MIRACLE WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

Today I got on the scale and weighed myself.  No, I'm not going to tell you how much I weigh.  I could but then I would have to kill you, and being as I leave for California in a day and a half I wouldn't have time to kill you all... so lets just not got there, okay?

Soooo, anyhow, I'm on the scale and I don't like the weight it registers.  I call it 'liar', and other 4-letter names, but the needle remains on the same number.  Annoyed, I get off the scale and strip.  I loose 2 pounds instantly and am happy.  Naked, I make the adjustment on my weight log I keep on the vanity cupboard door, written with my eyeliner pencil.  Suddenly my stomach rumbles.  Ah, the daily constitutional!  I sit on my throne and contemplate the day's events.  When I am done I wipe and flush... (unlike the other members of my family I do not suffer from latrinaphobia).  Then, just for a refresher I step back on the scale.  Holy mackeral, I lost another 3 pounds! 

So, here is the secret to Dorn's Miracle Weight Loss Program.  Its very important that you follow ALL of these steps.  Get naked, drop a healthy turd and empty your bladder before weighing yourself!  You'll be amazed by the results!

Just once I'd like to spend a day off doing something that didn't include dirty dishes or dirty laundry.  I did loads and loads of each yesterday.  The dishes situation is getting way out of hand.  I wash one plate, they use two.  I wash two plates and they use four!.  I've offered a solution to this that would also solve my financial problems.... I just won't feed the kids and will never have to wash another dirty dish again.  Plus the money saved on food ($600+ a month for a family of 7) would be enough to make payments on the new truck I've been dreaming about.

I had to take my son to his psychologist yesterday.  He goes once a week so this Dr. who isn't licensed to prescribe asprin, can tell my normal son that he's perfectly normal, see you next week!  Thats okay, he knows how to ask the right questions and I'm already seeing a change for the better in my son.  You know, sometimes its easy to miss subtle changes in your child, but when he stops laughing thats a BIG warning sign.  He's got such a great sence of humor and its so nice to see him happy again.  I still don't understand half of what he says cos he's smarter than I and memorizes the programs from the History Channel, but he's smiling again and thats the main thing.

My husband and I are back to being friends.  He thinks we need to get professional help, you know, talk to a Dr. who hasn't got a license to prescribe medicine... I think he needs to APOLOGIZE for starters.  And then he can take those condoms out of his bag.  What am I supposed to think when he's still carrying them around... is he still hoping to get lucky?  That old saying 'Its the thought that counts' doesn't mean squat on Birthdays or Anniversaries, but when you're carrying a condom buddy, you better believe even just the thought will get you in almost as deep as if you had actually done something with them.  So thank you, but no thanks, I'll just stick with my home remedy... my little effigy.  

Let me just add folks, especially those who know us in person, no, I'm not planning on harming Mr. Dickiedoo, and I'm not going to make a bodybag out of a condom and place his voodoo doll in it (although that would make a nice picture, don't you think?).  I just think that my verbal rants here are more therapeutic for me than any psycho-analysis by a trained professional who will conclude after 20 weeks what we already know to be true now... the braincells in my husbands northern head are deteriorating causing the braincells in his southernly head to take over and do the majority of the decision making.  Unfortunately for him at the very same time the braincells in the right side of MY brain are starting to die off, causing the braincells on the WRONG side of my brain to take over the thought process, and no amount of coffee can fix this one.  And lets face it my head is harder than either one of his!

California is just a few days away.  I'm getting excited.  My in-laws really are cool people.  Its just that my sister-in-law has a BA or something in child psychology and while she never used it professionally, she is constantly analysing my children, checking to see if they're telling the truth, reading too much between the lines and not enough into the sincerity of the action or words themselves.  Basically she's paranoid, but she's also a very sweet, intelligent (oh my gosh is she intelligent!) and very generous.  She and her brother are more alike than either one of them cares to admit.  They had a big fight last summer and we are visiting against  my better judgement, but hopefully they will make up and be done with this grudge.  There's no place in a family for that kind of thing....  Hahahaha!  I just realized how hypocritical that must sound, especially after those last two paragraphs I just wrote!  Oh well, do as I say, not as I do.

Well, time to go slap on my pre-fab face and get ready for work.  Only 2 more days and its vacation!  My husband is taking his laptop so hopefully I'll be able to get my blog-fix, but I don't know what kind of schedule or internet access we will have so I might end up having to go cold turkey.  I'm getting the shakes and having withdrawal symptoms just thinking about it!

PEE PUNCH

Y'all like that one, huh?  Its one of many terms I have come up during my ranting and raving at the kids.  Yes, flushing has always been and still is a big issue in this house.  They'll go in and make their addition to the pot and take off without bothering to flush.  Finally one day I'd had enough.  There had to have been at least 3 different vintages in there and it was really smelling rank.  I had the kids at attention and began doing my lousy drill sgt. impression, with spit flying,my veins buldging from my forehead and my eyes all wild and crazy looking.  I asked the kids if that was their intention, to keep on adding until they got some kind of disgusting 'pee punch...' Well, anyhow, the term stuck and thats what we call it when more than one person uses the same toilet water without flushing.  Not something you'd serve at a party, thats for darn sure.

 

GOOD MORNING.

Woke up this morning to half a pot of cold coffee.  I don't waste coffee, I'll reheat it first.  Today that was not a good idea.  That coffee was sooooo strong that it didn't even change color when I added the creamer.  I kept adding creamer, waiting for it to start lightening but it never happened.  So now I have this thick, syrupy sweet cup of 150 proof caffeine.  I can almost feel the hair growing on my chest.  In fact I'm soooo buzzed on caffeine that I can almost HEAR the hair growing.

I've noticed from the response to my last coffee post that I am not alone in my addiction.  I'm glad to see that.  I'm so tired of getting weird looks from people when I chug a cup of joe.  My kids, after accepting my addiction, have begun accomodating me.  Its really funny.... sweet, but funny.... how fast one of them will brew a pot of coffee when I get on a rampage.  5 minutes top and one of them is standing there with a cup for fresh hot coffee held out as a peace offering.  How can you be mad after that?  I can't, I'm a sucker, I know it. 

It was brought to my attention that I make a lot of references about commode discoveries.  Okay, the secret is out.  My family suffers from a rare phobia, its called 'latrinaphobia', which is the fear of the bathroom.  They rush in and rush out, sometimes not even taking the time to shut the door, and NEVER taking the time to flush, leaving lots of opportunity for strange new discoveries.  Even Mr. Dickidoo suffers from it.  I do not like to reuse toilet water.  When I sit, my 'self' is a little closer than the average male's 'self' (yeah right buddy, in your dreams and mine!), and therefore I am susceptible to splashes.  The last thing I want splashing up on me is Pee Punch.  Another thing that bugs the snot out of me is how nobody else in the house will put a new roll of toilet paper on the roller.  Why?  I'll ask who used the last of the paper and everyone says 'not me'.  My next question is then who changed the toilet paper.  They all pipe in 'not me' but the point is lost on them because they all have 'latrinaphobia'.  Which brings tomind the great toilet paper mystery.  If nobody uses up all the toilet paper, then where the heck is it?

Back in the old days....

This is a picture of me and my husband with our first born son.  No, we're not that old, the period clothing were just a prop.  That was the only time my son has ever worn a dress I'm glad to say.  Hmmmm, come to think of it, that might be the last time I wore a dress as well!  My son is going on 20 now, and will be a father by Christmas.  Its killing me that he and his girlfriend are separated for the time being and I pray so hard that they will be able to get together soon so that I may begin practicing my rights as a grandmother-to-be.  I've got soooo many rotten things to teach my future grandbaby!  Oh the fun I will have!

I was almost a grandmother once before.  My eldest came home one night from work and told me that rumor was going around that one of the cashiers he worked with and was friends with, who just happened to be pregnant at the time... was actually pregnant with twins.... one of them being his!  He then told the cashier, who was also a friend of mine, that she must really be a lousy lover because he didn't even remember the sex.  When she gave birth to her beautiful blonde hair and blue eyed daughter I demanded to know where my little dark hair and dark eyed grandbaby was, cos that sweet little pinky baby was no relationship to me.  I got to babysit little Micheala once and it just made me soooo impatient for a grandchild.  How cruel that now when I finally have a grandchild on the way, the mother is clear across the other side of the country.

In the mean time I guess I'll have to settle for babysitting.  I love kids... much as I fuss about my own, and am a sucker when it comes to babysitting.  I'll babysit for free, but many of the young mothers I've sat for feel bad when they can't afford to pay me so I barter with them.  In the past I have worked for pizza (she worked at Dominoes), milk, eggs, cheese and peanut butter...(too much in the house), potato salad and soup (she worked at a snackbar), zucchini and yellow squash (a better gardener than I), and baked goods.  Truth be known for the enjoyment I got out of it I should have been paying them, but man, it was nice having homemade brownies that didn't have to be soaked in milk in order to bite into them.

Today ended out being okay.  Nothing bad happened.  I had a couple of run ins with some grumpy customers, but I kept thinking something worse would happen so they didn't seem so bad.  I think my husband is mad at me because my oldest boy was cussing infront of my youngest daughter (who charges a quarter for every cuss word) and I didn't stop him.  I'm waiting for him to say something, because I can then remind him that not only did he cuss infront of the children just recently, he actually cussed AT them, which is 10 times worse!  Besides, little Rocky is doing a great job taming her oldest brother's mouth.  He's gone from paying up about $5 a week to maybe $1 a week.  And just in case you're wondering, yes, she charges everyone, including guests a quarter for every cuss word.  Last year at our Fourth of July picnic she raked in over $7!  Its a great fund raiser for her, but most of all it keeps the vulgarity under control in a house that is full of impressionable ears.  Our friends are all very good about it and don't mind paying up for penalties, but are making a conscious effort to watch their language.  So anyhow, back to my husband being mad at me... I dare him...  I double dog dare him!  Besides, theres no room in the dog house for me.  He's already in there, him and his dickidoo!

MY DRUG ADDICTION

I've got a bad feeling about today, don't know why, I just woke up thinking 'this is going to be a bad day'.  I try not to take those kinds of feelings too seriously, seems when you worry too much about predictions and premonitions you inadvertantly make them come true. 

So anyhow, here I sit, sipping on a dainty mug of coffee when what I really wanted to do was to just dump a bunch of creamer in and drink directly from the coffee pot.  Actually that would have been more logical in the first place since I will end up drinking the whole pot of coffee before I leave for work in 2 hours.  Oh, and as for all that mumbo jumbo about coffee stunting your growth... not true at all!  I am still growing!  My vertical growth has slowed down somewhat but my horizontal circumference is steadily increasing.  And the caffeine is keeping my mind sharp.  I would not have been able to write or even understand this whole paragraph without being under the influence of caffeine.

Did you know caffeine was a drug?  I knew it was.... sort of, kind of like vitamin C is a drug... you just don't think of it as a 'drug'.  One afternoon after school as I sat at the table with the kids and their homework, my coffee mug full and steaming, my daughter looked at me and asked me why I drank coffee.  I told her that I liked the taste and she started crying because she didn't want me to be a drug addict.  I was completely thrown off balance because its a well know fact that I HATE drugs, and even had a problem with birth control pills which is why I have 5 kids instead of just 2....  So I calm her down and ask her where she got the idea I was a drug addict.  She pointed to my coffee cup. 

'Caffeine' she pouted.  Give me a break!  Thats a bit extreme to be teaching in school.  But all I could say was: guilty as charged.  I found out that nicotine is also taught as a drug that is abused by the new cirriculum, and while I don't smoke, and I appreciate that there is an anti-smoking campaign going on in the schools, I think it is really wrong to link cigarette smokers and coffee drinkers with the abusers of drugs such as cocaine and prescription drugs.  I am not a drug addict dangit!  I need some more coffee, sheesh!

Actually I've been drinking coffee since I was a child.  My parents were habitual coffee drinkers, I guess its in my genes because they drank coffee like some people drink soda pop.  They always had a cup before going to bed and would leave their coffee cups on the coffee table.  I, being the first one up, would finish off any left overs first thing in the morning.  I remember once finding a fly floating in one of the cups, and I merely scooped it out, flung it in the trash and drank the coffee anyway.  I think that was probably the first sign of my addiction.  I was 6 years old.

So here I am, almost 40 years later, and still drinking coffee like a fish drinks water.  Whoa, wait a minute... you know I've always heard that expression... like a fish drinks water... but has it actually been determined that fish do in fact drink water?  I find that really disturbing because they pee and doodie in that water, why would they turn around and drink it?  Yuck.  If I were a fish I'd probably die from dehydration!  Unless I were in a fish bowl full of coffee.

J

GETTING READY FOR VACATION

We leave this Friday for California, via the Hopi Reservation in Arizona.  I'm not particularily looking forward to the California part of the trip but only because my husband and his sister had a huge falling out the last time we saw them and they still have not gotten over it.  I hate when families fight and don't forgive, its so tragic.  But I think they grew up thinking that apologizing was admitting that you were wrong.  It is not always.  Sorry means exactly what it implies, that you are sorry.  I apologize to my husband all the time, but it doesn't mean I was wrong, just that I was sorry I lost my temper.  Usually it was justified, but I still don't like to lose it.

The kids have been working so hard on their rooms.  My youngest son has basically just been sitting around the whole time because his room was clean from the start.  (he certainly didn't get the clean gene from me).  My oldest daughter scared me yesterday.  She turned into some kind of Stepford daughter or something.  Everything was 'yes mother', 'thank-you mother'.  It was a nice change but worrysome.  I just know she's going to spring something on me in the near future.

Rocky was.... well, I think you all know by now how Rocky is.  She came up to me with a pair of tiny dress high heels I bought her for playing dress up in and held them out to me.

'Which one smells better?' she asked.  Huh?  I'm not going to smell those stinky-stanky shoes!

'Well, one smells like peanuts, but the other one smells like... I don't know, so which one do you like?'  She shoved the shoes under my nose.  I pushed them away and sent her back to her room when she could sniff her shoes in private.  Ugh!

What happens when you kick a leaking dishwasher?  Well, 1 of 3 things can happen.  a) it will stop leaking, b) it will continue to leak or as in my case c) it will leak even more!  That machine is just plain spiteful.  If it had lips it would be smiling!  Just wait though, I saw a nice new stainless steel dishwasher at Sams which would match nicely with my stove and refrigerator!

WATERMELON, A NEW PROSPECTIVE ON AN OLD FAVORITE

We had honeydew melon with breakfast.  Melon is a favorite of my family and the kids would eat it morning, noon and night, 7 days a week if I would let them.  I will not, and here is why.

My neighbors all know how much my children enjoy melon and are always sending them over when they are in season.  A couple of summers ago I had just purchased a huge watermelon when my neighbor sent over an even larger melon.  My kids eyes were wide with anticipation.  I cut the two melons up and put them in my biggest Tupperware (unpaid product endorcement) bowl, and told the kids to eat the melon up before it went bad.  Not a problem.  So they ate and ate.  It took them 2 days to put away about 15 pounds of watermelon.

It was the evening of the second day of the watermelon feast that my oldest boy called me over to the bathroom.  His naturally dark face was as white as a sheet.  'Someone is bleeding' he whispered, pointing to the toilet.  Puzzled, I looked inside and was horrified by what I saw.  The toilet bowl was bright red with blood and ooze.  There was so much I almost passed out with fear.  I yelled for the other kids to come over, and demanded to know who had last used the bathroom, assuring them that nobody was in trouble.  One of my daughters stepped forward and apologized for not flushing the toilet. 

I was almost in tears as I checked her over, pressing on her tummy, checking her forehead for a fever, checking her eyes.  Did she hurt?  Was she dizzy?  Did she feel nausious? 

"No, I just think I ate too much watermelon" she replied.  It took me a moment to comprehend and  then I began to laugh almost hysterically.  My kids looked at me like I was nuts, which I am, but at that moment I was only relieved.  I looked at my daughter and asked her to slow down and chew her watermelon the next time to help with the digestion process.

So, add watermelon to your list of foods that will pass through your system without digesting if not chewed thoroughly, along with peas, corn, nuts and greens.  And macadamia nuts will float, making it necessary to cover them with toilet paper to get them to flush.

WORD OF THE DAY

Today's word of the day is:  hineyass

Now I will use it in a sentence.

"Yes, Your Royal Hineyass, sure, anything you say, Your Royal Hineyass"

This word has the most impact when used with heavy sarcasm.  However don't expect to be picked as 'person of the day' after using this word. You will not be popular!

GOING TO THE FAIR... 2003

I found these pictures floating around on my computer.  These were taken last summer at the Renaissance Festival in Larkspur, Colorado.  We go at least once a year and have begun dressing up.  At least the kids and I do, we are working on getting the Scrooge to wear a costume this year but I'm not putting any money on it.  Zack looked so at home there that people actually thought he was one of the actors there.  He got a kick out of that.  His favorite part was the jousting, and of course he loved the 'black knight'. 

 

 

Arthur, who really was named after King Arthur, one of my favorite childhood heros, was a jester the year before but had decided last year that he wanted to be a knight.  At 14 he's smaller than his 12 year old sister, but he's got a huge sence of humor and a big heart for animals.  He's also a dare devil (worse now that we have the dirtbikes) and is probably mostly to blame for my premature white hairs.

 

 

 

 

Rebecca was turning heads at an alarming rate last summer and we had to keep a close eye on her.  Its scary when men and older boys look at her.  This year I think I'm going to take a slingshot just in case.  I don't know what I'm going to do when she starts looking back!  Lord help me!  I'd still like to get her married off before PMS sets in though, thats the real scary part!  If her pre-pms is anything to go by, her future husband will have her back by the 2nd night of her first menstral cycle following their wedding.  Well, thats no good, cos then she'll be home again!

 

About the only time we call Rocky by her given name Rachel is when she's in trouble and when she's atthe Fair.  I think she likes the fair almost as much as Christmas, its like living in a fairy tale for a day, and all of the actors/workers at the festival treat her like a little princess.  She really milks the part too and by last year she had learned the accent and was just hamming it up.  We're going to Disneyland with her cousins next weekend.  Thats cool with her, but she's more excited about going to the Fair when she gets back!  To be honest, so am I.  I want to eat a smoked turkey leg with my bare hands, drink beer and belch like a strumpet! 

MINI ME

We leave for California for vacation next weekend and my husband threatened the kids that if they didn't pick up their rooms they would not go.  The girls met me at the front door after work yesterday and dragged me up to inspect their room.  I was flabbergasted!  The floor was almost completely clear, the beds were made, the stuffed animals were all in their critter hammock there in the corner.  I was very impressed and told the girls just what a great job I thought they had done.

"And tomorrow we'll clean out UNDER the bed."  I added for Rocky.  Her face turned red.

"But mom, thats no fair, theres tons of junk under there!"  Let me tell you it was hard not to laugh at that point.

"Yes dear, and if you had put things away instead of shoving them under your bed and in the closet you'd be done."

I don't know how she did it but she got everything from the floor to fit under her bed without raising the mattress at all!  And what didn't fit went into the closet.  Now me, I would have hung the blankets down over the side of the bed all the way to the floor so nobody could see under the bed, and I would also have closed the closet.  She has a lot to learn, but she is young yet.

IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning, when the world was flat and so was my stomach... I bought this beautiful striped shirt with denim trim and a little tie-back to pull the front of the shirt snug and fitted against my chest.  I had to hang that shirt up in the back of my closet a few years ago because of a button issue.... they wouldn't reach the buttonholes when I tried to put it on. 

(my buttons trying hard to stay in the buttonholes by this afternoon)

Well, with all my clothes being held for ransom in the laundry pile by the striking Laundry Fairies (commies!),  I had to resort to rummaging through my closet to find something appropriate for work, and there was my blouse, shining like the golden grail... okay, not quite, but it was calling out to me... 'Put me on!', so I did, all the while holding my breath.  I pulled the sides together and lo and behold the buttons reached the button holes.  And when I released my breath none of the buttons shot off!  It fit!  Oh my gosh, it fit!  Okay, now maybe the reason it fit is because my 'chest' no longer sticks straight out, but who cares, my favorite blouse fits!  Yahoo!  Life is good!

THINGS ABOUT ME THAT HAVE IMPROVED WITH AGE

Okay, so my husband doesn't find me desirable anymore.  That was a hard one to get used to, but its true so get over it, right?  I have.  In fact I've done a little soul searching and have decided that he is the one who is losing out.

For instance, my clevage may not be as deep as it once was, but its LONGER now, stretching down almost to my bellybutton!  Tell me, who wouldn't want that, huh?  My measurements are 36-26-36... and thats just my waist (I have 3 of them, some people call them love handles).   PMS is no longer an issue with me, and the pre-menopause  Jekyll and Hyde moments only last a few hours a day, usually between sun-up and sun-down.  And...... I'm not the one with the 'dickidoo'!

 

 

Another Day Off

This is my namesake... my coffee stein, which just happened to be on my desk the day I was attempting to establish a screen-name for AOL.  When my hundreds of first choices all came up as taken I began to get desperate... and sarcastic!  I even tried 'PurpleHippoSnot' and believe it or not, it was also taken (thank goodness, otherwise you'd be addressing "PurpleHippoSnot, President of the Dust Bunny Club of North America.."  Not quite as catchy as Dornbrau).  Anyhow, I was about to give up when I typed in that 8 letter combination, and bingo!  Sooooo, nope, its not my real name, and nope, I don't even like the beer.

Got some major dishpan hands today, with the Dirty Dish Fairy recently deceased (or maybe she defected... that is a possibility).  I hate doing house work on my day off, but nothing gets done when I'm at work so its now or never.  I took a break to re-new my drivers license.  It should arrive in the mail in a week or two.  I checked the expiration date, its good through 2014.  That means if its a gross picture (I'm sure the license photograpers are also the same people who do the mug shots)... I'm stuck with it for 10 years.  I went on a crash diet and took 5 pounds off before I filled in my weight... what!?  Its not like I'm going to be the same weight for the next 10 years anyway, right?  I'm just glad they only ask for my height and not my width!

RECYCLABLE SOCKS SUCK!

I don't know who invented reusable socks but they should be shot!  Those two packs of socks I bought over the Memorial Day weekend have already begun to fratenize with the other socks in the house.  There must be a gazillion socks here, and not a single clean pair for me to wear to work!  That does it, tomorrow I'm gathering ALL the socks and throwing them away!  After that its one pack of color coded socks per person in the house.  7 people, 6 pairs each.... Thats 42 pairs or 84 singles.  This is crazy!  Okay, barefoot... from here on out everyone will go barefoot! 

PHRASE OF THE DAY

Today's Phrase of the Day is:

"Just because you can doesn't mean that you should."

For example:

Just because you can jump off the roof doesn't mean that you should. (when son twisted ankle a few summers ago using a homemade parachute)

Just because you can drink a pint of creamer doesn't mean that you should. (when daughter drank a whole container of Irish Cream coffee creamer and had the runs for 2 days).

Just because you can eat two dozen hotwings doesn't mean that you should.  (Told to son through bathroom door as he sat on the pot crying)

Just because you can climb a tree doesn't mean that you should. (shouted up to daughter stuck at top of 25 foot pine tree in front yard).

Just because you can drink 2 bottles of MD 20/20 doesn't mean that you should.  (remember that one?  That was my husband to me).

Just because you can regergitate at will doesn't mean that you should. (one of my son's has an unusual talent that kids pay to witness!)

Just because you can eat bugs doesn't mean that you should! (Told to Rocky after a survival demonstration for the neighborhood kids in the front yard)

Just because you can stick your head in something doesn't mean you should! (told to son while trying to figure out how to get head out from between rungs in a chair)

As you can see that phrase is used a lot in this house.  I have so many more examples but alas, I must get ready for work.

Bah humbug!

Just want to let you all know that I was very good today.  As tempting as it was to construct a Trojan Bouquet, I went ahead and had the kids wrap the earthstone Native American coasters instead.  I had to work but made sure the kids were up and busy working on breakfast.  They spent the day at the dirtbike track.  Sounds like they had a great day.  I'm glad.  I didn't.  I was at work.  But thats okay cos I probably would have broken down and made the bouquet if I had too much spare time on my hands.  And a voodoo doll.  A voodoo doll with dickidoo.

BITS AND PIECES

For my fair weather friends (literally that is), let me explain the phenomenon of frozen boogers.  Cold temperatures often cause one's nose to run.  If the outside temperature is below freezing the mucous (snot) will freeze upon exposure to the frigid air.  Having said that let me give you an example.  Do you recall the pictures of cold weather explorers all decked up in thick insulated jackets with ice hanging from their beards.... or are those snotscicles?  The truth is only really known after the thaw!

My friend told me about this one.... dickidoo.  It is a male condition that usually sets in with middle age.  The symptoms are ... when your stomach sticks out farther than your dicky do!

How many of you clean out your belly button?  Not just wiping it down in the shower but really get in there with a Q-tip and get deep inside?  Funny, I never even thought about it until I got pregnant and my navel started to stretch, and I could see into it.  Ewwwwww! So I started to swab it, and .... the swab was dirty... and.... I couldn't help it... I smelled it!  Aggggggghhhhhhh!  If you are ever tempted to smell something and that little person in your head tells you not to... listen to that person!  That was the most awful thing I had ever smelled before in my life, and it came from my belly button!  So you can bet now days my belly button is probably the cleanest place on my entire body, and it smells even sweeter than my rosy farts.

THINGS I LEARNED AS A KID

THESE THINGS I LEARNED AS A CHILD:

* Aquiring a taste for burnt food usually nets you the first and last batch of cookies all to yourself.

* Sisters can't keep secrets.

* Grown-ups always believe the first one to tattle.

* You have 12 years of school to learn everything you need to know about life.

* Dads are smarter than moms.

* The best meal includes a fried product, a baked product, gravy and dessert.

* Being a kid is hard because you have to follow all your parents rules.

* Being a parent is easy, you just have to watch your kids grow up.

* Boogers make good glue when hanging pictures on the wall.

* Moms smell good.

* Babies smell bad.

* Santa Claus doesn't really skip the bad kids, he just holds on to the presents until February.

* Chocolate is a good investment.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED AS AN ADULT:

* Kids will eat anything if they're hungry enough.

* Sisters can keep secrets.

* A good tattler prevents many catastrophes.

* You will never know everything.

* Dads and kids are the only ones who believe that dads are smarter than moms.

* Any meal is good if its prepared by someone else and there are no dishes to clean up.

* Being a child is easy, all you have to do is grow up.

* Being a parent is hard because you have to make sure the child grows up.

* Boogers freeze in your nostrils in the wintertime.

* Mom's smell good because they must contantly wash up after messes made by the children.

* Babies smell good.

* Santa Claus shops at Wal-Mart.

* Chocolate is a good investment.

 

Computer, sweet computer!

I'm back on my pedigree Dell computer, and I am content!  I hate that Frankenstein computer upstairs, I will never EVER use it again!

The weather here has been a little freaky lately.  Yesterday and today we had tornado watches, not just warnings but watches!  So what does my less-than-average family do?  They all run outside to 'watch' for tornados.  Okay, I'll admit it, I was out there with them staring up at the cloud formations.  I have several 1 minute videos of some awesome swirling clouds directly overhead.  No, they weren't funnel clouds, but I've always wanted to see a funnel cloud and was thinking that I might be able to capture the formation of one.  My little Rocky was scared probably for the first time in her entire life.

'Swirling clouds in a tornado watch area is bad, right?  So shouldn't you be inside the house?'  She was awesome, she had all the pets downstairs near the crawlspace, just in case (including the hermit crabs).  It was her genuine concern that made me give up my lifelong desire to witness a funnel cloud first hand and go inside.  I wasn't worried, but she was, and I wanted her to know that her precautions were well founded.  In all there were about 4 funnel clouds spotted yesterday (none by me), with 2 confirmed touch-downs in the north.  I've got to admit I'm glad they weren't any where near my children.

I've lost 5 pounds since the discovery of the condoms.  I'm sure there's a weightloss fad in there somewhere, I'm just not sure how to market it.  Another thing I've noticed lately, I'm very sarcastic.  Okay, let me re-word that, I am MORE sarcastic than normal.  I'm thinking about giving my husband a box of Trojans for Father's Day.  I suppose I should be really mad and maybe even hate him, but heck, he's put up with me for 20 years, I can't help but admire him for that.  My own parents only put up with me for 23 years before they got me married off (to him, poor guy!) and out of their house.  So anyhow, I'm feeling a little 'disposable' right now, but I imagine I still have some recycleable qualities... somewhere.... besides the air that I breath and my paycheck that is. 

I've been puzzled by a strange occurance in my household.  I buy toilet paper every payday, a 4 roll pack for each ofour 3 bathrooms.  Thats 12 rolls of toilet paper every 2 weeks, or six a week.  We have 7 people in the house at the moment... 4 are male who use the 'drip-dry' method unless they 'do the doo'.  3 of us have full time jobs that keep us out of the house for up to 9 hours, 5days a week.  So where is all that toilet paper going?  I don't understand it.  I go maybe 4 times a day (including the time at work), which is 28 times a week.  There's no way I use a whole roll of toilet paper in one week, and I wipe EVERYTIME I go!  I'm almost sure I'm going to open a closet door one day and be hit by an avalanche of toilet paper rolls.  Or maybe there's a toilet paper Bermuda Triangle vortex thing... or a worm hole or some other strange phenomenon in my house that is responsible for the disappearance of countless rolls of Charmin over the months.  It just totally baffles me.

Finally, I've come to the conclusion that it was the Dirty Dish Fairy that I found floating in the kitchen sink the other day.  We've had to resort to paper plates and plasticware.  I had to buy some cans of soda because all the cups and glasses are dirty.  For now I must sign off so I can look up telekenetic methods and techniques which I hope to use to load the dishwasher.  I hope they have an accelerated course because I'm about out of paper plates!  In honor of the untimely passing of the Dirty Dish Fairy I shall be flying my dishtowel at half mast in the kitchen tomorrow.  She will be greatly missed.  Amen and good night.

I had planned a nice little entry about lessons learned as a child but I am having to work on my childrens' computer and I just may have to kill it instead. I have had to restart 3 times now.  The keyboard keeps switching to all caps without me hitting the caplock key, I can type but nothing shows up on the screen.... agh!  Lets face it, this computer is a Frankenstein computer.... it has bits and pieces from other computers, and I think its haunted, I swear it is!  Its a reconditioned Dell with a HP monitor and printer, and eMachine keyboard and JUSTer speakers.  The mouse is a Dell, but its more of a rat if you ask me.  Just gonna have to kick that boy of mine out of my computer room cos this just is not cutting it.  I want my computer back!  Got a $1500 computer down there and I'm sitting here pecking on this Frankenstein contraption... I don't think so!  I did a virus scan just incase cos I didn't want to catch anything but nothing was detected.  I did find 99 documents qued for printing... 99?  Their printer has been out of ink for a month... well, now I know why!  What could they possibly have to print... some of those documents had multiple pages!

Thats okay, I'll be alright.  I'm just going to send this, shut this monstrosity down, go to work, and when I come home I'll be able to get onto MY computer.  No more Frankenstein computer with the haunted keyboard.  I just know theres a gremlin or something watching me from the otherside of the monitor screen, messing with the harddrive.  I'm tempted to pull the surge protector during the next thunderstorm.... hahahahaha!  ZAP!  That'll do it!  Sizzle, sizzle!  Hey, I'm feeling better already!

Just a little about me....

My kids used to love to hear fairy tales, but lets face it, fairies don't have a long life expectantcy in my house so lately they've been asking for 'when you were a kid' stories.

As a child I was mostly quiet in public.  My report cards through grade school always ended with the same comment... "too quiet".  I think that comment led my parents to hold little faith in the opinions of teachers because I was anything but quiet at home.

I remember the first time I got hauled into the pricipals office.  A little boy had gotten stung by a bee.  So why was I sent to the office?  Well, apparently my name was brought up when the boy was asked why he was trying to catch the bee in his hand.  I was a sort of school-yard celebrity because I could catch bees in my hand and I'd hold them to the other kids ears and let them hear them buzzing.  This one little boy decided that he wanted to try it but when he did, he got stung.  So I was being interrogated as to why I made him catch the bee knowing that it was dangerous.  I just looked at the boy and stated that 'he was stupid, I didn't tell him to squish the bee, they only sting if you squish them!'.  I was forbidden to catch anymore bees from that day on, and I was also forbidden from calling my classmates 'stupid' infront of the principal, thus making them cry again like the stupid crybaby that they are.

One of my favorite stories include a crab apple tree and a basset hound.  Strange combination, I know, but I swear this one is true.  I was walking down behind our home in Navy housing in Groton Connecticut, there was a fenced in field off to the side and I used to love to climb the crab apple tree and watch the horses in the pasture.  Well, I was just about at the clump of trees when I heard this gosh awful baying.  I turned around and this huge basset hound was running full speed right at me!  Terrified, I ran to the nearest tree and scrambled up as fast as my chubby little legs would let me.  And... I kid you not, this dog scrambled up behind me!  For a second I just sat there watching in total disbelief as this big fat dog with stumps for legs climbed closer and closer.  Then, with a scream I jumped down.  Suddenly something hit me like a ton of bricks.  The dog had jumped down on top of me.  I scrambled up from under it and ran! I guess the impact had knocked the wind out of the dog because it didn't follow me, and of course it was gone when I dragged my family out to check out my story.  The lesson I learned from this episode is that there is no such thing as 'can't', just 'hasn't yet'.  For instance, the statement 'dogs can't climb trees' should actually be worded 'a dog hasn't yet been witnessed climbing a tree' therefore leaving the possibility open that it might actually happen, as it did to me.  

Soon after that my baby sister became the victim of my experimental humor.  She was about 5 years younger and was always tagging along, getting in the way and tattling.  Once, while visiting my grandparents I was instructed against my wishes to take her along with my cousins and I when we went to explore the sugar cane field.  As we walked through the tall cane I fumed, and tried to come up with a way to ditch the little brat.  My cousin was up ahead telling a story about how wild pigs sometimes come through the cane field.  Suddenly it hit me, it was brilliant!  I stooped down by the roots of a cane clump and called the others over.  As we peered down at the moss covered ground my baby sister asked what it was.  I looked up at her and said in my best 'Twilight Zone' voice... 'PIG PEE!'  That did it!  Everyone screamed and scattered!  I knew exactly where I was going and enjoyed a good laugh with my cousins farther into the field.  It was short lived though for when we returned to my grandmother's yard my parents were waiting for me with the news that my baby sister had returned home... alone... and that I was now grounded.  I think the only times I have ever been grounded, with the exception of maybe once or twice, involved my baby sister.  When we went back to Hawaii last summer for our first ever family reunion one of my kids, meeting their Auntie Beenie and the star of many of my stories for the first time, asked if she remembered how rotten I was to her.  She looked me square in the eye and said 'She was my hero, she might have picked on me alot, but she was always there to protect me when I needed her'.  Oh my gosh, I never knew!  I moved over and whispered to the kids.. 'Lets not remind her of any of those stories, okay?'.

Watching my children growing I see that their lives will be rich with memories to share with their children.  Sometimes I look at them and think, 'I am so lucky to have such precious children', and other times I think 'Oh my gosh, I was never that bad, was I?'  Well, the jury is out and after the reunion I think it has been decided that I was infact worse than my own children.  Hmmm, I don't know about that, I demand a recount!

 

GOOD FRIENDS, OLD FRIENDS

What a wonderful surprise to wake and find that a very dear friend has visited while I was asleep.  Doris, my neighbor Deb and I tore up the town at the end of the millenium.  It was quite a time.  I remember once going out to dinner at a nice Italian spot... and fighting over who got to sit on the vibrating reservation alert thingie.  When asked if we were ready to order I pointed to a feature on the menu and asked... "We were wondering if this Meaty Italian has a brother?"  The waiter asked dear little Doris if she wanted to sit at another table... alone!  The three of us also cleared an Adult book and toy store when my friend pointed something long, spiney and black out to me and I exclaimed.... 'You put that where?'.  That was all in one night, there were many more, but not since she moved back to Germany, I miss you Doris!  My dishes miss you! (when Doris was here I didn't need a Dirty Dish Fairy, she was my Dirty Dish Fairy!)

On the subject of dirty dishes I thought I'd just toss in a couple of product endorsments.  No, I'm not getting paid for this.... hmmmmm, infact they may even charge me for it... so lets not let this get out.  Anyhow... for the dishwasher, try Cascade packets, with the orange colored Dawn in them.  They are awesome!  They even get 2 day old oatmeal off bowls!  Of course you have to actually load the dishwasher in order for them to work, and as my son found out... it will not dissolve green beans and macaroni... scrape the large pieces of food off the dishes first!

Venus razor by Gillette... best disposable razor in the world!  I don't even have to do a pre-shave with the weed-wacker first... it gets everything the first time around.  Oh, and guys, do you want to know why your armpits smell halfway through the day even though you've put deoderant on?  Its because you're just deoderizing your pit hair.  Shave it off and get the deoderant on your pits... thats the ticket!  And use the Venus razor... no razor burn!

And finally.... a word of advise to those out there who actually take advise.... Don't bake a meatloaf the night before and leave it in the oven overnight.  It will soak up the grease from the pan and when it cools it will stick to the pan... and no amount of reheating will release it.  It will take a chisel to get it out and it will no longer resemble a meat load.... more like a cow pie or something of similar qualities.  Well, I'm off to work.  Thanks to all who left words of sympathy and encouragement.  I needed them and took them to heart. 

LIFE AFTER THE PITY PARTY

Spent the day doing dishes.  I found something floating in the dishwater, lifeless and waterlogged, its wings limp and translucent.  I am hopping that it was just a moth and not the Dirty Dish Fairy.  Not quite sure, I guiltily flushed it down the toilet before anyone else saw.

The children are oddly agreeable today. No fights or conflicts to report.  My husband went out and bought some icecream so that we could have rootbeer floats WITH icecream.  Becca still insists that her icecreamless float is almost as good as the real thing.  I still think she was dropped on her head as a baby but I still love her.

My husband was napping earlier on the couch, goodness knows it must be hard work riding dirtbikes all day.  I personally wouldn't know being as I was banished to the kitchen doing dishes all day (thanks for nothing little miss Dirty Dish Fairy... maybe next time you'll learn to do the dog paddle!) I guess a dirty sock woke him up cos he grabbed a sock and held it up demanding to know who's it was.  Sniff it, I told him, everyone has a distinct foot odor, like a finger print.  You can tell whose sock it is just by comparing the odor of the sock with each persons foot.  He just gave me 'that look' and had one of the kids throw the sock away.  He thinks I'm kidding, I'm not.  I can tell you right now that his feet smell like balsamic vinegar.  Mine, like my farts, smell like roses.  Pink roses.

SOMETIMES MY LIFE SUCKS LIKE A BIG BAD BABY

I am a firm believer that life is all about how you choose to react to all that is tossed out to you.  Most of the time I just duck, but laugh when I get splashed with a little bit of muck.  Today I am taking a break from ducking and laughing.

I'm going to be a grandma, have I ever mentioned that?  I am sooooo excited, I've been waiting to be a grandma ever since I heard that grandparents can get revenge on their own children by spoiling their grandbabies rotten.  I've been waiting almost 20 years for this!  Unfortunately my future grandbaby is in Ohio and I am still unsure if his mother will move back here in order for me to fulfill my rights. Heavy sigh, heavy sigh!  This is just not fair. My oldest boy is working again to get money to bring his girlfriend back and set up an apartment.  He's got a good job as a bartender.  Unfortunately he hasn't yet told his girlfriend that its at a booby-bar.  That would be a hard sell under normal conditions, but with her being pregnant and her hormones all haywire, and with the entire length of the country between them I don't see her being too forgiving about his choice of occupations.

Found some condoms in my husband's computer laptop bag.  Now I'm not so stupid as to think that he would need them on his fingers for cyber-sex.  He says he hasn't had time to do anything with them, like thats supposed to make me feel any better. Quite honestly I don't know what would make me feel better right now, maybe a Chippendale dude dressed in nothing but a bowtie and baby oil whispering in my ear 'You've got Mail' might help, but nothing else I'm sure.

My girls tore my cloth red white and blue Americana Rooster... thingie... almost in half.  I'm really not too sure what it was supposed to be, my son got it for me at an auction, so I just put it on the dining table when there's space.  They had a tug-of-war with it last night.  The rooster lost.  My husband lost his temper and started cussing at them.  Next thing I know I'm yelling at him for cussing at them for tearing the rooster.  How stupid is all that?  Calgon, take me away.

Actually I've tried the Calgon escape but it doesn't work.  For starters, my bathtub is too shallow.  And when I do try to have a bubble bath, the kids are always banging at the door asking things like 'what are you doing?' 'How long are you going to be?'. 

So anyhow, my girls are grounded today, which means that I am grounded because they can't be left home alone.  My husband is out with my youngest boy at the dirtbike track.  The girls are taking a break from cleaning their rooms right now.  Becca just asked me if I wanted a rootbeer float... without the icecream since we haven't got any... Sometimes I wonder if she was dropped as a baby.  I know I didn't drop her, but someone must have, this can't be normal.

Oh well, my break is over.  The dirty dish fairy must be on strike or something because she hasn't been here for weeks.  I've got a mountain of dishes to do so I better get started now.  Ahhhhh life, does it get any better than this?  (Please say it does... please!)

THE NEWS ACCORDING TO DORN

I don't have time for TV nowdays, except to watch the news and occasionally catch an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  I watch CNN only for up to date news, but my favorite news and commentaries are on Fox.  This is MY version of the week in brief.

Terry Nichols asks jury to spare his life when sentencing him for his role in the Oklahoma City bombing. He was found guilty of 161 counts of murder.  He stated that since the bombing he has found religion.  I say hang him and let the real Judge and jury pass sentence!

Today is the National Day of Mourning for former President Ronald Reagan.  I saw a report showing the line of people waiting to get into the Rotunda to view his casket.  It looked more like a line for an amusement park ride, people dressed in shorts and tee shirts, trash all over the place.  I would have hoped that there of all places and of all times people would be a little more respectful.  To be fair though some people were in line for up to 5 hours, thats an awfully long time.  I was just wondering though... did they have portapotties out there on the lawn cos I couldn't have stood there that long without, well, you know.... relief!

Ray Charles has also passed on.  I used to love watching him perform.  Now he will play with a different band.  Did you know he played for Reagan's innaugeration?  Looks like he'll play for him again.

Teacher in Rochester NY washes 10 year old student's mouth out with soap for using foul language in class.  The teacher is on administrative leave.  The student who had been suspended several times in the past, behaved for the rest of the day.  I personally do not believe in corporal punishment at schools... but I grew up in a time when it was allowed, and went to schools that practised it.. and it worked!  Time out and suspension works on some kids, but not all. For some it is viewed as a sort of vacation, they don't care about the fact that it will be a part of their permanent school record... they don't have to go to school!  Maybe a little hard labor doing repairs to the school grounds would do the trick instead of giving them a 'get out of class for free' card.

And for Falluja... I recommend a total evacuation of the city and then... 'Buh Bye!'

So there you have it, the weeks news, according to me.  And you also know now why I am just a blogger and not a news reporter or politician... or lawyer, or teacher, or even rich for that matter!

SECURITY ALARM

We were talking at work about bubble wrap, its a favorite toy and past time at my job... and I got to thinking about something that happened to me right after we moved into our current house.  I was working the closing shift at the burger joint, and usually didn't get home until after midnight.  My first night after the move had me driving back to the old house and actually parking in the driveway before I realized that I no longer lived there.  The second night I made it to the right house, but nobody had left the porch lights on for me so I was totally in the dark trying to get a strange key into a strange door.  The house was pitch black when I stepped in.  Suddenly there was an explosion of popping.  I screamed and jumped forward into the darkness.  More popping.  Everytime I put down my foot there was an explosion.  I lunged for the wall where I thought the light switches were.  Amidst the noise of these pops I finally found the switch and the foyer was flooded with light.  I was standing in the middle of a minefield of bubblewrap!  One of the little trolls they gave me at the hospital instead of a human baby had carpeted the entire entranceway with large pink bubblewrap!  I sank to the floor in relief... of course setting off more of the pops... and waited to compose myself.  This was definitely worse than stepping on a mousetrap in the dark... mousetraps only snap once.  The giggling the next morning at the breakfast table indicated that it was a joint operation. Well, no desert after lunch that day!  I did take notes though, that will also go into my bag of tricks I learned from my kids.

And for those of you who like to play with bubblewrap, here's a little virtual toy for you when you're waiting for your journal counter to go up...Virtual bubblewrap

REUNION CANCELED DUE TO BAD WEATHER

So we went to the creek instead.  Our mission, to find geodes which are hollow rocks with crystals inside.

We didn't find any but we found a lot of petrified wood, several bleached animal bones (I hope they were animal bones!), and tracks! The tracks above are turkey and racoon tracks. Its almost scary how the bird track is larger than the varmit track. (EDIT: after posting this message I was informed by Zack that this is actually the print of a Great Blue Heron and not a turkey... oops!  Well, I guess you all now know why we call him the smart one)

Becca always tries so hard to be a lady, but lets face it, she has a lousy role model.  She didn't stay dry for long.

 

Zack was the smart one, he decided not to go into the water and stayed on the shore skipping stones.

 

 That didn't stop the others though.  Rocky, being Rocky, was the first one in the water.

 Of course it didn't take the other two long before they were floating down the creek with her.  The ride home was awful though, the whole truck smelt like a septic tank!  I had hoped to do a walk-through at the model homes in the new housing developement down the way but something told me they wouldn't appreciate our visit so we came straight home to shower instead.  If the smell didn't run other potential buys off, our hill-billy manners probably would have.  Oh well, we'll introduce ourselves another day.

FAMILY REUNION

Okay, its not really a family reunion.... we're just going to the zoo, but we always get soooo many comments about the kids resemblence to the inhabitants of the monkey house!  In fact I've taken to calling my own home the monkey house.  I draw the line at flinging feces though!

Ohhhhhh, on the subject of feces.... (if you have a scratch-n-sniff-capable computer, now would be a good time to turn off the sensor), I found one in the toilet the other day soooooo big that it just wouldn't flush, even after 6 tries.  How do kids make things like that?   I'm not kidding, it had to be at least 10 inches long!  Thats not taking a dump, thats giving birth!  I wasn't sure if I should flush it or slap a diaper on it and give it a name! Holy mackeral!

Okay, enough about that.... I'm off to the zoo.  I guess I'll be a good mom and have the kids hands stamped at the gate so the zookeepers will believe me when I say that they came in with me when we try to leave... although it is always tempting to leave them there with the other primates, even for a day or two.

p.s. for my readers who have not yet realized that this journal is about the lighter side of my life and should not be taken seriously.... please do not call the police on me for child abandoment, I am not really going to leave my children at the zoo.  The last time I tried the zookeepers caught up with me before I even got out of the parking lot.

HOT POTATO

Last night we had baked potatoes for supper.  I was really looking forward to reheating one for breakfast this morning.  The kids were all still in bed when I got ready for work, so after dressing I went straight to the frige and found the biggest foil wrapped potato there was and pulled it out.  It was huge and I was very excited about smothering it in all kinds of carbs and calories!  I peeled back the foil, set the potato in a bowl and got everything ready.  When everything was all layed out on the table I got a knife and tried to cut the potato open.  It crunched!  Huh?  I cut that sucker in half and the truth was revealed.  The potato was raw!  Some little gremlin had wrapped a raw potato in foil and stuck it in the frige with the baked potatoes!  I guess I should have been upset, but I wasn't.  I just stood there thinking, 'dang, that was good, I wish I had thought of that first!'.  I had to eat a much smaller potato for breakfast, but thats okay.  I'm just glad the culprit wasn't around to see my face when I first cut into that spud.

GAMBLING

On the top of the $10 scratch card are the words 'Win up to 20 times!' which can also be interpreted as 'Lose up to 20 times', but I'm an optimist.  Take yesterday for example.  I had $3 left over after shopping so I bought 3 $1 scratch cards.  Two were losers, as usual, but the third on was a winner.  I won $1.00!  Woooo Hoooo!  I stuck the winning card in the visor of my truck, where I keep all my other winning cards.  I currently have maybe $8.  I probably spent $30 getting those cards, but its not about how much you spend, its about how much you win!  That same mentality keeps me happy at the casino as well.  My husband doesn't let me go often, and when we do go he limits me to $100. The last time we went I came home with $40 in quarters.  I was absolutely bubbling with happiness because I had won a small jackpot just as we were leaving.  My husband is more of a pessimist and naturally was unhappy because in his eyes he saw it as losing $160 between the two of us.  Now that kind of thinking is just going to bring you down.  No wonder he's so grumpy all the time.

The Birds and the Bees

I posted this on my other journal, Treestand ramlin' (and other tall tales) but thought I'd post it here as well in tribute to my husband with Father's Day right around the corner.

The Birds and the Bees talk

My husband and I knew there would come a day when the kids would inquire about the birds and the bees, so we came to an agreement.  He would handle the boys and I would take care of the girls.  Sooooo, when my oldest boy, who was about 6 or 7 at the time, asked what the difference between a boy deer and a girl deer was, naturally I sent him to ask his father.  And this is what Daddy had to say:

"Well son, you see, the boy deer has antlers, and the girl deer doesn't"

End of discussion.

COUNTER

This Journal has been read times since its creation on March 18, 2004

Woooooo Hoooooo!  Check it out, and I didn't even have to hit the refresh button to make it climb this time!  Thanks everyone.

Dorn

I AM SICK, WITH AN INCURABLE DISEASE

Hello, my name is Dorn, and I am a Blogging Addict.  Its hard to admit it, I didn't even realize it at first.  But the symptoms are obvious.  I go straight to the computer in the morning after I start the coffee pot.  I open my mailbox for any new Comment Alerts, then go  to my journal and check the counter to compare the number from what it was before I logged off last night.  Pleased that there have been 20 hits overnight, I go to my favorite journals and read their latest entries.  I try to leave a comment of my own because I know how much I appreciate when they leave me comments.  I wait until the last minute to log off, just incase I get a Comment Alert.... I like to read them as soon as they pop up.

During the day I refer to other journalers as 'friends', even though I don't know them personally and in fact only know them by their screen name.  They are real enough to me and I believe every thing they write because nobody would ever lie or exaderate on a journal.

After work I rush back home and straight down to the computer room and turn on AOL.  My mailbox is full lately and I am happy because most of the comments are favorable.  I have so many friends now and I feel so special.

But when my husband comes in I guiltily shut down the computer.  He gives me long brooding looks.  I think he suspects that I might be having some kind of online affair, but he never says anything.  Its hard, but I wait until he goes to bed before logging on again.  More journal alerts... so I quickly pull them up and read them before checking the counter and logging off.

Now that I am over the denial stage of this addiction I must deal with it.  I didn't sleep well last night trying to come up with a solution.  With the sunrise came the answer.  I will just have to make a committment and take responsibility for my sickness.  I will have to go cold turkey.  It will be hard in the beginning, but changes must be made in order to save my sanity.

I will quit my job and devote myself to blogging full time! 

And I will start a help group for other addicts so that they may come to terms with their sickness.  I will call it 'Bloggers Anonymous'.  Blogging is not a crime, it isa disease.  Don't hate me because I blog.  Bloggers are people too.  Just because we 'LOL' instead of laughing out loud doesn't make us bad.  We are just misunderstood.   And bloggers are beautiful people.  I am proud to be a blogger! 

(oops, here comes the husband, gotta go!)

BLOGGERS ANONYMOUS

Updating Journal for Dummies

My journal is being featured this week as part of a Father's Day Feature - probably because I make fun of my husband a lot.  And I'll probably get in trouble with him once he discovers my journal but thats okay, for a week I am FAMOUS!  (kind of, sort of).  I didn't get a number, but I did get my picture on the welcome screen.  Didn't think they'd make it so big, makes my nose look even bigger than it is.  You can almost see up my nostrils... please don't look, I didn't mow them before the picture was taken. 

So anyhow, in celebration of my feature,  I am making some upgrades to my journal.  These are inter-active upgrades so you will have to follow the instructions I give to benefit from the application.  First of all, in order to spruce up my journal, kind of give it a flashy facelift with the little blinkies that are so popular with the other journals, I am adding some of my own.  Here is where the 'inter-active' part comes in.  When ever you see a little asterik, like this  *  , just blink your eyes several times in succession.  The more you blink, the faster the blinkie!  Try it now:

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you did it properly you should have seen a blinking row of twinkly stars.  Got it?  Good.  Now I'll add some color.... and.... blink! blink! blink!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * 

Next I will add some background music.  Scroll back up to *the top of the message.  Under the heading there should be a song title * and the artist that performs it.  In this case it is 'How Do You Like Me Now' by Toby Keith.  Go to AOL Music on the toolbar and click on it.  Find the country section and select TobyKeith, and then the song title.  Crank it up and continue reading the message.  *       *

Through the marvels of modern technology I am now able to provide you with a unique interactive online  * experience.  I *hope you have enjoyed your visit here at my journal.  To my new found friends, thank you  for the support and encouragement you * have given me.  To those who made fun of my name, or made insinuations as to whether or not I have* a life, all I can say is....   (crank up the chorus now)   "How Do You Like Me Now?!"  *

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MY 'THINGS NOT TO DO' LIST

People are always eager to tell you what to do, but it seems they forget to mention what you should not do.... Here is my list of things not to do.

* Do not try to hard boil eggs in the microwave.  They will explode.  You will nearly wet your pants at the sound of this explosion.

* Do not leave your box of tampons under the bathroom sink unless you have already explained their use to your children first.  They will find them when a door-to-door salesman comes to your house, and they will open them and inquire about them as they dangle them from their fingers infront of this door-to-door salesman.

* Do not run barefoot in the snow to get the mail.  You will slip and fall on your hiney, and the mailman will never let you forget it for the entire time he has the route.  He will then tell your new mailman about it when he retires.

* Do not attempt to pull up control-top pantyhose after putting on your false fingernails.  You will not be able to do it and your husband will have to help you. 

* Do not accuse a police officer of tailgating thus forcing you to run a red light.  He will not believe you and will give you a ticket.

* Do not describe your child's teacher as a dork infront of your child, he will tell her the next day.

* Do not talk about your husband at work, he will show up behind your back and listen.

* Do not drink 2 bottles of MD 20/20 just because it tastes like Kool-ade.  It is not Kool-ade and will not taste like Kool-ade on the way back up.

 

Pictures of the Memorial Day Fiasco

Art before the cannon ball injury

Zack would later win 3rd place for the small bore cannon competition.

Becca discovers the emergency breaks.

We cleaned Rocky up and found a cute little girl under all the dirt.

Rocky hated going that slow, we had to tie the throttle so she wouldn't go too fast.  This is the 'Little Bike that Could', and yes, that big guy running along side it actually rides it as well (don't go much faster with him on, even with the throttle all the way!)  Its a little bike with a big heart.

This is me above the knees

And me below the knees.

My first mistake this year was to let my husband be in charge of the kid's packing.  As I left for work my youngest reminded me to wash a load of her clothes and bring them up with me.  My husband decided at the last minute to go and get the mini dirtbike off of layaway, but came home with the mini, a youth sized ATV and a full sized dirt bike!  Well, there goes his downpayment for his Harley.  'Don't worry honey, I'm sure the guys will still let you join their Harley club with the dirt bike, just change the sticker' I told him.  That would be quite a sight, Steve looks like a Shriners clown on the dirtbike, its poor little shocks were all maxed out.  Everytime he approaches a hill I call out to the bike 'I think I can, I think I can!'  Steve will probably run me over the next time (if he can get up enough speed that is) but its sooooo funny to watch.

My plan to send the chili up on Friday night so the air would be clear of the after affects by the time I got up there.... didn't work.  The whole camp had gas sooo bad I was afraid to light a match.  It was pretty cold up there so we were able to test my theory about farts making steam when they hit cold air (the way breath does...) the answer is... no, farts do not steam up in cold air!  At least chili farts don't.  They do, however smell just as bad and linger longer.

This was a black powder club campout in Florence.  The scenery is stunning and we go there every Memorial weekend.  Many of the campers are re-enactors and dress up as Union or Confederate soldiers, mountain men or Native Americans.  We have the outfits to dress as Natives, but those are our Pow Wow outfits and are not appropriate to wear for something like this.  My boys were the only ones from our family participating in the shooting events this year, they were firing cannons and a mortar.  Someone had a cannon that shot bowling balls and since the boys brought along 4 balls they were able to shoot them as well.  That was a hoot.  They also shot a can of peas from the mortar.  Yep, a real can of peas!  It split open when it landed.  The hopes was that it would split at the intial blast and shower the 'pea' all over the audience, but that didn't happen.  Next year they'll try a thinner can, or maybe partially open it before launching it.  The girls got to launch a couple of potatoes from a catapault, that contraption was pretty cool!

We came prepared for the stinky sock issue.  I had 2 bags of new socks, and a container of footpowder.  Those kids had soooo much powder in their shoes that they let off a little poof of dust everytime their feet touched the ground.  But no more stinky socks this year!

It was a wonderful weekend, but the funniest thing happened on the way home on Monday afternoon.  My kids had gone behind the cannon range and dug up some old cannon balls.  These cannon balls aren't as big as they show on the movies.... big as bowling balls.... they are about the size of golf balls and tennis balls.  But they are very heavy.  The tennis ball sized cannon ball weighs 8 pounds, and is considered a prize find by my children.  My oldest daughter found 2 and her brother snatched one from her in the truck and wouldn't give it back.  He kept tossing it up and catching it, taunting her.  She sat there fussing... "Mom, make Art give me back my cannon ball!"  I was getting mad by now, its hard to drive a big pickup loaded down with 2 dirt bikes, an ATV, and tons of camping gear... making sure nothing fell (instructions to the kids... If you see a dirt bike bouncing down the road behind us without a rider, that is a BAD thing, and let me know so I can pull over!).   So I threaten to pull over right there and get their dad involved.  Right at that moment Art looked away and missed the cannon ball.  The 8 pound ball of lead dropped right into his lap.  His head went down and his knees went up as he howled.  And me, being the wonderful loving mother that I am, I got on the radio and said.... 'Hey Steve, guess what, Art just dropped an 8 pound cannon ball on his balls!'.  Poor Art was laughing and crying at the same time.  But he still wouldn't give his sister the cannon ball.  After that I think he deserved to keep it.

Our next campout will be the 3rd weekend in June.  I'll only be able to go up for the day since I work on Friday and Sunday... but thats okay.  Steve can take the kids, and I'll probably have more fun here in the peaceful house by myself.