(IN BETWEEN LOADS OF DISHES)

While we're on the subject of birds... I was over at Globsblink's a while back and she mentioned something about a seagull dropping something on her.... I suggested looking at it in a positive view... at least bird turds don't smell as bad as dog doo does.... 

What!?  Come on, think about it folks, if bird-bombs smelled that bad would you still cheer for the Road Runner and little Tweety?  Would you have parakeets and lovebirds in a cage in your house?   We have geese and eagles... and pelicans... flying around here.  Do you know how big their stuff is?  Try imagine that falling on your head, and it smelling like Fido's uh-oh!  Maybe thats why cowboys and fishermen wear hats.. for protection from falling objects.  What about the Condor?  Those buggers have a wing span of up to 15 feet... thats huge!  Get hit by one of their presents and you'll wake up in the hospital. 

Nature of injury:  head trauma caused by gigantic bird-turd
Treatment:  clean area thoroughly with Lysol
Follow-up:  Next time use an umbrella!

And the next time one of you find a hairball, just be glad its just a hairball.  Birds of prey leave 'scat', which consists of hair, feathers, bones, teeth, and other undigestible by-products from their meal.  My daughter went to the nature center two years ago and brought home a ziplock baggie full of scat.  She asked if I wanted to see it.  Sure I said, I'd never seen scat before.  I didn't even know what it was, but she brought it home from the nature center so it had to be cute, right?  WRONG!  It was a bunch of tiny mouse and bird bones.  There was a little skull there!  Ewwwww!  And my daughter was picking through it telling me what everything was. 

Daughter!  I gasped... thats bird barf!  Put it down and wash your hands!  Why did you bring home bird barf?.... Of course they let you bring it home, they probably never had anyone ask to take some home before... cos its BIRD BARF!

Dang, its already 8pm.... and I still have a couple loads of dishes to do.  Why can't they make disposable pots?  Cook in them once and toss them away, no need to wash!  I know I kid about it a lot but I really REALLY do hate washing dishes.  REALLY!

TOOSDAY

Okay, its Tuesday and you all know what that means.... I have the day off and the house TO MYSELF!  I already took a long, uninterrupted shower, I had a whole pot of coffee, didn't have to share that either... I wrote a serious entry on my journal without anyone harrassing me for food, I took a drive that didn't involve a lot of stops costing me half the week's grocery budget, and now I'm back home again, and its still quiet!

The mailman was being nice today, no bills!  Just as well because my checking account balance is just about to turn back to two digits.  I do have a meeting today, at 2 o'clock, but I still have time to jump into the hot tub first.

We have a flock of pelicans that vacation during the summer in the pond down the way from the house.  They first started showing up about 5 years ago, and missed only one summer.... last year.  I was afraid they had found a new nesting area due to the drought, but this year brought lots of rain and they came back.  Did you know that pelicans fly in a V formation like geese?  I found that out one summer when they were flying in to the pond.  I thought they were deformed geese at first, but as they got closer I realized that they were in fact pelicans.  They are so awesome and graceful in the air and on the water, but to watch them do that 'waddle walk' on land is just halarious.  Today was the first time I've ever been able to get close enough to get a decent photograph.  This little guy (he's one of the smallest and is probably only a year or so old) was the only one awake enough to venture out onto the pond.  The others were all stretching and sunning on the mudbank.

Okay, enough with the red to's.  What can I say, I've got a lot of spare time on my hands today and I don't know how to act!  Hehehehehe!

SAD ANNIVERSARY and BIRTHDAY

Once upon a time there lived a very special young man who was very close to my heart.   For my oldest boy he was the big brother he never had, and for my husband and I he was like a son.  We met through our mutual love for hunting and the outdoors.  Our families were always sharing meals and events.

One day he was at the house after a Reserve drill and found my son's beaver pelt, and rubbed his face in it.  "I love beaver fur" he said with appreciation.  "I need to get a beaver, I've never had one and it feels soooooo good".  I just stood there laughing so hard and he thought I was nuts!  Another day he came into the house and found Rocky running around in one of my longsleeved teeshirts and one of her brother's sweatpants.  He wrestled her to the ground, then tied the sleeves and extra-long pant legs together so she couldn't move.  That was the last time I could keep up with Rocky.

After almost a year in the Reserves Nolan enlisted in the regular Army.  What happened after that is still in question.  We know he suffered a heat injury while awaiting placement in bootcamp.  We know the severe sunburn to his freshly shaven head went untreated except for some cream from the clinic.  We know that the area he was training in was experiencing heat wave conditions at the time.  We know he sought help from the doctors and chaplin after he started experiencing confusion and other problems once his basic training began.  We know the Red Cross was contacted by his family.  We know his buddies went to the 'leaders' to voice their concerns.

We know that Nolan sought help.  We know that he did not receive any.  We know that Nolan ended his life on August 29, 2000.   We don't know why.  And we don't know HOW this could have been allowed to happen.  Theres so much more to this story that I can't go into.  So much good has come from it because of the determination of his father and family and because of the determination of others in high places who have recognized the tragedy and refuse to allow it to repeat itself with another young life.  We will never know of the heartaches that have been averted because of changes made through these efforts for improvement.... but oh, the price was great.  Nolan would have been 23 today.  He should have been eatting cake with his family.  Instead, they sit at a table with an empty chair and share the memories of a life that ended too soon.  Yes, a very sad day indeed.

Soon my own son will be joining the military and leave for bootcamp.  I can't tell you how worried I am that something might happen to him. Oh, he's a strong boy, a smart boy.... nothing will happen to him... but so was Nolan.  Its hard, but I must have faith in all of those involved to bring my boy safely back.  Back for what?  To go into battle?  I remember as a teenager vowing never to have children because I didn't want them to have to see the face of war.  I'm glad that I changed my values over the years for now I have 5 great kids.  It is with great sadness that I must raise them in time of war.  But I know that Nolan will help to watch over my children in spirit as he did in person.  Happy Birthday Nolan.

BUBBLES

Hot tubs are great, aren't they.... cos you never really know where the bubbles come from.

NOT SUCH A BAD DAY AFTER ALL

Rocky had a bad start this morning.  She got up late, couldn't find her book, didn't have time for breakfast, the older kids had snatched everything she had hidden for her sack lunch, and she was experiencing a really REALLY bad hair day.  When I dropped her off at school a few minutes ago she wasn't her usual happy self.

Rocky:  Its going to be a bad day, I know it.

Mom:  Well, if something bad happens, just think that it could have been worse, so thats a good thing.

Rocky:  No, I mean REALLY bad!

Mom:  Well, if something bad happens at school, just be happy if they don't call your dad.

Rocky:  What if they DO call daddy?

Mom:  Then be glad that they didn't call the police.

Rocky:  What if they call the police?

Mom (sencing that this could go on all morning):  Then be glad they didn't call the Army.

Rocky:  But what if they do call the Army?

Mom (looking at the clock as the other kids are disappearing into the school building): Then be glad they didn't call in the Marines.

Rocky:  But what if they DO call the Marines?

Mom:  Then you're on your own buddy, and if you don't get moving I'll call the Marines myself!

That got her moving and she ran off to class laughing, signing as we always do... 'I love you', People think one of us is deaf or mute, and they think the whole signing routine is sweet.  The four part sign is as follows..... 'I love you' (Am. Sign Language),  'Shaka' (Hawaiian greeting), 'Peace' (you know, the old 2 finger deal), and lastly.... the Vulcan greeting!  We do this every time we part.  Silly huh?

FAMILY PORTRAIT

Just wanted to share this with you, its an original oil painting done for us by a Korean artist.  She took a bunch of photographs we had and put them together on one canvas.  Pretty cool huh?  Ohhhhh, and that picture of me... it was taken back when I was 35 and my boobs still pointed to the east or west (and occasionally north)  instead of south like now days.

NUTRITIONAL FACTS

I was real good with my healthy eatting today.  For breakfast I just had two cups of coffee.  I snagged the last of the Irish Cream creamer, so my husband only had one cup.... you snooze you lose!  For brunch, which is my first break at work... 11am... I had a muffin and a Yoplait Strawberry and Banana Yogourt Smoothie, which is better than that thing I had for breakfast the other day... but it still feels like snot.  And wouldn't you know, thats what I call it... strawberry snot!  Why? you ask... well, if strawberries had noses, that is what their snot would feel and taste like!  Makes sence to my co-workers and so thats what they call it now.  I don't think Dannon and Yoplait will be contacting me for any customer appreciation awards though.

So anyhow, I had one of those strawberry snot drinks and a muffin.  The label on the bottle said 'breakfast smoothie', and listed all of the vitamins, minerals and other nutrients on a neat little Nutrition Facts chart.  Just about everything was at least 25% of the DV (daily value).  Cool!  I could drink 4 of these and have everything my body required for the day!  Of course my ... regularity... would be a little... shall we say moist?  And it would probably smell like strawberries!  Good thing I grabbed a muffin!  We need to get a little fiber and roughage in there!  I started reading the package of the muffin as I ate it.  Servings = 2.  Huh?  The muffin was 2 servings?  What the heck, do they really thing someone intentially buys these muffins and says.... 'well, this should cover breakfast for 2 mornings!'  Heck no!  And I ain't sharing either!  Can you imagine going into a restaurant and ordering a muffin.... only to have them bring out just half a muffin, because that is what a single serving is?  Utterly ridiculous!

By that time I was mad, and I ripped the top off of my blueberry muffin... and everyone at the table started laughing at me.  Haven't they ever seen someone eatting a muffin the way a muffin was supposed to be eatten... top first?  And don't anyone even thing about taking my other serving!  I ate the whole fricken muffin (they make the calories look reasonable... 210... but thats PER SERVING!  I ate the whole muffin, which was 2 servings, so the muffin was 420 calories!  Agh!  I quit!

And now, here I am, safe at home at last.  My stomach is growling... I mean its really growling, as in MAD growling because all its had today was the stinkin' strawberry snot and 2 servings of blueberry muffin.  So I console it with a Corona Extra.  There are no nutrition facts printed on the bottle of Corona.  Imagine that!  Ahhhhh, life is good again!

WHY I EAT WHAT I DO, THE WAY I DO

 When I was a kid my mom would serve artichoke for dinner when ever we could afford it, one of each of us.  My dad used to tell us that the hairy 'choke' would choke us, and being the kind and caring father that he was, he'd let us eat the leaves and then he'd take the bottom half of the artichoke and eat it himself, that way if anyone choked, it would be him and not one of us kids.  We just knew he loved us to make that kind of sacrifice!

It wasn't until I married and moved away that I discovered the truth... the heart of the artichoke is what is below the 'choke', and all those years my dad was scarfing all the best!  I tried the same tactic on my kids but they're so gutsy they don't care and they eat it all! 

I don't eat liver, why should I?  Do you know what the liver's function is?  It filters all the toxins before they get into the body's system.  So why would you want to eat it?  Its full of toxins folks.  I don't care if its cooked, its poisonous!  I'd rather lick my cast iron skillet than eat liver (by the way, cast iron cookwear do provide iron to your diet if you cook in them....).

I love ice cream, but the real stuff makes me.... loose.  I used to eat ice cream for breakfast when I was a kid on days that I didn't want to go to school so I'd get the runs and have to stay home (I never lied to my mom).  It worked every time and I had a clear conscience.

I love hotdogs, but not red hotdogs.  When I was in the 2nd grade we had red hotdogs for lunch.  Then a little boy behind me got sick and hurled allllllll over the class.  The smell hung in the classroom for the rest of the school year.  Ever since that day, every time I smell a red hotdog I am immediately transported to that place in time, and I cannot even touch the offending weiner let alone eat it.

WHY IS HE SCREAMING?

Okay folks, I know there is already a caption deal going around in the journals, but here's a twist, suggested by none other than my Darling Dickidoo!  He read my take on why Edvard Munch's model was screaming in the painting titled The Scream (of course!), and he came up with his own...  It was so funny that I thought I'd throw it out and see what you folks think the guy in the painting is screaming about.  This is not a contest, just something for a little fun.  Give it a try.

Dickidoo:  Agh! Where'd that dog chit come from?  (hahahaha!  It wasn't me this time, that was Dickidoo!)

Dorn:  I'm melting... melting... melting!

Cnabarry04:  "Madame Glinka in Europe with no sparkly gowns!"

Pengboo:  "Oh...the agony.  I knew I wouldn't like thong underwear!!"

Demandnlilchit:  "Macaulay Culkin on Crack"   (home alone movie)

Mzgoochi:  I think he was on a suicide mission and just realized the world isn't flat afterall. Back to the drawing board. hee hee

Ladydriversammie: I think he's running from those people behind him and is cupping his hands to try and make himself heard outside of the painting.  Maybe they're trying to kill him.

Spurgins:  I think he is an alien and is scared because he has been seen by humans! He is trying to scream, but can't because he realizes he has no vocal cords.
After coming to this conclusion he jumps off the bridge and his spaceship awaits...swoops him up, takes off and he is headed back to uranus.
hahhahaha

Cneinhorn:  Oh No! I forgot to add the fabric softener...

Aiibrat:  he's on vacation & suddenly realizes: Oh My God, I forgot my Honey.  Oh Boy, I'm going to be in trouble when I get home. 

Sdoscher:  He just found out he is not a Piccaso!

Shelly:  Cuz he keeps getting stolen.

TREE CLIMBING LESSONS

I found the cutest hand written sign on the bar this morning.  It was written in pen and yellow crayon, advertising Tree Climbing lessons.... (snack included)  All day sessions were marked down from 25¢ to 10¢.  Well, that explains all the kids in the tree.  I just hope Rocky returned all their lesson fees after I chased them all out.  (That tree is at least 25 feet tall, I don't need someone falling out of it!)

I was watching the Olympics last night.  I came in during the womens relay.  I couldn't believe what they were wearing... or more specifically what they WERE NOT wearing!  It looked to me like they were running in just their underwear!  Sports bras and panties, nothing else.  In fact, I doubt there was anything else under them!  At this rate they'll be showing up at the next Olympics in just pasties and thongs!  But oh my goodness, those ladies could run!  I couldn't believe how fast they were running!

I tried running at work yesterday.  It was funny.  Things started flying out of my pockets, and then I had to cross my arms over my chest so I wouldn't knock myself out with my flopping boobs.  I was glad I had that pad on cos my bladder wasn't liking the high impact workout at all!  Note to self:  NOTHING at work is worth running to!

BREAKFAST OF THE CHAMPIONS

Most days I don't even bother with breakfast.  Last night I went to Sam's to get stuff for the kids lunches and decided to get something healthy for myself.  This morning I had a smoothie with my coffee.  My stomach rebeled when the slimy sweet stuff hit my gullet.  It hollered 'hey, if you're even gonna bother to feed me, give me something with substance, I'm not geriatric YET!'  Okay, actually what it really said was 'Grrrrrrrr iggggyyyyyy iiiiiiiiiggggggggyyyyyy ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww', but I'm sure that was what it meant. 

I'm trying to live a healthier lifestyle.  I eat faster so that I spend less time eatting, I actually WATCH what I eat instead of watching TV while I eat,  I watch more sports, and I drink 6.0 beer so I don't have to drink as much to get a buzz.  Now my little girl wants me to do yoga?  I don't know.... I'm sure yoga was not intended for middleaged women with a baggie butt and droopy boobs... our sence of balance is waayyyy off!  I'm beginning to think I was destined to look like a Weeble, theres no blowing me over, thats for sure!  At least I don't look like a Barbie, walking around on tiptoes so when the wind blows she tips over and her perfect boobs stick in the ground.... (Ken, darling, a little help here please?)

FLIES and other annoyances

Don't know for sure where they're coming from, but there are dozens of flies buzzing around the house.  I wonder if the front door being left open all afternoon has anything to do with it?  The flypaper is finally catching something besides careless humans.  I'm sure the insect equivalent to PETA (PETI ?) would protest, but I get a certain sence of satisfaction when I see those nasty flies glued to that fly strip.  I feel bad when I hear them buzzing though, and go over to make sure none of them are little science experiments gone terribly wrong... with little human faces and sad little human cries for help...  Yes, I admit, I watched too much sci-fi as a child and every version of The Fly was my favorite!

We have 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a kitchen, dining room, livingroom, den, foyer, a laundryroom and 2 hallways.  The bedrooms and laundry room are the only rooms in the house that have all of the lights working.  The kitchen flourescent lights are burned out so we use the stove light to cook by.  I don't do dishes after dark. Half of the lights in the den are out, none of the livingroom lights work.  Until lastnight only one of the chandelier lights in the diningroom worked, it was like eatting by candlelight.  Half of the bathroom lights are burned out.  The lights on the foyer ceiling fan are burned out except for one, the back porch light is burned out and the screws are rusted on so we couldn't change it if we wanted to.  I never really notice the lights not working until night time, and by that time its too dark to find the lights... so we just wait until daylight... and forget again because we don't need the lights on then. 

We have a drip in one of the bathrooms.  It only drips at night.  We can be in the house all day and not hear a thing, but the moment we get in bed, there it is, a constant, deafening drip, drip, drip! I used to put a bucket under the faucet to catch the water, but then the drip echoed.  We tried tightening the faucets and washers, but they must be as old as the house, which is almost as old as me, which means theres no fixing those drips!  I guess we'll be replacing some plumbing come spring.  This really sucks because my spring cleaning listfor next year is getting longer and longer, and I haven't even finished this years list yet!  Oh yay!  I'm soooo excited, can you tell?

Viewer Discression Advised:(cover your eyes now if you are modest, easily embarassed or offended by discussion about the female menstral cycle... or are an AOL Editor considering my journal for a future feature) I am no longer a virgin... again!  And, wouldn't you know, its that time of the month.  Ol Auntie Flo has the worst timing, doesn't she?  Why is it that some guys take it so personally, huh?  News flash... women can't menstrate at will!  Heck, I don't even enjoy it, so why would I wish it upon myself?  Trust me guys, there nothing fun about strapping a super duper diaper between our legs and walking around looking like a kid with a prize in his pants for a week... And do you really think we enjoy Tampax? Hello...NO! It was almost worth getting pregnant just so I wouldn't have to deal with it for 9 months.  Believe it or not I'm actually looking forward to menopause just to be done with this!  I just pity anyone around me when the hot flashes start flashing and my mood swings start swinging! EDIT: This was always an issue in the Dickidoo vs. Boobidoo wars, but not yet with the New and Improved Dickidoo (in other words, I just started my period 5 minutes before I wrote this so he doesn't know... hehehehe)

Okay, you can uncover your eyes now.  I'm done. And check it out, no pee/ poop/ burp/ fart/ or snot stories! Think I'll make #1? 

THE SCREAM

This is a copy of a painting by Edvard Munch entitled "The Scream".  It is one of the most famous paintings in the world and is worth millions of dollars.  It was recently stolen from a museum in Oslo by 2 or 3 armed robbers.  Security guards aren't quite sure how many robbers there actually were and therefore they were too busy trying to determine the exact number  and were unable to make any attempt to stop the 2 or 3 robbers. 

This is the second time in 10 years that 'The Scream' has been stolen.  In 1994  the 2 or 3 different robbers demanded 1 million dollars ransom.  They did not receive the money because while the painting was famous, it wasn't good, let alone worth 1 million dollars!  After 3 months the robbers got sick of looking at the goofy painting and it was recovered in a hotel room undamaged.

When I look at paintings like 'The Scream', and any one of Picasso's paintings, I wonder what exactly people were on back in those days to paint like that.  Maybe the fumes from their paint thinner was really potent or something.   Then, for decades after people are still ooooooooohhing and aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhing over them.  Why?  Fumes maybe, even after all these years?  Well, if you ask me.... they suck!  I would have gotten an F for turning in a painting like that in art class!  'The Scream' was probably a follow-up painting that Munch did after the model saw the first painting... and started screaming!  Munch probably told the model... 'wait, hold that scream, people will pay millions of dollars for this painting long after we are dead!"  I've got more talent hanging off of my refrigerator door, watercolors and pencil drawings signed by my 5 children.  Stick those in a gallery and sell them for a million dollars, cos they are REAL art!

 

KER-PLUNK!

Have you ever played Ker-Plunk.... in the kitchen?  Its like Jenga.... with dirty dishes.  I have the 'Wash As You Need Them' policy in effect for dirty dishes and we always have a huge stack of dishes on the counter and in the sink.  And wouldn't you know it, what ever it is that I need is ALWAYS on the bottom of the stack.  The trick is to extract that utensil or dish without toppling the rest of the stack onto the floor.  The loser cleans up the mess and has to wash the rest of the dishes.

UGLIEST BABY IN THE WORLD

Now isn't this a face only a mother could love?  Fortunately the kids didn't take after him too much, none of them were born with goatees although Gabe now has one and Zack is working on it.  Art is so proud of his peach fuzz, but Becca and Rocky are hoping they didn't inherit those particular genes, but they have a bottle of Nair on stand-by just in case.

FYI: I cannot take credit for this picture.  It was taken at the base Shoppette from one of those little kiosk things.  And the shark picture below was taken at Circus Circus in Las Vegas.

(yes, thats really Baby Dickidoo,  hehehehehe... and once again, now that we've made up I'm going to be in soooo much trouble again!)

ALL IS WELL IN BUNNY-TOWN

I just wanted to update everyone who has been so supportive during the Battle of the Sexes.  My guy finally apologized to me, and I to him ( I didn't apologize because I was wrong... I'm NEVER wrong...hehehehe... it just seemed like the thing to do at the time.) so things here are back to their normal chaotic state of disorganization.  You know, who ever said 'Love means never having to say you're sorry' was an idiot and should be shot.  Its all about saying you're sorry!  And if you don't say you're sorry to me... buddy, you WILL be sorry!  Never saying you're sorry, bull chit!  I have to say though, my guy apologizes soooo very nicely!  Makes me almost wish he'd so something wrong just so he could apologize again!  Almost... but not quite.  This past few months was real rough and I really appreciate the support you all gave me. 

Of course, he's still a Dickidoo... but thats okay, cos I'm still a Boobidoo!  Hahahahahahaha!

DINNER CRUISE

This picture was shot in Vegas while we were passing through.  Notice how Art appears to be feeding his sisters to the shark?  Yep, thats brotherly love.  Really, it is!  Cos that way he could save his big brother Zack, who seems to like the idea.  Trust me, it wasn't long before the Great White spit Rocky and Becca back out, he didn't like 'junk food'.  Hehehehe!

NEAT-O WOW SURVEY

I did this survey a long time ago, even before J-land was discovered, but I thought it would be fun to do again.  Thanks to Headin' South and Miss Kitty for hooking me up with it again.  (I love surveys, its the only time I get all the answers right!)

1. What color are your kitchen plates?
Uhhhh, hang on a second, let me wash one and I'll check.

2. What book are you reading?
"Dustbunnies for Dummies"

3. What's on your mouse pad?
Mossy Oak Camoflaug (compliments of RealTree)

4. What's your favorite board game?
Axis and Allies, but I'm a sore loser and end up blowing up the winners so nobody will play with me anymore.

5. Favorite magazine?
Newsweek (yes, really!)

6. Favorite smell?
The  Pacific Ocean

7. Least favorite smell?
The sanitation treatment plant down the way on a hot summer day.

8. What's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
"How much longer can I lay in bed before I have to HAVE TO get up..."

9. Least favorite color?
Chartruse (puke green)

10. How many rings before you answer the phone?
2... I don't want to seem too desparate for company.

11. Future child's name?
Jesus2, cos the only way thats ever gonna happen is through some act of God!

12. What is most important in life?
Life is so fragile so I try to live each moment like its going to be my last... no regrets!  So if I snag the last piece of cheesecake, forgive me because I may never get another piece before I die!

13. Favorite sound?
Got 2 favorites.... the sound of the rain, and the sound of children (preferrably sleeping children)

14. Chocolate or vanilla?
I graduated from Chocolate to Vanilla last year.

15. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
Kind of... my husband is overstuffed and somewhat of an animal.  And I do have a favorite grasshopper thing that I use as a pillow sometimes.

16. Storms: Cool or scary?
 I love storms!

17. What type of car was your first car?
'65 Mustang, but I didn't have my license yet so I didn't get to drive it before my husband broke it and sold it.

18. If you could meet one person dead or alive?
I would definitely rather meet a person who was alive than someone who was dead.  One person I wish I could have met before he died was John Denver, my favorite poet.  I would like to meet Maya Angelou.

19. What's your birthday?
September 13.... AD... (after dinosaurs)

20. Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Everything but the roots!

21. If you could have any job, what would it be?
I would love to just drive around and take photographs... and get paid for it!

22. If you could have any color hair, what would it be?
I kind of wish I could have the hair I did when I was a teenager... it was streaked from the sun and was so pretty.  People actually used to ask me where I got it done, they couldn't believe it was natural.  Now they believe... my streaks of gold and copper are white and silver.  FYI I've never colored my hair before, but may some day soon, so people at work will quit pulling out my white hairs.

23. Have you ever been in love?
Only once, and I married.  I don't think I could go through this twice.

24. Is the glass half full or half empty?
Half empty... how 'bout topping it off for me?  Or... half full, don't stop, fill'er up!

25. What are your favorite movies?
Oh... HORROR FLICKS!  Haven't seen any really good ones lately though.

26. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Yea, but it slows me down.  I took 2 years of typing in high school, then worked as a typesetter after I graduated... so its kind of a bad habit of mine.  (back then 55 wpm was considered good, can you believe that?)

27. What's under your bed?
Need you ask... 8 generations of Dust Bunnies of course!

28. What's your favorite number?
13, the day of my birth (plus I like to be contrary).

29. What's your single biggest fear?
I fear only the thought of outliving any of my children.  That and being forced on a low carb, low fat, low cholesteral diet.  Heck, I'm only 5'2, isn't that low enough?

30. Say one nice thing about the person who send this to you.
I stole this from some other journals, but I linked them so maybe they'll forgive me. 

31. Favorite CD?
John Denver's Greatest Hits

32. Pen or Pencil?  (this was on the original one I  did)Pencil... I make a lot of mistakes, but I still like to be neat.

33. Hamburgers or hotdogs?
Hamburger, from the grill, with cheese, mustard, lettuce, tomato and onions... and a bun of course, not of those silly Burger King bunless burgers for me!

34. Favorite soft drink
Dr. Pepper straight, Coke as a mixer

35. The best place you have ever been?
Camp Pupukea, in Hawaii's North Shore. I used to spend hours up there under the ironwood pines with the wind playing harmony to my guitar.

36. Screen saver on your computer right now?
No screensaver, but my wallpaper is Remington, with a black lab on a boat with duck decoys.  My secondary wallpaper (yes, I switch according to my mood) is a Corona beach scene.)

37. Cat or dog?
Ferret?  But I want a dog soooo bad!

38. White holiday lights or colored holiday lights?
Colored lights, and then when I take my glasses off they glimmer like jewels. 

NEW HOBBY

When I was a kid I collected stamps.  Truth be known I collected my sisters' stamps, they just never knew.  Thing about collecting stamps is that they're already used.  My sister would proudly hold up some ancient, poorly printed, single color  3¢ stamp with a postage mark smeared over it and everyone would 'ooooooh' and aaaaaaaaaah' over it, but when I would hold up a full color, brand new, never been used 25¢ stamp nobody was ever impressed.  My stamp was worth more than hers, it was prettier, newer, it wasn't used... I didn't get it.  So I gave up stamp collecting....

For matchbooks!  I started collecting matchbooks from all over the state.  People visiting from out of state would bring me some from other places.  I had a pyromaniac's treasure chest in my dresser drawer.  Until I got married and we moved into a house with a fireplace.  The matchbook collection lasted 2 winters.

Now, I collect money.  Not foreign money, not mint condition coins, not the Philharmonic Gold Piece from Monex.  Not even the state quarters.  I collect... other peoples money.  And heres the neat part, it can be old money or new money, clean or dirty, used or brand new.  It doesn't matter to me.  I'll take it!  Unfortunately I haven't got a decent place to display my collection, and being the kind of person who likes other people to have enjoyment of it, I keep the money in circulation and just keep replenishing it with more of other peoples money.  I must admit that its got to be the most satisfying hobby I've ever had!

VISUAL EXERCIZE + MIRACLE WEIGHTLOSS PROGRAM

Folks, the Visual Exercise program is not intended to help you lose weight, merely to provide a low impact option to exercise.  If it is weight loss that you are after, try my Miracle Weight Loss Program.  For more information on the program read this entry posted in early July: DORNBRAU'S MIRACLE WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

Better yet, for a healthier, more fit and lighter you, try both, the Visual Exercise AND the Miracle Weight Loss Programs.  It works like this, first you sit infront of your chosen exercise equipment and LOOK at it for 30 minutes, gradually increasing the speed in which you are visualizing.  When you are finished with your 30 minute Visual Workout, go to the bathroom and weigh yourself.  Then strip down to your birthday suit, relieve yourself from the #1 and #2 spots, and then weigh yourself again.  If all the procedures are followed correctly you should notice a remarkable loss of weight.  If there is no significant loss of weight, suffice to know that muscle weighs more than fat, and there fore you are building up your muscle mass, which is a good thing.  If you notice an INCREASE in weight after the following procedures, put down the twinkies and beer, and weigh yourself again.

VISUAL EXERCISE, A LOW IMPACT PROGRAM

I need to start exercising.  Problem with exercising it that shortly into a session I start to sweat profusely, my heart rate increases and I become fatigued.  Now I don't know if you've noticed but those 3 symptoms are common symptoms of any number of serious aliments so being the health conscious individual that I am, I have come up with a low impact exercise program that will give me the work out I desire without the dangerous side effects.  This is my 'visual workout'.

First, and most importantly, warm-ups.  I roll my eyes to the left for 10 repetitions, and then to the right.  Then... repeat.  Do not skip the warm ups, otherwise serious eye fatigue may result.  Secondly, hydrate your eyes with eye drops, keeping the bottle handy for rehydration as needed.  I use Visine for Computer Eye.... its like the Gatorade of eyedrops.  Now you're ready.

Pull out and open the treadmill, exercise bike, stair machine or other exercise machine.  If you do not have one, a picture of one will do just as well.  Find a comfortable seat a little ways away, keep a drink with you.  Sports drinks are good but not necessary.  Now you are ready to begin. 

Take a few deep, cleansing breaths, blink a few times to loosen up your eyelids, focus on the exercise machine and.... LOOK!  Hold this gaze for about 10 minutes.  You may blink during this period, just space the time between blinks.  Rapid blinking may lead to headaches.  After 10 minutes take another succession of deep cleansing breaths, close your eyes to rest them for a moment and then begin again.  Only this time you will look just a little bit FASTER.  Just do 2 sessions this first day, but over time you may be able to workout for as long as you want.  It is okay to have small snacks in between sessions, just don't snack with your eyes closed and nothing too heavy.  Many small snacks over a period of time are preferred to one large snack. 

And there you have it, the Visual Workout.  If you don't have any suitable exercise equipment feel free to use mine.  Just stare at the picture of the treadmill.  There is even a drink bottle so when you get thirsty, just stare at the bottle.  Unless of course you have something else you would like to drink... Disregard any warnings on your machines that caution against consumption of alcohol while using the equipment since technically you are not actually operating the equipement, merely visualizing it.  Notice the 5 pound dum bell weight on the side.... that is for visual weight lifting, but don't attempt that for the first week.  Now, get to it and Visualize safely.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Found the camera cable so here's that picture I wanted to get posted yesterday.  I wish I could sleep like that but I know if I tried I'd probably hurt for weeks after.

MY ADOPTED CHILDREN and other people on my doodoo list.

I have 2 adopted children.  Their names are NotMe and IDon'tKnow.  I asked my children where my camera cable was and wouldn't you know, the others all narc'd him out.  'I don't know' my 4 birth children chimed.  Okay, it was on the table yesterday before dinner, who cleared it off? 

Once again they squealed.  "Not me!"  Agh!  I have this really cool picture of Rocky after school today and I can't upload it!  She was so tuckered out that she just kind of dripped over the side of the chair and on to the floor in a deep slumber.  I guess it will have to wait until I can get those two kids to fess up.

I am literally covered with hives right now while I gasp for breath.  I'm trying so hard to drown my sorrows in alcohol, and I can't because I itch so bad that I forget why I'm depressed.  Dickidoo is avoiding me.  But he is still such a generous person and I find myself forgetting that he's a dickidoo.  We need to talk.  I want to hate him so bad, I want to hurt him the way I hurt, but I can't.  Besides, I itch so bad that even the heartache is kind of fading just a little.  I'll tell you what, I'd be scratching my back like a dog right now if I could get my leg up that high.

I think I'm tired but I'm not sure.  I think I smell so bad that I'm keeping myself awake.  I just ate some smoked oysters.  They are a weakness of mine.  Most of the time I smell really good (Fifth Avenue by Elizabeth Arden, next time you're in the mall take a sniff and thats me!) but sometimes I just have to have those nasty, stinky, stanky oysters and the only ones that will come close to me are the neighbors' cats.  My Barcardi and Coke is trying to lull me to sleep but my allergy to the alcohol and subsequent rash is making it impossible to even think about rest of any kind.  I think I'm going to have to find another way out of this mess.  Maybe a little confrontation would do the trick and I can save my liver (did you hear that Steve?).  Agh!  Benedryl take me away!

ALLERGIC TO ALCOHOL.... BUMMERS!

I am allergic to alcohol.  Not peanuts, or dust mites... definitely not dust bunnies... but alcohol.  How sucky is that!  Lately all I've wanted was a good mind erasing drunk.  I can't even get that because by the 3rd drink I'm scratching like a mangy flea ridden dog.

So I did a little research.  Did you know that alcohol causes the mucous membranes in your nose to swell?  That would explain why I have a hard time breathing after a drink or two.  In fact, I have this thing where I can't breath if you cover my ears... weird, I know, but after a couple of drinks my kids make a game out of covering my ears just to watch me gasp like a fish on a boat.  Sick kids, I know, but hey, what do you expect, they're mine!

We were talking about allergies over dinner tonight.  My son Zack is allergic to shellfish so while the rest of the family was eatting lobster and shrimp, he was eatting artificial crab legs made from pollock.  I mentioned that I had read an article (in my search to impress others with my useless knowledge) that stated children who were raised in a sterile environment were more susceptible to allergies and asthama than children who were raised in a non-sterile home.  My kids, I said, should be the healthiest kids in the country!  Of course my husband, old dickidoo, didn't seem impressed by that bit of information.  Don't know why he's so grumpy, I'm the one who was thrown away.  I think I need another Bacardi and Coke... pass the back scratcher and the Benadril please!

LAST DAY OF SUMMER!

Tonight we celebrated my oldest boy Gabe's birthday.  My baby is 20!  It was hard finding a gift for him being as he will be enlisting into the Army in a very short while, so we got him a few items we knew he could use in basic as well as a gift card for the PX and a phone card since he won't be allowed to take his cell phone.   I fixed slipper lobster and shrimp scampi for his birthday dinner.  Later he and his dad discussed the joys of basic training.  My piece of advice to my boy... learn how to make your bed!

The rest of the night was spent getting the kids ready for school, making sure school supplies were sorted and packed into (for shame!) last year's backpacks, clothes were laid out, and bodies bathed.  Becca inherited some clothes from a neighbor down the street and it was like Christmas in August for the young lady has very similar taste in clothing as Becca despite the 6 year age difference, and Becca is tall and thin so she has a wonderful new wardrobe.

After her shower Rocky decided to use one of my night gowns for bed.  No, they don't come close to fitting.  She came to me for help with the straps because the gown was hanging so low that her 'boulders' were showing (her words, not mine).  I couldn't help laughing when I informed her that at the age of 10 she was no where near the boulder stage.  Pebbles maybe, but definitely not boulders!  As for me, I have stalactites!

9 more hours until school starts.  I have organized a district wide celebration that kicks off at 8am tomorrow morning.  Members of the PASV (Parents Against Summer Vacation) will kick their children out of the house with a sack lunch and then gather in the streets to celebrate the start of the new school year.  Teachers across the district will hold a moment of silence to mourn the end of their vacation.  We parents will be rejoicing the beginning of ours!

NUTS AND BOLTS... and other leftovers from the tune-up.

The title is not relavent, its just an uncomfortable observation I make every time my husband and the guys work on any of our vehicles. 

I was poking around in the news rooms, trying to pick up some useless information that will wow my aquaintences with my worldly knowledge and came up with these.  So anyhow, here's my take on a couple stories in the news today.

 

Costco is doing a test market on caskets.  Indeed, they have kiosks set up in 2 of their Illinois stores, right next to the bed mattress display.  For a comfortable rest now... and then for the afterlife!  Their logic is almost tacky.  Just in case you're as curious as I was, the going price for the 6 available models in various colors is $799.99 (funeral arragements sold separately).  Delivery takes only 48 hours...  I wonder if they would qualify as a tax-free purchase?  Does Costco have a layaway program I wonder, cos I really don't have that kind of money just laying around.  Besides, where would you put a casket until you needed it?

Point Roberts, Washington:  a 16 year old girl was arrested when it was discovered that the overladened back-pack she had been taking to school but never bringing back home on the bus, was full of marijuana.  Her bus driver reported her suspicious actions to the authorities and she was later busted with a 8 pounds of bud worth over $25,000.  The prosecutor is recommending an unusually heavy penalty that would keep her behind bars until she was 21 but the community is protesting because 'she is such a good girl'.  Huh?  Hello, people, WAKE UP!  That 'good girl' was trafficing drugs into your sweet little town!  What, are you all on drugs or something?!  (hmmmmm, well, that would explain their reaction huh?  their supply has been cut off, they need her back on the bus so they can get their buzz). 

LAST FLING BEFORE SCHOOL

Regardless of what the time stamp on this journal says, its only 6:12 am here.  I feel like I've spent the night in a coffin.  Well, close.... I slept in the tent with the 3 younger kids again for one more night out before school starts.  They found a Coleman air mattress for me and had my sleeping bag all set up for me.  When I sat on it, my butt hit ground and I was folded in half as the air from the mattress rushed to the head and feet.  I shifted my weight and immediately slid off to one side.  I tried to counter the weight and poof, I was sliding off the other side.  It was like that ALL night long, like sleeping on a big balloon.  I finally gave up half way through the night and slept half on, half off.  I don't work today, but I got up early so I could go to my own bed and get some sleep.

Rocky was trying on her new school clothes and came out in some really stylish blue jeans that cost more than what I would ever dream of spending on a pair of my own... about $ .75 per linear inch.  She lifted her cute little blouse that ran about $ .50 per linear inch and asked me to help her close the zipper.

Hmmmmm, I say, maybe we should have gotten the next size up.

Oh no, it fits great, she says, They just made it wrong.... they put the zipper too far apart!

So all this time when I thought I had outgrown my jeans, it was actually a defect in the jeans, the zipper was put on too far apart.  I love the innocent logic of children.

NASAL GROOMING

Yesterday, at work, I kept rubbing my nose because it felt like something was hanging out there.  I've spoken with people who have had 'things' hanging from their nostrils, and I didn't want the same humiliation so I kept swiping and wiping.  I'd run to the restroom every chance I got to inspect the site, but there was nothing visable.   So this morning, while getting ready for work I got a pair of grooming scissors and stuck them up there, snipping and tweezing.  Oh my gosh, the length, thickness and amount of hair falling from my nose was astounding!  Wondering where it was all coming from, I grabbed the side of one nostril and flipped it inside out.  BIG MISTAKE!  If you don't know what the inside of your nose looks like, DON'T worry about it.  Trust me, you don't want to see it!  Its all hairy, and flaky, and.... eeeeeeewwwwwwww!  I've had those nostrils for 43 years, they've been there right below my eyes on the front of my face all this time, and I had no idea how disgusting it was.  I have got to say now that I have finally discovered the ugliest part of the human body.... okay, wait, maybe the 2nd ugliest part (use your imagination.... but both male and female have it).  

Nose   Try this link, I believe Angie sent sent it to me a while back.  Have fun!

School starts on Wednesday.  We finally did our back to school shopping last night.  My insignificant other (sorry bud, I'm still upset) forked over just over $400.  That was school supplies, a pair of shoes and 2 outfits each for the 4 remaining school kids.  And we weren't the only ones in the store with the same mission, the lines were backed way up with buggies overflowing with notebook paper, crayolas and glue.  And people were grumpy!  Not me, my kids are going back to school.  My vacation is finally about to begin!

That means starting Wednesday, when I come home for lunch I will be able to sit on the couch and watch my home remodling show, or CNN... no more cartoons!  I won't have to fight to get out the door with a child clinging to my leg begging me to bring home some expensive sugar-filled goodie that she had just seen advertised during a commercial break from the World's Most Disgusting Childrens Cartoon Marathon.  And Tuesdays, I will rename Tuesday to 'Myday'.  Its my day off from work so I will have the house to myself between the hours of 8am to 3pm.  Ah yes, life is good!

Now, back to the subjects of cartoons.  Has anyone ever really paid attention to what these kids are watching nowdays?  Take Spongebob Squarepants, he's this strange, yellow Cello sponge who works at a restaurant on the bottom of the ocean.  One day his restaurant caught fire, so they formed a bucket brigade to put the fire out.  Another time they got cold while camping so they built a campfire.  They're UNDERWATER!  Fire can't burn UNDERWATER!  What about Cow and Chicken?  The amount of snot and other bodily secretions that they put out in one episode makes my Dust Bunny entries seem like The Brady Bunch Journal.  Cow is always picking her nose and ears with her brother Chicken (?) and she exposes her utters (!) and squirts the bad guys with milk.  Hmmmmmm.  What ever happened to Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, or my favorite Roadrunner and Coyote?  Now those were some good quality cartoons!  Wile E Coyote actually inspired me to create contraptions that would catch my baby sister.  Unfortunately like the Coyote's, none of my contraptions ever worked.  So tell me, what are kids learning from cartoons of today?  Actually those characters are still around, WB just got this wonderful (not!) idea that they would make them younger, babies to be exact.... Great, no wonder kids today are so confused!  First Star Wars, and now Looney Toons.  Everything is out of sequence.   Is nothing sacred anymore?  Well, at least they haven't ruined the Pink Panther... yet!  Or have they?

IN THE SPIRIT AND TRADITION OF THE DUST BUNNY CLUB

I re-read my earlier entry and realized that I had worded it to where it sounded like I DIDN'T want my husband to read my journal.  I DID!  In fact I had tried to get him interested in it a few times before but I guess he did enough reading with his college classes that he didn't want any more.  At any rate when he finally did read it, I knew he wasn't going to be happy about a few entries, but I was hoping he wouldn't take it too hard.  In fact he took it rather well.  The trouble that followed was from a totally different issue.  So, I will continue my journal, there are no plans of an impeachment of the President of the Dust Bunny Club of North America.  And I will continue to make the self-sabbatoging pee/poop/fart/burp/snot entries that prevent me from official AOL stardom.

And, in keeping with tradition, this little tidbit.  Last night, while I was being assaulted by Arts Farts I realized why the good Lord, with his infinite wisdom and whacky sence of humor had invented farts.  It was out of pity for us humans so we wouldn't have to burp and taste something that nasty from our mouth!  I've always referred to farts as 'butt burps', now it all makes perfect sence!  The kids thought I was saying my bedtime prayer.  What I was saying in fact was "Dear Lord, thank you for not giving farts a taste... AMEN!"

I thought my husband reading my journal was the worst that could happen yesterday.  I later found out that while quietly on the computer he had read all of the entries since the beginning.  Okay, maybe he's a little upset that some of our troubles are online to the whole world.  Maybe he doesn't appreciate me calling him 'dickidoo' to my 'boobidoo'.  I just didn't want him getting freaky on me because my friend's husband actually started stalking her online.  This journal is my interpretation of my real life and I had nothing to hide,which I'm sure he discovered when he started a search on my screen name. So anyhow, I let him state his displeasure, and I defended my actions and that should have been that... 

But me, being me, couldn't leave well enough alone.  Folks, if you ever ask a question and the reply is 'Are you sure you want to know...?' back down immediately because that usually precedes bad news.  Don't say 'I NEED to know', cos after hearing it let me tell you, I certainly didn't NEED it!

So now my little rusty brain is trying to comprehend this whole information overload mess and figure out what I want to do about it.  I was happy in my little world of fuzzy ignorance, chasing my dust bunnies around with exadurated slow motion as the Hillside singers sang the Coca Cola song.  Somewhere along the way the dust bunnies have grown fangs, and the Hillside singers are spitting out some kind of gansta rap.  Welcome to my nightmare!

I've got a little first aid kit for the heart, it just contains 2 little words, nothing else.  No ointments or cream, no antiseptic, no bandaids or tape.  Just 2 little bitty powerful words.  I use them all the time, probably too many times which is why they no longer seem to work on him.  I guess he's built up an immunity like with antibiotics.  Me, I can't remember ever being treated with them.  Theres a myth going around about how they cause weakness and indicate fault so fewer and fewer people are using them nowdays.  Sad... think of all the lives that could be saved.  I'm sure they would work on me, I've not built up an immunity yet.  However with my luck I'll find out I'm allergic to them, but thats okay, I'd rather have a rash than a broken heart.

Yesterday was Rocky's 10th birthday and I promised her that we would camp out in the back yard.  It would be almost 2 hours before the kids finally quieted down and went to sleep.  That left me alone with the sad melody of the crickets.  And Art's Farts!  (hahahaha, you thought I was going to make it through this one without a pee/poop/fart/burp/snot reference.  Sorry folks, I may be a little depressed, but I'm still a whole lot of demented!  Thanks for all the kind wishes, hugs and thoughts.  They have helped more than you may ever know.

Love Dorn   

 

FINAL SCORE: DICKIDOO - 1 BOOBIDOO - 0

Guess theres no competing against a Royal Flush, and any how I was disqualified a long time ago, I just didn't know it.

Doctor:  So what brings you to the emergency room?

Me:  Its my heart , it hurts real bad.

Doctor:  Have you ever had a heart attack before?

Me:  No, its not that, I think its broken.

Doctor:  Well, it seems to be beating just fine.

Me:  Really?  I hadn't noticed.

BIG TROUBLE IN DUST BUNNY TOWN

My husband finally sat down and read some of my journal.  He laughed at the first one he read, but when he started reading about himself, which I warned him about, he didn't laugh anymore.  In fact he's not saying much of anything to me right now.  Not good........  He's been on his computer since I got back from getting breakfast.  I may be impeached by this evening.  My journal may succumb to some unknown virus or he may go on a dust bunny hunting spree.  Say your prayers for me, I think I'm going to need them.

So anyhow, in the mean time, my last meal was an awesome breakfast burrito from Albertaco's, the best Mexican food this side of the border.  Those $2.50 burritos are big enough to satisfy you for the rest of the day.  Unfortunately (yep, you all knew this was coming!) they evolve into some really potent gas!  This is not a good thing considering that I had nachos with a glob of jalepenos for dinner last night.  I'm so full of gas I'm surprised I'm not floating!  All I can say is that its a good thing this is a no-smoking house because the air is highly flamable right now.  I wonder if we need to hang one of those 'hazardous materials' signs out on the front of the house like those businesses do when they have chemicals and other dangerous things on the premises.  Are farts listed on the periodic table?  I couldn't find it.  I looked up Pu which would have been logical, but that was the symbol for plutonium. 

• Over one third of the energy produced in most nuclear power plants comes from plutonium. It is created there as a by-product. (farts are also created as a by-product)
• Plutonium has occurred naturally, but except for trace quantities it is not now found in the earth's crust.  (farts are a natural occurance)
• There are several tonnes of plutonium in our biosphere, a legacy of atmospheric weapons testing in the 1950s and 1960s.  (fart vapors fill the air of every country on every continent since the beginning of time)
• Plutonium is radiologically hazardous, particularly if inhaled, so must be handled with appropriate precautions.  (some farts are so potent that they can cause the watering of eyes and difficulty in breathing)

Notice the similarities of plutonium and farts, coincidence or is there a real connection between the two?   Perhaps that is why plutonium is listed as Pu on the chart.  Makes sence to me.

LOOKIE, LOOKIE!

 

Look, I did it, Dustbunny's made it to the big time.  Okay, not really, its just the Local Talk (keyword Local Talk)which I didn't know existed until I got a note this morning saying that I was being quoted there, but WOW!  And guess what... the entry, which was about Back to School Shopping didn't have any reference to pee/poop/farts/burps or snot! 

JUST WONDERING.....

Its been about 3 months since I found the condoms, and even longer since we last made love.  I don't think I remember how any more.  Does that mean I'm a virgin again?

OLD WIVES' TALE

Yesterday a concerned co-worker came up to me and made an observation.  "Did you know you have white hair?"  Well, no, I didn't, but thanks for telling me!  I'm 43, going on 44, I have 5 kids, 3 are teenagers, 2 are daughters, 1 is getting ready to join the military, and I'm married to a dickidoo... I'm SUPPOSED to have white hair!  And then she reached over to the side of my neck and YANKED a piece of white hair out!

"What are you doing!"  I yelled, rubbing my head because she had pulled more than just the one white hair.  "You got some good hairs in there too!  Put them back!"  She proudly held out the long white hair, shaking the dark strands loose.  "Its good luck" she said and tucked it in her pocket.   I've got a head full of white hair and if that were true I should be one of the luckiest ladies alive, so I guess I just shot that old wives' tale to the ground!

I do believe in some of those old wives' tales and superstitions.  All those years of stepping on cracks finally caught up with me a few years back when my mother fell off of a freezer chest (don't ask, just suffice to know that she is my mother... ) and suffered from 2 compressed fractures on her back.  I was consumed with guilt for a while and now I avoid stepping on cracks when ever possible.  It looks kind of funny to see me walking down the sidewalk, but hey, it made a believer out of me!

Hey, this just in.... its Friday the 13th!  I love Friday the 13th's, they are lucky days for me.  I was born on the 13th, but it was a Wednesday I believe.  People who know me say that Wednesday the 13th is more unlucky than the Fridays... now why would they say that?

BUDGET.....

I picked up my paycheck today.  It was more than I had expected.  That was nice since 3 of my children will be celebrating their birthdays next week.  But then I did a quick budget and was immediately depressed.  I spend $300+ every two weeks on groceries, thats over $600 a month!  And you know what happens to those groceries after you prepare and eat them right?  They turn into .... oh what the heck... POOP!  I literally spend more than $600 a month on POOP!  For all the money I spend on POOP  the store could at least throw the toilet paper in for free!

Haven't seen He Who Is Never Wrong since last night, tonight is his college class night.  I've calmed down a lot, but I imagine it will just be a matter of time before we are at each other's throats again.  Its all my fault, I should know better than to talk to him.  I need to stick to those 3 little words "Yes Your Hineyass", I don't get in near as much trouble.  Maybe I'll take my own advice and not feed anyone, so no dishes get left around, and I'll be rich, and the bank tellers will no longer laugh at my account balances.

For my anti-fart/pee/poop/snot support group, sorry folks.  I tried... but these 4 things are such a big factor in my every day life that I can't keep from referring to them when I write about my life.  I think I actually made 2 posts back to back without any mention of these magical bodily functions, and for that I am proud.  However I was soooo constipated and bloated by the end of the night last night its no wonder I was in such a bad mood!  And now.... total release and relief.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  (yeah, that was a good one!)

BATTLE OF THE SEXES, Boobidoo vs. Dickidoo

Last night I was yawning by 10.  I should have gone to bed then, but no... silly me thought it was a good time to 'bond' with my husband.  So I shut down the computer which I had turned on to post my last entry and do a little reading after watching 'Hellboy' with the family.  I asked him about his homework, which had been neglected during the movie.  Things were going pleasantly until I mentioned how I was actually looking forward to 'retiring' in the spring.  That opened the door for the lecture from hades.  I sat there stubborning refusing to 'do everything' for the kids as he wanted, stating that I would get them on track and then teach them to take care of their rooms, the house (hahaha, thats a good one now but it wasn't then).  I was NOT quitting to become the maid. 

General comments became outright accusations and me, being me, wasn't going to have any of that.  But what really popped my cork was when he used my dinner bowl as an example, knowing full well that it was mine, he says that he was willing to put money on the fact that it would have remained there all night.  Now that was just not fair, I hadn't even gone back upstairs after eatting my dinner but I ALWAYS clear up my dishes.  His point, he said in a tone usually used on the kids, is what is the right thing to do?  That was it!  I jumped up, shared a little vocabulary with him and took off upstairs.

That was about the time the whole thing became a music-less country song.  I went straight to the bedroom, so angry I had tears pouring down my face.  I just wanted to run away and I had no place to go!  I needed to calm down and there was no place in this house of many rooms that I could call my own and hide away in.  My computer room is now my son's bedroom until he goes to bootcamp.  There was no way I was going to lay in THAT bed with HE WHO CAN DO NO WRONG, not with those vows from our wedding 20 years ago ringing fresh in my head...'til death do us part'.  Through my tears I looked down and there was the hatchet we had taken camping and never put away after unpacking the backpacks... That made me laugh despite it all, but I knew I had to get out of the room.

So I went to the dark livingroom and curled up like a crybaby on the oversized chair, pouting.  I heard him moving around downstairs, I heard the sound of his empty beer bottle from the night before being thrown away, evidence I could have used earlier but I was just too dang mad to play my cards... and then he brought up the kids dirty dishes.  I'm sure he thought they were all mine.  It makes me soooo mad that he thinks like that about me when he is the very one guilty of what he accuses me of.  I am guilty of dirty dishes in the kitchen.  And the laundry pile, I guess thats my job..... that pile on the side of my bed, definitely mine (can't deny that one), but I don't recall ever agreeing to absorb all of the kids faults as my own.  We both work, but somehow the house is also my responsibility and when he does something it is as a favor to me... huh?  I pulled out my marriage license.... theres nothing there about that.  In the back of my mind my little red conscience is whispering 'til death do us part', while the white conscience is beating her with the pitchfork screaming 'through good times and bad, ?itch!'

I lay there for hours, not realizing that I had slept until the cold woke me up.  When I went to the room, he was hogging the bed and snoring contentedly.  I shoved him over to his side.  I hate when he snores while I'm awake, especially when I'm mad at him.  I want him to be sleepless like me!  I guess I finally went back to sleep because when I opened my eyes he was gone.  There was no indication of a struggle so I know I didn't sleep walk or anything. 

A bowl... this was all over a dirty bowl.  I guess a dirty bowl has a shorter parking expiration time than an empty beer bottle.  That bowl was only on the bar for 2 hours.  The beer bottle sat on the table for 24 hours and that was okay.  I'll have to remember that.... its okay to leave beer bottles laying around.  Well, I guess I better get ready for work, and feed those little consciences of mine, they had a rough night.

TORNADO WATCH and other stupid stuff.

Yesterday we had another tornado watch after dinner, so you can guess where we all were, outside on the porch 'watching' for a tornado.  We didn't see any, although I heard a funnel was spotted in the sky a few miles north east of us. 

Here's a fun game to play with the kids.  Simon Says.... it was always a favorite of mine and as a kid in grade school I was one of the best!  One day when the kids were especially noisy in the car I decided to play Simon Says.  For the first few minutes we did the usual hands on your head, hands over your ears, fingers in your nose (that was the boy, not me!)... and then, as the noise level in the car began to rise again, I said 'Simon Says Be Quiet!'  These kids must have really wanted to win because they were quiet almost the entire way home.  One of the kids got suspicious and started to say something but I held up my hand with a loud 'shhhhhhh or you'll lose' and we had peace the rest of the drive home.  Sadly it only worked that one time.

One day little Rocky looked at my husband and made an observation.  'Daddy, your boobies are bigger than mommy's'.  (oh, I am going to get in some much trouble for writing that in here!). 

Have you ever sneezed while eatting spaghetti?  If you do it at just the right time you can get a noodle to come out of your nose.  My brother and cousin used to do it while eatting ramen.  They'd have one end sticking out of their nose and the other out of their mouth and then they'd pull it like floss.  I always envied them for being able to do that, it was one of those speical kid talents that were just the coolest because it grossed grown-ups out.  Fortunately for me my kids have not learned that talent yet.  So far one can regergitate at will (never witnessed that one myself yet) and all of them do that 'drippy spit, suck it back in your mouth' trick.... yuck!).  I try not to appear too grossed out because if they are anything like me (and they ARE), that would only encourage them to do it again and again and again!

JUST FUNNING AROUND

This is my dickidoo looking all cute with his little boxers and his Coca Cola lunch pail.  I'm just killing time right now.  I need to go to the store and buy something for dinner, but I figure if I stall, my money will last a little longer.  Thats about as close to a savings plan as I get.  Actually I did transfer some money into my savings account, on the advice of some of you good folks who are looking out for me but I won't disclose the amount.  I will tell you that the tellers at my bank think I'm real funny.  They kept looking at me with tears in their eyes saying 'is she SERIOUS?' from the other side of their safety glass.  They were still laughing when I drove away.  I like making people laugh, it makes me feel good.  By the way, the ATM at my drive thru teller has braille on the keypad... on the drivers side... makes me wonder how many blind people actually drive to the ATM.

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE DR

Not really, in fact it was a little creepy!  I first noticed the little red car behind me after I had missed the turn for the Dr.'s office.  As I drove farther down the street I realized that I was no longer in familiar territory and began looking for a place to turn.  There was a car following right behind me so I wouldn't be able to make the next turn safely so I put on my blinkers and proceeded to the next left turn.  As I was making the turn I groaned aloud because the little red car was also making the turn.  I traveled down the street until I came to the next intersection and once again put on my blinkers. Just my luck, the red car was also turning left!  My son was laughing out loud by now.  I was just irritated because I hate having traffic behind me when I'm unsure of where I am because I tend to drive slower... and here the traffic was following me!

I decided that it would be best if I just pulled over and let the traffic pass and then I could continue on at my own pace, so I pulled over to the side of the road and let the red car pass.  As it passed the driver looked at me, a middle aged woman with silvery/blond hair.  I'd never seen her in my life, and she just glanced at me then turned back to the road and drove on past.  Then... to my surprise she passed a couple of parked cars infront of me and pulled over too!  I sat there thinking... NO WAY!  This was just a little weird!  Laughing with my son at the coincidence, I pulled back onto the road and continued to the next left turn, which was just a few yards away.  Unfortunately it was a dead end.  I turned around and proceeded back to the intersection... and there was the little red car taking a right turn!  She HAD been following me!  But why?  I hadn't been driving weird or anything, I know I didn't cut her off or anything like that.  So why was she following me?  When she passed she didn't act like she wanted to say anything to me, but she had taken the same turns I had, she pulled over when I did, and when I doubled back, she took off... weird!  Maybe she was following my pink vapor trail!?  (hahahaha!  just had to throw that in!)

So anyhow, that was my excitement for the day.  When I got back home 2 hours later it was to find that I'd forgotten to turn off the coffee pot, so I had some hot... thick, dark, strong brew waiting for me.  You know the kind I mean, when its so strong it doesn't lighten when the creamer is added?  I'm starting to like that kind of coffee actually.  I believe that is what they call Turkish coffee. 

Little Rocky has been following me around the house with an Avon book.  She wants the eyebrow groomer/trimmer because she says she's getting a unibrow.  Of course I say no, 9 is too young to be worrying about unibrows!  To cheer herself up she asks for some coffee.  No, I say, coffee causes unibrows!  She peered at my face and announced that I didn't have a unibrow... And thats because I shave mine off with an Avon Unibrow groom/trimmer! I told her.  She stomped her foot as hard as her little self could and walked away leaving me to enjoy my coffee/unibrow fertilizer.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

I am a die hard Bronco fan.  Can't tell you stats or even the names of the players save a few, but thats okay cos when they're playing, I'm screaming so loud I don't have time for names and numbers.  Tonight they played the Redskins for the pre-season Hall of Fame Game in Canton Ohio.  The game started at 6pm mountain time.  I worked until 6pm Walmart time, which runs about 30 minutes behind regular time due to the long lines.  When I burst through the door, stopping to say 'hello' to my new parrot hanging in the foyer, I kicked the kids off the tv in time to see that Washington had already scored a field goal.  Sencing my presence, the Broncos quickly evened the score.  And so it continued, becoming more of a game of kickball than football.  The Redskins ended up winning, by a field goal of course, but it was still nice to see a football game again, and get away from all the politics and crime in the news. 

All through the game the sirens were going off outside.  We were under a tornado warning.  Hail the size of softballs were reported a few counties away.  During half time my ignorant family, myself included, when out and looked at the sky  to see if we could spot a funnel cloud.  'Tornado watch doesn't mean that you should go outside and watch for a tonado, it means get inside to safety idiots!...' That was my conscience speaking.  I never listen to her anymore.  She's the one who told me that getting married and having kids was a good idea.  She also told me that buying a 5 bedroom house was the answer to our messy, cramped lifestyle.  Now we have a messy lifestyle that fills a 5 bedroom, 3 bath, splitlevel house with a one car garage that doesn't even have room for one car!

MY CORONA

Here is a picture of the parrot my husband bought for my birthday present.  Nope, its not a real parrot, its better cos it doesn't need to be fed, and it doesn't need to be cleaned up after.  By the way, my birthday is September 13th.  Cyber-presents can be sent to dornbrau@aol.com.  I like Coca Cola, Corona, Margaritas, dragons and fairies.  There, see folks?   I did it, I made an entry in my journal without any reference to pee/poop/farts/or burps.  I CAN do a fart free entry!  Okay AOL, anytime now, you can put my picture on the #1 spot... anytime now.... uhhhhh, 'scuse me.... (wafting a pink wiff). Maybe later....

NO FART ZONE

I was bound and determined not to make a fart/pee/poop/burp post today, just to prove that I was capable of doing so, but then I drank 2 Coronas while watching Hidalgo (dang, that guy has some dreamy eyes and that horse is kind of cute too!) without a potty break, and by the end of the movie I was ready to pop!  So even before the second line of credits appeared on the screen I was racing my daughter to the bathroom.  She lost and had to go upstairs while I enjoyed a 60 second pee.  60 seconds, 1 minute... thats not a long time unless you're peeing.  Then it seems like forever.  And it felt soooooo good!  I have to say that was the best 60 seconds of my entire day!  So sorry AOL, I tried, but what can I say, pee happens!

CHAT ROOMS

I went to the Journals Cafe chatroom earlier and after I logged out I peeked at all of the other chatrooms listed.  I was amazed by the many different topics listed.  The Abducted by Aliens chatroom caught my attention so I clicked on it.  The topic of the night, subterrainian gerbils, and by subterrainian I mean as in human anatomy.  Needless to say I didn't stick around to see what else those aliens were up to.  My next stop was the Elvis Sightings room.  Apparently the only ones who were sighting him at the moment were young teenagers who couldn't spell anything over 4 letters long and probably had no idea who Elvis was let alone what he looked like to be able to sight him.  My final stop, Pets.  Expecting another gerbil adventure, I was greeted by accusations from people who probably should have been in the Abducted by Aliens chatroom.  Okay, I've had my little adventure for the night, I think I'll stick with the Journals Cafe, where I can discuss farts, food, and family with friends.

Points of Procrastination

I'm taking a break from doing the dishes.  My fingers are so waterlogged that they are sloshing on the keyboard.  I made some observations today.  For instance, did you know that nacho cheese smells like rotten eggs when you add water to it and let it sit for a day or two?  I didn't.  I do now.  And now that I know what chicken noodle soup smells and looks like after sitting for a little while in an obscure corner of the kitchen I may never be able to enjoy it again, no matter how cold I am.

The boys tackled the livingroom and dining room.  It took them 30 minutes to get them in order.  I've been trying all week to get them to do 30 minutes of work.  They work fast when dad is around.  That makes me mad.  I wish they would jump to it when I tell them to do something the way they do for him.  I think its more of a fear factor than a respect issue.  Its still not fair.

I got my new cell phone in the mail today.  Its charging now.  I can't wait to use it.  I gave up my phone about 3 months ago when my son when camping and his was out of commission.  I never got it back.  I had to renew my contract to get a new phone, but thats okay.  Despite the poor customer service department, we really do have a good plan.  I don't use the phone often and I only need it when I don't have it, you know how that goes.  I see it as a protection thing, see, now that I have a phone, I'll never have to use it.  Thats a GOOD thing, it keeps bad things from happening to me because I'll be prepared. 

Well, my fingers have dried out a little so I guess I'll get back to the dishes.  Got to make room for more dirty dishes.

FRIDAY FREE-FOR-ALL

Theres a car dealership in town advertising Buy One, Get One Free cars.  Hey, I'm cool with that, the only catch is... the only cars eligible are UGLY!  With my luck those Dodge Magnums will be 2fers, and my husband will show up with 2!  I wouldn't be caught dead with 1, let alone 2!  My 17 year old son Zack just got his permit today.  I worry because one of his favorite games is Stuntman for the PS2.  None of my kids have fear, so I have to fear for them.  I wonder if those new Mustangs will ever go BOGOF... they aren't quite as nice as the classic, but I could live with 2 of them, one for me, and one for the boy.  My husband can keep his little "Wish I was A Harley" dirtbike... (berrrroooommmmm neeeeeee neeeeee neeeee neeeeeeee!)  

My birthday present came in the mail today.  Its a paper mache Corona parrot on a perch swing, like they have in bars and cantinas.  My husband has been trying to talk bartenders across the country into selling him one to no avail, but I finally found one online and he ordered it for me.  I love it!  I've now forgiven him for not stopping at Margaritaville in Las Vegas, but he still owes me.  We're still working on the trojans though, thats still a big sore spot.  In the mean time I have to hand it to him, he even had a case of Coronas in the cooler and limes on the table for me... I think he's trying to say something.  I just wish he would use a few simple words.  

The ultra cool Sammie made it as the Editors #1 pick.  I'm happy for her, and jealous at the same time.  And so I told her so.  Her advice... perhaps if I didn't make so many posts about farts and such I would get picked.   Well, surely I'm not that bad!  So I decide to do a quick review of my posts.  In the last 10 entries (not including this one) I made reference of some sort in 5 about farts, feces, boogers and other natural bodily functions.  I stopped countingthere because I knew it would only get worse.  I was devastated.  My life is comprised of bodily excrements!  To quote Shakespeare (I love that book!), my life is a 'dunghill'.   Oh well, I guess I'll have to be happy with the knowledge that some people actually LIKE my pink vapor!  Hehehehe!  Oh my gosh, my mom would absolutely die of embarassment if she were ever to read this!  No people, my mom has never read The Dust Bunny journal... she would ground me for a million years if she did!  (shhhhhhh, don't tell her!)

SUMMER SEIGE

In 12 more days school begins a new session and I can reclaim my house.  I have to say that so far this year there has been little damage even with the kids rained in most of the time.  It obviously helped to have 2 TV's with a game system, DVD and video, 2 computers (sorry, no web-surfing while mom and dad are gone), 3 guitars, a flute, a violin, dozens of board games, decks of cards, balls, marbles, pets, BOOKS (be warned world, their favorite is my copy of Shakespeare's Insults!), and .... the telephone!  No furniture has been broken this year, no rooms flooded, no walls colored or dented, no police waiting for me at my work place, no angry neighborhood parents glaring at me through the screendoor.  Basically its been a good summer.

This year I will have children spread out all over the tarnation.  My youngest will be at the elementary school in the 5th grade, my oldest daughter is going into the 7th grade at the Junion High, and my boys will be in high school, in the 9th and 12th grade.  And of course, my oldest will be in boot camp.  I'm starting to feel like my parents when my brother and sisters were teenagers.  It scares me because my parents were always angry, and I was always grounded.

My big project this fall will be to rip up the carpeting in the upstairs.  I had hoped to do it this summer, but we got too busy being tired so that never happened.  I know the kids are going to miss the static... 'shock-tag' is a favorite game of ours in the wintertime, where you slide your feet (not bare feet... it doesn't work) on the carpet then tap someone and zap them.  But soon they will learn the joy of sock-skating on polished hardwood floors, a favorite childhood past-time of mine.  If it were an Olympic event I would have medaled for sure, I was THAT good!

Let me share a few lines from Shakespeare, and maybe give you some insight as to why he is my favorite writer....

"(Your) face is not worth sunburning!"

"You crusty botch of nature!"

"(Your) horrid image doth unfix my hair"