it and shook my head.

'That should not be here' I said and sat with my back to it, as if not looking at it would make it go away.  Yesterday as I sat again with my back stubbornly towards the table, the store manager and a couple of other employees began to box the memorial up to transport it to the church.  The finality of it took my breath away.

'No, that should stay there!'

It was a beautiful service, but I could not bear to see Rachelle lowered into the earth that she just recently walked so gracefully upon.  I waited until the last car in the funeral procession left the parking lot for the cemetary and then drove off in the opposite direction.

Ironically I found myself wondering about 'his' family.  They are grieving the loss of a son and a beloved daughter-in-law but it must be done in private.  There was no obituary in the local paper.  There is no guest book, no public support, no memorial.  While I feel no sorrow for the man who took such a wonderful person from us, I am saddened that his family must bear their grief in silence.

On the wings of an angel may you find everlasting peace Rachelle.  I shall miss you.


sschwingler said...

That was a beautiful tribute to your friend Dorn.
May the angels guide her peacefully home.

lazarai said...

What a beautiful young lady. I'm so sorry (((Dorn))).


trishaham said...

Such a beautiful Young women. It is indeed a sorry tragedy. It makes my heart ache to think of the wonderful woman she may have become. I feel so terrible for her children. It just is not fair. Domestic abuse is so prevalent in all areas. It doesn't matter what your "class". I live in a state that has "the Highest" (or close to it if the #'s have changed.) per capita, rate of murders by a spouse or "boyfriend". Things have got to change. This is 2006, There has to be something we as a country can do change this pattern and behavior.

God Bless you. take a deep breath. You are going to hold your "Baby"(Gabe)

in your arms again soon.


mumma4evr said...

a beautiful tribute!
hugs, love and prayers!

bucky770 said...

(( JO )) ~~~~~~~

She was Beautiful . Such a beautiful face ^_^

May I ask what happened to her?

Im so sorry for your loss Jo :(


missheathyrmaree said...

Such a tragic ending for such a beautiful young woman.
May she rest in peace.

glensfork4 said...

Dorn-I am sending you huge hugs, I am so sorry. I know how hard that has to be for you. My church is still greiving over the murder of one of our deacons. They say it gets easier with time, I wish that was true. God bless you and your family. Gabe will be home soon, that will make your heart lighter I pray.

swmpgrly said...

Omg dorn she is so beautiful. I am truely sorry for you and her loved ones loss. May I ask how she passed at such a young age?

tendernoggle said...

I am so so sorry,.....I am crying for Rachelle...I know I never knew her....but then again we are all part of a big family,are we not? Lord, this is so pitiful...and the young man's they must be hurting....and probably without as much emotional support...I do not know what to say except that I will pray for you and your loss of a friend and co-worker, pray for the little children, pray for her family, pray for the young man's family and yes pray for him too.
God help us all.
hugs and love in Christ,

mzgoochi said...

She's beautiful. What a shame. I'm sorry Dorn. (((hugs)))

sdoscher458 said...

It never gets easier.  I always feel the loss so deeply when someone really young dies, to me its as though they had no chance at life here...I tell myself that God must of needed another angel and it's the reason why they had to leave so young. God bless her and you Dorn in your compassion....Sandi

deshelestraci said...

How overwhelmingly sad.  I am sorry that this all had to happen.  You are right, she does need to be here to watch over her babies.  Too sad.

mutualaide said...

If shared tears could make the pain and loss go away ... Dorn, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.  

memes121 said...

I am so sorry my friend. So sorry. Tammy

hestiahomeschool said...

I've hestiated to comment because this situation just hurts too bad.  We had this happen here, with a young woman I knew well. Her husband had been forbidden to see her but although there was a restraining order, he hid in the house and killed her.

I am so sorry for your loss, for their loss, for their family, and even for that horrible young man, who is so hate filled that he killed the mother of his children.

And I am so sorry that you have to bear this on top of all the worry and pain that you've endured over this year.  

I am so glad that Gabe is home safely.  I was watching the news tonight and there was something about fifty deaths in Iraq. Mandy got up to turn off the television, saying sternly, "You are not allowed to watch this, " and I said, No, it's okay, Gabe is back in the United States!" and everyone cheered...

love, Kas

coelha said...

I'm so sad to hear of the passing of this young, beautiful woman...  Your last entry today made me laugh, and now i'm in the verge of tears.  Domestic Violence is like living in a war zone.  It is my sincere hope that her children grow up happy and strong in a loving home.  This is so sad--for all involved.  Julie :(  

ginabommer said...

this is so very sad.. and very scary for me.. i have recently left my husband after the last of years and years of beatings... i had moved out... my brother was picking my children up one day... and my husband was waiting behind my apartment bldg... he beat very badly...knocked out my two front teeth... broke ribs... i had a collapsed lung... an african american man that i did not know came out and beat the hell of my husband and carried me into his apt and called 911. he went to the hospital with me and stayed with my family when  they got there.... he is my hero and my guardian angel.. i love this man and his wife more then i can tell you.. my husband now wears an ancle bracelet and i carry what looks like a small pager... if gets within 100 feet of me the police are notified asap... and my beeper goes off.... i never leave the house alone.... i dont sleep.... i am always looking behind my back.... i am sooo sorry for your loss... i know how she must have felt... i have felt the feeling of death... being chocked and not being able to breath.... being hit so hard you pass out..... her poor children..... i am sobbing while reading this..... this could easily be my children we are talking about.... i will pray for her children and

wumzels2 said...

i knew i shouldn't have read this while here in the library.......the tears are flowing.  what a beautiful woman, and such a lovely tribute to someone you knew so briefly here on earth, but loved as a person.  we never know what tomorrow may those around you like there won't be a tomorrow.........



rjet33 said...

Jody, I am so sorry for your loss.  I, too, lost a friend to murder like this.  She sang at my wedding.  She was living in Atlanta, GA.  Evidently, a neighbor guy asked her out and she refused.  He broke in on her and stabbed her.  She made it to the phone to call 911 after he left, but died holding the phone in her hand.  He then came back after he murdered her and set her apartment on fire.  The firefighters could not remove her body, as they were too busy trying to get all of the other tenants out of the building while they fought the fire.  We had to have a closed casket funeral because Belinda's body was burned.  It was very sad, so I can empathize with you.  You and her family have my deepest sympathy.



debraarubio said...

i too know the pain.  my 20 year old son, carlos, was murdered last year.  there has been no investigation.  no one cares.  my heart is still broken and even though it's been over a year, i still cannot look at a picture of my beautiful son's face.  i write to him in a journal on line just to let him know my thoughts - even though i know he already knows.  this life has been hell and most days i would rather be dead than to feel the pain in my heart.  i am so sorry for your lost.  i wish you the best of luck.  it takes a long time - from what i am told - it hurts more than anything in the whole world.  i miss carlos so much.  i will pray for you to have the strength to carry on - never will you be the same.  my heart goes out to you and my family will hold your family in our prayers.

debra rubio
aol - journals - debra a rubio