ITS ABOUT TIME

Some people find it hard to comprehend how I manage my life without a watch or a calendar.  My philosophy is simple, if something needs to be done, it doesn't matter what time it is, just do it. 

* If the hair on your legs is starting to poke through your jeans and dustbunnies stick to you like velcro then it is time to shave your legs.

* If little 'eyes' are starting to sprout on your potatoes then it is time to toss them into the garden and buy a new bag.

* If your closets and drawers are empty it is time to wash the laundry.

* If your cupboards are empty but the counter is full, it is time to wash dishes.

* If your bank account is empty, it is time to borrow money.

* If your bank account is full, it is time to go shopping.

* If people can tell what you ate for dinner.... two weeks ago... its time to go to the dentist.

* If you leave footprints when you walk, its time to vacuum your carpet.

* If your stomach growls, its time to eat.

* If your dog growls, its time for your dog to eat.

* If your husband growls, its time to get off of the computer.

BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING

I have 4 kids to shop for this school year.  2 of the schools have graciously supplied us with shopping lists for each of the grade levels and classes.  These lists are very specific, they even state brands.  The elementary school specifies Prang watercolors, not the cheap one.. (yes, it actually says..."Not the cheap one")  I wonder if the school is being paid for product endorsements and is therefore obligated to require the use of the particular brand.  Don't laugh folks, if Pepsi can monopolize the soda vending machines at the upper level schools, is it really too far fetched to think that Crayola and Prang are taking over the multimillion dollar school supply market.  I must remember to look on the back of my crayola box to see if it says "Official Sponsor of the 2004-2005 School Year".  My high schoolers each have to have a million composition notebooks and several hundred reams of filler paper.  I still have leftovers from 2 years ago, mostly because my boys haven't done their homework in over 2 years so they never had to use any paper.

24 #2 pencils... why is that even on the list?  The kids are required to do their assignments in black ink.  And they must have a red correction pencil, this is so they can grade each other's papers instead of the teacher.  Hmmm, you'd think if they're going to have to do the teacher's job, the school should at least supply the red pencil.  But nope, these kids need 2 for all the grading they will be doing.  The kids sitting next to my boys will be getting off easy, they won't have anything to correct, if I knew who they were I'd call their parents up and just tell them to skip the red pencils.

Every year the elementary school requests that the parents send in 3 large boxes of facial tissue (Kleenex or Puffs of course), 2 rolls of Bounty papertowels, and a box of 1 gallon Ziploc bags.  One year I got a note from my son's teacher stating that I hadn't sent in the tissue.  I wrote back to her... Oh thats okay, he doesn't use tissue, he uses his teeshirt.  She did not ask for the tissue again.  Now if they asked for toilet paper, well, that I could understand.

Every year my kids force me to buy brand new backpacks and lunch boxes.  Why they can't use last years backpacks I don't know, I guess its a fashion thing, you know, sooooo last year and all!  And lunch boxes?  On the mornings that we get up with enough time to pack a lunch, they suddenly remember that they've forgetten the lunchbox at school, and we end up using papersacks, or the ever handy blue Wal-mart bag.  Last year when it was all said and done we had spent on the average $75 per child on school supplies.  We should have automatically have qualified for free lunches for at least the first month of school after that huge chunk was taken out of our monthly income.  Un-be-fricken-lievable!

The Bald Son

Well, its almost a new day.  I'm still not used to my near-bald son, but its getting a little easier to talk about him going into the military.  And yes, I am soooo very proud of him for making this decision.  Actually its a 4 part decision.  He's joining the military to serve his country, he's providing for his unborn child, he's securing a future for himself, and he donated his beautiful long hair to help someone less fortunate.  Oh yeah, and 5..... he's moving out and I'll have my computer room back.  Truth be know I'd be just as happy with him shacking up here forever, but my little birdie must spread his wings and fly!

Been getting a lot of calls lately from non-profit organizations soliciting for donations, and politicians looking for votes.  I just tell them to call back later when my rich husband is home (he's not really rich, but they get excited and hang up), and the politicians, I just tell them that I'll vote for them if they never call again.  The NRA is also a frequent harrasser being as my husband is a member and on their 'sucker list'.  I just tell them 'I have a gun and I know how to use it'.  They quickly offer to call back later when my husband is home.  I'm honestly thinking about taking us off of the no-call list.  At least those telemarketers had personality, they knew they had to make a sell or they weren't getting a paycheck.  You could have fun with them!  These non-profit guys, heck, they don't care, they're one big tax right-off!  And those campaigners, they're more fickle than Kerry.  If you tell them 'no' on a Democratic call, they'll mark your number with a red R and call back the next night campaigning for the Republican party.

I'm going to start rationing toilet paper.  We have 3 bathrooms for the 7 of us.  I buy 3 packs of toilet tissue every 2 weeks, one for each bathroom.  We never have enough paper to last the 2 week period.  I don't understand why because nobody wipes their butt!  I have proof!  I walk in all the time to an unflushed bowl full of lincoln logs and no Charmin!  First of all, thats just disgusting!  Second of all, phew!  This morning I was in the girls bathroom and found myself having to duckwalk around the bathroom looking for scraps on the discarded cardboardtoilet paper tubes just so I could wipe!  Give me a BREAK!  There is NEVER toilet paper in their pee punch concoction, so where is it!  From now on, its 3 squares for a swipe, 6 for a log, and 2x6 for a squirt. Monthly female issues are negotiable.

THE 'AFTER' SHOT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, he did it!  Its so strange to see his scalp and neck.  His hair hasn't been this short in over 10 years!  He saved a lock for me, a scalplock for his scrapbook, and the rest went to Locks for Love.  I can't believe how much he's starting to look like his dad... its SCARY!

WRITTEN WITH A HEAVY HEART

This is my oldest boy Gabriel.  He turns 20 in August.  Once upon a time, when we lived in North Carolina he used to tear up the Pow Wow grounds as a champion Traditional dancer.  Oh my lord, I loved watching him dance, he was just a young boy but it was like watching something magical and spiritual.  He danced with all the grace and wisdom of his ancestors.  I have seen people of all ages with tears in their eyes after watching him dance, he was that natural.

This picture was taken just minutes ago.  This will be the last picture taken of him with long hair for a long time.  He is off to get it cut off.  After his 20th birthday he intends to enlist in the army.  He did not want the barber at boot camp to cut his hair, which is being donated to Locks for Love.

And so it is with great pride, and fear that I support him in this new adventure in his life.  He has decided that by joining the military he will be able to guarantee some kind of future for his unborn child, and with the draft hoovering in the near future he's decided to join on his own terms.  This is his most mature and responsible decision in all of his young life.  I am terrified!  And I am so very proud.  Ah, now, I think I will go and cry.

NON-PROFIT GROUP

I was wondering, does a family qualify as a non-profit group?  Because there is absolutely no profit involved in my family or our income!  If you don't believe me just take a peek into my savings account... the balance is .01.  Seriously, I have one penny in my savings account.  I think the only reason the bank hasn't closed my account is because they've probably never had to deal with a one cent balance before.  With my luck they'll assess a service fee and I'll be over drawn.  As for being non-profit, I'm not looking for a hand out, just a tax exempt status would be nice.

MOAN-DAY

Its Back to School season at my job and the moment I've been waiting for all year has finally arrived.  I rush to the front of the store where I hear they have placed it... the 6 foot tall carasol of personalized stationery items.... pencils, pens, rulers, calculators, erasers, memo pads, you name it, they have it... and ALL PERSONALIZED with every name in the world... except for mine!  This can not be true!  I search in vain behind the other names, just incase they had run out of room and stuck my name in the back, but for the hundreth year in a row my name is not worthy of the personlized stationery line.  My friends are already grabbing arms full of their names, then guiltily hide them behind their backs because they know... JODY ... with a 'y' is not there.  I give them a half-hearted smile and turn away so that they can resume their shopping spree. 

That was how my day started, then it was a 1 1/2 hour meeting with my co-workers, and a boss who seemed to stare at me the whole time he was pointing out what was wrong with the way we were working, and I just stared back at him, hoping that he just had those kind of eyes that seemed to follow you no matter where you stood and that the others were all thinking that he was staring at THEM... but probably not.  Oh well, I didn't think I was guilty of anything he pointed out and he certainly didn't call me by name.  But those eyes!  Brrrrrrrrrrrr!

I was glad to finally make it home after work, and back to the loving, caring family who greets me at the driveway with a loud 'Hi Mom, whats for supper?'  I almost reply 'fingernails, boogers and spit', but the neighbors are out and I don't want them to think that I feed my kids the same thing EVERY night. 

So after a little rest (spent on the computer, of course) I set a pot of 'pressed and formed' skinless pork, chicken and beef by-product weiners on the stove, put a lid on, and set it on high.  30 minutes later I discover that you don't need to spend $4 on a pack of Ball Park Franks to have hotdogs 'plump' when you cook them.  These guys got so big and fat that they literally exploded!  And they only cost me 74¢ for a pack of 8!  What a deal huh?  Hey, I'm feeling better already!

A BIGGER AND BETTER BUTT!

My butt feels much better folks, thank you.  Seems I pinched my sciatic nerve.  No, I didn't go to the doctor, I'm not too keen about shoving my bare neked butt under an xray and saying 'it hurts here doctor!'  I have taken some anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxing drugs.  I suggested that my husband get one of them turkey injectors, fill it full of tequila and just inject it straight into the injured area but he's got a thing about needles so he wouldn't oblige me.... dang chicken!  But seriously, I am feeling much better.  Thanks for all of the 'hope your butt gets better' prayers. 

THE PERILS OF DUST BUNNY RELOCATION

Agh!  Folks, I am in pain!  I was trying to straighten up the kitchen and dining room just a little before work, there were bags of groceries on the floor by the frige from yesterday's shopping trip and the table has last nights supper dishes on it... So anyhow I thought I'd do what I could in the time that I had.  I got the gallon can of Nacho cheese (my kids eyes lit up like Christmas when they saw me come in with that Dairy Delicacy but Colesteral and Saturated Fat Disaster... "Thats MY cheese, Not Yo Cheese!"  Poor Steve was so sick of hearing that by the time we got home from Sams) I tried to put it in the frige, but there wasn't enough room so I had to rearrange one of the shelves.  When I had the room I bent over to pick up the gallon can I had set on the floor, and lifted.  As soon as I felt the pain I remembered that I should have bent my knees for a proper lift.  But it was just a one gallon can of cheese!  That pain shot up my butt cheek to my hip, and then down my leg.  Its throbbing as I sit and contemplate how I'm going to manage today.  One thing's for sure, I'm not calling in sick for work because then I'd had to explain that I busted my butt.  Hopefully its just a pinched nerve and will work itself out, but OW!  I've heard of a pain in the butt, but this is not my idea of fun!  It couldn't be my pinkie finger, or my ear lobe, no, I had to go and pull the biggest muscle in my body!  Maybe I should wake Dickidoo up.  "My butt hurts, kiss it better?"  Hmmmmm, that would be like saying "Kiss my arse", only literally!  This could actually be fun, if I didn't hurt so bad.  Thats okay though, I'll live.  It only hurts when I stand up, or sit down, or bend over, or stretch.  Other than that I'm fine!

LUNCH OUT ON THE TOWN

The family went out to eat lunch.  We had Yakitori Chicken, Tangy Boneless Buffalo Chicken, Tender Zesty Pulled BBQ Pork, Iced Raspberry Tea, and Melt in Your Mouth Chocolates for dessert.  Thats the best thing about shopping at Sams Clubs, if you time it just right you can make a meal of the samples!  I wonder when their little liquor store is going to start passing out samples, I could have my next party there.

NATURAL 'FEEL GOODS'

Everyone knows how good it feels to laugh, and nothing quite beats the toe-tingling fireworks of sex, but there are so many other stimulants that just feel so darn good, and yet nobody ever talks about them.  For instance, in all of the journals I've read, only one other blogger mentioned how good a Q-tip feels in the ear.  And if that doesn't get the itch that you have way down deep in your ear, just turn the speakers up on your stereo and put your head to it, that should do the trick.

Other 'feel goods' includ sneezing, yawning, farting and good old fashioned burping!  The release of pressure is immediately gratifying.  Then there is the simple act of scratching an itch.  Try resisting an itch for as long as you can, and when you can no longer stand it, scratch gently.  Ahhhhhhhh! Its almost orgasmic!

Have you ever been so congested that you couldn't breath, and then suddenly the flood gates open and your sinuses drain, and you can actually feel it running out.  Of course you start choking and have to hack up that loogie, but you know you're thinking.... 'dang, that felt GOOD'! 

Your knuckles are stiff so you bend them backwards and are rewarded by  a loud resounding crack.  People around you cringe but you don't care because it felt so good you decide to crack ALL of your knuckles.

The only good thing about costipation is when the dam finally gives way, either naturally or with the aid of Exlax.  You sit there on your throne and give a big sigh of relief similar to the one you gave after your child was born.  Another great 'relief' feel-good is when you are finally able to empty your bladder after being forced to hold it for a long time.  I've actually heard people sighing with pleasure in public restrooms.  And yep, I'm guilty of that pleasure myself.

Ever had a splinter?  Do you remember how you felt when the sliver finally came out?  Was it relief, or pleasure?  Think about the next time you get one.  And zits... now thats one I never got into but my husband loves to have his back picked on.  And scabs.... what is it about scabs that some people just feel the need to pick?  Ewwwww!  Not me, but there are a vast number of people who practice that strange obsession.

And one of my favorites.... eye boogers!  I'll swipe the corner of my eye and get a hold of one that drags across my eye, and up and behind, and under the lid  and by the time it finally comes out or breaks my back is twitching, my eye is rolled back into my head and my leg is twitching like a dog getting its belly rubbed.  With all of these natural 'feel-goods', who needs drugs?  Now please excuse me while I go pick some eye boogers.

MY WATERPROOFED SON

This picture was just taken moments ago as my son left for work at the boobie bar.  It had just started pouring outside... again... and he didn't want to get his shoes wet so he jumped into a pair of limited edition Wal-Mart golashes.  Poor kid knew exactly what I was up to when I showed up with my camera.  "I know, that is sooooooo going into your Dust Bunny thing" he groaned.  He's not often right about me, but this time he nailed it right on!

TIN CAN GOURMET

Cooking is one of my few passions and talents.  So is procrastination, so while I may have all kinds of ingredients for a wonderful 4 course meal that would make Martha Stewart rushing to join the Dust Bunnies just to get my secrets, most nights I'm so busy being tired after work that I don't even get up to contemplate what to fix until its too late for anything except for hotdogs and other heat-n-serve delicacies.

Last night it was 'chili cheese tater tot casserole', a light fluffy layer of golden brown formed potato nuggets bathing in a warm coating of Hormel chili (with beans) and topped with a generous sprinkle of finely shredded colby and jack cheeses.  It was inspired by an order of chili cheese fries from Sonic which is a favorite of my family.  Personally my palet screams in protest at anything placed on potatoes other than salt, pepper, sour cream or gravy, but my desire to please my family occasionally outweighs my personal preference.

Okay, honestly.... I was desparate.  It was 8 o'clock and my kids hadn't eatten dinner yet.  I rummaged through the cupboards and refrigerator.  There was all kinds of possibilites, but nothing that would be ready for consumption within the next half hour, so I grabbed a can of chili and a pack of hot dogs.  Wait.... we just had hot dogs two nights ago... I try not to repeat a menu for atleast 3 days so that wouldn't do.  Ahhhh, good ole tater tots!  Hey, if Sonic can sell them as a regular menu item they can't be all that bad.

So I dump everything together in a dish.  Actually it was 2 dishes because all of my big pans were dirty and I didn't want to waste precious time washing them... So two pans it was.  I assembled the casserole and got it into the oven in record time.  I didn't even bother to set the timer.  Whats the point?  It doesn't matter how long it would take to heat up the casserole, the kids needed to eat by 8:30 so that sucker was coming out then, ready or not!  Besides, everything was precooked, it was just a matter of heating it through.  If it was still a little cold, no big deal, at least they won't have to worry about burning their mouth when they eat it.

8:30 and I can hear my kids stomachs rumbling.  They're either very hungry, or those chimichangas from yesterday are still working in their systems.  Nothing like a little bit of chili to add to the mixture huh?  I rush up stairs to pull the casserole out, but no potholders.  Now this I don't get... potholders are only used for one thing... removing hot pots and pans from the stove and oven.  They are only used in one room in the whole house.  They are usually purchased in pairs.  I am the only one who ever uses them.  So why oh WHY can I never find them when I need them?  Every year I buy new potholders, along with matching dish clothes, dish towels and throw rugs for the kitchen, kind of a weak attempt at a kitchen make-over.  The dish clothes usually end up in the bathroom towel closet, the dishtowels in the garage and the rugs get pushed up under the cupboards and shelves.  The potholders just vanish, poof!, into thin air.  Actually there's probably a whole stash of them, along with all of those rolls of toilet paper that keep mysteriously disappearing from my house.

So I end up folding up a bunch of paper towels to make a disposable potholder and remove the casseroles from the oven.  My kids wolf the culinary delight down and hold out their designer Chinet plates in a plea for more.  They love it and my life is complete.  I have provided for my family.  I, on the other hand hated the concoction and thought it looked like, well, gross!  But the kids liked it so I guess its a keeper.  I'll just stick with a salad though, thank you very much.

WHAT EXACTLY IS A 'DUST BUNNY'?

I was recently asked what a 'dust bunny' was and realized that I had no formal definition for the creature so I turned to my online dictionary.  According to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, the word 'dust bunny' is not in the dictionary.  So I turned to the encyclopedia.  I found this definition in the Peaks English Slang Encyclopedia. 

dust bunny: A pile of dust on the floor, usually under a couch or in a corner; a collection of dry particulate matter that resembles a small living creature.

Well, I didn't agree with that definition so I've composed my own official definition, which as the President of the Dust Bunny Club of North America I am entitled to do.  So.....

Dust bunny: dust bun·ny   a fast reproducing organism that is part marsupial, part rodent, and part varmint that are commonly found inhabiting human dwellings. 

The life of a dust bunny begins as a microscopic spore of dust that evolves in the warmth of a pocket and metamorphoses into a pocket fluff.  From the fluff stage it begins its journey to the outside world, usually emerging from the safety of jeans pockets and into the wash.  The young dust bunnies who come out in the wash rarely make it past the first rinse cycle.  Those that are lucky to survive still have the second rince and the final spin cycle. 

It is in the drying cycle that the dust bunnies are transformed into the creatures that we have come to know and despair.  The warm air puffs the newly washed pocket fluff up and gives it the gift of flight.  The dust bunnies are then able to migrate from the dryer via the vent and the clothing.  Unfortunately many young dust bunnies will not make the last sprint for freedom and end up in the lint catcher.  Even then all is not lost and a determined dust bunny can still escape the dryer fluff and flee to the safety of the laundry room corners and crevices.

Mature dust bunnies are often found under furniture, in corners, behind books and in the glasses you never use until your sister-in-law decides to get herself a drink during her annual visit.  They have the timing of a cockroach and while you can search and search for them, they will not make their presence known until company arrives and it is too late to clean up after them.  Dust bunnies do not cause illness or disease although they have been known to trigger allergies and athsma.  They are also known to cause severe embarrassment on occasion.

The life span of a dust bunny depends on the enviroment.  For instance, a common dust bunny that inhabits my house thrive and tend to have a longer life span than one that would dwell in my sister's house.  Dust bunny populations can be controlled with... what else, a Dust Buster! Swiffers are also effective. But be warned, dust bunnies do not need a partner to reproduce, all they need is a tiny speck of dust and little bit of procrastination!

LAUNDRY

I'm still trying to unpack from California.  The laundry pile is huge, we must have enough clothes there to stock a Walmart for Back to School!  I'm tempted to throw all the clothes away and just start out with clean, NEW clothes.  And only 7 outfits per person.  That way even if every piece of clothing is dirty, there will only be 49 underwear, 14 bras, 49 pairs of pants, 49 shirts and 49 pairs of socks to wash.  Sometimes I envy animals.  They don't have to worry about doing laundry cos they're naked except for fur.  Of course they have to lick themselves clean and lets face it, there are many places on my body that my tongue cannot reach!

Just had to throw this one in...

What is the female version for 'dickidoo'?

'Boobidoo', which is when your stomach sticks out farther than your boobies do!

Thanks to my friend at Hestia Academy for Young Wild Women for the inspiration.

And this one is for  Vincci's Pink Thoughts

<Do fishies really pee though?
Smiles!
Vincci>

Well, I've never actually seen a fish pee, but I have seen a porpoise pee at Sea Life Park in Hawaii.  I know they  do #2 though, cos it just kind of hangs out of their little fish butt like a piece of long black spaghetti until it finally breaks off and falls to the bottom of the tank.  Come to think of it, I don't think fish have butts, just butt holes.  Hmmmmm, never thought of that before. See, sometimes I even amaze myself.

And this comment was just too good to hide, I have to share it with you all.

<isn't it just groovy when the goldfish are swimming along, just chillin' and they come across a piece o' floating poopie and eat it?  of course, after they get the taste, they spit it right out.  my dummy fish do that alot.  why am i watching when i have so much to do?  i dunno.  
Comment from geminiwilder- 7/20/04 11:39 AM >

POOR FISHES!

Not really... their home is now cleaner than mine now.  Nope, I didn't wait for my son to clean it, those poor little guys would have been on their way to Fishy Heaven via the toilet if I were to do that.  So I've cleaned the tank and put in fresh water.  After all that cleaning I'm all tuckered out.  I think I need to sit back and relax for the rest of the night.

The fish tank

My son keeps a couple of fish in a small tank in my computer room where he is temporarily shacking up until he figures out what he's going to do with his life.  So these little bug-eyed critters swim and swish around in their little mini-ecosystem day and night, round and around they go.  Usually when I sit down at the computer they come to my side of the tank and stare at me.  Lately now days though they seem sad and look at me with puppy dog eyes... yes, fish can have puppy dogs eyes... and the reason suddenly dawned on me.... the answer was right there in one of my earlier entries...  Fish pee in the water they swim in.   The water hasn't been changed since he moved in back in May... those poor little guys have been swimming around in their own pee for 2 1/2 months!   Can you imagine?  And I thought MY house was bad!

CONFESSIONS

*  I want a clean house, I just don't want to be the one who does the cleaning.

*  I love to cook and am very good at it, I  just don't cook very often because I hate cleaning up after myself.

*  Washing dishes is easy once I get started... its the getting started thats hard!

*  I enjoy a buzz from alcohol but beer and Sauza tequila are the only ones that don't give me the hives so I rarely drink enough to get drunk.

*  I like the feeling of sneezing.

*  I am built like a hobbit, short with large feet that don't like to be in shoes.

*  I don't have a set laundry day, I just wait until all of my clothes are dirty and then I wash them.

*  I don't water my yard, no sence wasting good water on weeds.

*  I don't do windows or baseboards, mine haven't been cleaned since we moved in 5 years ago.

*  I don't have caller ID, I'll talk to anyone!

*  The longest I've left a Christmas tree up is August, when my husband was in Korea (even though he spent Xmas with us).  

*  I have 2 clocks in the house that I never change with daylight savings, that way they're already set when its time to 'fall behind'.

*  I don't have any calendars.

*  I don't wear a watch and am almost always late for almost everything.

*  I drink out of a mason jar at home, I even have a huge 2 quart jar for iced tea that my friend gave me.

*  I am Okinawan.... I am only Indian by injection.

*  Liver and lima beans are the only foods I will not eat, I love raw fish.

*  I like the smell of gasoline, I don't sniff it though because it's too expensive ($2.05 a gallon!).

*  When I was in high school I used to dress in my school clothes before I went to bed so I could sleep longer in the morning.

*  When my shoes get dirty I just throw them away and get a new pair... I wish I could do the same with my house but a new house costs a little more than a pair of sneakers.

 

Puff'n'Stuff (not really, just felt like typing that)

It rained all day today.  Correction, it poured all day.  It got so bad that I almost turned my F150 pick-up around to go back home after lunch, cars were stalling in the flooded streets, some were floating away in the intersections... and that was just my neighborhood!  The highway was even worse.  I was in such a yucky mood I was just looking for disaster and kept on driving.  I saw little Honda's and Grand Am's sailing by and I thought... why not a Ford pick-up?  But just because I wanted it to happen... it didn't.  I kept my traction and sent wakes that washed the smaller stranded vehicles onto the sidewalk.   I'll bet the reason I didn't stall out and float away like the other vehicles on the road was because all of the stranded drivers were watching my big red pickup coming their way and they were probably all praying like crazy 'please Lord don't let that truck float into my car'!  So anyhow their prayers were answered.  They got towed off and got to go home while  I had to keep on going and return to work.

Its rained almost every day for the past 3 weeks.  This is awesome since we've been in a drought for the past 5 years.  This may still not be enough to have any long term effects, but the weeds in my yard are thriving!  We actually had to mow the yard when we got back from California!  Needless to say our weekend camping trip has been cancelled.  Just as well, I'm still trying to recouperate from vacation... and besides, I'm just not in any hurry to jump back into a tent after my last few experiences.  With my luck we'll be camped next to quicksand or poison ivy.

So what will I do this weekend?  I can think of a ton of things I should do, but I'm really not in a 'should' kind of mood.  Its more like a 'shouldn't' type of weekend.  Yeah, thats what I'll do.... everything I shouldn't!  I'm kicking off my goody-2-shoes... (never liked wearing shoes anyhow) and I'm just gonna be bad!  Hmmmm, funny how much trouble I could have gotten into as a teenager and young adult had I ever gotten caught doing some of the 'bad' things I used to do then.  And now that I'm older, 'bad' is eatting a pound of chocolate or putting Tabasco on your eggs for breakfast.  Its using 2 shakes of salt instead of just 1, or reading a romance novel after midnight.  Bad is taking an extra serving of cheesecake when you know everyone else had their eyes on it... its skipping the salad and going straight to the pasta.  Its a double shot instead of a single, 2 scoops instead of just 1.  Yep, neat thing about being a bad adult is most of the time you can't go to jail for it, and if you're really bad, there's always Dornbrau's Miracle Weightloss Program!  So bring it on cos this weekend I'm gonna be Bad to the Bone!

My new coffee cup

Got a new coffee cup at Disneyland.  Actually 'coffee pot' would be more accurate.  That sucker holds half a pot of caffeine in it, and yes, I have actually gone back for seconds... I'm that bad!  Its got Tigger on it and says something about a caffeine overload on the inside.  Yep, that explains Tiggers bouncing and trouncing. 

Read a story this morning about some guy who is on a mission to visit EVERY Starbucks Coffee Store/Cafe in the world.  Now I like coffee, but not that much!  And Starbucks isn't 'real' coffee (sorry BigRed...), it specializes in 'foofy' coffee like lattes and cappucino.  This guy is just going in, grabbing half a cup of regular coffee and off he goes.  Apparently he's starting to dislike the taste of coffee.  (I drink on the average 4 cups a day, or 8 half cups... this would not be an issue with me)  So why do it?  Just to say he did?  Oh well, if that is the path he has chosen for his life, more power to him.  If I had that kind of time on my hand to waste in frivelous persuit of some wacky record I would probably like to sip a glass of wine from every winery in the world, or get a lap dance from every Chippendale dancer, or shake the hands of every world leader (not really, I just put that in just incase my parents read this).  Or maybe to sail on every ocean, or watch a sunrise and sunset from every country in the world... that would be cool.  But to go to every Starbucks just to drink half a cup of coffee that he doesn't even like any more?  That is just such a tragic waste of time.... and coffee!

 

 

Dust Bunny Quotes

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the Dust Bunny Archives, hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed living them.  Dorn  

 I almost thanked the guy for installing a new wall outlet by the window only to realize later that the outlet had been there since we had moved in 5 years ago, it had just been hidden behind the curtains the previous owners had left and we had never gotten around to changing.

I like the winter, because its the one time of the year when my lawn looks the same as everyone else's.... brown and dead!   

Don't swallow your bubble gum because if you fart you will blow a bubble out your butt!  

All morning long the judge repeated the same dialog, changing only the name and the offense, barely even glancing up from his stack of files.  He read my charge and asked if I had read and agreed to the plea.  I leaned over to the microphone and agreed as I had practiced over and over in my head... only this time my voice caught and all that came out was a very definate 'Ass!'.   

The clean laundry pile is actually taller than the dirty laundry pile

I'm not really sure what this whole 'low carb' craze is about, but if it means eatting my burger wrapped in a lettuce leaf instead of a bun then count me out!  GIVE ME THE CARBS MAN!  

What is it about holes that kids have to stick things into them... to include holes in their face!   

Heck, if I were a car, I'd be a classic!  

My house is full of domestic sculptures... tall abstract towers of dishes painted with various hues and textures of meals-gone-by, and woven mounds of clothes that dare you to scratch-n-sniff to determine the age of that particular piece.  

Woooo Hoooo!  500 hits!  Okay, 478 were from me, but man that looksnice on the counter!  

Kitty was a skunk! Why that creature didn't spray them that night while they chased it across the yard for almost an hour I'll never know.  

My bathroom mirror now has a disclaimer on it that reads:  WARNING:  Objects may appear larger than they really are!

The Dirty Dish Fairy had once again skipped my house.  Last night's dinner dishes decorated the counter and sink, pots and pans still on the stovetop.

I used to tell my boys that if they were bad  I'd make them wear purple pajamas and send them to the Bad Boy Place with their other brother. 

Well, this is it, the last day of school for the kids, which means my vacation is over.

I'm very diligent about recycling 2 things.  First of all, I recycle air.  That is directly beneficial to the ecology.  I breath in and then I breath out in a never-ending cycle.  The earth helps me and I in turn help the earth.  Secondly, I recycle my paycheck which is more of an economic benefit, but it benefits the country none the less. 

What I like best about the treadmill is that theres a drink holder there where I can set my beer while I'm exercizing! 

When the contractions began for the fifth pregnancy I suddenly remembered... 'Oh yeah, this hurts!'  Unfortunately by that time is was too late for a condom. 

After 5 children I called it quits and had my husband neutered.

He's bald!  Peter Frampton is bald!

Ever been in a warm tent that has a couple pairs of socks that had been reused for 2 days in a row?  My eyes were watering so bad I couldn't even see.

My plan to send the chili up on Friday night so the air would be clear of the after affects by the time I got up there.... didn't work.  The whole camp had gas sooo bad I was afraid to light a match.

The8 pound ball of lead dropped right into his lap.  His head went down and his knees went up as he howled.

Do not describe your child's teacher as a dork infront of your child, he will tell her the next day.

Do not drink 2 bottles of MD 20/20 just because it tastes like Kool-ade.  It is not Kool-ade and will not taste like Kool-ade on the way back up.

Hello, my name is Dorn, and I am a Blogging Addict. 

I found one  (turd) in the toilet the other day soooooo big that it just wouldn't flush, even after 6 tries.  How do kids make things like that?   I'm not kidding, it had to be at least 10 inches long!  Thats not taking a dump, thats giving birth!  I wasn't sure if I should flush it or slap a diaper on it and give it a name!

Everytime I put down my foot there was an explosion.  I lunged for the wall where I thought the light switches were.  Amidst the noise of these pops I finally found the switch and the foyer was flooded with light.  I was standing in the middle of a minefield of bubblewrap! 

I found something floating in the dishwater, lifeless and waterlogged, its wings limp and translucent.  I am hopping that it was just a moth and not the Dirty Dish Fairy.  Not quite sure, I guiltily flushed it down the toilet before anyone else saw.

I remember once going out to dinner at a nice Italian spot... and fighting over who got to sit on the vibrating reservation alert thingie. 

I've lost 5 pounds since the discovery of the condoms.  I'm sure there's a weightloss fad in there somewhere, I'm just not sure how to market it. 

Boogers freeze in your nostrils in the wintertime.

Dickidoo.  It is a male condition that usually sets in with middle age.  The symptoms are ... when your stomach sticks out farther than your dicky do!

I don't know who invented reusable socks but they should be shot! 

My clevage may not be as deep as it once was, but its LONGER now.

In the beginning, when the world was flat and so was my stomach...

I don't know how she did it but she got everything from the floor to fit under her bed without raising the mattress at all! 

Yes, Your Royal Hineyass, sure, anything you say, Your Royal Hineyass"

So, add watermelon to your list of foods that will pass through your system without digesting if not chewed thoroughly, along with peas, corn, nuts and greens. 

What happens when you kick a leaking dishwasher?  Well, 1 of 3 things can happen.  a) it will stop leaking, b) it will continue to leak or as in my case c) it will leak even more! 

So anyhow, here I sit, sipping on a dainty mug of coffee when what I really wanted to do was to just dump a bunch of creamer in and drink directly from the coffee pot.

I can almost feel the hair growing on my chest.  In fact I'm soooo buzzed on caffeine that I can almost HEAR the hair growing.

My family suffers from a rare phobia, its called 'latrinaphobia', which is the fear of the bathroom.  They rush in and rush out, sometimes not even taking the time to shut the door, and NEVER taking the time to flush, leaving lots of opportunity for strange new discoveries. 

They'll go in and make their addition to the pot and take off without bothering to flush, keep on adding until they got some kind of disgusting 'pee punch...'

Well, time to go slap on my pre-fab face and get ready for work. 

So, here is the secret to Dorn's Miracle Weight Loss Program.  Its very important that you follow ALL of these steps.  Get naked, drop a healthy turd and empty your bladder before weighing yourself!  You'll be amazed by the results!

DIZZYLAND

Okay, this is for all of you sadists who have a scream fetish like my Dickidoo..... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ARIZONA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is Rocky on our way out, as you saw in the later picture, there was a big difference in her demeanor by the end of the trip. Our first stop was in Arizona where we took a ride on the Santa Fe Express. Okay, not really, we just kind of sat on it, but it was fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the snake that I had a tug of war with. It obviously bit off more than it could chew. These pictures were taken on the Hopi Indian Reservation in Keams Canyon, Arizona. The group picture was taken at the Hopi Cultural Center.

GRAND CANYON

We spent one night and day in the Grand Canyon National Park.  We got in for free because of our tribal affiliation and only had to pay the $10 for camping.  So we had to set up the crippled tent again, but this time I picked out the site, and made sure it was far from any holes or canyons!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are my Rocky Mountain Ducks. All that Hopi food gave them ( not me... I don't fart, remember?) gas sooooo bad. They just sat there and tooted in harmony. I swear I even heard an echo across the canyon!

HOOVER DAM

Did you ever wonder where all that water from the Hoover Dam comes from?  Well, this investigative reporter has busted the scam wide open!  Just follow the water hoses and you see the truth!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DISNEYLAND

Zack finally got to meet his hero, Yoda, the Jedi Master.

And although we passed the club where the Chippendale Dancers were performing, Rocky was the only one who actually got to touch Chip... or Dale... which ever!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As for me, I just sat there missing my computer.

DISNEYLAND

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Didn't realize that Mickey Mouse had a mean bone in his body until he pulled Rocky's hair! The characters were all so awesome and even signed autographs, which is somewhat of a feat with only 4 fingers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rocky and Art found an air vent and started clowning around. Before long they had their own little audience. I was tempted to pass a hat around for donations to help pay for this vacation.

Vacation's end

Art is ready for take off at the Air Museum somewhere along the way.  After we left Colorado I lost all track of time and space.

 

 

 

 

 

Here we have the 'crew' of the P51 Man-O-War.  Steve and Zack are standing with Steve's Uncle Elmer Ward (the owner of the vintage airplane) and Wayne, a mechanic for the plane.  The plane flys out of Chino, CA.

 

 

 

 

 

Zack needs a little help to cross the finish line at Magic Mountain. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the end of the trip little Rocky is plum worn out, as are the rest of us.

A picture worth a thousand words.

Sometimes you can shoot hundreds of pictures and only come out with a few pictures that really say something. In my case I went clear over to California and back again before I came across this scenery right here in Colorado. To some it may just appear as a telephone pole in the sunset. To me it was a reminder and I gave thanks for a safe journey.

HONEY, I'M HOME!

This past week was absolutely fabulous!  First of all, when we went to pick up the mini-van from the rental place, the guy at the desk quickly determined that I was definitely not the Carol Brady soccer mom mini-van driving kind of person and offered us an Excursion for the same price.  It would end up costing us in gas (15 to the gallon), but the kids each had a window seat with an empty seat between them... no touching!  That made it all worth it! 

Our first stop was Arizona, at the Hopi reservation.  We arrived there late and had to set up the tent in the dark.  My husband made sure to warn all of the kids about the hole behind the tent but for some reason neglected to mention it to me, and me being the accident magnet that I am, I fell right into it while trying to secure a line.  I grabbed the nearest thing which just happened to be the tent pole which snapped since I hadn't been able to practice my miracle weightloss method prior to setting up the tent and was carrying a little 'extra weight'.  Luckily the pole was the only thing to break and aside from a few bruises I was fine.  Unfortunately once it was determined that I would live, I then became the target of every 'hole' joke imaginable.

We went up to the ruins of the Walpi village where my husband's grandfather was born and raised.  There was a family still living there among the ruins and the gentleman gave us a tour of a kiva and the surrounding area.  Later, in the newer part of the village we met up with a relative, many times removed, of my husband.  It was funny because we had parked infront of her house while looking at some kachinas and she had come out to speak with my children, and mentioned that she knew the name.  When we went into her house, which doubled as a store, we noticed some beautiful prints of kachinas and then noticed that the artist was a distant cousin!

From there we went to the Grand Canyon.  I made sure that we set the tent up in the daylight because lets face it, the Grand Canyon is a very deep hole to fall into!  Later we walked over to the Desert View to watch the sunset.  My kids were so loud and finally I told them that if they didn't hush the sun would not set.  And the entire place went silent.  EVERYONE shut up!  I couldn't believe it.  I guess my 'mommy' voice works after all.  The silence lasted for about 3 minutes, until one of the kids cracked a fart.  I looked at the tourists beside me and explained.... 'Rocky Mountain Ducks'.  They nodded and smiled, and I knew they hadn't understood a word I said, until the smell hit them.  The nose needs no translation!

We pitched our tent under the roosting tree of the Grand Canyon Roosters.  Those would be crows, who actually wake earlier than the common barnyard rooster, and 'caw' non-stop until your ears ring.  Of the hundrends of thousands of trees in the whole canyon, they had to perch on the tree right above my tent!

Then it was on to the Hoover Dam.  It was 108 when we stepped out of the vehicle.  I almost melted.  The heat was way too much for me and after a quick tour of the area I took the kids back to the coolness of the truck.  That was just way too hot for me.

We reached Canyon Country, CA late in the evening.  The next day we went to the marina at Santa Monica.  It was so nice to see the ocean again.  I practically grew up in the Pacific and that is probably my only regret about moving to the mountains.

The following day it was on to Disneyland where we would spend $600 in 3 days!  The best thing to come out of that trip was me over-coming my phobia for roller coasters.  In an effort to prove to my young nephew that they were fun (and to prove to my kids that their mama wasn't a chicken), I got on first one, then another and another.... and NO!  I am not cured,  I screamed the whole time, and I have pictures to prove it... Wouldn't you know, Dickidoo went and bought every picture the  park took of me screaming in terror!  The one picture they got of me smiling he didn't purchase.. because I wasn't screaming!  You know, I really think that hole in Arizona was no accident!

We took a break from the adrenaline the next day and went out to Chino to visit some  relatives of my husband.  His aunt and uncle are just wonderful!  Lois is a petite woman with white hair and a twinkle in her eyes.  Elmer is on the onset of Alzheimer's, but oh buddy is he a funny guy!  He is the owner of the P51 Mustang Man-O-War, which is a fighter plane from WWII.  Every once in a while his eyes cloud over with confusion and Lois patiently explains to him, and then he'll snap back into the present and he is such a funny and charming... and intelligent person. 

And if Disneyland wasn't enough, we went to Magic Mountain next.  That was uncomfortably hot.  Six Flags doesn't cater to the park goers the way Disney does, and while their rides are a little more exciting and heart-attack-inducing, their general setup leaves a lot to be desired.  Still, we had a great time and Dickidoo added another picture of me screaming to his collecting.  I'm thinking he has some kind of sick fetish going there.  Rocky got a leaf and started rubbing her face with it.  I told her to stop incase it was poisonous (it wasn't, but I wanted her to think), and she just rubbed it on her face harder.  With in 24 hours she has a red rash.  Now she has zit like blisters all over where she rubbed the leaf.  No, it wasn't poison ivy, just hibiscus which has a tiny hair like thing on the under side of the leave.  It doesn't itch, just stings.... but we're keeping an eye on her just in case.  I'd like to think that she wouldn't do something like that again, but she probably will.

All too soon it was time to head for home.  My sister-in-law and her husband were awesome hosts.  There was a little apprehension because of a quarrel she and my husband had last summer, and while I still think they need to talk it out and apologize to each other (apologizing is not common in their family I have come to know), it was a very pleasant week.  Brenda became ill from the heat and all the running around so she spent a lot of time at home, but during that time she cooked and cooked and cooked!  My mission now is to find something that can express my gratitude for her efforts. 

We actually stopped off in Vegas on the way home.  Of course Steve didn't stop at Coco Cola town (or what ever its called) which he knew I would love, or Margaritaville, which I begged him to stop at.... but he went straight to Circus Circus, a place he had gone to as a child.  I guess he felt a little bad about not stopping at Margaritaville cos he gave me a 50 dollar bill to spend in the casino.  I would rather have spent it at Coca Cola or Margaritaville, but this was as good as I was going to get so I thanked him and went and blew it all on a few machines.  I kept hearing people around me winning and I wondered... 'why not me?', but oh well.  If I'm ever to get rich I get I have to keep my day job.  Oh wait, I've had that job for 5 years and I'm still not rich.  Hmmmmm.... well, thats no fun!

And anyhow, here we are, back at home.  There is still dirty laundry on the floor, and a couple of forgotten plates had molded over.... the weeds have taken over the front yard,  and my Coca Cola cooler has frozen over, but other than that the house is fine.

Once I unpack I'll get some pictures uploaded.  I promise I won't put them all up (over 300), just my favorites.  I want you all to know that I had to pass up on a lot of photo opportunities because my husband didn't approve of the subject matter.  For instance... I saw a deer on the side of the road.  Not just any deer, but a really flat deer.  Now I didn't know that a deer could get that flat, I mean it was like a deerskin rug, only it had legs!  That bugger was dried and mummified, it was flat as a pancake!  Nobody would believe a 150 pound deer could get that flat... like it was run over by a steamroller or something... and so I wanted a picture, but NO, he wouldn't stop.  I did get a picture of the snake swallowing the lizard.  I tried to take the lizard away from the snake but that only made it mad and we ended up having a tug of war.  The kids made me let go, but I was winning!

Anyhow, I'm off to bed, its been a long 10 days and I've got a lot of catching up to do.  I think I'll start with sleep!   There's no place like home.