Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Dust Bunny Quotes

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the Dust Bunny Archives, hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed living them.  Dorn  

 I almost thanked the guy for installing a new wall outlet by the window only to realize later that the outlet had been there since we had moved in 5 years ago, it had just been hidden behind the curtains the previous owners had left and we had never gotten around to changing.

I like the winter, because its the one time of the year when my lawn looks the same as everyone else's.... brown and dead!   

Don't swallow your bubble gum because if you fart you will blow a bubble out your butt!  

All morning long the judge repeated the same dialog, changing only the name and the offense, barely even glancing up from his stack of files.  He read my charge and asked if I had read and agreed to the plea.  I leaned over to the microphone and agreed as I had practiced over and over in my head... only this time my voice caught and all that came out was a very definate 'Ass!'.   

The clean laundry pile is actually taller than the dirty laundry pile

I'm not really sure what this whole 'low carb' craze is about, but if it means eatting my burger wrapped in a lettuce leaf instead of a bun then count me out!  GIVE ME THE CARBS MAN!  

What is it about holes that kids have to stick things into them... to include holes in their face!   

Heck, if I were a car, I'd be a classic!  

My house is full of domestic sculptures... tall abstract towers of dishes painted with various hues and textures of meals-gone-by, and woven mounds of clothes that dare you to scratch-n-sniff to determine the age of that particular piece.  

Woooo Hoooo!  500 hits!  Okay, 478 were from me, but man that looksnice on the counter!  

Kitty was a skunk! Why that creature didn't spray them that night while they chased it across the yard for almost an hour I'll never know.  

My bathroom mirror now has a disclaimer on it that reads:  WARNING:  Objects may appear larger than they really are!

The Dirty Dish Fairy had once again skipped my house.  Last night's dinner dishes decorated the counter and sink, pots and pans still on the stovetop.

I used to tell my boys that if they were bad  I'd make them wear purple pajamas and send them to the Bad Boy Place with their other brother. 

Well, this is it, the last day of school for the kids, which means my vacation is over.

I'm very diligent about recycling 2 things.  First of all, I recycle air.  That is directly beneficial to the ecology.  I breath in and then I breath out in a never-ending cycle.  The earth helps me and I in turn help the earth.  Secondly, I recycle my paycheck which is more of an economic benefit, but it benefits the country none the less. 

What I like best about the treadmill is that theres a drink holder there where I can set my beer while I'm exercizing! 

When the contractions began for the fifth pregnancy I suddenly remembered... 'Oh yeah, this hurts!'  Unfortunately by that time is was too late for a condom. 

After 5 children I called it quits and had my husband neutered.

He's bald!  Peter Frampton is bald!

Ever been in a warm tent that has a couple pairs of socks that had been reused for 2 days in a row?  My eyes were watering so bad I couldn't even see.

My plan to send the chili up on Friday night so the air would be clear of the after affects by the time I got up there.... didn't work.  The whole camp had gas sooo bad I was afraid to light a match.

The8 pound ball of lead dropped right into his lap.  His head went down and his knees went up as he howled.

Do not describe your child's teacher as a dork infront of your child, he will tell her the next day.

Do not drink 2 bottles of MD 20/20 just because it tastes like Kool-ade.  It is not Kool-ade and will not taste like Kool-ade on the way back up.

Hello, my name is Dorn, and I am a Blogging Addict. 

I found one  (turd) in the toilet the other day soooooo big that it just wouldn't flush, even after 6 tries.  How do kids make things like that?   I'm not kidding, it had to be at least 10 inches long!  Thats not taking a dump, thats giving birth!  I wasn't sure if I should flush it or slap a diaper on it and give it a name!

Everytime I put down my foot there was an explosion.  I lunged for the wall where I thought the light switches were.  Amidst the noise of these pops I finally found the switch and the foyer was flooded with light.  I was standing in the middle of a minefield of bubblewrap! 

I found something floating in the dishwater, lifeless and waterlogged, its wings limp and translucent.  I am hopping that it was just a moth and not the Dirty Dish Fairy.  Not quite sure, I guiltily flushed it down the toilet before anyone else saw.

I remember once going out to dinner at a nice Italian spot... and fighting over who got to sit on the vibrating reservation alert thingie. 

I've lost 5 pounds since the discovery of the condoms.  I'm sure there's a weightloss fad in there somewhere, I'm just not sure how to market it. 

Boogers freeze in your nostrils in the wintertime.

Dickidoo.  It is a male condition that usually sets in with middle age.  The symptoms are ... when your stomach sticks out farther than your dicky do!

I don't know who invented reusable socks but they should be shot! 

My clevage may not be as deep as it once was, but its LONGER now.

In the beginning, when the world was flat and so was my stomach...

I don't know how she did it but she got everything from the floor to fit under her bed without raising the mattress at all! 

Yes, Your Royal Hineyass, sure, anything you say, Your Royal Hineyass"

So, add watermelon to your list of foods that will pass through your system without digesting if not chewed thoroughly, along with peas, corn, nuts and greens. 

What happens when you kick a leaking dishwasher?  Well, 1 of 3 things can happen.  a) it will stop leaking, b) it will continue to leak or as in my case c) it will leak even more! 

So anyhow, here I sit, sipping on a dainty mug of coffee when what I really wanted to do was to just dump a bunch of creamer in and drink directly from the coffee pot.

I can almost feel the hair growing on my chest.  In fact I'm soooo buzzed on caffeine that I can almost HEAR the hair growing.

My family suffers from a rare phobia, its called 'latrinaphobia', which is the fear of the bathroom.  They rush in and rush out, sometimes not even taking the time to shut the door, and NEVER taking the time to flush, leaving lots of opportunity for strange new discoveries. 

They'll go in and make their addition to the pot and take off without bothering to flush, keep on adding until they got some kind of disgusting 'pee punch...'

Well, time to go slap on my pre-fab face and get ready for work. 

So, here is the secret to Dorn's Miracle Weight Loss Program.  Its very important that you follow ALL of these steps.  Get naked, drop a healthy turd and empty your bladder before weighing yourself!  You'll be amazed by the results!


ryanagi said...

Dorn, you are a scream. LOL -B

sunshine38585 said...

lmao Dorn you have done it again. Re- reading these was as funny as reading them for the first time!! lol I will laugh for weeks now.

emfeasel said...

These are hilarious!


angieabk said...

Well I'm all caught up.  Saw all the pictures..  GREAT!!!!  I'm so glad that you had fun!  Maybe Dickiedoo will be nicer now!

Have a great day!

heartsingr said...

Oh my, this entry is so funny!  Thanks for visiting my journal.  I'm going to keep on reading yours.  It's very good!  :-)

fuzzypanda68 said...

LMAO! Those were equally as funny the second time around. I LOL from top to bottom. Thanx Dorn!


hestiahomeschool said...

Seconds were great! Thanks for the picture!

gatorspictures said...

hehehehehehe. dickidoo is still my favorite. and pee punch.

gatorspictures said...

hehehehehehe. dickidoo is still my favorite. and pee punch.

cnabarry04 said...

oh god i think i peed my pants reading this...rotflmao

cneinhorn said...

LMAO!!!!!  NO, they can't all be true, LOL LOL LOL  Wonderful journal!


floralilia said...

oh my - these are all succulent wisdom worthy...beware - i'm cutting and pasting this entire entry...i love your journal frau dronbrau...

rjet33 said...

You slay me, woman!!!!  How did I miss these!!!!!