DISPOSABLE RAZORS and sub-standard shampoo.

Dickidoo was venting just the other day.  He wanted to know why there were so many razors in the shower.  I had no idea but I had just bought a pack of 13 for my oldest daughter, perhaps they were from when she uses our shower.

'There are 12 razors in the shower,' he pointed out.  'Go see for yourself.'  I looked, and sure enough there were 12 razors of various shapes, sizes and colors all lined up on the shower stool.  3 were his.  Now we've had this discussion before, I will never use his disposable razors thanks to an emergency substitution several years back that left me bleeding and scarred for life.  He insists that he never shaves in the shower.  That may well be, but just because it wasn't him doesn't automatically mean it was me.  As for the other ones, well, Becca admitted that she just grabs a new one if the old one gets too dull.

'Disposable dear, that means you can throw them away!'  I pointed out.  She nodded with enlightment and promised to start throwing them away. 

Silly man, did he really think it was me?  If he had even bothered to check the evidence ie.: my legs and pits, he would have known it couldn't have possibly been me who was leaving all the razors in the shower.

Actually I did shave today after washing my hair.  While I was waiting for my conditioner to condition I did a little label reading.  Why do shampoo manufacturer's feel its necessary for you to 'lather, rinse, repeat'?  The bathsoap doesn't recommend that you wash twice.  Laundry soap doesn't tell you to 'wash, rinse, repeat' with a load of clothes.  Dishwashers don't recommend it either.  They're obviously confident that their product will clean in one cycle.  So why use a shampoo that the manufacturers recommend using twice to get the desired results.  Sounds like time to get a new shampoo.  I've got better things to do with my time.  Like playing Yahtzee!

ANTICIPATION

My ten year old daughter came to me the other day with her hands behind her back and a serious look on her face.

Rocky:  Mom, we need to talk!

Me:  Okay, what about?

Rocky:  This!

And she thrusts out her hands.  In them she has some color leaflets, a trial size deoderant stick and sampling of different minipads.  Ahhhhh, thats right, I remember signing a form giving my consent for her to attend the 5th grade Sex Education and Developement class.  'Girls have PMS, boys have poverty!'

Rocky:  We need to go to Walgreens and buy some 'supplies'.

She flipped her wrist and a whole strip of coupons unfolded like an accordian.  I was impressed, she must have practiced that move.  There were coupons for pads, tampons, deoderant and painrelievers.

Me:  Well Sweetie, I think we can wait a little before we go and get these.

Rocky:  But mom, I need to be prepared!

Me:  Darling, you're only 10, you still have lots of time.  But don't worry, I'll make sure you're prepared when the time comes.

I do believe she is actually excited to start her cycle!  If only she knew!

TV HABITS, a metamorphisis.

Once upon a time I used to be hip, I used to watch all of the new sit-coms and mini-series on TV.  I was 'in the know' about the night-time dramas, I bonded with the players on RealityTV.  I watched American Idol, and I voted!  I knew all the answers to the puzzles on the Wheel of Fortune before the idiot contestants did.  I needed to know who shot Jr!

Things are different now.  I'm a SAHM (I really hate that acronym!) I can watch all the soap operas I want.  I can watch all the reality shows I want.  I can watch game shows, I can watch mini-series.  I can watch Oprah and Springer!

And what do I watch?  I watch the news.  I watch O'Reilly and Hannity & Combs.  I watch Emeril and Bobby Flay.  I watch... the Iron Chef!  I watch Queer Eye and Pimp My Ride.  But mostly I watch... the Discovery Channel!  Last night I even left my computer (gasp!) to watch 2 back to back episodes of The Deadliest Catch.

I don't know whats happened to me.  Its like letting a kid loose in a candy store but instead of grabbing candy, the kid looks for carrot sticks and granola bars.   Good golly, I know whats happening!  I'm turning into my PARENTS! (gasp heard round the www!)

SPRING FEVER? You betcha! (and it sucks!)

Medication, meditation, herbal tea, tequila and beer, nothing works.  I'm still dying from my allergies.  One good thing, there are no more bags under my eyes... mostly because my eyes are now red and swollen!  And I don't know how I've managed but I still have a runny nose.  I should have run out of mucous days ago, but nope, its still flowing!  Whats the world's record for sneezing?  I think I've surpassed 200x in a single day.  I'm already at 11x today and its not even 8am. 

I'm willing to bet if a test was done on the inside of my nose, it would be discovered that I have little to no membrane lining the nasal passages, having eroded years ago from chronic sneezing and sniffling due to severe allergic reaction to the state of Colorado.  My nose hurts so bad I don't even want to touch it yet it runs like that of a snot-nosed kid.  I don't dare take any more pills, my body is already buzzing so bad that I can feel the hair growing on my arms!  If only there were something to stop the running, the dripping... like tampons for the nose...

All I can say is that having a terminal case of hayfever is one of the worst ways for an other wise healthy adult to die.  Its slow, its agonizing, its itchy and runny, its sneezy and its just down right miserable!  I'd drink myself into a drunken stupor to forget about my pain, but I'm allergic to alcohol as well and would break out with the hives.  (which might be the lessor of two evils and definitely worth considering as an option).  All I can do is stand by my window, gazing out at world as it blossoms in the spring sun, and pray for the winter!  Let it snow, let it snow, let it SNOW!

SCHOLASTIC OWL PELLETS?

Rocky got some money from her father a couple of weeks ago to purchase a book from the Scholastic Book Order catalog.  All of my kids love to read so we try to let them chose out their own books from this system, which benefits their school as well.

Last week Rocky received her order.  She proudly held up a bright, colorful box as she bounced into the seat in Big Red. 

Me:  'Cool,' I said, 'Whats in it?'

Rocky:  'Owl Pellets!'

Me (not sure I heard right):  'Owl Pellets?'

Rocky:  'Yeah, you know, scat'.

Me:  'Oh no, you did not buy owl barf from your school book order!'

Rocky:  'But its really cool mom, its got bones and stuff in it!'

My daughter spent $6.95 for a box with a little pastic tweezer and a foil wrapped blob of dried owl barf!  And she got this from the school's book order program.  They are selling owl barf.... someone is collecting and selling owl barf.  And kids like mine are buying it for $6.95 a hurl.  Why couldn't I have thought of that!?

Edit 4/25/05:  After a quick eye opener from PLittle I did some emergency research and was relieved to discover that the owl pellets, which my daughter purchased, and scat, which was what she called it, are NOT the same thing!  Let me tell you, even I was grossed out and that doesn't happen very often!  Thanks P.

COUSINS

I just found this picture floating around on my computer.  It was taken in July of 2003, at my family reunion in Hawaii.  From left to right thats my cousin Kevin, my brother George, my wonderful Auntie Marion, myself, and my cousin Sharon.  My aunt and cousins lived right across the street from us and with us being so close in age we were always into mischief!  Kevin is the cousin (oh, I am going to be in sooooo much trouble for posting this) who came running over to borrow my book 'How To Regain Your Virginity' because he had a new girlfriend and he wanted her to think she was his first!  (he later married her and they are still happily married so I guess it worked!).  George, or Keoki, was my best friend.  It was him and Kev who dropped that VW on my legs while looking for frogs.  It was with him that I cut out of school to visit the Arizona Memorial for the first time... and we cried together on the shrine over the sunken deck as we realized that there were still bodies entombed on the ship.  And Sharon, well, I gave her a speical Hawaiian name which she used proudly for about a year before learning that the translation meant 'poop'.  I still call her 'Kukae' to this day.... Ahhhhh, yes, those were the days! 

DEATH BY POLLEN

I'm dying.  I have an incurible disease.  I have allergies.  I was first diagnosed 10 years ago.  I asked if it was fatal and they gave me that 'I'm sorry' look, but only said that I would have it until the day I died.  What a grim prediction!  What a long, slow, miserable, agonizing death!

I wake up every morning sneezing and am still sneezing when I go to bed.  My eyes itch so bad it feels like I've rubbed them with poison ivy.  And my nose is so sore from blowing and wiping.  I took some medicine yesterday, the non-drowsy type, and passed out!  When I woke up, I was sneezing again.  The kids think its neat that I can sneeze 10 times in a row.  My husband thinks its annoying how I sniff and sneeze morning, noon and night.  I think I should be losing weight for the amount of mucus I'm loosing all day long.    I just want it OVER!

I joke about it all the time, how I'm allergic to Colorado.  And its true, I didn't have any allergies until I moved here.  And once a year, but for 6 months out of the year, I suffer.  But I don't suffer alone.  I make everyone else around me suffers with my complaining and disgusting noises till they get to the point where they go looking for things to make me feel better just so I'll shut up.   Yesterday... it was a chocolate malt from Sonic!  Ah, yes, that temporarily relieved all symptoms!  Allergies develope tolerance to remedies though.  Today I think it might take a Grande Frappacino (double chocolate!) to make me more comforatable.

ON THE ROAD TO CONQUERING MY DEMON

Did I mention that I almost died yesterday?  Not really, but I thought I might, I was THAT SCARED!  Some idiot got in a truck and took off on an impulse to the mountains and it wasn't until she was driving down a narrow road with a dropoff on both sides of the road that she remembered 'Oh yeah, I'm afraid of heights, I should AVOID this drive!'  I think Big Red's steering wheel has a few more grooves dug into it.  I was so scared that I couldn't blink!

Whats with all those hair pin turns on a mountain road anyhow?  Whos idea was it to take a 10,000 foot high mountain and put all these twisty, turny roads on it... and right there on the edge of the mountain for Pete sake!  Were they CRAZY!  Did someone actually think it was a GOOD IDEA?  Good golly!  They must have been sucking on some pretty good moonshine back in those days... 'Hey Bart, lets put the most winding road possible as close to the edge of the cliff as possible on that there high mountain and see how many people fall off! Hahahaha!'  

I have to say though, yesterday, alone in the truck on that road from Hades, I conquered my demon!  And when it was time to turn back home, I went back the way I came instead of taking the long, safe, low road home.  It was a beautiful drive, and the trip was definitely worth it, but it ate up a half tank of gas so I won't be doing that again, by myself... EVER!  Phew! I almost had to change my drawers a couple of times!

You can view some of the pictures I took in Divide and Cripple Creek on my photo journal Through the Eyes of the Beholder.....

FEEL GOODS, Part II

Have you ever noticed how good it feels to slip between crisp, clean, new sheets?  I slept like a Queen last night and it was soooo hard to get out of bed this morning.  It was the same mattress, same squishy mattress pad, but the addition of brand new sheets fresh from the wash made it feel like Heaven!

Other feel-goods of mine, as in 'touchy, feely' kind of feel goods are:

 1.  A buzz cut!  I love to run my hand over Steve's freshly cut hair, and poor Gabe, I kept messing with his Basic Buzz.  Its like velvet to my hands.

 2.  Freshly mowed grass... I love to lay on it, a cushion of fragrant blades, soft as a feather bed.

 3.  Sand!  I grew up on an island and I loved the feel of sand falling from between my fingers, and under my bare feet.

 4.  Oh yeah, mud squishing between my toes!

 5.  A baby's soft skin.  If my skin were that soft I'd never stop touching myself!  I guess its a good thing its not, I wouldn't want people to think I was any weirder than they already think of me as.

 6.  Cool water on a hot day.  Nothing feels better!

 7.  Warmth from a fire on a cold day.  Again, nothing feels better!

 8.  Money!  Money has a distinctive feel, most people can tell the difference between a $20 bill and an ordinary piece of paper with their eyes closed, relying on the sence of touch only. 

 9.  The breeze on my hands and face.  Even when I'm driving I've got my hand out the window.

10.  My computer keyboard!  Oh my goodness, when I was away from it while traveling I thought I was going to go nuts.  When I finally got back home 5 days later I came straight here to the computer, sat down and put my fingers on the keys... not even waiting for Windows to load, and I just sighed, I was home!

GPS, Global Potty Satellite?

I am wondering, is there some sort of GPS attached to my butt, a Global Positioning Sattelite device that sets off some kind of alert so my family knows the perfect time NOT to try to talk to me?  They'll wait until I'm mid-stream to knock and ask  'Are you busy?' or 'What are you doing?'  I will not digify those questions with an answer.  I'm sure the public has access to my location as well because thats when the phone or the doorbell will ring.  At first I'll try to ignore the interruption, but then I start thinking... hey, it might be important, or an emergency!  So I pinch off and hurry up, do a swipe 'n wipe, waddle out of the bathroom while trying to shimmy my drawers back up my legs, I fall over the bed and grab the phone.... just as the caller hangs up.  Hahaha!  Cute trick you stupid telemarketer!  I'll hobble back to my retreat and no sooner do I sit when the door bell chimes out.  The kids are around, I know they are because they were just in the room inquiring what I was doing.... but do they answer the door?  Of course not, so once again I'm doing the  'Hold on, I'm coming' dance and rush down stairs to answer the door.  The vacuum salesman is just starting to walk away.  He hurries back with a big smile, politely ignoring my gaping fly.   I just shake my head and swing the door shut.  I return to my duties, feeling my jeans to see if there really was a GPS unit concealed in a pocket because their timing is amazing. 

Never a moment's peace,  ever!  I don't want to talk to someone while they're relieving themself, why can't others respect my privacy and allow me the same dignity?  Just a couple of minutes.  The world will survive without my presence  while I 'refresh' myself.  Just a moment of silence, is that too much to ask?  Besides, that my Yahtzee time and I have a high score of 623 to beat!

THE TRAIL, (my first and last attempt at Cowboy poetry)

Okay, in honor of National Cowboy Poetry Week, and PLittle, I thought I'd try my hand at a little Cowboy poetry myself.  I think it is now safe to say that Cowboy Poetry should be left to Cowboys and Poets.  May I present my one and only Cowboy poem, titled The Trail, an impromtu poem inspired by of 3 cups of very strong coffee.

You ride all day
'Til the sun sinks down
Behind the mountain peak.
And only then,
As the daylight fades
Do you stop to sleep.
In a blink of an eye
You're back on the path,
A trail that never ends.
Throughout the journey,
Your horse and your gun
Remain your only friends.

SNAKES AND ALLERGIES

Well, I didn't send the kids to school on a no-school-day like I had threatened.  Instead we took care of the pets, then went to the library, I gave a cooking lesson and we ended the day with a hike along the pond.  While hiking I spotted a snake out of the corner of my eye and took off after it as fast as my short chubby hobbit legs would allow me.  It wasn't until AFTER I caught it and held it out for the kids inspection that it dawned on me... "Hey, this IS a garder snake, right?"  Up until that point I was more concerned about it peeing on me than I was about it biting me.

I think I know why I felt so grumpy and out of sorts this morning.  Its allergy season!  I am SO allergic to just about everything growing here in Colorado and come spring I am an itchy, sneezy, red-eyed, runny-nosed miserable mess!  There is a reason I cannot grow anything.... its to help control my allergy attacks!  Those potted plants that were given to my by my co-workers when I quit my job... they're both dead!  Its just as well, I'd probably end up being allergic to them as well!  Ironically the beautiful cut flowers that were given to me by another co-worker the very same day, are still fresh in the vase! 

MY BEAUTIFUL (?) DAUGHTER BECCA

                  

This is my oldest daughter Becca.  If anyone has ever felt sorry for my children for having a parent like me, well, look what I have to live with!  Do you feel my pain?  Do you see where the term 'Evil Little Oompa Loompa' comes from?

By the way, Becca is practicing her skills as a make-up artist, specializing in scary faces.  She's good, isn't she!

MONDAY.......... (aghhhhhhh!)

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and just known that it was going to be a rotten day?  I try not to set the mood in a negative way, but this morning was just 'off'.  The kitchen stinks.  I've been keeping up with the dishes, but that one pot on the back of the stove... the one that looks clean and shiney on the outside... is not clean and shiney on the inside.  I am writing this in order to prolong the inevitable task of toxic waste disposal.

Its just after 9 am.  AOL would not load for 2 hours.  Oh, my internet connection was okay, I've got broadband and I could sign on to IE with no problem, and from there go to AOL.com.  But I couldn't do anything with my picture files.  I finally ended up having to redetect my connection and pretend that I was adding a new cable modem.  Anyhow, it works now... stupid machine!

The kids have been fighting since they got up an hour ago.  They don't have school today.... joy, joy!  I'm tempted to send them to school anyhow, they can sit in the playground until 3.  Weekdays are my days off, dang it!  I have already warned them, one more fight and someone is getting grounded!  Before they even open their mouths they are to ask themselves... 'is this worth being grounded over?', because that WILL be the outcome.

I got a call from Gabe yesterday.  He was getting ready to go to the field.  He had some great news to share with us.... yes... he is still deploying for the Gulf region by fall.  But instead of having to choose one or the other times for his block leave, he is actually being required to take BOTH!  He plans on flying home in June, and then again in August (he wants to have his first legal drink with his parents when he turns 21 in August!).  That really made my day, heck that made my month!

Okay, wow, this was very therapeutic.  I already feel better.  I have always maintained that writing my frustrations helps me to get over them faster.  I think I might actually be able to face the kids now.  (Poor Art even offered me a cup of coffee while I was upstairs ranting...)  Unfortunately the pot still needs to be contended with.  Ugh!  I'd throw it away if it wasn't one of my Wolfgang Puck pots...

CATFISH GALORE!

Wednesday afternoon Dickidoo called and said 'Don't cook supper, I've got some catfish!'  Hey, he didn't have to say it twice.  First of all I love when I don't have to worry about the evening meal and secondly.... I LOVE catfish!  I was waiting when he arrived home later that evening, and in his hands he had a cake pan wrapped carefully with foil.  I opened it up and literally gasped.  There had to be 2 dozen catfish fillets in the pan.  24 perfectly seasoned, lightly breaded and deep fried fillets.  I had them for every meal since then with the exception of the field trip, until they ran out yesterday afternoon.  Catfish with tartar sauce, catfish with ranch dressing when the tartar sauce ran out, I had them plain when I realized that they taste awesome just the way they were, I had a couple stuffed between two slices of soft white bread, and yes, I even had Breakfast catfish!  I've eatten so much fish that I'm starting to feel like a seal.  But a fat, happy and well fed seal!  The neat thing about catfish is.... it doesn't give you gas.  That was definitely a good thing considering the amount I had consumed in the past 3 days.

EVEN DUM-DUMS CAN BE TAUGHT

Okay, I think I've finally figured It out. I wasn't typing in the [:] between [journal] and [dust bunny club of north america] I still think the old fashioned way of setting up a journal entry is better, but I suppose if all I have available is AIM then this will do.
This concludes the test of the Emergency Journal Entry System.... We now return you to your regularily scheduled blogging. (sorry for all the alerts, but I was determined to figure this thing out!)

test test test test
Change Journals- Type journal: followed by a journal name (e.g. journal:my first journal).
Add Subject to Entry- Type subject: followed by a journal entry subject (e.g. subject: blogs).
Add Music to Entry- Type music: followed by a description of what you're listening to at the moment (e.g. music:springsteen).
Add Mood to Entry- Type mood: followed by a mood (e.g. mood:happy).
Quit Journal- Type quit to leave the journal you're currently working on.
Okay, so to switch to another journal I actually had to type the word [quit], and was then given the option to work on another journal. I guess It isn't so bad once you get to know It.

(this entry was created and modified by AOL Bot for AOLJournals.)

TAX DEDUCTIONS ANYONE?

Just a few suggestions for things I think should be deductable from our taxes:

*  Alcohol, for medicinal purposes of course!

*  Gas.  We're already being taxed at the pump, to tax the money that we spend at the pump would be double taxation.

*  Heck, any added sales tax would be double taxation.... first they tax your paycheck, and then add sales tax to everything you spend whats left of your paycheck on!  One or the other, not both!

*  School supplies, we average about $150 per child over the course of the year.  This should be separate from the child tax credit... any parent who has to deal with a child needs all the incentive they can get! 

*  Toilet paper!    Lets just say that the average house has 2 bathrooms, at 4 rolls of paper a week each, at a cost of $2.00 (mid-brand), with  6% sales tax, thats $12.48 on taxes for toilet paper over the course of the year.   I call it the Poop Tax, and I don't think we should have to pay it!  Just to prove my point I would like to arrange a boycott... a stand-in of people who don't use toilet paper for a week to stage a peaceful, although somewhat smelly protest at the IRS.... and we won't leave until they lift the Poop Tax.

(any other suggestions?)

Side note (bottom note... whatever!):  The picture I posted of Rocky eating a footlong hotdog was covered with chili and cheese, not ketchup and mustard.  Personally I wouldn't have had a problem with that much mustard, I love the stuff!  And to those of you who felt I should have said something to Mr. Soccer Dad, you're absolutely right.  It went against everything I am to resist a confrontation with him to a point where I was maybe a little overly conscious of my actions.  I Could-a  politely asked him to sit down.  I Should-a spoken up for the children... but then again, I probably Would-a said something rude to rile him up and then you all would have been reading about me on AOL news as the Chaparone Mom who attacked the Chaparone Dad at the ball game infront of a stadium full of 5th and 6th graders!  Rocky was proud of me, I didn't embarrass her and ultimately thats what matters.  But ohhhhh buddy.... if I see that guy again and he pulls something as inconsiderate as that again... I WILL have something to say to him!

CLASS CHAPARONE!

First of all, let me say that I had a great time at the Sky Sox game, even if the Sox were losing by a score of 9-3 when we had to board the buses to return to school.  And I am very proud to say that I was the text-book perfect chaparone.  I didn't lose any kids, there were no fights, and absolutely no mention of disgusting bodily functions.  AOL would have been so proud of me!  Okay, I may have mentioned something about how bugs flying up your nose might be way worse than having a bug fly into your eye, but I didn't give too many specific or graphic details.  For those 5 hours I lost my individual identity and was addressed as 'Mrs. Rocky's Mom', which really wasn't a bad thing!  And get this... because I was on my best behavior I wasn't the worst chaparone there!  No, that award would have to go to Mr. Soccer Dad, who stood up thru most of the game, blocking the view of all the kids behind him.  He was always barking at his group of students for one thing or another.  He even started yelling at the neighboring group of students.  I guess he got the hint from my glare because he didn't say a word to the nine students under my supervision.  He stood there like Ceasar, chastising the children while balancing his pizza box on one hand, his other hand on his fanny-pack... He'd turn back to the game off and on, still standing and I wanted to tell him to sit his big butt down, but the kids from the group behind him weren't watching the game, they were too busy making faces at his back.  I just smiled and let them. 

That footlong chili dog Rocky ate cost $4.25, the 2 bags of Cracker Jacks were $2.50 each, the pretzel with cheese $4.25 and the cookie... $1.25.  I left the game broke, but all in all it was very worth it. It was a very fun experience, one that I would consider doing again... if the school would ever consider having me again.  But next time I will come armed with a straw in which to shoot spit wads at Mr. Soccer Dad  if he chose to stand up infront of everyone again.

LETS PLAY BALL, and the attack of the Bots!

I'm using the AOL Bot for IM-ing journal entries... too cool! Anyhow, I'm getting ready to leave for the Sky Sox baseball game as Class Chaperone. Rocky has been bragging at school about me and I feel like I'm some kind of celebrity, a Fart Legend or something like that. (I really don't fart a lot in public). Hopefully I won't end up at the back of the bus in time-out. The school may never invite me to chaparone again, but thats okay, I'm going today and I'm soooo excited. LETS PLAY BALL!
Edit:  AOL Bots are NOT cool.  The crazy thing won't switch from my test journal to my Dust Bunny journal.  I even signed off of AOL 3 times, and then when I signed back on... the evil, possessed AOL Bot IMed me to let me know that it had added my last entry to my journal.  I guess there is some special command to switch over to another journal, but the Bot is not telling me what it is.  It doesn't want me to switch... It wants to keep posting the same entry in my test journal.  It wants to take over my computer, and then It wants to take over the WORLD!  But I am smarter than It.  I am going to manually add this entry, the way I always do, the good old fashioned way.  And later I will find a way to get rid of It and make It stop sending those stupid IMs to my test journal!  For now.... I have a ball game to go to!

PARENT/TEACHER CONFERNCE... or PTAphobia?

I had a conference with Zack's teachers and counselor this morning.  I always go to these things with a bit of dread.  I recall so vividly one particular conference with a teacher whom I will call 'Miss Whaa-Whaa', for she reminded me so much of the teacher on Charlie Brown, the one who speaks but all you hear is 'whaaa whaaaa whaaa'.  This teacher, and I know she meant well, would call me almost once a week to report on Zack.  When we finally sat down for the annual Parent/Teacher conference I swear she was out to get me.  She sat on a 'big people chair' on one side of the table, but I had to sit on a 'student seat', which was so low that I was practically sitting on the floor with my knees almost up to my chin.  I sat there at an obvious disadvantage.  And so began our conference.  She didn't even speak at first, she just lifted her hand about 2 feet above the table and dropped what she was holding.  Half a dozen little foil sculptures fell to the tabletop.  Unsure what was happening, I picked one up.  It was a perfectly constructed miniature model of an X-wing fighter from the movie Star Wars. 

'Very nice!' I said with sincere admiration.  That was the wrong thing to say.

'These were confiscated from your son who felt it was more important to make foil airplanes in class than to do his assignment.'  Miss Whaa-Whaa said with disapproval. 

Unsure what she wanted me to say since I had already blown it with my first comment, I assured her that I would no longer wrap his sandwiches in foil, thus eliminating the distraction.  Obviously that was once again the wrong thing to say.  When I left the classroom 10 minutes later I heard her writing on the chalkboard.  I didn't look back for fear of seeing her adding my name to the detention list. 

There is just something about Parent/Teacher conferences that fly me back to my school days and I sit infront of the teachers feeling small and insignificant, waiting for them to list all that I am failing at as far as parenting goes.  I believe they practice intimidation techniques.  I am usually a very confident person, but put me infront of a teacher and I'm as insecure as a school girl.  Even as an adult I run on tiptoes when I pass the principal's office.  Its funny but I've spent more time in the office as a parent than I ever did as a student!

Today was different.  Today I got to sit on a 'big person chair'.  Today I had my husband with me!  And the teachers... there were 6 in all, plus the counselor, were speaking to me as an adult.  They didn't berate my son, or me.  They didn't question my parenting skills.  They didn't make dramatic displays or ask trick questions.  They sincerely wanted to help my son.  I don't know if Zack saw that, but I did and it made a big difference on my attitude through out the meeting.  I did not feel insignificant, I was not intimidated.  I felt I was with friends who shared a common goal, to help my son achieve.

Hopefully that will be the last conference for the year.  But there will be more, I'll still have 3 children in school next year.  Maybe I'll even get over my phobia of these conferences by then.  Is there a name for such a phobia or am I the only parent who feels this way?  Maybe... and in that case I will name my phobia.... I will call the fear of Parent/Teacher conferences 'PTAphobia'

DUST BUNNY HIGHLIGHTS, August 2004

(click on the # to link to the original entry)

 1  'Tornado watch doesn't mean that you should go outside and watch for a tonado, it means get inside to safety idiots!...' That was my conscience speaking.  I never listen to her anymore.  She's the one who told me that getting married and having kids was a good idea.  She also told me that buying a 5 bedroom house was the answer to our messy, cramped lifestyle.  Now we have a messy lifestyle that fills a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, splitlevel house with a one car garage that doesn't even have room for one car!

 2.   I did transfer some money into my savings account, on the advice of some of you good folks who are looking out for me but I won't disclose the amount.  I will tell you that the tellers at my bank think I'm real funny.  They kept looking at me with tears in their eyes saying 'is she SERIOUS?' from the other side of their safety glass.  They were still laughing when I drove away. 

 3.   'Daddy, your boobies are bigger than mommy's'. 

 4.    I spend $300+ every two weeks on groceries, thats over $600 a month!  And you know what happens to those groceries after you prepare and eat them right?  They turn into .... oh what the heck... POOP!  I literally spend more than $600 a month on POOP!  For all the money I spend on POOP  the store could at least throw the toilet paper in for free!

 5.  I've always referred to farts as 'butt burps', now it all makes perfect sence!  The kids thought I was saying my bedtime prayer.  What I was saying in fact was "Dear Lord, thank you for not giving farts a taste... AMEN!"

 6.  Has anyone ever really paid attention to what these kids are watching nowdays?  Take Spongebob Squarepants, he's this strange, yellow Cello sponge who works at a restaurant on the bottom of the ocean.  One day his restaurant caught fire, so they formed a bucket brigade to put the fire out.  Another time they got cold while camping so they built a campfire.  They're UNDERWATER!  Fire can't burn UNDERWATER!  What about Cow and Chicken?  The amount of snot and other bodily secretions that they put out in one episode makes my Dust Bunny entries seem like The Brady Bunch Journal.  Cow is always picking her nose and ears with her brother Chicken (?) and she exposes her utters (!) and squirts the bad guys with milk.

 7.  Hmmmmm, I say, maybe we should have gotten the next size up.

Oh no, it fits great, she says, They just made it wrong.... they put the zipper too far apart!

So all this time when I thought I had outgrown my jeans, it was actually a defect in the jeans, the zipper was put on too far apart.  I love the innocent logic of children.

 8.  9 more hours until school starts.  I have organized a district wide celebration that kicks off at 8am tomorrow morning.  Members of the PASV (Parents Against Summer Vacation) will kick their children out of the house with a sack lunch and then gather in the streets to celebrate the start of the new school year.  Teachers across the districtwill hold a moment of silence to mourn the end of their vacation.  We parents will be rejoicing the beginning of ours!

9.  Have you ever played Ker-Plunk.... in the kitchen?  Its like Jenga.... with dirty dishes.  I have the 'Wash As You Need Them' policy in effect for dirty dishes and we always have a huge stack of dishes on the counter and in the sink.  And wouldn't you know it, what ever it is that I need is ALWAYS on the bottom of the stack.  The trick is to extract that utensil or dish without toppling the rest of the stack onto the floor.  The loser cleans up the mess and has to wash the rest of the dishes.

10.  I tried running at work yesterday.  It was funny.  Things started flying out of my pockets, and then I had to cross my arms over my chest so I wouldn't knock myself out with my flopping boobs.  I was glad I had that pad on cos my bladder wasn't liking the high impact workout at all!  Note to self:  NOTHING at work is worth running to!

SNOW DAY? 'whats cookin' air fresheners and stomach rumbles!

Its funny how in a state where it snows 7 months out of the year, it just takes a couple of inches of the white stuff to shut down the whole state.   Snow isn't the only cause for concern though, icy roads are trecherous and the wind chill can be deadly.  My children look forward to the snow, not because they enjoy playing in it, although they DO.  No, they look foward to it for one main reason... SNOW DAYS!  If there is one flake present they are sitting infront of the tv in the morning with one ear on the local radio station waiting to hear their school district being listed as closed or delayed.  It never happens though.  Rumor has it that the district's Board of Directors came from Alaska where snow was never a reason to cancel classes.  Never the less my children sat close to the tv this morning, listening ever so intently, ever so optimistically, waiting until the last possible moment to step outside.... just in case the district lets out a last minute bulletin.  It didn't happen and they left grudgingly for school, poor kids.

The house smells like roast pork and gravy, last night's supper reheated for breakfast.  Why don't airfresheners come in savory fragances like roast pork, or bacon?  Even garlic bread or pizza!  Those are a few of my favorite fragrances and yet you never see them as a Glade Stick-up, or a car-freshener.  Don't know why, everyone likes the smell, and it would give visitors the impression that you have been hard at work in the kitchen while masking unpleasant odors.  Much of the time my house smells like 'funk de jour', usually dirty laundry or the weekend's left overs.  A little spray of Glade's new 'What's Cookin' air fresheners would definitely be an improvement.  Imagine Dickidoo coming in after work, smelling Glade's Country Potroast scented Famous Fakes, and then being totally disappointed when I drop a plate of Vienna sausages on the table in front of him.  Its almost worth inventing just to see his expression!

My stomach has been making a lot of noise lately.  People around me look at me as if I had done something unpleasant.  What?!  It was just my stomach rumbling!  Of course they never believe me, but thatsokay.  I have a feeling that in a day or so they will learn first hand how to tell the difference between my stomach and my butt because that rumbling isn't the 'feed me, I'm hungry' rumble, its the 'pre-vapor' rumble!  Once those rumbles are vaporized there will be no doubt as to where they came from!

MY SUPPORT TEAM

I spent spent the afternoon with my husband.  Initially we were just planning on going to the store to get some fixings for supper, but as he was walking out the door he told me to bring the camera.  I'm glad I did because he surprised me with a little field trip to the Garden of the Gods and Manitou Springs to see if there were any photo opportunities with a winter storm blowing over the foothills.  I still maintain that he is a paparazzi in denial and think even he would be surprised if he were ever to pick up the camera and let his creativity loose... but for now he can be my chauffeur and wing-man.  His sharp eye has gotten me many good shots, and lately he's even pulled over so I can actually focus!

I would like to take this time to extend my gratitude and appreciation to all of my fellow bloggers who supported me during my little pity party in yesterday's post about Cyber acceptance.  One of the biggest attractions to the public journals and message boards was the ability to be myself so when 'myself' came under fire recently I was unsure at first what to do about the situation.  I had already made up my mind not to change my ways, I've never been in it to impress anyone, but after reading all those lovely supportive comments I am more determined than ever to remain the dysfunctional blogger that I am.  Thank you all.  (fol and proud of it!)

CYBESE 101

Well, I never really thought I had a problem before, but it has recently, and quite frequently, been brought to my attention that my online communication skills are lacking.  Most people are quite nice about it and apologize for the misunderstanding, but there are others who jump all over my words, twist them completely out of context and smear my name all over the place, leaving me dazed and confused by their reactions to my comments.

And why?  Because I don't follow the rules.  I don't add 'lol' at the end of a joke or a comment that should be taken with a pinch of humor.  I write what I think, and the way I think it.  I don't follow up everything I say in person with a laugh, so I'm not going to add an 'lol' to the end of every joke or humorous comment I make online.  I don't type 'fol' or 'sbd' everytime I fart, so why would I type 'lol' everytime I laugh? 

I have been told that a person's online personality is different from their real-life personality.  I'm not talented enough to have multiple personalities.  The way I 'talk' online is exactly how I talk in person.  Yes, I'm a 44 year old woman who says 'dude', and 'agh!' all the time in my daily conversations.  I speak fluent sarcasm.  I think I am honest, but tactful.  If I think my comment or opinion might hurt someone's feeling or offend them I will refrain from making it... unless I WANT to hurt or offend, which really isn't in my nature.  Okay, well, maybe the offend part might be a little in my nature, but I would never deliberately hurt someone.

So what do I do?  How do I improve my cyber-communication skills?  You know what?  I don't think I can, and even if I could, I don't know that I would want to.  That would be like making a major overhaul in my personality.  I'm 44 years old... I'm not like a fine wine, I am NOT going to improve with age.  I'm too tired to even try to impress anyone anymore.  I don't have the energy to be someone that I am not.  I cannot fit the cyber-savvy mold that some feel everyone should conform to for more convenient and uniform www experience.  Folks, this is what and who I am.  I won't apologize or make excuses.  I am what I am, and what I am is what I am!  (love that quote!).  Take me or leave me.   sbd (oops, excuse me!)

GLOSSARY:
   lol:  laugh out loud
   fol:  fart out loud
   sbd:  silent but deadly

BEDROOM HOROSCOPE, and the !@#$%&*?! alarm clock.

My bedroom horoscope:  (I shall never be able to read a horoscope the proper way again, thank you very much Dickidoo!)

Anyone who thinks that you Virgos lack stamina just doesn't know who you are these days in bed. You are wired to a power source that fuels you and keeps you strong in bed. Today is a day for an emotional breakthrough in bed. Apply your logic and your intuition in even measure in order to get the most out of the current opportunity in bed.

I hate alarm clocks.  That is why I don't use them.  I don't need one, I have an internal alarm clock.  It even adjusts to daylight savings... eventually.  Dickidoo uses his alarm clock... sometimes.  This morning he did not.  Thats not to say that he didn't set it last night.  He set it for 5 am.  But he did not use it!  The alarm, which for some reason was set at maximum volume, screamed in my ear for almost a minute, before this man, who will awaken if you even think of changing the TV channel, shut it off.  Wonderful... I don't have to be up for another hour and I'm wide awake!  Is he?  No, because he did not use his alarm clock.  He turned it off and went back to sleep, while I, who could have used the extra sleep lay awake listening to his contented snores.  I hate when he snores and I'm wide awake, that really makes me angry, especially when I want to snore as well, but can't because he woke me up and I have difficulty falling back asleep once I'm awake.

After 30 minutes of scheming and plotting revenge, I smack his shoulder.  Yes, I know... I should have waken him sooner, but I was busy... scheming.  He rolled out of bed and I rolled back to my side to continue my scheming.  Revenge shall be mine.  One hour later I forgot all about pay-backs as I opened my eyes and glanced at the alarm.  Holy Cannoli.... I was late!  When did I fall back asleep?  I jumped out of bed and rushed down the hall.  The Oompa Loompas were already up and getting ready for school.  They chimed out their 'good mornings' as they went about their business.  I made my way to the coffee pot... dry as usual.  Doesn't anyone else in this house know how to make coffee besides me?  Okay, so maybe I'm pretty much the only one who drinks coffee, still, it would be nice to wake up to a fresh pot.

Rocky says she has a hoarse voice.  She made me listen to her breathing.  What does it sound like, she asked.  I said it sounded like she had a huge loogie down there.  She says she thinks she will lose her voice and become mute.  I say 'good', and get a coffee mug from the cupboard.  One thing I've noticed since I've quit my day job, I always have clean coffee cups now.  How cool is that!  No more delays as I hunt for the cleanest cup on the counter.  Once that coffee is brewed, swoosh, right into a sparkling clean mug.  I could get used to this.

So, now that the kids are all at school and Dickidoo is at work, I must resume my plotting... how to get back at Mr. 'Lets-Set-My-Alarm-So-My-Wife-Gets-Up-While-I-Sleep'.  I know this really cool trick involving Saran Wrap and a toilet seat... but with my luck I'll be the one who gets up in the middle of the night to pee first.  Oh well, I still have some time before he gets home tonight....  One thing's for sure, we won't be proving my horoscope's accuracy until I catch back up on my rudely interrupted sleep!

WORDS OF WISDOM, (yes, I do have some) Weekend Assignment #54

This Weekend's Assignment is Words to the Wise, or more specifically what single piece of wisdom have I learned from a personal life experience.  My most widely known piece of advice was actually the topic of a recent post of mine, yesterdays to be exact.  However I do not believe that it would qualify as being learned through personal experience for as profound as the saying "Don't swallow your bubblegum because if you fart you will blow a bubble out of your butt" is, it has yet to be proven.

There fore I will nominate my 2nd favorite:  "Don't say or do anything behind a person's back that you wouldn't say or do infront of their face".  Don't sneak because you will get caught.  Don't lie because the truth will be revealed.  Don't call in sick so you can attend a banquet because it will be televised and your boss will see you on the 6 o'clock news!

Would the teenaged me have taken my own advice?  Absolutely not!  I didn't take my parents advice, why would I take my own?  And when my children tune my advice out like a TV-land rerun because they are from Generation X and know better, I just smile because I  DO know better .... I know that one day they too will be parents with little Ultra GenX kids of their own!  And I will be sitting back laughing and singing 'I told you so!'

THE FORTY-SOMETHING MEDICINE CABINET

When I was in my 20's , the contents of my medicine cabinet were simple... toothpaste, toothbrush, my favorite Avon cologne, various hair care products, his and hers deoderant, shaving cream, q-tips, his razor and after shave, eye brow tweezers, a small arsenal of CoverGirl makeup products, Midol, a box of tampons and pantiliners, KY jelly (hey, where'd that come from?) and a little pastel purple case with my birth control pills in them.

20 years later we have a bigger medicine cabinet, which is a good thing because the contents of my cabinet have drastically changed over the years. There's the usual toothpaste, toothbrush, my deoderant, his razor and my favorite Elizabeth Arden cologne (I've outgrown Avon).  But thats the end of the similarities.  There are no hair care products at all!  The eyebrow tweezer has been reassigned to plucking white hair from my head.  I don't keep my tampons and pads in the medicine cabinet any more because I buy... the ECO-PAK!  I haven't needed Birth Control pills ever since I had my husband neutered, I'm taking Estro-Cal instead.  There's a bottle of Geritol where the Midol once stood, several expired bottles of GetThinQuik pills with only a couple missing, Preparation H (hey, where'd that come from?) and finally, a tube of Poligrip to keep that smile in place!  He no longer wears aftershave or deoderant... I guess he figures he doesn't need to smell nice for me anymore.  Thats okay, because since I quit my job I don't wear make-up any more!  I guess we've reached that point in our life when appearances no longer rate high on our priority list, we're just happy to get up each morning to a new day... and once we've gotten rid of our dragon-breath we're set to face the new day.

THE GREATEST SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT THAT NEVER WAS!

I got another call from the school yesterday.  Great, what a wonderful way to start the day!  But this time, for once, it was a GOOD call.  It was from Rocky's teacher informing me that I had been picked from the list of volunteer parents to be a chaparone for the upcoming field trip.  I am ecstatic!  Rocky is ecstatic!  The teacher is probably ignorant.  She has probably not heard of the Greatest Science Fair Project that never was!  But there are still teachers at that school who remember.......

It was probably our first year here, and my oldest son had been caught chewing bubble gum in the house, which was and still is a big 'no-no'.  He immediately swallowed the evidence to which I scolded... 'Never swallow your bubblegum!  If you do and then you fart, you will blow a bubble out of your butt and make a mess in your britches!'  Satisfied with my creative reasoning, I sent him to his room to contemplate his crime, and that was that... or so I thought.

What I didn't know was that I had just planted the seed for the biggest playground experiement in the history of the school.  The problem:  Can you fart a bubble from your butt after swallowing bubblegum?  Materials:  bubble gum, and a bean burrito.  Hypothesis:  Yes, if you eat the burrito the night before and the gum reaches the exit point before the vaporized burrito.  Conclusion:  inconclusive, more tests needed.

These tests have been going on for over 10 years now.  The idea circulates the schoolyard like an urban myth on the internet.  My youngest daughter came home one day to inform me that according to her tests the statement was incorrect.  I made that comment before she was even born, and its still out there!

And now her teacher wants me to be the fieldtrip chaparone!  I'm sure some of the older teachers tried to convince her to choose someone else, someone who didn't think that a 2 second belch was a 'good one!', or that shooting a snot-rocket without getting it on your face was a talent, someone who didn't think the best way to get rid of peas was to flick them across the table...  someone who didn't snort koolade to get colored boogers, someone who didn't admire her son's confiscated foil Xwing Fighters that were made in class instead of doing his assignments, someone who didn't plant ridiculous ideas in young, impressionable heads that cause them to wonder... can you really fart a bubble if you swallow bubblegum? 

Okay, the teacher probably was desperate.  I'm sure nobody else volunteered and I was her last and only choice, but thats okay...  Look out people, I'm going to the ball game, and I'm a CHAPARONE!

BOTTLE CAPS

Alright... how cool is this, huh?  This is my little collection of bottle caps.  No, I didn't drink them all by myself, its almost 2 years worth of parties and football games.  Mine are the Corona (but not ALL of them), RedDog (yeah, okay, ALL of them!) and Coca Colas.  The original picture is down below.  Both are nice, but I really LOVE the neon picture.  I love my PSP!

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS... (again!)

I just have to share this picture with you.  Can you guess what Rocky is doing with the power-washer?  She's killing flies!  She and her daddy had just finished washing those dishes there on the table with the jet-sprayer when the unlucky insect chose the wrong patio at the wrong time to land on.  'Whoosh!' And that was the end of the fly!

I woke this morning and discovered that the time on my computer had been set back an hour... again!  Now I KNOW I fixed the time last night, and yesterday morning... and Dickidoo set it according to the The official U.S. time - clock  on Sunday, so what is going on?  Visions of Space Odyssey and the HAL 9000 danced through my head.  Was my Motherboard taking over my computer?  Is my house next?  Is that such a bad thing?  I checked my computer clock, yes, it was set to Mountain Time... I reset the correct time, hit [Apply], then decided to check the other tabs.  And lo and behold... on the next screen... the [Automatically adjust clock for daylight saving changes] box had been de-selected, so every time I changed the clock, the computer would change it back!

The Light Police raided my house yesterday.... twice!  The first time was at lunch time, when Dickidoo came home to drop off some money for Rocky's science fair project.  I joined him upstairs and was greeted by his waving arms, indicating to the lights that were burning brightly in the diningroom and kitchen.  This was the first time I had been upstairs since the last of the kids left for school... I had no idea the lights had been left on.  The undercover police returned later in the evening after a stakeout at the University of Phoenix campus.  He walked upstairs and without so much as a 'Honey, I'm home!', he flailed his arms again at the kitchen and diningroom lights.  I have been tried and found guilty by association for the crime of excessive voltage abuse.  Obviously I need to go back and review my SAHM manual because I completely missed the memo onbeing accountable for childrens' wasteful acts, even if I am unaware of them.  To be more truthful I'm about ready to kick off my June Cleaver high heels cos this just isn't going to happen.  And for those of you trying at this very moment to imagine me in high heels, stop!  I only wear high heels for funerals... which might be sooner than later if someone doesn't lighten up with the nagging!  Hey, wait a minute... I thought nagging was supposed to be MY job! 

I have to hand it to him though... he's making a very conscious effort to make this work, which means cutting down on expences like utilities!  I know we can do it, we've done it before on less.  We just need to get the kids in our corner.  I fear we have spoiled them with our previous lifestyle.  The chore chart is already in effect.  Its just a draft for now, but it helps.  And (heavy sigh) I suppose I need to be more diligent with my nagging and following up on the kids.. and myself.  I wonder... did Dickidoo ever consider when he asked me to become a full time mom and housewife that I just might not have been the most qualified person for the job?

MONDAY PHOTO SHOOT: ACTION

My kids all love to ride our dirt bikes.  Even my youngest daughter Rocky, 10, is fearless on the little Pantera but she didn't get that from me because I am terrified of going that fast with out a seatbelt, doors and a roof over my head!  This is my oldest son Gabe about 2 weeks before he left for bootcamp in October.  He is now a Calvary Scout, awaiting orders for deployment to the Gulf Region sometime in early fall.

Your Monday Photo Shoot: In Action!

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS, and things not to do while you're sitting on the toilet.

I hate daylight saving time.  2 times a year we have to either set the clock forward or back an hour just so we can keep up with the sun until Leap Year, at which time we add another whole day!  Why don't we just leave it alone... By the time Leap Year gets here we should be right about where we're supposed to be.  And while we're talking about Leap Year, if you ask me... that extra day should not be added into the work week... it should be... a HOLIDAY!

The only problem we encountered this year is that everyone was so intent on 'springing ahead' and making sure that all the clocks were changed... that nobody was really keeping track of which ones had aready been changed and which ones still needed to be set.  By sundown we had no idea what time it was.  My computer was supposed to adjust to the correct time automatically, but apparantely it did not.  My daughter changed my range clock... after someone else had already changed it so that clock was an hour ahead. Of all the clocks and watches in the house, not a single one of them was telling the correct time, and no two clocks were the same.  We ended up going online to get the correct time and then Dickidoo went back through the house adjusting all of the clocks.  Except for mine... he knows better.  Mine stay the same year round.  Eventually it catches up and I avoid the kind of chaos that was present in the house today.  This morning my computer was one hour behind.  Come on, is all this really necessary?

Yesterday, while I was sitting on my favorite Yahtzee chair playing pocket Yahtzee (and winning by the way!) I became aware of giggling coming from the room next door.  Well the room next door is the main bathroom.  Why would someone be in there giggling?  Before long the giggles turned into out right laughter!  Now I was just plain worried... what could possibly be going on in the bathroom that was that funny?  I quickly finished up my game and exited my Executive Suite and went down the hall where my oldest daughter was just coming out of the bathroom, the sound of the toilet running in the background... and the wireless IMer in her hand!

Boobidoo (thats me):  I KNOW you were not using that thing whileyou were sitting on the pot!
Bobblehead (thats Becca):  Yeah, so, you play yahtzee when you're on.
Boobidoo:  But thats not interactive, I'm not talking to someone... thats like peeing while you're talking on the phone, its like talking to the person in the next stall while you're dropping a load... you just don't do it!
Art (thats Art):  Thanks mom... I was trying to ignore her.

Okay, so let me get this straight.... my daughter was sitting on the throne relieving herself while she was IMing her brother who was sitting in the diningroom.  Now I know what my kids did all day while I was at work!

Yesterday I posted an entry about pulling some white hair from my head.  I also posted a picture of myself with me with my version of a Farah Fawcett Major's Big Hair-do.  After reading some of the comments I am thinking that some of you might have thought that was my real hair.  Well, it is... sort of.  I added a little fullness and volume with the help of PaintShopPro.  Just to clear it up, I am posting a picture of me before and after my make-over.

THE MYTH BEHIND WHITE HAIR...

I spent too much time in front of the mirror last night.  The problem with doing that was that one tends to see more than one wants to see!  Last night I saw White Hair... and definitely more than I wanted to see!  So I reached for the tweezers and started yanking those buggers out.  In no time I had a little pile of white hair about 30 strands high!  I looked in the mirror with satisfaction, then gasped and peered closer.  I now had 3 little bald patches!  Absolutely Wonderful!  And if that wasn't bad enough I suddenly remembered that old wives tale about every time you pluck a white hair 5 more white hairs will grow back in its place. Absofrickly Wonderfickenful!  So I'm going to be almost bald... and what little hair remains will be white!

Hey wait a minute... if 5 more white hairs grow back to replace each one that was pulled... and I pulled approximately 30... that means that 150 hairs will grow back where the 30 once were.  I can dye them brown and I'll have a wonderful head full of hair!  You can keep your Lady Rogaine... I'm doing it the natural way!  Where are those tweezers?  I may look like one of my daughter's baby doll's head who's hair was brushed too many times... with bare patches here and there... but before long... POOF!  Farrah Fawcett Majors move over!

TRUE OR FALSE ANSWERS.

 Can you guess which one of these statements about me is TRUE?

1.  I am a stronger swimmer than my husband.
    Although I grew up in Hawaii and spent much of my time in the ocean, I am not a strong swimmer.

2.  I just celebrated my 1st Anniversary online with AOL.
     I have been with AOL since 1998 but my Dust Bunny journal just turned 1 in March.

3.  We have 4 working computers in my house.
     While we do own 4 computers, only 2 are in commission.

4.  My real name is Jody.  Dornbrau is actually my last name.
     Dornbrau is the name of a particularily nasty German beer, I typed the name in sheer desparation while attempting to come up with a screen name that was not already in use and have been Dorn for the past 6 years.

*5.  My favorite room in the house is the kitchen.
     The kitchen is in fact my favorite room... it is also the messiest room in the house.

Can you guess which one of these statements about me is FALSE?

1.  I took my first step when I was 13 months old.
    Why walk when you can be carried?  Hey, I wasn't a dummy when I was a baby!

*2.  I love to ride dirtbikes with my family.
     I am the only one in the family who does NOT ride our dirtbikes, I prefer to watch with my feet planted firmly on the ground.

3.  I own 6 guns but not a single diamond.
     I lost my only diamond when I lost my wedding ring more than 11 years ago.  I currently own 2 shotguns, a 30.06, a .22 pistol, a flintlock dueler and a .54 flintlock rifle.  I will probably aquire more because when Dickidoo buys a new gun and feels guilty about it later he pretends that he bought it for me all along.

4.  I received wedding proposals from 5 different men.
     Dickidoo was my 4th proposal.  My 5th proposal came from his best friend, who proposed to me for Dickidoo.  I accepted the proposal by proxy.

5.  I still eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with a spoon.
     I love peanut butter, and the proper way to eat it is straight out of the jar with a spoon.  I have run out of the house on my way to work with a spoon sticking out of my mouth on more than just one occasion.

Thanks everyone for playing.  Sorry, no prizes, just a little more insight into what makes me tick (just in case anyone really wanted to know).

TRUE OR FALSE?

 Can you guess which one of these statements about me is TRUE?

1.  I am a stronger swimmer than my husband.

2.  I just celebrated my 1st Anniversary online with AOL.

3.  We have 4 working computers in my house.

4.  My real name is Jody.  Dornbrau is actually my last name.

5.  My favorite room in the house is the kitchen.

Can you guess which one of these statements about me is FALSE?

1.  I took my first step when I was 13 months old.

2.  I love to ride dirtbikes with my family.

3.  I own 6 guns but not a single diamond.

4.  I received wedding proposals from 5 different men.

5.  I still eat peanut butter straight out of the jar with a spoon.

HAPPY APRIL 1st... (and now for the REAL story)

SAHM, WEEK 1

Okay... not really.... my Things To Do list isn't getting any shorter. That was just wishful thinking.  But I wasn't kidding about Dickidoo finding new things to add to my list, thats like a new obsession of his, as if he feels compelled to make sure I don't get bored (?) while I'm at home.  And the chore chart for the kids... that part was for real too (sorry kids!).

Paperwork, schmaper work... I'm nowhere near being ready to file my taxes or to submit the hunting applications.  And I don't hunt dust bunnies, I collect, protect and nurture them.  Dust bunnies are my friends! 

Day 2 of my diet?  I don't do diets.  There is a reason why the word 'diet' begins with the word 'die'... Nope, pass....  The part about the hot sauce, unfortunately, was true, as was the part about constipation.  Why is it that constipation always seems to follow a bout of ... well... the squirts....  why can't I just have a happy in-between.  My bottom hurts!

Dickidoo was off today, which means he got to sleep in while I got the kids ready for school.  We were SUPPOSED to get the stuff together so we could get our taxes done, but it was such a beautiful day that I went out with my camera, and Dickidoo... took a nap!  When I returned home though he was waiting and he drove me to take some more pictures... and this time he even pulled the truck over and STOPPED!  And now he's getting the oil in Big Red changed.  Holy Hallaballoo!  Yep, I can get used to SAHM stuff!

Happy April Fools everyone!

Update:  Photos taken today in lieu of housework are posted on my photo journal: Through the Eyes of the Beholder.....

SAHM, WEEK 1

I've finally done it, I've whittled my 'Things To Do' list from about 130 items down to just 4... the main bathroom, the kitchen shelves, the hall closet (scary) and the laundry room.  Once I finish those today my Spring Cleaning is offically OVER and Spring Break begins for me.  And starting tomorrow... the kids new Chore Assignment charts go into effect (that should go over REAL well!)

I guess today is a paperwork day... fun stuff like taxes and hunting applications, but for once I'm prepared.  And I have a good feeling about it this year... we may even get a refund.  Not too sure about the hunting draw though.  I've not been too lucky lately and had to sit out last season.  The only hunting I did last year was hunting for Dust Bunnies, and even then I came out empty handed, even though there are tracks and signs of their presence all over my house.

Day 2 of my diet... and its not looking too promising at this point.  I tried to purge my system, but unfortunately when I was praying to the good Lord to cure me of the painful effects of hot sauce on my breakfast sandwich, He responded by replacing my hot-squirts with.... you guessed it... constipation!  So, for the time being, what goes in is NOT coming out, and I am holding excess weight.  It should look good on my little weight chart though when my Maker finally decides that he's had enough fun with me and lifts the curse.  In the mean time, its an all liquid diet to avoid any further build up at the dam.

Well, I'm off to get the kids ready for school.  Dickidoo is off today, but I'm letting him sleep in since he's the hard-working, breadwinning head-of-the-household now.  I imagine when he gets up he will have added a dozen more items to my Things To Do list so I guess I better get started now.  Oh yes, the leisure life of a Stay At Home Mom!