Sunday, July 17, 2005

THE FARTRILIQUIST, and fart etiquette

One of my children possesses a wonderful talent but is too bashful, or smart, to own up to it.  That talented child is a 'fartriliquist', one who can throw the sound and/or smell of a fart in another direction so as to avoid detection and responsibility for said stench.  Oh, the fun I could have with a talent such as that!

Today, as I sat at my computer, I couldn't help but admire the skill involved in fartriliquism even as I sat gasping for air and blinking back the tears from my eyes as the putrid gas filled the air.  The three spawn in the room with me vehemently denied the infraction and I immediately discounted my oldest daughter's confession for although she was gladly laying claim to the talent, she had been down the hall in the bathroom at the time.  Even the greatest fartriliquist of all time, my brother, could not have thrown a fart that far, so who was it?

For now the culprit remains a mystery.  But I shall eventually discover who the silent gasser is and then I shall learn the art of fartriliquism.  Never again will I have to excuse myself from a crowd to relieve the pressure.  No more will I have to fake a cough or force a laugh to hid the sound of a butt burp.  And never again will I endure the embarrassing and accusing glares from others who know darn well where the smell came from.  I will learn to throw my farts, and let someone else take the blame for it!

For those who have not aquired the talent, allow me to share an emergency response trick of mine.  When you are in a crowd and find yourself in an embarrassing situation, quickly turn to someone nearby, wrinkle your nose up and say 'Excuse you!'  Even if the person denies the charges, or tries the old 'he who smelt it dealt it' routine, the damage has already been done and the others in the party will believe that the accused is actually the offender.  A word of caution, this does not work if you are with only one other person!  Dogs are always easy scapegoats, and in some circumstances ducks and frogs.  Even cats and babies!  But when you are with just one other person, just smile and accept responsibility.  Besides, no matter what anyone else may have you believe, everyone farts, and most farts stink!


jackiebenice said... dad possesses that talent too.. however, i wish he didnt.

take care!!


artloner said...

I have never farted in my life, thatk you very much!


I don't Sweat either, I Glisten...and I have a galpal who doesn't get DRUNK, she "gets sleepy, or tired, but NEVER drunk."

You cracked me up and I needed it FOR SURE!


mumma4evr said...

I guess every family had a fartriliquist....and iit is not me!

lorid03 said...

How true.  My eldest son is the fart king in our house.  But, he does not leave the room and is quiet pleased with his stink ability.  I am promptly going out while he is gone to camp and purchase gas masks!


swmpgrly said...

I need a lesson in fartriliquism for the gym!
Thx for the

dkb11161970 said...

you said, "butt burp"  snicker, chortle, gasp.....grins, debra of

promiseluv372 said...

LMAO, You make me laugh even when I'm the most sad.  I'm telling you, I don't need therapy I just need to read your journal!
Thanks for making me smile and laugh!
Luv ya,

hestiahomeschool said...


sdoscher458 said...

You can run but you can't hide! It'll get ya....Sandi

nelishianatl said...

My daughters (3) when they were young and all lived at home just let it fly and would crack up.  They called it "butt music".  I don't know where they got the idea they were musically inclined.  SHEW!

piperacharmed1 said... son would love to have this ability! If I fart...I tell the kids it was a duck  : )

cdittric77 said...

I would add the danger of FTM's. Fart trapping materials, such as jeans, can cause a fart to linger in your underdrawers and trail you. Those with keen noses can track the origin of the stench to your grundle! Be careful!
Peace and love,

xxroxymamaxx said...

lol!  That is too funny!  I am definitely putting your journal on alerts!  Don't want to miss a thing!  Plus you won't get all the comment alerts because I've already commented on everything else!  lol  GBU, Shelly

sunnyside46 said...

my husband needs this talent!