PAPARAZZI BY PROXY, and my first week as a SAHM

My husband is a 'paparazzi in denial' which makes me his 'paparazzi by proxy'.  Ever since he bought me the camera he has been dragging me outdoors, sometimes at ungodly hours, to see a photo-op.  He points things out as we're whizzing by on the freeway at 75 miles, and then fusses when I miss the shot.  Last night Rocky, who spends way too much time watching the Food Network with us... set up a plate of sashime (raw fish... yummy!) and paid special attention to the 'presentation'.  she had the fish slices spiraling out from the center of the plate in a very eye-appealing fashion.  I complemented her on the 'presentation', then grabbed a piece of fish, dunked it into the wasabi and soysauce and popped it into my mouth.  Dickidoo gasped in disbelief.

Dickidoo:  'Aren't you going to take a picture of it?'

Boobidoo (thats me):  'No, I'm going to eat it!'

Dickidoo (giving me that look of his that he usually uses on the kids when he is questioning their intelligence) : 'She spent a lot of time on that to make it perfect'

Boobidoo:  'And it is perfectly delicious' 

Dickidoo (gives me that Dickidoo eye-roll that he saves just for me!)

I just got off the phone with him.  I think he spends his day thinking of things for me to do with my newly found free time.  Today's assignment, look for all of our tax papers, and get the information together for submitting our hunting applications.... those are both all day projects.  You know what... maybe dragging my butt out into the cold isn't such a bad idea afterall.

Gotta love the guy though, he warmed up Big Red for me this morning, and even scraped off the windshield, which was nice since he stole my extended windshield scraper for the Hemi and left me with a teenie tiny car scraper... Hmmmmm.... okay, never mind...  I have to say though its been nice actually seeing him.  He's on a brief break from college, his classes start back up next week, but for the past week we've been able to sit down together as a family at the dinner table the way it should be.  You know, I could really get used to this... this 'being a mom and a wife' thing.  One thing's for sure, there's no time to be bored, so for all those folks who predicted that I would go nuts with boredom (myself included!)... that is a non-issue!  It ain't gonna happen!  Not in this lifetime!  Not in this household! 

What is even greater... all the coffee I can drink... anytime I want it!  I love my Bunn-Omatic!

A MESSAGE TO TERRI

Dear Terri, I hope you are finally at rest in your new Home.   For you the fight is over and a New Beginning awaits.  Enjoy and flourish.  For those behind the battle has just begun.  In the days to come I hope the truth will be known and that your legacy will prevent another human from enduring this kind of fate.  Some good has already come of your plight, people are realizing the importance of a will and a living will.  As a society we owe you a debt of gratitude for that in itself.  Peace be with you.

HAUNTED HOUSE, or attack of the Oompa Loompas.

I think I watch too many scary movies.  The last two I watched were The Grudge and The Ring.  Now days I swear I keep seeing something... someone.... running past, just out of the corner of my eye, but when I look back, nobody is there.  When the phone rings I just stare at it, almost afraid to lift it.... afraid I might hear '7 days'... or that horrible clicking sound.  Actually its usually one of the many teachers calling to inform me that the kids are slacking off again, and I give a sigh of relief.  I'm always seeing shadows darting past in the house and for a while I thought it was the long lost hamster.  My former neighbor thought otherwise and insisted that they were spirits or ghosts.   It doesn't help now that my daughters have decided that seeing Mom all paranoid is fun!  They've been doing that creepy clicking sound ever since we watched The Grudge, and this weekend Becca decided to do a little make-up session on Rocky, which I thought was sweet of her... until I saw the end results.  Wicked little Oompa Loompas! 

A DAY ALL TO MYSELF!

It was about 5:45 when Dickidoo woke me up.  "Sun's getting high!" he said in a voice so cheerful that it should be illegal.   He had decided that it would be a great photo-op for me to get up that early to take a picture of the mountains at daybreak.  At 5:45 in the morning, still snuggled deep in the warmth of the blankets I thought it was a terrible idea.  At 6:00 am, standing in the chill of the morning in the vacant bank parking lot, watching the sunlight sweep up the mountainside I changed my mind.  My camera-smarts are still very questionable, but there is no doubt about the magnitude of beauty that lay before me in the early morning hours.

I got home only to discover that Zack had gone back to sleep (lucky dog!).  I got him up, scrounged up some lunch money and shoo'ed the boys off to school, just in time to get the girls up.  Becca had a late start this morning so she got to sleep in with Rocky.  The girls got ready with surprising speed.  I helped Rocky pack her lunch then drove her to school.  From there Becca and I went to breakfast, where I learned that my stomach is not used to eatting before 11am, and will from here on out stick to liquid sustainance... aka COFFEE!  Then on to my old work place (it feels sooo weird going in there now) to buy a present for Becca's friend who is having a party this weekend.  I emerged from the supercenter a poor woman.  This is it, I am offically calling an end to the giving of any more birthday gifts.  I can't afford for my kids friends to grow up!  NO MORE BIRTHDAY PARTIES!  So the kids are all off the school and the rest of the day is mine, right?  Wrong!  Rocky calls to say she left her lunch at home.  Sure enough, there it is, on the dining table behind the cereal box.  No big deal, I grab my camera on my way out so I can get some pictures while I'm out.  I drop off the lunch and the rest of the day is mine, right?  Wrong!  Steve calls, he's on his way home for lunch!

Well, I drive back to meet Steve at the house for lunch.  I spent a little time on the porch with my new neighbor, who wasn't too happy when Steve arrived and stood on the buffet line. I fed Steve and the squirrel, then shoo'ed them away and the rest of the day is finally mine.  Sort of.  I have to drop off a bill for Steve.  Awwww heck, its 1 o'clock, and I have to be back by 3 to pick Rocky up, and then start fixing supper.  Dang it, I may as well just stick around.  Tomorrow Steve takes his lunch to work with him, and if Rocky forgets hers at home, well, I guess she'll be hungry when she gets back home after school.  Tomorrow I'm having the day all to myself!

NOW WHAT?

My fingers are so waterlogged from washing dishes that they are sloshing on the keyboard. Now I remember why I like paper plates so much. The worst thing about not keeping up with your dirty dishes is that after a few days what ever is on them tends to metamorphisize into something so completely unidentifiable and disgusting that you can't believe it was once edible. The good thing is... if you wait a few more days it will completely dry up and chip off, making clean up so much easier.   I have also rediscovered the fact that I hate washing dishes.  After tonight there will be no more eatting in this house!  I am retiring from dish washing!

Its weird not having any routine.  I look around the house and its almost over whelming how much hope is riding on my constant presence.  I'm scared... I'm terrified!  I was so confident that I would give up my career and save the family.  Now I'm not so sure I can do it.  I will do my best, I will give it my all.  But what if its not good enough?  Then what?  This is all I have, and all I am.  What if I can't do it?  There is nothing left for me to quit, no secret weapons, no Plan B, no magic fix-alls.  There is so much riding on me.  I've helped to run a multimillion dollar store, and did it well, but can I run my own home and family?  Steve has so much faith in me, the kids are so happy to be with me... and me?  I've never been so unsure of myself as a parent.   Thank goodness for Dust Bunnies.  At least I know they'll always be here for me.  Nope, thats one thing that isn't going to change around here... LONG LIVE THE DUST BUNNIES!

HAPPY EASTER

There will be no Easter Egg hunt this year for the kids for a number of reasons.  #1, they are too old to hunt eggs.  #2  I am too old to hide eggs, and #3  I spent half the night on a Chocolate Easter Bunny hunt, trying to find out where the kids had put them... and quite honestly I am no longer in a 'happy mommy mood'.  I was so tired by the time I finally located the hollow milk chocolate critters that I was tempted to just dump the foil wrapped bunnies along with the jelly beans, chocolate eggs and Peeps in the middle of the dining table and just let the kids take what they wanted.  Heck with fussing with the Easter Baskets.  Easter baskets?  What Easter baskets!  Last year's baskets didn't survive being home alone with my kids... and this year I just didn't have the funds to replace them, not after that little shopping fiasco yesterday.  Even the stuffed critters fell victim to the budget cuts.  I dumped the color coded plastic Easter grass on some wicker trays that I use for parties, tossed some grudgingly stuffed eggs, rounded up my little Precious Moments Beanie Baby collection and donated some barnyard beanies to the trays and viola... Easter Baskets!  I went to bed at 1:20... or sometime around there.  Of course Dickidoo missed all the fun, he fell asleep on the couch!  My fingers are still blue from dying eggs last night.  I look like I've been digging Papa Smurf's nose.  When is it okay to stop with the Easter bunny stuff?  None of the kids believe it any more so why am I doing this?   I spend my money, I stay up until after midnight packing the baskets, then get up early to prepare breakfast... and who gets all the credit?  The stinking Easter Bunny!  Next year they get their Easter eggs scrambled and their rabbit BBQ'd.  We need to get back to the real meaning of Easter.

SPRINGTIME IN THE ROCKIES

 

Steve woke me up at 7:30 this morning.  'You have to get up' he said... 'Look out the window!'  I did and what can I say... this is the only time of the year that my yard can honestly be called 'beautiful'.  The first 4 pictures are kind of self explanatory, but if you're wondering about the last picture on the bottom... its the trampoline.  There will be no bouncing today... although I'm sure the thought will cross the kids' minds!

STAY AT HOME MOM.... Day 1

I printed pictures all morning for my scrapbook.  Steve came home at lunch and gave me some money to take the kids skating.  No... I don't roller skate.  Once, a long long time ago I fell while skating and injured my tailbone.  I was in pain for more than a year, but would not see a doctor because somehow the idea of sticking my butt under an xray machine to see if I had in fact busted my butt as I suspected was just too humiliating to bear, so I endured the pain in silence.  Once bitten, twice shy... I will NEVER rollerskate again, I wouldn't want to reinjure my bottom.  If the good Lord had intended us to have wheels on our feet he wouldn't have invented trucks!  So anyhow... the plan was for the kids to skate... but we ended up scraping that idea for grocery shopping.  Skating would have been cheaper and a whole lot less painful... even if I had fallen and busted my butt again. 

How does one spend over $300 on groceries?  I just did it and I still don't know how.  I don't even recognize half the stuff that came out of the bags once we got them home.  The kids are upstairs right now fighting over whos is what and vice versa.  I'm not even part of that argument.  None of it is mine, except for maybe that big bag of rice and the hazelnut coffee creamer.  There's a doggie chew toy... we don't have a dog.... do we?  Who knows, there might be one in one of the bags that haven't been unpacked yet.  Nothing would surprise me.  I just listen to the kids fussing and carrying on and think... Yeah, I gave up my job to stay home with THIS!

So, looking around at the house I wonder.... where do I start?  You know what... I think I'll start.... on Monday! 

"THE LIFE AND TIMES OF DORN", rated PG-13

If someone were to make a movie of my life, I think Lucille Ball would be my choice as the actress to play yours truely.  She has always been one of my favorites, a sort of role model if you will.  I think that if anyone could pull off some of the things that I do with credibility it would be her.  The movie's theme song would be performed by the Trans Siberian Orchestra, which has the same blend of rock and classical, modern yet old fashioned, leather and lace that kind of describes me.  This link is for a Christmas song, but it exemplifies perfectly the blend of two extreme opposites which is how I see myself.

Weekend Assignment #52:  Going Hollywood

BREAKFAST HOT-WINGS, Miss Michelin and Daddy killed the Easter Bunny!

Have you ever eaten something and then immediately after, while the taste is still in your mouth... wondered 'what was I thinking!?' I just ate a bunch of breakfast hot-wings.... What are breakfast hot-wings? Well, they're leftovers from last night's supper, and they look so good but you know if you wait til later someone else will scarf them up before you do... so you eat them for breakfast!  I scarfed up a few of those hot-wings, and then I sat here (yes, I ate them at the computer!) and wondered... 'what was I thinking?'  Oh well, the damage is already done, I may as well finish them off!

Today is my last day at work.  I think they hate me there at the store... they originally scheduled me to work until 11pm.  Come on people, this is my last day!  I convinced them to start me earlier, so now I get off at 7... but I'm about 1/2 hour over my scheduled hours so I might be able to sneak out at around 6:30.  That would be nice.  Of course them giving me my regular day shift would have been even nicer... but I'll take what I get I suppose.  After all, this is the last time!  (man, I'm going to miss that paycheck!)  6 years I've been there, 2 years as a supervisor.  My husband asked if they were throwing a party for me... Hah!  They probably are... TOMORROW!  I'll be honest... I have NO IDEA what my management team thinks of me, and my store manager hasn't said a word to me about my leaving... so I'm thinking they might be thinking its a good move!  Well, yes, in my eyes it is.  Still, it would have been nice to be missed... to be missed so bad that the store just falls apart without me!  Hahahaha!  Okay, I wasn't THAT good of an employee, but I pulled my weight.

Ugh... and that brings me to my new mission... my weight.  No, I'm not going to go on a diet... I enjoy my breakfast hot-wings too much.  I am going to start exercising more.... I'll start out slow, maybe 5 minutes a week... and work up to a full on routine, but baby steps in the beginning.  I just want to get rid of my Miss Michelin physique, you know, take off a couple of those spare tires around my waist... heck, I would just like to be able to identify my waist!  I have a couple there, I just don't know which one is myTRUE waist!  I also want to get rid of those flaccid bi-ceps of mine that have slipped done and under my arms, time to tone those things up.  And finally, as nice as 'excess' can be in some instances, excess chins chins are not on my list of favorite physical traits, so I'd like to trade in 2 of my chins for the one I had when I was a teenager.  I'm sure its under there.... somewhere.  Boy, have I got my work cut out for me!

Easter is this Sunday, I'm not ready.  My kids are older... my baby is 10, so why am I still stuffing Easter baskets?  Oh yeah... because its fun!  I can't believe the some of things I see people buying at the store to stuff in their kids Easter baskets ... DVD's, cd's, video games... oh my gosh, this is Easter, not Christmas!  What ever happened to colored eggs, jellybeans, a coloring book, and a little something to represent the real meaning behind Easter?  I still do the kids Easter baskets like that... plus a stuffed critter... but thats about it.  The kids don't mind and they don't fuss when their friends come out to play on their brand new Easter scooters, showing off their Easter video games.  And later, when those kids go inside to eat their Easter pizza, my kids gather around our table to eat their Easter bunny!  (hehehehe!  read 'Daddy killed the Easter Bunny' here).

OLD LADY GLASSES, and why we shouldn't sit down.

Well, I picked up my new glasses today, my bifocals... my 'old lady' glasses.  I'm wearing them right now.  My first thought was 'Holy Mackerel, I can SEE!', but then my poor old eyes freaked out with the dual-vision.  I can see its going to take some practice to get used to these things... look straight ahead to see far, look down to see close.  I can't just turn my head, I actually have to move my eyes up or down, depending upon where I need to see... near or far.  I keep forgetting.  I look like a bobblehead doll with big blinkie eyes.

Today, on the way home from work, I made a discovery.  I discovered that humans were not meant to sit down on our bottoms the way we do.  For example... sitting upright in a vehicle is not natural.  I discovered this when my Chalupa from yesterday decided to exit my body in vapor form... and instead of exiting from my hind side and floating up on the far side of my nose, the fumes rose straight up between my legs and into my unprotected nostrils.  We are not meant to smell our farts, thats why they come out of our body on the opposite side from our olfactory center.  I cannot believe that our maker would intend for us to sit as we do, thus subjecting our noses to such an unpleasant odor.  I drove home with my head hanging out of the window, gasping for air.  I paused at one point to look up to the Heavens and say 'Hahaha Lord, very funny!'  Nope, humans definitely not meant to sit as we do.  We should stand or lay down, but never sit upright... or at least never sit after eatting a Chalupa!

THE ANSWERS TO MY 5 QUESTIONS

      

Okay, here are the 5 questions posed to me by PLittle (thanks for not including any tree questions).

1) You seem to be able to find the humour in any situation. Tells us about one situation, incident, or issue you find no humour in. 

There is nothing funny about war, no matter how you look at it. I will not waste time trying to determine whether or not we belong in a war, whether it is just or not.  I just wish it wasn't.

2) Your son Gabe has recently joined the military, a family tradition as his father also serves, or has served. How does the proud military tradition of the family conflict with a mother's concern for her child?

When my boys were little they used to talk about growing up and joining the Army.  It sounded like a great plan to me, until they actually became of age.  Now, if you ask me, the plan sucks!  I'm so proud of Gabe, but the recent news that he may deploy by early fall terrifies me.  I am very proud of ALL of our service men and women, I just wish my son wasn't one of them.  I'll never tell him that though.  He is doing what he has always wanted to do, he is serving his country just like his father and both grandfathers did.  Who am I to rain on such an honorable achievement?

3) You often make light of our basic, day to day human functions. (OK, so I'll come right out and say it: you make fart and poop jokes a lot). Do you make those jokes in public too, or is there something about the internet that is different?

Oh gracious, I'm WORSE in public!  I can edit here... and there is always the fear of the dreaded TOS so I'm kind of on my best behavior believe it or not.  In person I am not as censored.

4) Tell us a little bit about your Native American heritage. Were you brought up close to it, or is it something you have gone back and explored in your adulthood?

My dad has only a couple cells of Mesquakie blood in him (but he's very proud of those couple of cells!), so I'm mostly Indian by injection.  I went to my first Pow Wow when I was a year old, and the Chief of the host tribe kind of adopted me for the day, but I didn't start dancing at Pow Wows until I was a teenager.  I met my husband, a former dancer for Monty Montana's Wild West Show, at a Pow Wow in Hawaii.  It is a very active part of my childrens lives though and I hope that they will pass this heritage on to their own children.

5) You are cruising down the road one fine spring day in Big Red. The windows are open and the stereo is blasting. What music is playing, and why?

The cd in the player right now is a compilation of Pachelbel's Canon in D.  I love that piece of music, no matter how its played... it soothes me and protects the other drivers from my road rage. People look at me strangely when I drive by because elevator music just doesn't fit the image of what one would expect to hear coming from such a big, cool pickup... but thats okay because so long as I'm listening to it I am happy and not likely to flip them off or holler at their stupidity for cutting me off!  Aghhhhhh!  Stupid drivers!

And now that I've answered my 5 questions, its my turn to invite anyone to request 5 questions from me.  Let me know and I'll see what I can come up with... all in fun of course!

DENVER MARCH POW WOW

We got a late start to Denver because I had to pick up Big Red, who had a relapse and had to see the surgeon again.  By the way, she's fully recouperated now and back on the road, better than ever.  Anyhow... at the Denver Collosium we were greeted by a sea of feathers and fringe.  The air was ringing with the sound of bells and the pounding of drums.  But it wasn't just in the sight and sounds, it was something about the air, the atmosphere.... something you could FEEL more than anything else, a feeling that gets your heart beating in time with the drums, the feeling that you know the songs being chanted even though you don't know the words... the feeling of pride... when everyone wants to be a Native American just to be able to say 'Yes, I am a part of THIS'. 

I miss dancing.  Once upon a time I used to tear up the dance arena every weekend up and down the east coast.  I have a certificate that I hang proudly on my wall... 1st Place Womens Senior Fancy Shawl Dancer,  Native American Festival, Charlotte, North Carolina  July 1993.  That was my first and last competition.  I competed that day just to prove I could, and I walked away with $450, but it wasn't about the money which I proved by not competing again.  It was all about the feeling I get when I dance, or sometimes when I watch others dance, and listen to the drummers as they beat out a heart beat and sing a chant that I don't know the words to but know it by heart.

The above picture is of some fancy feather dancers.  Can you figure out how many dancers there are in that picture?  This is not a contest.  I honestly don't know.

SLEEPING IN... (or not!)

Yesterday my husband announced that we could sleep in this morning since we didn't have to be in Denver until lunch time.  Thats always good news to me because I'm up at 6am every school morning, and 5:30 every Sunday... that only leaves Saturday to langour in bed.  So imagine my surprise when Dickidoo starts tugging at my shirt at 6:55 am!  Excuse me... but 55 minutes later than the usual wake-up call is NOT SLEEPING IN!  I stalled as long as my conscience would allow, then flopped out of bed and drag my butt straight to the coffee pot.  I think its time to clean the waterlines in the Bunn-Omatic... usually I pour a pot full of water into the reservoir and WHOOSH!  In less than a minute I'd have a full pot of perfectly brewed coffee.  Today I had to wait for what felt like an hour.  Okay, it was probably more like 5 minutes.... but I'm not a good waiter.  So anyhow, I'm up, I have my coffee and I go down stairs to join my husband ... watching TV?  For this I got up early?  Come on dude!  I could be sleeping!  Oh well, I guess I could get stuff packed.  We're going to Denver for the Denver March Pow Wow.  I'm so excited because... well, anyone who's ever been to a Pow Wow knows the feeling... even when I'm not dancing (once upon a time I was a very good shawl dancer), even when I'm not watching my children dancing (they too used to be awesome dancers)... when I hear the pounding of the drums, the jingling of the bells, see the flashing of the feathers... I am transported to a magical place where culture and tradition runs deeper than the Grand Canyon.  I can't wait to get that feeling again!  I'm off to Denver!

SPRING HAIKU, Weekend Assignment #51

As spring befalls us
The hearty leaves of winter
Wear a heavy coat.

(okay, originally I composed a sunny, warm haiku, but when I attempted to capture a photograph that would portray the arrival of spring I was greeted by a flurry of snowflakes.  I do believe Punxsutawney Phil is still hibernating in Mexico.... Springtime?  I think NOT!  Add 6 more weeks to winter.)

Weekend Assignment #51: Spring Haiku!

FIRST ANNIVERSAY

DUST BUNNY CLUB OF NORTH AMERICA

Goodness, has it already been 1 year since I first began writing here?  Well, only 365 more days until my next anniversary so I better get busy writing...

MY DESK, revisited. (photo assignment)

MONDAY PHOTO SHOOT

This is my computer desk.  This picture was actually taken late last year.  I am currently in the process of being evicted (this has been a 4 month process... its been messy to say the least).  First and foremost let me just point out that Dude, I've got a Dell!

Scattered around my desk are various Coca Cola collectablies, which have been presented to me over the years by family and friends.  Please note the mini Pepsi bottle... don't know how that got there.  It has since been replaced by a mini 6-pack of Coronas.  I have a family tree picture hanger which still has the display pictures that were in it when I bought it.  They are nice pictures so I've left them in until I have time to insert pictures of my own family.  There are my two Kitchen Fairies... I befriended them so I wouldn't have to work in the kitchen any more.  Unfortunately, like me, they tend to spend most of their time around the computer.

I have 2 Christmas ornaments hanging off my shelves, one is of Santa with a shotgun, with a duck flying above his head, and the other is a golden cutout of the Pikes Peak region, with an elk, snowflake, hummingbird and mountain scenery.  There are my two bobbleheads... a Hawaiian sea turtle to remind me of home, and a Smiley face to remind me of work (Wally World).  There are a couple pieces from my small bear collection... my favorite being E-bear, who sits at his own little computer.

There's my Tigger coffee mug, which is almost big enough to hold an entire pot of coffee... I drink 2 of those before work.  There's a picture of Baby Dickidoo (aka the ugliest baby in the world), my hour glass which like all of the other time pieces in this house doesn't tell accurate time, and my beloved music box... my favorite piece on it is Music of the Night (Arthur Lloyd Webber, Phantom of the Opera).  I have some mail there, an old stock statement (sold for Xmas $), a notice for a past-due cellphone bill and a couple of love letters from my youngest daughter.  And finally... dust bunnies... millions of them... all over!  If youlook to the right of the coffee mug... just to the rear, you'll see tracks left in the dust.  Those tracks are still there on my desk, I figure in a few more months they'll be fossilized and I can sell them on eBay as prehistoric dustbunny prints.  And then I can buy a bigger house so I can buy a bigger computer and put more stuff on a bigger desk!

Note:  Yes, I cheated... I cleared my desk before this picture was taken... unfortunately I forgot to dust.  What you don't see is the clutter beneath the desk, or the Coca Cola table that is to the left of my desk... somewhere under the pile of books, papers and other junk.

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

                            

I'm not Irish, although I have been called an 'evil little leprechaun' before... a dig, no doubt, about my slight height imparity.  My dad says we have Irish blood in us... somewhere along the line.  It probably bled out the last time I nicked myself in the shower shaving... who knows.  I don't really feel Irish although I have a passion for corned beef and cabbage... and eat them more than just once a year.  However... every year, on the 17th of March, I deck myself up in green to commemorate Saint Patrick... mostly to avoid getting pinched of course, but still within the spirit of the occasion.  So, assuming that the Irish really are lucky... may the luck of the Irish be with you on this day... and may you avoid any evil little leprechauns!

MAMA ALWAYS SAID...

'BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR...', one of my mother's favorite saying.  I used to wish for bigger boobs.  The teenaged me would stand infront of my bedroom mirror, doing my breast enlargement exercises while chanting "I must, I must, I must increase my bust!" It didn't work at the time and I graduated from high school with a reversed posture as I tried to accentuate that which was not there.  Who knew the exercises were time-delayed and would later sprout in the autumn of my life?  So now, as I curse and squeeze, holding my breath to relieve some of the pressure on the over stressed buttons of a poorly manufatured blouse, I acknowledge and accept the irony. 

I am, however, hopeful for right about the same time as my wishes for a bountiful bosom I was also wishing for a bountiful bank account!

DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE!

AOL has a little piece on bedbugs and mites on the welcome screen, which got me to thinking about my own personal encounter with bedbugs. 

As a child I always used to sing 'Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite', but it never made any sence to me.  In fact I've sung it to every one of my children just before they went to bed.  My youngest daughter still insists that I sing it with her even now... but now... it has a different meaning to me.  Now I know what it feels like when the bedbugs bite!

It was about 4 years ago.  One of my husband's friends had just separated from his wife and was living in a camper on the side of our house.  When our anniversary came along this friend, who had bonded immediately with the children, volunteered to watch the kids over the weekend so my husband and I could spend the weekend out of town.  We had never had such an opportunity and jumped at the chance.  Dickidoo immediately made reservations for 2 at the hot springs. 

The hotel was far from being a 5 star... in fact it was far from being a 2 star hotel, but it had a hot spring and that was what we were there for.  It was fabulous to soak in the natural steaming water (in a somewhat un-natural pool constructed of concrete and imported rocks), while the ground around us was covered in snow.  And our wet hair would freeze in the cold air.  It was magical, and so relaxing.  We spent every chance we had in the soothing waters.

But at night.. and we spent 2 nights there... we would cuddle in the queen sized bed and talk about our lives together.  Little did we know that we were not alone.  I didn't think too much of the bites on my arms the first morning.  By the morning of our departure my arms, legs and torso were covered with bites... itch bites.  The bites were small, they never really swelled up like mosquito or flea bites, but they itched incessantly and would continue to do so for weeks.  Curious about the cause of the bites, I did a quick search and discovered that I probably should have performed the 3 minute search BEFORE booking the room for our anniversary get-away... the hotel had been reported several times for problems with bedbugs!

So anyhow... now, when I say 'don't let the bedbugs bite...', I mean it!  Because I know what it feels like and its no fun!  Plus, seeing what they look like and knowing that they had been crawling all over me, feasting on me like ticks while I was... uh... sleeping... yeah... while I was sleeping... ewwwww!  Thats the stuff nightmares are made of!
Bed bug [Picture] - World Book Online Reference Center (American English)

FOOTPRINTS IN THE SNOW

How do you find my house in the wintertime?  Just follow the footprints in the snow!

ITS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS...

I jumped into the shower this morning and wet down my hair, but when I reached for the shampoo it was gone.  We have 3 bathrooms in this house, with a million bottles of shampoo, half empty, half full, complimentary hotel samples, millions of them, but when anyone needs to wash their hair, they have to take MY shampoo.  All that was left in my shower was the hunting shampoo, so once again I must go to work with squeaky clean hair that smells like DIRT.  Thanks kids... remind me to have a dozen more children so the fun never runs out!

I bought a new shirt last week.  Its a pale turquoise.  I love turquoise, I love this shirt.  My boobs are too big for this shirt.  But I must wear it today, so I found my full girdle, you know, those old lady one-piece bra and panty things that suck you in, push you up and squeeze you just on the edge of suffocation so you can fit into something that is probably 2 sizes too small if you were really honest with yourself?  Yeah, that thing!  Well, I don't know what happened but I think I need a girdle to fit into this girdle!  I don't remember it being this hard to get into, and Lord help me when I need to go to the bathroom!  I have all day to figure out how I'm going to get it off.

Speaking of 'old lady' things, I just got my eyes checked and was given the wonderful news that I need bifocals!  I was also given a prescription for contact lenses, but if I wear the contacts, which correct my seriously bad distance vision, I won't be able to read up close and will have to wear reading glasses.  Well, that didn't seem to bad of a deal... until I put on a pair of reading glasses of the strength the Dr. recommended... and they magnified my eyes... I looked like ET.  I think I've finally distinguished the difference between growing up and growing old.

It snowed yesterday, and last night.  Its still snowing now, big soft white flakes.  The neighborhood is covered with a blanket of white.  Except for my yard.  Did you know that snow doesn't stick to dirt?  Well, now you do.  While all the yards in the cul de sac are pure white, my yard sticks out like a sore thumb, brown and dusty, a pile of barren , used dirt surrounded by a virgin snowfall.  I'm almost wishing for a blizzard just so my yard can look as beautiful and tranquil... but with my luck the snow on my yard would melt and I'd have a mud pit.  Well, at least the snow is sticking to Big Red, and she looks beautiful!

PMS & POVERTY

I took Rocky and Art with me in my attempt to catch the elusive kingfisher at the Pelican Pond.  As expected he was a no-show and after listening to Rocky's painful rendition of a dying duck using one of her duck calls, we decided to go in search of another photo opportunity.  One the drive out to the base where I knew a wonderful sunset shot awaited us, Rocky decided to share what she had learned during her recent sex education class.

Rocky:  My teacher says girls get PMS and boys get Poverty.

Me (trying not to laugh):  I think you mean Puberty.  Boys usually don't get poverty until they grow up and get married.

Rocky:  Whats Poverty?

Me:  Thats poorness.

Art:  Girls go through puberty too.

Rocky:  Huh uh!  Girls have PMS.

Art:  Yes they do.  Puberty is when your hormones change, your body changes and you start growing hair all over your body.  Hair on your chest, hair on your armpits.  I even have hair on my butt!  But I don't have hair where I want it... on my lips.  I think I will transplant the hair from my butt to my lip because I don't need hair on my butt.

I'm sure he meant facial hair, like his older brothers have... but I left that one alone!  Ewwww!

Kit Carson Statue, Fort Carson, Colorado

10 THINGS I HAVE DONE .... that you may not have.

1.  I held a VW bug up all by myself.  Actually I was lifting it with my brother and his friend and they let go... the bumper landed across my thighs but I held it up so the guys could grab some toads that had been hiding underneath.  I wore the bruises like medals of honor until they faded.

2.  I infiltrated a high security government installation to investigate reports of paranormal sightings.  Okay, not really, I sneaked in the back gate of a military installation and drove to some old bunkers that were rumored to be haunted.  My first visit was after midnight with no ghostly sightings, however blood stains were seen on the ceiling of the bunker.  A later visit in the daylight proved that the blood was merely catsup splatters.

3.  I came face to face with a black bear in the woods.  And I was terrified even though I had a gun!  No, I didn't shoot it.  I tried to hand my husband the gun but he wouldn't take it, he just kept singing 'I'm not scared of a big ole bear, my woman has a 30.06!'  Obviously the bear wasn't scared of us either cos he just kept munching away at something in the bushes and we were able to put a safe distance between us. 

4.  I touch about $100,000 a day.  Unfortunately its not mine.

5.  I almost fell off of a submarine.  It was Family Day at my father's base and we got to visit the submarine that he was stationed on.  I stepped on to it, walked where I shouldn't have and slipped.  I don't know if I was really close enough to go over the side, but to this day I swear that sailor who grabbed my arm  saved my life.

6.  I almost drove a car off a cliff.  Seriously!  I took a hairpin curve too sharp and had I been going a little faster, or braked a little slower I would have gone over the edge of a 50 cliff.  The tire stopped right at the edge.  I believe a railing is now up on that portion of the road, but I've not driven there since.

7.  I've been in the Girl Scouts AND the Boy Scouts.  I was a cadet and then a leader in the Girl Scouts.  I was in the Explorer Scouts, which is a co-ed division of the Boy Scouts and later became a leader, I volunteered as a cook at many of the Boy Scout campouts and would fill in as a drummer for the Order of the Arrow dance team.

8.  I was a human pincushion.  I fell into a hidden crack in the ground and was wedged upside down in the crevice that was laced with cactus roots... I managed to turn upright but I was in way over my head and the earth was too soft to climb out of.  My friends found me when they spotted my florenent orange hat poking up out of the grass... I had thrown it up as a marker to catch their attention.  My body was covered with cactus spines, mostly on my arms and face.  My son pulled about 72 spines out of one of my arms before he lost count.  I had to use duct tape to get the fine spines from the roots out.  I was still pulling cactus out 4 months later.

9.  I have been admitted to the hospital 9 times in my life.  The first time was after my birth, and 5 other were for the birth of my children. 

10.  I have never been treated for a broken bone.  I think I broke my tail bone while roller skating, but I was too embarrassed to go to the doctor so that one doesn't count.  I might also have broken my nose, but then I might have broken it a year later and it straightened out.

GUESS WHO'S HOME!

Well, that was her before she went into surgery, but she's okay now.  I got to drive her home from the shop tonight and it felt so good to be back behind her wheel... she just purred!  For that matter so did I!  When I parked her in front of the house I gave her a big hug and a kiss.  Really... there are lip prints on the hood!  Ah yes, life is good!  I love my Big Red.

JUROR #0

Two weeks ago I received a jury summons.  Most people would freak out and frantically look for reasons to get out of pulling jury duty, but I WANTED to go!  The instructions said to call the night before to find out if I was needed to appear.  I called last night and held my breath in anticipation as the recording blurted out the pre-recorded message.  And then it said it... the numbers of the jurors who must report... and my number fell within the group that had to report!  I was ecstatic!

I was also sick!  However, being the loyal citizen that I am and eager to do my civic duty, I was up bright and early this morning, even though I felt like something the road crew scraped off the asphalt the night before... I had jury duty!  Visions of Judge Judy danced through my head and I just flew right on past the court house!  Dang, I looked for a place to turn around at and was just about to do a perfectly executed U-turn when I saw the No U Turn sign!  Its a good thing I saw that when I did cos you can bet there were a dozen uniformed officers licking the Krispy Kreme off of their fingers as they watched from their parked squad cars all along the road.  Not today buddies!  I could just see it now... me showing up late for my summons because I got pulled over for making an illegal turn right infront of the courthouse.  Yeah, they'd book me right there and assign all the other jurors to MY case!

Well, I turned into a parking garage just as if I had intended to go there all along and started walking back to the courthouse.  Unfortunately I had driven in one side and walked out the other side so I was completely turned around!  I walked almost 4 blocks to get to the building right across the street!  And then, once in the building I had no clue where to go!  How can you get lost in a 4 story building?  I don't know, but I did it!  Finally I found the room I was supposed to be in, filled out the paper work and waited... 2 hours later they released all but 20 of us.  I was not one of the 20.  I suspect the judge had seen me walking in circles outside the courthouse, and then going up and down the hallwayinside and made a point to find out who I was because anyone who was too stupid to find their way from the parking lot to the building and then to a clearly marked room on the 4th floor wasn't going to serve on HIS jury!  Boy, I hope he wasn't watching when I left... because I just backtracked and retraced my original route.  Well, at least I know where to go if I get summoned again next year! 

HEY WAIT A MINUTE.....!

I just did a Technorati search on my Dust Bunny journal just to see how many other journals might be linked to mine, and on the right hand side of the screen was a list of sponsored links.  The theme was toilets.  I thought.... how odd that they would choose toilets as a featured sponsor.  I then pulled up a search for my other journal, Bloggers Anonymous... and by that time the sponsored link had changed to computers and laptops.  Ah, thats more like it, and it went well with the theme of the journal.  Hmmmmm, coincidence?  I quickly switched back to the results of my Dustbunny journal and sure enough... the toilet sponsors!  I waited for the links to change to the computer list but it didn't.  It stayed on the toilet links, like it was permanent.  Hey hey hey!  Thats not funny guys!

And speaking of toilets, I still feel like kaa-kaa.  Thanks for the get-well wishes.  I am actually feeling a little bit better after a good night's rest.  I didn't have any lemon to make hot lemonade, but I did have some ruby red grapefruit juice, so I added a shot of vodka and followed it up with a Niquil chaser and slept like a baby!  I'll be going in to work this morning because we're so short staffed but if I don't start feeling better its going to be a short day for me.

OH NO, NOT AGAIN!

I don't believe it... I'm sick again!  I think that bug that went up my nose yesterday was the flu bug because I feel like kaa-kaa!  Dickidoo is feeling pretty lousy, and so is little Rocky.  The flu has hit this town like a ton of bricks.  Well, at least I'm getting sick while I still have sick leave to pay for it.

Still no word on Big Red.  Dickidoo went down to check on it on Friday and it was still in pieces... so much for 'just a couple of days'.  Thats okay, I'm in no mood to go joy riding right now.  I've already got folks at work asking to take the truck out for a spin ... why?  I mean, I love Big Red cos its my truck... but why are they getting so excited about my pickup... she's not even a new truck... she's a '92... but she's classy, I have to admit that!  The Bonneville has been good to me, but its time to get the F150 back under my butt!  Well... maybe next week... when I'm feeling better. 

My mom used to give me hot lemonade sweetened with honey when ever I got sick as a child.  I used to marvel at how it could always make me feel better.  I later learned that it was only partly due to the soothing effects of the honey and lemon... The real magical cure was in my mom's TLC.  I sure could use some right about now, but there's no time to be sick when you're a mother and a wife.  I'm off to tend to my other patients.

TIRAMISU and the snot-rocket

Question:  What is 'tiramisu'?

Answer:  Its delicious!  Actually, more specifically... its an Italian dessert made from ladyfingers soaked in expresso and/or one of many liqueurs (I like armaretto), and layered with a very light but very rich mocha flavored cream custard and dusted with cocoa or shaved chocolate.  It is my biggest, most sinful weakness. 

Today was my early day, which meant that I went in before 7am, but got off before 4pm.  It was absolutely beautiful outside and I drove home with the car windows wide open.  While I was at the intersection waiting for the train to pass... a bug flew up my nose!  It probably didn't intentionally fly up my nostril... no bug, no matter how tiny its brain, would be THAT stupid... but apparently it flew a little too close and got sucked up when I inhaled.  I freaked out and started snorting and picking at my nose, trying to either blow or dig it out.  And wouldn't you know, with all the trash in my car there was not one single napkin!  I could feel the bug's frantic fluttering as it also tried to escape.  I held my breath because the one thing I didn't want was to suck the bug into my lungs any more than the bug did!  As a kid I used to have nightmares about flies going into my lungs and breeding and its still a phobia of mine.  I tried to launch a snot-rocket like I'd seen Dickidoo do so many times, but I blew a dud.  I blew again, this time against my fingers.  Something landed and I wadded it up and flicked it out the window without waiting to inspect the contents.  I performed a couple experimental sniffs, and satisfied that my nasal passage was free of any winged invaders I settled back into my seat to wait for the railway crossing barriers to be lifted.  Ah, what a beautiful day!  Suddenly feeling like I was being watched, I looked across the car and out the passenger window.  The driver in the car next to me was staring right at me... LAUGHING!  The light changed right at that time and I zoomed into the intersection, putting as much distance as I could between me and the hysterical driver.  I don't even want to know what he thought I was doing.  I hate bugs!

YET ANOTHER SURVEY (I love these things)

1. First name: Jody

2. Were you named after anyone:  I was named after my sister's friend, who just so happened to get hit by a truck.  He didn't die or anything like that... but as a child I really resented that I was named after a boy.  Actually after 3 girls my mom was really hoping that I would be a boy.

3. Do you wish on stars: Yes, but just for fun.  I've learned that if I want anything I have to go out and get it myself... or at least hint really hard infront of Dickidoo.

4. When did you last cry: I'm a cry baby... I cry at movies, I cry during the news... I cry at good-byes.  I cried last night when I read a newspaper article about my oldest sister and her first meeting with her biological father.

5. Do you like your handwriting: I do not have a consistent style of writing, it kind of changes with my mood, but yeah, I love my handwriting, its one of the few things I've retained from all my years of schooling.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat: Deli sliced pepperoni!  When I was a kid I loved balogne with mustard and pickles.

7. What is your birth date:  September 13

8. What is your most embarrassing CD: No such thing!  I still enjoy all of my old favorites.

9. What nationality are you? Okinawan on my mother's side, Irish, Pennsyvania Dutch and a bunch of other stuff on my dad's side.

10. Are you a daredevil:  Yes, some what.  My kids tend to challenge me into doing things that I never would have when I was younger.

11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell: Maybe as a child... but I can't remember.  As an adult... never.

12. Do looks matter?  Nope, but it doesn't hurt!

13. How do you release anger: I have to make a lot of noise when I'm angry.  Once I've vented I'm fine.  I'm very forgiving.

14. Where is your second home: My work place!

15. Do you trust others too easily: Yes, my husband says I'm a terrible judge of character, but I trust everyone until they give me a reason to distrust them.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child:  My toys never lasted a week past Christmas.  My favorite things to play with was probably cardboard boxes, toilet paper rolls and empty spools.  I'd play for hours with them.  My favorite doll was a GI Joe doll that I kidnapped from my brother.

17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless: Algebra!  I couldn't understand what 'abc' and 'xyz' had to do with math.

18. Do you have a journal: No, I don't have 'a' journal, I have 'many' journals.

19. Do you use sarcasm a lot:  I have a very sarcastic personality.  It wasn't appreciated when I was a teenager, but most people who pick up onit think I'm funny... so long as the sarcasm isn't directed at them.

20. Favorite movie(s):  Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

21. Would you bungee jump: NEVER!

22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off:  Yes, my mom was real strict about that.  I make my kids untie their shoes too.

23. Do you think that you are strong: I am physically strong although my wrists are weakening from arthritis.  Mentally I have learned strength from my mother and then from my own experiences as a career military wife.

24. What is your favorite ice cream flavor:  Vanilla

25. Shoe size:  7 1/2 - 8 (depending on the shoe)

26. What are you favorite colors: White, black and turquoise.

27. Whatis your least favorite thing about yourself:   I hate that I procrastinate so much.  I have no will power.

28. Who do you miss most: I try not to waste time missing people.  I miss my son but I'm glad he is making his own life happen.

29. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back: N/A

30. What color pants are you wearing: Olive green (I can't wear my favorite blue jeans to work)

31. What are you listening to right now:  I'm listening to my sons' talking.  Its nice because when they were younger all they did was fight.  Now they are good friends.

32. Last thing you ate: I just had a cookies and cream ice cream sandwich, a bribe from my daughter who wants to get on the computer.

33. If you were a crayon, what color would you be: I would be a white crayon because it can high-light shadows and soften harsh dark colors.

34. What is the weather like right now: Its almost a crime to be indoors right now, its hard to believe it snowed last week.

35. Last person you talked to on the phone: I spoke to my oldest son in Kentucky.  We let him take a cell phone with him so he could keep in touch.

36. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex: I notice the eyes first.  You can tell a lot about a person just by their eyes, are there laugh lines or frown lines?  Do they look you in the eye or kind of wander?  Do they look preoccupied, angry, spaced out, relaxed, suspicious... etc.

37. Do you like the person who sent this to you:  N/A

38. How are you today: I'm fantabulous!  3 more weeks of work and then... Take this job and shove it!

39. Favorite Drink:  Non-alcoholic: Water (seriously!)

Alcoholic: Bacardi Dark and coke

40. Favorite sport: Hmmm, I'm more of a sports fan than a sports participant, I love to watch football most of all.

41. Hair Color: Dark brown with white highlights (natural, of course!)

42. Eye Color: Dark brown

43: Do you wear contacts:  Yes, when I can remember to renew my prescription.

44. Favorite Foods: Steak and potatoes!  And Sushi!

45. Last Movie You Watched: DVD:  Walking Tall  Theater:  A Series of Unfortunate Events (hey, it was a Kids Day Out)

46. Favorite Day of the Year:  Christmas!  I especially love it now that I can celebrate with my children.  I love traditions.

47. Scary Movies or Happy Endings: I love scary movies, but there haven't been any good ones lately. 

48. Summer or winter:  Winter is my favorite, but I love all of the seasons!

49. Hugs or kisses:  Hugs from friends, kisses from loved ones.

50. What is Your Favorite Dessert: Tirimisu

51. Who is Most Likely to Respond:  N/A

52. Who is Least Likely to Respond: N/A

53. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation:  Alaska! 

54. What Books are you Reading: No time for reading yet.

55. What's on your mouse pad: 'Dell'

56. What did you Watch Last Night: I didn't watch TV last night, but if I did it would have been Fox News, The O'Reilly Factor and Hannity and Combs.

Edited 3/09:  thanks Glopsy, I hadn't noticed that I had deleted #9

(I snagged this survey from Sugar, Spice, and Everything )Nice 

NOW I REMEMBER WHY I CALL HIM 'DICKIDOO'

Once a month it sucks to be a woman.  This is my 'once'.  My whole body aches right now and Dickidoo has been teasing me because he can go into the hot tub but I can't.  When I started whining about it, he just grinned and held up a wine cork.  Thats just wrong!  But revenge will be mine... soon I will have all kinds of time to scheme.  I'll show him where he can stick that cork!  And if he thinks I'm bad on PMS, wait till he has to deal with me with menopaus!  Hahahaha!

GOODBYE GABE... AGAIN! and SAHM?

I said goodbye to Gabe yet again and this time I didn't even cry.  He's passed the big test with basic and AIT.  Now he is going to his first unit... the 101st Screaming Eagles, and he's a Cav. Scout (he's so proud of that!)  The sad part is that I don't know when we'll be able to see him again.  He's really left the nest now... there will be no flying home because he's tired of the job, that is not an option.  I told him yesterday... 'Dang, you're all grow'd up now, its like you're a real man, not just my son but a soldier and a MAN!'  And of course he had to throw in 'And not just a soldier but a Cav Scout!'.  He was supposed to leave for the airport this morning at 5:30 am, he wasn't even packed at that time.  Yep, thats my boy!  You can bet his new unit is going to cure him of that REAL quick!

Less than 4 weeks to go before I become a Stay At Home Mom, a SAHM.  Thats a really weird acronym isn't it?  It looks like it could stand for some kind of missle or weapon of mass distruction.  "Look at me, I'm a SAHM, so watch out!'  Actually I hate the term, it sounds so... lazy! What about School And Home Mentor, or maybe Such A Happy Mother... no, thats a little too sappy for me.  They can keep the silly acronyms... I'm just going to be a full time Mom, I don't need a fancy title or initials for that.  What a rare luxury it is now days for a family to be able to afford to have one parent devote their time to caring for the children.  I just hope I don't gain any weight with my new role!  I barely fit in my skin now!

ITS ALL ABOUT "I", "ME", "MY"

SPOILED ROTTEN!

I was just thinking...  I'm spoiled.  My husband just bought Me an awesome camera set-up so I can finally pursue a lifelong dream, My beloved Big Red pick-up truck is undergoing major surgery even as I type to replace her engine, I have a 2 burner 12 cup Bunn-Omatic coffee brewer that gives Me an unlimited supply of coffee any time I want it. Dude... I have a Dell!  And broadband!  And as of the 26th of this month I will no longer have to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 52 weeks a year.  I am married to a man who has learned to admit when he is wrong and yet this man has learned to tolerate Me... just as I am, even when I am wrong.  I have 5 wonderful although at times exasperating children, parents and siblings who still love Me even after knowing Me for 44+ years, and a bunch of friends who are just a whacky as I am.  Yes, I must say, its good to be Me right now.  Thanks everyone for making My life so wonderful and special.  And thank You... Dickidoo... I love You!