Thursday, October 27, 2005



I flipped through a diary I had kept when I was 21 years old and felt like I was reading about a stranger.  This woman-child saw the world through the innocent naivity of youth.  Her goals were simple, her dreams far fetched, her problems shallow.  It was interesting though to note the comparisons... the differences, the obvious growth, similarities, and sometimes even the regression.

At 21 I didn't want to ever get married. Committing myself to someone else for a lifetime seemed scary and totally unnecessary.  Children were out of the question.  IF I were to have children, they would be adopted.  Newborn babies were ugly.

At 45 I have now been married for almost 22 years.  I am the mother of 5 children, all my own.  Just as well because truth be known, I doubt the State would trust me to raise someone else's child.  Newborn babies are still ugly... until they get all that goo wiped off of them.  Then they become the most beautiful and precious things I have ever seen.

When I was 21, I protested against any kind of animal cruelty.  My uncles hunted.  I hated that.  They convinced me to try some deer meat.  I hated it.  That made hunting even more of a crime... to kill for meat that in my opinion wasn't even edible.

At 45 I am an active hunter.  I still hate certain aspects of hunting, like the taking of a life and field dressing (all that icky guts and stuff), but it puts food on the table for my children and that makes it worth it.  I love deer and elk meat.  My uncles would have been proud of me.  I wish I could have cooked up some elk for them, they would have loved it.  (RIP Uncles Take, Hiro, Jun and Kiyo.)

At 21 I considered it embarassing to discharge gas in public.  My mother was very discret, I believe I really thought she couldn't fart.  I myself would run to the bathroom to avoid public humiliation.  Burps were always hidden behind a palm.

At 45 I let them all rip!  My kids blame each other for my indiscressions because everyone knows that Mommies don't fart!  Burps are measured by how far one gets in the alphabet. 'L' is the farthest I've ever gotten.  That won me the high praise of 'Good one Mom!'.

If I could go back in time and speak to the Me of Yesterday, what would I tell her?  Probably nothing.  I would probably just smile and let her be.  The journey to becoming the person I am today has been rich with experiences, good and bad, that have strengthened me and eventually led me to where I am now.  I would not alter one step for fear of changing the course.

And that innocently naive girl I saw in the pages of my old diary?  She's still there within the depths of me.  She peeks out once in a while, like when I held my child for the first time,  when I saw a bald eagle circling above me, when my son called me his best friend, when my husband took a dream of mine and gave it physical form, when I hear the mystical bugle of the elk at twilight.  She watches the shooting stars with me and welcomes the moon each night.  She marvels at the sunrise each morning, even when the 45 year old me is still asleep.  She urges me to drive through puddles,  kick up leaves and to walk barefoot in the snow.  She gives me patience when the 45 year old mother becomes harsh too with the children.  "Remember, you were young once too," she whispers.  The children, obviously, love her, this Me of Yesterday.

So to the one I once was, I thank you for all you were, for helping me to reach where I am now, and for keeping me on the path of discovery.  Its been fun, lets do it again!  But maybe next time... how about eatting a little less because that old saying, 'you are what you eat' holds true and dang girl, what the heck were you thinking!  Cut back on the fried cholesteral sister!  Could you do that for me, huh?  Maybe just a little?  If you don't, I'll warn you right now, you'll be packing 35 more pounds by the time you're my age and believe me, it ain't gonna be pretty!


krazishyone said...

Boy that is we change to reality with age and kids.....LMAO you are to funny!!!!Keep it up!

artloner said...

You haven't changed a bit, Beautiful!!!


deslily said...

Wow woman!  cut your hair into the "old" style and you haven't changed at all!!  Maybe moose meat isnt all that bad for the skin huh??

I'm not a hunter, and most of it I will admit i hate.  But that's because most of it seems to be "for the sport" of shooting or hanging antlers on the wall.  I don't think I could do what you do, but as long as there's more then an abundance of the deer or moose or whatever, and the person hunting uses all of what he kills.. eats the meat, maybe uses the fur.. hey.. it's how americans became "meat eaters".. it sure wasn't from planting tomatoes and lettuce!!

It wouldn't put food on my table but i'd love to hunt with the camera in hand.  You still have to "hunt" and "track" and do everything that goes along with hunting..but then you get a treasure to take home.  ummm, and nope ya can't eat it..sigh.

You are a very pretty lady.. and in your 40's! how lucky can you be?!!  The 40's are the BEST 10 years for woman!!  It seems to be the "healthiest" (you don't get sick often or need surgeries etc) you will ever be... enjoy them!
This was a really nice journal page...i enjoyed it.

thisismis72 said...

this was an AWSOME entry.

redpoppy007 said...

5 kids wow! You are a woman of may talents..
I hope good things come to you.

abell1999 said...

Love the entry, Dorn. It interesting to see how much we change over the years.


heathyrxmarie said...

Dorn, I absolutely loved this entry.  Thank you so much for sharing this side of you :)

princesssaurora said...

I loved your journey back in time... thanks for sharing that with us.  I wish I could warn myself too about the weight.. shoot.

Be well,

fogspinner said...

This made me remember a time when my son burped really loud and I said "What do you say?"

His responce? "THAT.... was a GOOD one!"

allisontannery said...

Do you ever pass a mirror and think you are that younger girl?  Just for a second, even?  That happens to me...and then I'm sort of shocked.  Why do the check out boys call me "m'am"?  Why are these wrinkles on my forehead?  Why does my belly sag so?  Oh yeah, that was 15 years ago, or more, and this is now.  Which although I was tighter, and maybe hipper (is that a word?), I was not happier.  I wouldn't trade for that girl, for the world.

stephaine35 said...

I wish I could say I had a prolific moment of clarity like you did.  But honestly it was watching Back to the Future (not too long ago) that got me to realize that I wouldn't go back and change anything for fear of messing up the here and now.  

Thanks for stopping by.

sdoscher458 said...

I love that haircut that you had back frames your face beautifully...I think we all must fight the battle of the bulge...say I do and you certainly do gain 25 pounds. Sandi

tillysweetchops said...

What a touching entry and how lucky you are to have diaries from your youth to pour over and analyse.

Tilly x

vortexgirl said...

Leave her alone Dorn.  How do you know that those 35 pounds weren't an important part of growing?  Other than that is was a very good read.

cneinhorn said...

you look like a hula girl, not just in the first, but in the second photo too! you are too cute!  I dont know, I still don't like hunting...."bambi" complex or something..LOL

helmswondermom said...

Very nice pic of you at 21!  And you've aged well, too!

rjet33 said...

This is a great entry, Jody.  Very well written.  I enjoyed reading it.